Some says that if you want to be forgiven, you should work hard for it… but for me is a different case. How can I prove to her that I deserve her forgiveness if she doesn’t want me to try? If she keeps on telling me that everything is okay but I know it’s not. How can I apologize if she won’t listen or refuse to listen? I was staring blankly in front of this huge television on our intertainment room, I am here in my our family’s house. I went here after the incounter of Dara and I earlier. 

I’m holding a bottle of beer, it’s been a while since the last time I did this, locking myself alone while drinking. I’m thinking of what happened earlier, did I really hurt her that much? Too much that she find it hard to forgive me? I can clearly remember how she cried earlier, how much she’s hurting and how much she tried to hide everything.

After I finished with the shot that Bom unnie gave me I quickly went to the garden and looked for Dara. She was there to take care of Minzy who is near vomitting. We didn’t drink too much but because Minzy is not really into alcohol  so she got drunk easily, her alcohol tolerance is still low. I saw them sitting in front of swimming pool. Their feet are on water, I was about to turn around and go back to Bom unnie when Minzy called me.

“Yah! Unnie! Join us!” Minzy said in her drunk state.

I looked at Dara, asking her if it’s okay. She nodded so I sat beside Minzy.

“I was gonna look for Bom” Dara said as she stood up and went inside the house.

I looked at Minzy, she was staring in the night sky so I did the same. The sky is pretty well tonight, there are many stars up above us and I can’t help but to smile. It’s wonderful.

“The sky is like Dara unnie” Minzy speak and when I look at her she’s still looking at the sky. “Beautiful but dark”

I was just listening to her, she seems deep tonight. 

“I miss our bright bright Dara bright!” she was singing the last 4 words, obviously she was really drunk. “I miss my unnie who can make things brighter whatever the situation are. I miss her.” She said and her eyes really looked so sad. “After you left her, she never been the same. The old unnie I used to know are all gone.”

I don’t know what to say, I really don’t have any idea of what Minzy is talking about. Personally, I don’t see what Minzy and Bom unnie is talking about. For me, Dara is still the same girl from the last time I saw her.

“Yah unnie!” Minzy shouted at me in her drunk state.

I hold my chest, I got shock damn it Mingki!

“Unnie doesn’t deserve the pain you cause her! You! Aishhhh!” She sound like an old man who was so drunk. “I love you both! I love the three of you unnie! It hurts that I saw how Dara Unnie suffered from your break up and it also hurt that I’m seeing the regret in your eyes now” 

Regret… I didn’t know that it was that obvious that I regret my decision. I regret leaving her, I really do… every damn time. I was about to speak when Minzy lost her conciousness. I quickly pulled her in my are so she won’t hit the floor or will go straight to the pool.

“I’m sorry” I whispered to her ear.

I support Minzy so we can go inside the house, as soon as Dara and Bom unnie saw us they immediately run to us and help me to carry Minzy to the guess room.

“Aishh this kid!” Bom exclaimed.

“It’s your fault, you know she’s not into alcohol but you still pushed her to drink” Dara scold Bom unnie.

“I told her to drink but not to be drunk! Duh!” I saw the eldest rolled her eyes.

“I’m just going to get some extra clothes so we can change her” Dara said and went to ger room.

Few minutes later, Dara went back holding a pair of pajama in her arms.

“I got this now, you two clean the living room so we auntie wont scold us tomorrow” Bom said 

Both of us went to the living room and do what Bom unnie asked us. We are silent, no one is speaking. It’s akward. I suddenly feel awkward now… the confidence I have this past few days are now gone. It was deafening silent and I was just observing Dara as she carefully cleaned the table.

“You can use the other guest room, I’ll just going to share my bed to Bommie” I heared her say.

Dara seems different since earlier this afternoon, she’s not talking to me that much, she can’t even look straight to my eyes and I feel really odd.

“Is there a problem Dara?” I calmly asked her. I’m concerned.

She stopped for a moment 

“You’re not talking to me since this afternoon. Did I do something wrong?”

