July 2019

“How come Oprah didn’t invite me to your birthday extravaganza?” I placed the tabloid on my kitchen table as I heard Lisa chuckle over the phone.

“Is that what they are saying now? I haven’t even met Oprah.” I heard her shuffling pages over the line and a part of me wondered if she was reading the novel. We hadn’t spoken about it since that night but I figured if she had read it she would have let me know.

“Yeah. And since you weren’t drinking at the party it’s obvious that you’re pregnant.”

“And who is the baby daddy this time?” She asked with a humorous tone.

“George Clooney.”

“Hmm. Guess I could do worse,” I could tell she was smiling and the infectious sound of her laughter filled my ears. I gripped the phone tighter in my hands and pressed it closer to me. What a feeble attempt to make her feel closer.

“How’s New York?” Lisa had flown back east to finalize the details for the fourth installment of Breakaway.

“Good. Lonely.” She sighed.

“What? George isn’t there catering to your every whim?” I placed the kettle on and grabbed my mug, already setting the honey and creamer for my tea.

“Well I actually have to tell you something,” she said in a serious tone. I waited for her to continue. “George isn’t the baby daddy…” I smiled.

“Oh, really? But I thought I could believe everything I read in the tabloids.”

“You would think but unfortunately it’s not true.”

“Care to explain how you got knocked up then?”

“Immaculate conception, of course.” I couldn’t stop the laughter that escaped my mouth.

“Seriously, Lisa. What’s going on over there? I thought you had someone waiting in the wings for you.”

“And why would you think that?” She asked more seriously.

“Well first off you told me that you were dating someone. That probably has a lot to do with it.”

“I did? I don’t remember that.”

I rolled my eyes. “You said that someone held your interest.”

“Hmm. Doesn’t mean I’m dating them though.” I clenched my teeth at the pronoun. Why couldn’t she just come out and say it? Why did she always have to hide?

“Then how about your secret rendezvous a couple months ago? When you couldn’t get together for our nightly talks? Don’t tell me you were just ditching me to hang out with your other friends.”

Lisa laughed at my assumption. “You’re right. I was having secret rendezvous. Although they weren’t a secret and it wasn’t a rendezvous. BamBam’s brother recently moved to LA and I was helping him get situated.”

“Oh,” for some reason the knowledge that Lisa was available made me feel better, and worse at the same time.

“You really don’t date?”

“Well, I never said that…”

“Then what’s your type?” I poured the hot water and dipped the tea bag in and out.

“Why? Do you have some single friends you’re looking to hook me up with?”

“Currently, Lisa, you’re my only single friend. But I’m sure some of the married ones wouldn’t mind ditching their wives to be with you.”

“Hmm. Interesting.” She said curiously.

“What is? Married men float your boat?” I chuckled at the absurdity of our conversation.

“No. Just your choice of pronouns.”

“Why is that interesting?” With my tea now forgotten, my ears perked up. Sure, I knew that Lisa had feelings for me when we were younger but did that mean she was gay? I knew many straight women had feelings for their girlfriends in school, but they were married now…to men.

“Well, you assume that I’m into men.”

“You’re not?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“So you are interested in men?”

She laughed loudly and I wondered if maybe I had hit the nail on the head. “I really can’t believe after everything we’ve been through you don’t know my preferences yet.”

“You know you’ve never said either way to me. You’ve always left me to assume.”

“Maybe I just don’t like labels.”

“Okay. But if you had to label yourself what would you say?”

“That I’m straight…” My heart sank at the words. “As a rainbow.”

I groaned at her and she chuckled again. “You’re just loving this aren’t you?”

“I have to say it does pass the time quite nicely.”

“Lisa…” I grated and I think she could tell that I was getting frustrated because her teasing eased.

“Does it really matter to you, Jen? If I am or not?”

I closed my eyes and thought for a moment. “No, of course not.” As a friend I could care less if Lisa was gay or straight. But as something more…

“Damn.” Her voice was slightly dejected.

“What?”

I heard her breathe in deeply. “I kind of wish you did care.” I closed my eyes at the flirtatious way Lisa said the words.

“We should have more conversations over the phone.” I my lips as my throat started to dry.

“And why’s that?”

“Because I think you’ve told me more about your personal life in these last twenty minutes than I’ve known in the last decade.”

“You know I’m an open book. You can ask me anything and I’d tell you.” Her voice was sincere and a million questions came to mind but only one stood out amongst the fray.

“Lisa?”

Hm?”

“Are you gay?” Silence.

“Yes. But you already knew that didn’t you?”

“I think a part of me did, yes.”

“Which part?” I bit my lip as I considered all the options in my head. Her previous flirtatious words coursing through my veins.

I opened my mouth to counter but instead I decided not to play with fire. “Is it hard? To keep that from everyone? Your fans, the media?” I chewed on my bottom lip, wishing that we were having this conversation face to face and silently thanking God that we weren’t. I don’t know how Lisa would have taken my beet red face at this moment.

“You know me, J. I’ve always kept a lot of my personal life…well personal. I guess it’s not that difficult when you grow up with it not out in the open anyways.”

I was nodding but I realized she wasn’t there to see me. “But what about when you meet someone? Is it going to be an issue?” I knew that more and more actors and actresses were coming out these days but with Lisa still being somewhat new in the entertainment business, I wasn’t sure how it would impact her career.

