March 2008

“Ow! What the hell was that for?” I rubbed my arm where a stinging sensation was still tingling my skin. I looked over to Lisa who was laying still beside me. quirked into a smile.

“That was me yanking you out of whatever daydream you were having.”

I looked up at the dark night sky and chuckled. “Is it still called a daydream if it’s night time?”

We were settled in my back yard laying on the grass and looking up at the stars. I wondered if somewhere, someone else was doing the same thing away from city lights, wondering the same thing. How many more stars did they see? How many more tiny pinpricks of time invaded the night sky? Did they too look up and wonder if that star was still even there anymore?

“What are you thinking about?” I heard her ask.

“Just wondering if the stars we see are really still there.”

She grew silent and I could almost hear the wheels spinning in her mind. “Do you think they are?” She shifted her body towards me. I didn’t dare look at her as I answered, knowing that the twinkling light of the night in her eyes would rival any starlit sky.

“I don’t know. I guess it’s possible that they aren’t. Seeing as we are looking millions of years back in time.”

“Hmm,” she murmured.

“What do you think?” I only turned my head when I felt her readjust to lay on her back again. One arm was cradling her neck as she stared up, contemplating. “I think I don’t want to know.” I waited. “Even if they aren’t there we still see them as if they were. It’s nice knowing that you can still see them even if they are gone. ”

I stayed silent, agreeing with her. I wished that would happen all the time, instead of just with the stars.

“Maybe…” Lisa started and then stayed quiet. I my side, giving her my full attention. Her eyes drew into me and I waited for her to continue. “Maybe they’re up there right now, looking down at us, or maybe it’s up to them, I don’t know…” I took her hand as she rambled. It was an action that we both became comfortable with these last months of being friends. “Maybe they’re looking at us and we’re stars to them. Wherever they are.” She breathed out heavily. “Does that sound stupid?”

I squeezed her warm hand. “No. I think it sounds nice. Just thinking that my dad may be looking at me right now makes me feel warm inside.”

“Yeah, and maybe they are looking at us, at the stars, and wondering if we’re still really here.” Her face turned grim. “The only difference is we really are.”

I kept my hand held tight with hers as her thumb traced uneven patterns over my skin. “They are still there too,” I said definitively. I motioned toward the stars above and Lisa quieted. Her thoughts now only her own and not meant for anyone else’s ears.

“Well, now that we’ve had our philosophical journey for the night I have to ask, are you excited about tomorrow?”

My face cracked into a wide smile. “Of course I am. I can’t wait to get these things off,” I pointed to the metal in my mouth.

“What’s the first thing you’re going to do?” Lisa asked.

I thought for a moment and decided, “Buy a pack of gum and eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Maybe even two!”

We laughed together at the hilarity of my choices. “Are you still going out with what’s her name?”

I nodded my head as the sudden wave of anxiousness settled over me. Tomorrow was my first real date with a real girl that actually really liked me. Her name was Amber and she, like Lisa, was a transfer to our school. She was out and proud and seeing as the Fab Five had settled down with the bullying ever since Lisa ‘claimed’ me, I didn’t feel the need to hide anymore. Of course my mom still didn’t know. That was something I still had to work up the courage for. She thought that I was going to the movies with Lisa but instead I was hanging out with Amber.

“Are you sure you like her?” Lisa asked me again. She had been asking me since I told her last week about my pending date.

“Yeah. She’s nice. Why, don’t you like her?” I was surprised with the pit that landed in my stomach. Lisa’s opinion meant more to me than even my own and I wanted her approval more than anything.

I watched her shrug her shoulder, her voice seemingly miles away. “Yeah, I guess. But I just didn’t think you went for that type.”

“Type?” I asked.

“Yeah. You know. Short hair, sort of boyish.” She paused. “She’s a total butch. I just thought you’d be into more of the girly types.”

Like you? My brain screamed for me to say it but I kept that to myself. I didn’t even know if Lisa was interested in anyone. Even if it would be a boy or a girl. She never seemed to talk about her personal preferences but I figured if she was gay she would have already told me. I considered Amber for a moment. Yes, she had short hair and her style could be worn by a boy, but her face was feminine and pretty. Not beautiful like Lisa, but still pretty. “I don’t know what my type is. Maybe it’s Amber, maybe it’s not. I guess I’ll find out.”

“Yeah, I guess.” She still sounded hesitant but right before I could ask her what was wrong she asked, “Do you want to come over so we can find you something to wear?”

I looked down at my clothes. I wasn’t expecting to get all dolled up for the date. I was just going to wear my usual jeans and top. “Why? Do I need to?”

Lisa chuckled and nudged my shoulder. “Don’t you want to impress her on your first date?”

“I don’t know, do I?” I wasn’t used to these types of things. Wasn’t she already impressed if she asked me out?

“I’m going to let you in on a little secret, J.” Lisa looked at me. “Girls generally like to dress nice when going out on dates.”

“Hey! I dress nice!” I pushed her playfully as she chuckled.

“I’m not berating your style. I’m just saying that she’s a total butch and will probably be dressed to impress. Just putting it out there so you two love birds can match.”

“And what do I have to wear?” I asked hesitantly.

“That’s what we will find out tomorrow.” She smiled at me and my nerves started to go on overdrive. Although Lisa’s wardrobe wasn’t very girly it was still more than what I usually wear. And to top it off she was a good t