She looked at me and I can see how she force to smile. A smile that doesn’t even reached her eyes.

“What are you saying Chae? Ofcourse everything is okay and I’m not ignoring you. Silly” then she continued on picking up the soju battles.

“Dara…”

“Chae it’s really nothing, don’t worry”

“I’m sorry” I said

“Why? You don’t have to be sorry… I told you it’s noth….”

“I’m sorry for leaving you”

I really wanna tell her how sorry I am but I can’t find my guts to say so this past few days and tonight with the help of liqour, I think I can say everything I wanna tell her.

She stopped again but this time she put down all the battle she’s holding.

“I’m sorry Dara, I regr….”

“I stop right there Chae!” She said, her voice is trembling. “Please let’s just forget that. I’m okay, it’s okay.” 

I went near her, hold her chin so she can look at me but I wanted to regret that because the moment our eyes meet, I saw the pain in her eyes. She was about to cry too. She jerked away, and walk backwards to have some distance.

“Please Chae… don’t pushed it. I don’t wanna talk about it”

“But how can we fixed it if you keep on ignoring my apology?” I said.

“Chae there’s nothing to be fix, it’s all done… we’re all done” She said and that pinched my ing heart 

“But…”

“What Chae?! But what?! I told you it’s okay! I’m okay now! See I’m….” and she starts to cry “I’m fine… I’m… happy… really… happy” She was sobbing hard.

“Dara…” I start to move forward, I want to comfort her, to tell her how sorry I am.

“It’s still ing hurt Chae… it’s still here. I can’t forget the pain… I just can’t” She was breaking down “I can’t fix my own heart damn it. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I hude everything it’s still ing hurting me”

I… I was speechless, I didn’t know that I hurt her this much. I didn’t know that I broke her this much. Seeing her breaking down making me weak, I never thought that she still in so much pain. Well, she’s really is a good actress I guess.

I pulled her in to my arms, she’s not resisting me but not even hugging me back too.

“I’m sorry Dara” I said as I feel my eyes getting wet.

This girl inside my arms is the most precious girl on earth for me but I choose to be coward and hurt her, Breaking her apart. 

“I regret the things I’ve done, If only I can turn back time” I said while crying. I’m not a cry baby but once I did it’s really breaking me too.

“But you cannot.” I heard her speak. She pulled away and make a distance once again. “Everything is already done, you can’t just turn back the time and make a different choice and that is life Chae. We made choice that we regret and we can’t do anything about it”

“Let me fix it again Dara… let me fix you again” 

I was about to get near her again but she told me to stop so I did.

“No Chaerin. There is nothing to be fixed. Let’s just let it be, let’s just accept that we are not really meant for each other”

I feel the tugged in my heart, she doesn’t want to try it again, she already gave up on us and I can’t blame her, I cause her too much pain. It’s all my fault.

“You broke me to the point that even I can’t  fix myself. You fixed me but then you also broke me even more. I can’t find the scattered pieces of my heart until now and I pray everyday that someday, I won’t anymore feel the pain of lossing someone who I gave my all. I gave you my all Chae, nothing has left in me so when the moment you choose to leave, you left me empty. I’m so empty that no one even you, can’t fill me anymore” 

I was crying silently, hearing her words cut me deep in my heart. How can I fix it now? The damage I have done to Dara is huge, it’s almost cannot be fixed. Her eyes telling me that she’s tired of hurting, her tears tells me that until now she’s in deep pain. 

“Let’s just try for forget everything that happened to us. Let’s just let it be. What’s important now is that we remain friends after all and that’s already enough for me”

But it’s not for me. It’s not enough for me because I know in my heart that I only want Dara in my life, nothing else. She’s the only person I want to spend my lifetime with. But what will I do now? With the fact that Dara doesn’t want to try it again. 