“There you go assuming again.” Lisa sighed as I heard shuffling of sheets. I imagined her cuddled up in her bed, holding the blankets tight.

The side lamp illuminating a soft yellow glow against her skin. I shook my head.

“What am I assuming now?”

“That I’m going to meet someone.” I would have laughed if her tone was anything other than truthful.

“You don’t think so?”

Lisa sighed heavily. “Remember your girlfriend in high school?”

I glanced down at the illuminated screen surprised at the sudden change of topic. “Uh, yeah?”

“And remember when I kept asking you if she was your type?”

“Of course.”

“Well, the problem is…” again she sighed, “I have a very, very particular type.”

“I get it. You’re picky. And I think in your position you’re allowed to be.” I clenched my fingers around my phone. Of course Lisa grew into being attracted to a specific type of woman. Probably tall, beautiful, smart - an actress like her maybe? I envisioned the type of person that Lisa could be with and not once did any imagined figure look like me.

“Yeah. I guess.”

“It doesn’t mean that you won’t meet someone eventually.” I hated the dejected tone coming from the other line. If I could say anything to her that would pick her spirit back up I would.

“Sometimes I think I already did.” It was only a whisper and I tilted my head back.

“Who?” Even though something deep down inside of me knew the answer I still asked.

“We always want something we can’t have. I said that once to you, didn’t I?” Her voice cracked and I felt my heart constrict at the sound. She was on the verge of tears.

“Lisa…” I tried to find anything in my mind that could comfort her. I wanted to say that I knew it was me. I wanted to tell her that I had lied to her and that I wanted her to stay but I couldn’t bear being the person that held her back from what she deserved in life.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…I’m just a little down. It’s weird being back here and it not feeling like home.”

“I know,” I whispered to her. She cleared and we stayed silent for a moment, the only sound of her breathing coming into the line.

“I should let you go…” she sighed and then she added, “You’re probably exhausted. I’ll call you when I’m back in town.”

I said goodnight to Lisa while leaving so much unsaid. My mind drifted to a time when all we had to worry about was trying to pass history and math. My feelings for her had been so deep, so true, and I had never even imagined that they would ever be returned. How could they with Lisa being who she was? She had been everything that I wasn’t and I had been so sure that there would never be a mutual attraction. But those feelings were returned and in the days after she left I had admonished myself for not seeing the signs. How had I not caught on to the silent smiles and gestures that she had given me in hopes that I would return her own feelings?

And now here we both were, nearly a decade later. Our teenage years imprinted in our memories yet gone through the travels of time. I was no longer that shy teenager, even though sometimes I still felt her weight on my shoulders. I wasn’t sure if I was just more experienced or if Lisa grew to be more open but I saw those moments more clearly now. Her words were no longer a puzzle that I had to piece together. Her stare no longer held confusion and her breath spoke more in silence than any voice could explain. Through these months of rebuilding our friendship I knew what all of these things summed up to.

Lisa still harboured feelings for me, and just like she did when we were younger, she was hoping that maybe I would see them and realize that there was something there; something more than just friendship.

And I did realize it. Every nerve, every cell, every breath inside of me wanted her. The attraction was just as electrifying as it was when we were young and it wasn’t just the physical. Her beauty was so much on the inside as it was on the out and my body and mind reacted every moment I saw her and heard her voice. But the question was, why was I still pushing her away? Why was I still creating distance when all we both wanted was to take steps closer to one another? Because I want Lisa. No, I need her and now that she was back in my life I didn’t want to lose her again. The risk was too large for me to take and I knew that if I wanted to keep her in my life, I would have to sacrifice that part of me again. It was for the best, really. Only for the best…

I closed my eyes as I willed the lie in my mind to become the truth but no matter how tightly I shut them I knew those thoughts would never take that form. Because keeping my feelings from Lisa wasn’t for the best. It wasn’t a sacrifice I was willing to make again. It was a risk that was worth taking and I wanted to take that leap and fall without a safety net. Because in the end, if all I had is one fleeting memory of Lisa’s lips on my own then I knew it would be worth it. I knew that loving her for one day would be worth not knowing what she felt like for a lifetime. And in that moment, standing in my kitchen, alone and finally aware of the road I wanted to travel I had never felt more sure of anything in my life.

***

“Have you ever told a lie to someone that you thought was for the best but in the end, maybe it wasn’t such a smart thing to do?” I asked Joy as we sipped our lattes. We both had agreed to teach one summer school class and our scheduled times were late morning. We always made a point to grab coffee together before our classes to get us through the seemingly never ending days.

“I need more context.” She responded while considering my question.

I chewed on my bottom lip trying to put this in a perspective she could understand. “Let’s say hypothetically…that you’re in love with someone…”

Her eyes widened and a sly grin crept up her cheeks.

“I said hypothetically, Joy.” I narrowed my eyes and she held up her hands in mock surrender.

“Okay, please, continue.”

“Anyways, like I was saying…” I waited a beat to see if she had more to say but after a few moments of silence I continued. “Hypothetically, if the person you secretly love tells you that they have feelings for you, but they are planning on taking their dream job across the sta