January 2019

“Ms. Kim?” I look up from my desk and smile at Denise. She was holding her backpack on one shoulder, her body tense and a faint blush on her fair cheeks. I waved her in and shifted in my seat to a more relaxed position. I could already tell the girl was nervous about something.

“Hey Denise, how was your winter break?” I asked her, trying to relieve some tension.

She breathed out as she stood next to my desk. “It was good. Fast, but still good.” I chuckled.

“So what’s up?” I watched as Denise shifted from foot to foot and then finally she met my gaze, albeit, hesitantly.

“You went to school here right?”

I nodded trying to understand where she was trying to go with this conversation. Denise was one of my brightest students. Communications is not an easy thing to teach in high school, but I thought having the class which is normally taught in college was one good idea that the high school offered.

“Yes…” I drew out.

“Was there ever a GSA?”

The pencil I was holding almost broke under my grasp. “A GSA?” I asked knowing what it was but buying some time to organize my thoughts.

“Yeah, a gay straight alliance? It’s a club where LGBT kids and allies join to talk about issues within the community.” She tilted her head at me and I felt her gaze heat my skin. I wasn’t sure if she knew I was a lesbian. It wasn’t something that I had hidden after high school but still, I didn’t feel like my students needed to know anything in my personal life.

“No, I don’t think there was. Even though homouality was more bearable there were still more stigmas against kids who were gay or transgendered.”

She nodded her head as she removed a sheet of paper from her back pack and placed it in front of me. “I want to start one this year. I’m not gay but my brother is and he’s graduating this year from junior high. I want him to have a safe place when he comes to school next year, especially with me graduating.”

I overviewed the details of the club and felt pride well up inside of me for this girl. She was strong and her motivation for starting this club was even stronger. I looked up at her and smiled brightly.

“I think that’s a great idea. I think a lot of kids would benefit from this.” I picked up the paper and held it out to her but she didn’t take it.

“In order to start a club, you have to have a teacher mentor. I was wondering if you could help out.”

“Oh,” I looked down again at the details and cursed at myself for missing the part about the mentorship. If I did this then the majority of students would assume I was gay. You are gay. How would change the way that they look at me? Would they still respect me even? I sat still fumbling with paper in my hands, knowing that Denise was waiting for a response.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I just know how you’re against prejudices and think that you would give us some insight on how to discuss the problems associated within the school since you teach speech.”

Her argument was clear and concise and I patted my back for teaching her how to give a compelling statement. With a heavy hand I removed a pen from my drawer and scribbled my signature on the bottom. Handing her over the paper I knew I had done the right thing when her face lit up in a bright smile.

“I think what you’re doing is very admirable. I would be more than happy to help you and whoever joins the club out.”

She looked so happy that I was afraid she would squeal but instead she gave me a thank you and took the paper and headed out the door. For a moment I thought about Bryan and how he was sure to say something if the club ever received members but then I pushed that thought aside. The fact was that people like Bryan Donnelly were slowly becoming extinct. Maybe they would never truly vanish but there was definitely more support than derisive comments.

***

“Mom, did you know that those kids are moving out?” I looked over at the next door neighbor’s house as four young men grabbed boxes and placed them in a large U-Haul. A part of me was relieved knowing that the loud parties would soon be a thing of the past. I still couldn’t believe that Lisa had allowed four young kids to rent the house that her grandmother left her after her passing.

“Oh yes, I talked to one of the boys this morning. He said their lease was up and the owner didn’t offer them to renew.” Mom said it in such a fashion that left a lot to be said.

“I don’t think so. They said that they think someone else is moving in, since they got a call from the property manager telling them that a new tenant would be moving in and they needed to get all of their stuff out before six.”

I looked over to my mother and then the boys who were now in a sword battle with two long cardboard tubes.

“I hope whoever she chose is at least quieter. I’m not going to miss the loud parties, that’s for sure.” My mother chuckled.

“I’m sure you’ll enjoy the new neighbors.” I eyed my mother warily. That mischievous glint was never a good sign.