I never thought that it would be this hard, that the forgiveness that I want is not that easy to have. I close my eyes… I don’t know what to do now. I feel my energy left my body. I’m finishing my beer when the door opened. My mom entered the room with a cup in her hand. She took away my beer and put the cup of coffee in the center table. She sat beside me.

“Come here” She patted the space between us.

I immediately throw myself to her. I need her comfort. For everyone they see me as strong independent woman but for my mother, I will always be her babygirl no matter how old I am. 

I felt her hug me and there, I burst out crying. I don’t care if I am crying loudly or I’m crying like a baby. I need this, I really do. 

“I’m regreting everything omma. I really do. I hurt her so much and because of that she don’t want to be with me anymore” I said while crying.

My mom is the only person I can talk about everything. She knows everything about me and Dara and accepted us without even asking. She said that if that can make us hapoy then she will support the both of us. Imagine the support we have but I ended uo ruining it?

“Omma… I don’t know what to do. I want her back but it seems that I already lost her”

“Chaerin… everyone is not perfect. Everyone can make mistake. Did Dara have special someone now?” She asked, I shook my head in an instant. “Then you still have a chance”

“But I hurt her omma. I saw in her own eyes that she’s still hurting and I hate myself for that. I throw everything away for my stupid dream, I throw the person who loves me more than herself. I choose to be selfish and I don’t know if I still deserve her now” my tears won’t stop from falling. It hurts knowing that I caused all of Dara’s pain.

“Chae baby, look at me” I look up to my mom “do you love Sandara?” I nodded “Then fight for what you feel. I admit that I too got angry with you when I learn that you broke up with Dara” 

“I’m sorry for disappointing you omma” I said and hug her again.

“You know how much I love your ex-girlfriend right? She was the sweetest and the most hamble person I ever met. I saw how she took care  of you, how much she loves you and how much she endure everything just to keep you with her. I saw her sacrifise that you failed to see before. There are times during your preperation for your US debut that she would visit us here because she learn that I miss you so much so she’ll gonna buy me my favorite cake that you used to give me or she’s going to your dad to asked if he can teach her to draw so your appa will lessen her worriedness for you. Harin usually hangs out with her whenever you’re away. She became a part of this family even you’re far away and that made me angry over you. She didd her best but you just throw her away like she’s nothing.”

I was sobbing real hard, the things I failed to see before are the things that Dara does for me. I’m sorry baby…

“It’s your time to fight for the both of you. Dara did her part and she’s now tired and done with every single effort that you missed to appriciate. Do your part Chaerin, if you really love Dara make her feel love. I heard what you did this morning from Harin and I’m telling you it’s so lame.” I feel her hit me on my shoulder.

“Yah omma! I put my effort while cooking her breakfast!” I defended myself and wioe my tears.

“We don’t raise you to be that lazy Chaerin Lee!  You don’t even buy her flower! I called her earlier and said there’s no flower!”

“Yah omma! Why did you…aishhh!” I exclaimed feeling embarassed.

“What? I’m just making sure you’re now awake from your stupidness Chaerin.” She rolled her eyes on me.

“You should just asked me instead, why do you have to asked Dara herself? Aish!” 

“Because I miss her and I wanna talk to her. We barely talk now seems like she’s putting her wall from anything related to you stupid!” 

Aish… my mom really hayyy. She’s really like that. She will tell me everything she wanted to say, I got her attitude I guess .

“But seriously my daughter, if you really wanna get her back, you should put more efforts, a dozen of patients and a thousand of self support. Dara is amazing woman Chae, I don’t want to see you regreting why you left her for the rest of your life. Everyone deserves a second chance. Prove that to her and to everyone around you” she told me and I felt that. “Will the baddest female surrender just like that with even giving a good fight?”

I smiled at her, my omma is right. If want her… I should never surrender. After all, she deserves everything.

“I’m not the baddest female for nothing” I said cinfidently.

Wait for me Sandara Park, I’m gonna get you back babe.

OMO the baddest female is back ya'll! What would she do to get Dara back? Let's all find out soon! Thank you for reading guys!