July 2018

“All I’m saying is that bullying is a serious problem these days. I mean look at the statistics. You have kids…let me repeat that…kids committing suicide because of how they are being treated in school. Whether it be their ethnicity, their weight, the way they look, their uality. We have to do something to stop the hatred!”

“Well I think if someone is a they deserve to be taught a lesson. I don’t want no fudge packer checking me out in the locker room.” The uproar deafened the normally quiet classroom as I stood suddenly.

“Bryan! That language and not to mention your discriminatory words towards the LGBT community is disrespectful.” I look towards Bryan Donnelly and inwardly cringed. I would like to say that ten years was enough for high school to change but hearing those words come from one of the most popular students was enough for me to realize it is only wishful thinking.

“Not to mention totally out of order. Gays and lesbians deserve the same rights as any other human.” I looked over at Denise at her bark back to Bryan.

“Okay, Denise. We’re going to end this debate here. Bryan, I don’t want to hear any more of that speak in my classroom or these halls. Do you understand me?” The boy shrugs his shoulders and I notice his friend give him a low five under the desk. I wish I could do more but unfortunately, teaching these days isn’t what it used to be.

I stare at the clock as the kids write down their assignment and hurry out of the room. The second hand ticks by every minute and I swear that my classroom is nothing but a black hole where no time actually exists.

“Four more hours,” a body plops down in the closest chair to my desk and I look up to find my friend and fellow teacher, Joy, staring tiredly at me.

“Feels like four more years,” I mutter as I put away the stack of in class assignments in my briefcase.

“Bad day, huh?”

“If you think children yelling out discriminatory slurs is a bad day then yes.” I exhale as I run my hand through my dark locks.

“Oh please don’t tell me is Donnelly again?” I pointed at my nose and Joy rolled her eyes. “Well, it’s a learned behaviour. You know how his father is.”

I nod my head as I imagine the probable nightly ritual at the Donnelly house. A nice dinner, followed by dessert and coffee and then grabbing of pitchforks so they can join the local mob to burn witches and dykes.

“At least it’s Friday!” Joy sings the last word and something strikes within me. Friday, why does that sound so familiar? “Oh come on J, you didn’t forget did you?”

And then I remember. Joy. Her boyfriend Sungjae. Me as the third wheel. Dinner and movies. “, sorry, Joy. I don’t know where my mind is lately.”

“Maybe you just need to get laid,” she says through the side of . I eye her and throw a pen in her direction, which she swiftly dodges. “Please don’t back out. This one is supposed to be the best in the series. Plus it has a little hot actress that is sure to tickle your fancy.” Her eyebrows wiggle up and down but my stomach clenches. What could I say to get out of this? I race through my mind trying to find an excuse. Doing my hair? So cliché. Grading papers? She may go for that. How about I would rather have a thousand paper cuts and jump into a pool of lemon juice than watch that movie? I sigh at her hopeful expression and give in.

With a forced smile I say, “Of course I didn’t make any plans. What time should I be at your place?” Joy smiles widely as she gives me the time and the schedule of what we were doing. I sit and listen but the words aren’t sticking. Instead, my mind drifts and yet again, time stands still.

***

September 2008

“So that’s D building. That’s where your science class is going to be. And over there,” I point behind me as I look over to the building, “is B building. That’s history and next to it is woodshop.”

I look up at an uninterested Lisa who doesn’t even look like she’s taking in anything I’m saying. “Do you have any questions?”

“Huh?” Lisa looks down at me as she adjusts her backpack on her shoulder. “Oh, no. D building, science. B building, history. I got it.”

“And woodshop.”

“Right,” she exhales as we make our way through the throng of kids. Although the high school was fairly large, it was considered one of the best schools in California which meant that a lot of students earned their way in. This of course meant that over four thousands kids were packed into the walkways and I was shouldering just to get through. Lisa however, didn’t have a problem as the sea parted at her every step.

“What’s good to eat around here?” Lisa asked as I showed her to her locker. I furrowed my brows as I took in her question.

“You aren’t allowed offsite for lunch unless you have a fifth and sixth off campus class or work study.” Knowing her schedule, I knew that Lisa didn’t have any of those but her scowl was none the less frightening.

“That’s such bull. It wasn’t like that in New York. Just another thing that this stupid city has to offer.” I watched as Lisa angrily tried to open locker. On the third try, she finally gave up and threw her back pack against the metal wall.

“New York? Is that where you’re from?” I tried to ask as calmly as possible as I felt eyes on us staring. I took the combination slip out of Lisa’s hand and started to turn the wheel, trying to get her to calm down.

“Yeah. That’s where I lived. Now I’m stuck in this hole…no offense.” I opened the locker and smiled tightly.

“None taken.” I watched as Lisa shoved her whole backpack in her locker and then slam it. “Uh, aren’t you going to need that?”

Lisa shrugged as she walked down the hallway. I struggled to keep up with her as we both headed to our first class. “Don’t need much. I have a pen in my pocket.”

“What about paper?” Lisa held out her hand and pretended to scribble on it. I noticed it had faint lines of something that had already been written there but almost scrubbed off.

“Aren’t you worried you’re going to run out of room?” I asked in confusion. How could someone be so blasé about school?

“That’s why I have two. I’m ambidextrous so I can write with both my left and right hand.”

“Cool,” I said and I meant it. Lisa gave me a smile and my cheeks warmed at the embarrassment.