“What do you know that you’re not telling me?” My mother waved her hand at me as she retreated from the window. I looked back out, the boys now practicing their karate moves and I hoped that my mother was right. A part of me also wished that in the next coming days I would see a certain blonde figure walking out of the house but that was only my wishful thinking. Lisa had said she would never move back, and I didn’t blame her. There was nothing left for her here.

***

May 2008

“You’re really not going to prom?”

Lisa held an exasperated look and rolled her eyes. “Let’s see…hanging out alone with a bunch of and probably wasted teenagers?

Where do I sign up?” The sarcastic statement was comedic but I still pressed.

“But you wouldn’t be alone. You would be with me.” I smiled at her but she didn’t return the gesture. “You could hang out with me and Amber.” Her shoulders noticeably tensed at the sound of Amber’s name. It was obvious to me that Lisa didn’t like my girlfriend. It wasn’t like she was ever mean to Amber but there was something about the girl that Lisa just did not click with.

“I’ll pass. I don’t like being the third wheel.” Lisa moved to a more comfortable position on her bed as I twirled in her desk chair.

“You know, you could always ask someone to go with so you don’t feel left out. There are a ton of people that would be more than willing to go with you.” I had to get Lisa to come. I was on a mission and there really were a lot of people that were vying over Lisa’s attention. But there was never anyone that she seemed interested in which made me concerned for my friend. “What about Bobby? He really likes you.”

Lisa stuck a finger in . “B’s. is too much. I keep telling him to lay off but he still doesn’t get it.” I couldn’t understand why Lisa was so hard on him. He was handsome and popular. Chahee had tried to date him for most of the year but his sights were only set on Lisa. Something in the pit of my stomach fluttered but I pushed it down. I had managed to keep my crush on Lisa dormant but talking about her dating always seemed to release a few jealous butterflies.

“Jimin?” I asked raising an eyebrow. Lisa shook her head. “He’s gay.” Again a shake of her head. I waited a beat and then I said, “Tzuyu?” Lisa barked a laugh and threw one of her pillows at me. I caught it before it had a chance to drop to the ground.

“As if! First off Becky is very straight. Secondly, even if she wasn’t she would be way out of my league.”

“Oh gosh, like anyone is really out of your league, Lis.” I threw the pillow back to her and she chuckled. I knew that she was in a playful mood so I didn’t take her response about Tzuyu too seriously. Lisa really disliked talking about her personal life and I just came to the conclusion that she wasn’t into boys, girls or anyone for that matter. Her mind was on one thing; getting back to New York after graduation to try and make it in the Big City. Even the thought of it made me nervous but I figured I would deal with those feelings when the time came.

“What does that mean?” She asked as she placed the pillow under her head and laid on it. I chewed my lip contemplating her question. Did she really not know how beautiful she is?

“Just that you’re probably the hottest girl in school and everyone knows it. Why do you think Chahee always mad dogs you when you pass her by? All of her interests are more interested in getting with you than with her.” I snickered but Lisa was looking at me with a serious expression.

“You think I’m hot?” She asked. She tried to make her tone playful but it wavered at the end. I swallowed and looked away, staring out across her window and into my room.

“I don’t have to think it. You just are.” I shrugged my shoulders as I watched my mom walk in and pick up my laundry. She looked over at me and our eyes met through the expanse of branches. She made a face at me and I laughed waving at her.

“When are you planning on telling her?” Lisa asked as the silence between us broke. I sighed heavily and was secretly grateful that she had changed the subject from a few minutes ago.

“Soon.”

“So things are going well with what’s her name?”

I wish I had another pillow to throw at Lisa. She never actually used Amber’s name and sometimes I just wanted to shake her to get her out of that funk.

“Yeah, I guess.” I didn’t talk too much about my relationship with Amber to anyone. Not even really to Amber herself. Was it fun hanging out with the girl? Of course it was. Amber was funny and charming and a great kisser. But I had to admit that something wasn’t there. I couldn’t place my finger on it or give it words but I just didn’t feel like it was going to last much longer.

“What do you mean, ‘you guess’? You guys have only been together for a month. It should be all rainbows and butterflies.”

I met Lisa’s stare as one of those said butterflies flew into my stomach and all around my skin making me warm