I stopped with Lisa outside of her first class. I saw her fidget quickly but then she straightened her back and turned to me. “So, where to for lunch?”

“Uh, I thought you heard me before. We can’t leave for…”

“Yeah, yeah, I heard you. Doesn’t mean we can’t sneak off,” her big brown eyes twinkled mischievously. I wanted to throw caution to the wind and ditch with her but I couldn’t bring myself to say the words. I wasn’t a rule breaker. I was the complete opposite.

“You’ll have to do all the sneaking, sorry. It’s my junior year and colleges will be looking at my record. I can’t get caught.” Lisa frowned momentarily but then shrugged her shoulders.

“Your loss,” she turned but before she walked into the classroom she faced me one more time. “Hey, thanks for showing me around. You didn’t have to do that, you know.” She winked at me and then left me dumbfounded. I couldn’t peg her, not that I had much experience with getting to know people, but there was something about Lisa that was intriguing, and scary at the same time.

I stood there until the minute bell rang and cursed myself. It would be crappy if I was late to my first class on my first day of junior year. But no matter how much I wanted to run I stayed in an even stride. I had a feeling that’s what Lisa would do.

***

The one thing that was nice about being a veteran at your school was that you knew all the places that the popular kids weren’t. So there I was in the back of the L building eating lunch, in a bathroom. It’s not as horrible as it sounds, really. This bathroom is rarely ever used so it’s always clean and smells like air freshener. It wasn’t that I wanted to eat here, but I really didn’t have an option if I wanted to be left alone. I found that out the hard way. It was either eating here by myself or eating out in the open where I was cannon fodder to the Fab Five.

The Fab Five. Even their name sounded ridiculous in my head. You would think it was some movie, where the most popular girls strutted in their ty outfits, saying ty things about their ty friends in the halls. Preying on poor innocent kids who were just trying to get through this thing we call life. The Fab Five were hell on wheels. Destruction followed their path and I swear the leader was the devil with her four apocalyptic horsemen riding her tail.

But it wasn’t always like that. In fact, the devil, or shall I call her by her given name, Chahee, used to be really sweet. Actually sweet enough to where I used to call her my best friend. We had done everything together from when we were young all the way up to eighth grade. Then Chahee decided that she wanted to hang out with some new people from her dance class. Unfortunately, I didn’t fit in. Not that I can’t dance, it’s just something I’ve always been shy about while Chahee seems to have the perfect confidence, perfect set of legs to allow her to climb to head cheerleader. See? Didn’t I say it was just like the movies?

So the Fab Five was born between the summer of eighth grade and the start of high school. By the time that our freshman year started I was nothing but unevolved pond scum to her and her new friends. In fact, I was probably thought of as lower than pond scum. The first time Chahee told me that I looked like I got into a fight with the lawnmower and that the lawnmower won, I knew that the friendship was definitely over. I didn’t allow her to see me cry but that’s exactly what I did when I got home. I couldn’t tell my mother, dad was gone so I couldn’t tell him and once word got out that I was target practice I was shunned all together.

And that’s when I found the L building bathroom. Things got remarkably better after I started to eat lunch away from the hordes of people. Who wants to see hormonal monkeys making out and pretending to like each other anyways?

So I sit there in my sanctuary and pull out my brown paper bag that held the contents of my lunch. Mom always put in a note saying she loved me and to have a good day and today was no different. I never told her that I’ve kept every single one of her notes and put it in a journal I keep in my locked drawer in my desk.

I grimace a little as I pull out the peanut butter sandwich. I hated when we ran out of lunch meat and all that was left was peanut butter. I imagined the food already stuck in my braces and I contemplated not eating it. The rumble of my stomach was enough of an answer as I peeled away the plastic baggie and took my first bite.

Immediately the soft bread and sticky middle clung to my mouth and I tried in earnest to clear away as much as possible between each bite. It was times like these that I wish I had my toothbrush.

I sit on the toilet as I continue to fight with my sandwich reading the scribbled graffiti on the back of the stall door. Not much changes over the years and I’ve read most of these before.

“Boys before books because books bring babies,” that was my favorite. I continue to read as my stomach drops noticing the new dark marker text written over Fab Five Forever.

“Jennie Ruby Jane Kim is a dyke!” Suddenly my appetite is gone and my half-eaten sandwich falls to the floor. I my thumb and try to remove the marker but it’s already permanently etched on. Peanut butter trails over the graffiti and I feel the pricks of tears starting to form. “No no no…” I pull out some toilet paper and spit in it, desperately trying to remove the words. To erase them from this moment in my life. I stop my furious rubbing as I hear the bathroom door squeak open.

No one is supposed to be in here.

“Did you see what she was wearing? Like, it’s not the eighties anymore. How many sheep had to die in order for her to wear those pants?” I heard snickering and immediately placed that voice. Chahee. “And don’t get me started on her look. Did she lose a fight with a lawnmower or something?”

I rolled my eyes. Couldn’t she come up with something more original?

“And did you see that dyke Jennie? Hanging out with that new student? Who does she think she is?”

“It’s probably her girlfriend.” Momo, Chahee’s successor, says. I close my eyes and imagine this is just a bad dream. There is no way that they know I’m here. I hug my knees which are now up on the toilet, making sure that I am invisible as possible.

“No way is that senior a carpet mu