Baekhyun hummed softly to himself as he wandered through the aisles and walkways of the nursery he loved so much. The sun was out and the spate of heavy summer storms seemed to have blown over for the time being. A soft breeze blew through his hair which was really getting too long. It was a mess. He fidgeted with a sprig of lavender as he walked and as he rubbed the velvety stem between his fingers, his skin feeling every soft surface of the grey-green twig, he thought about how right Chanyeol had been.

He did love the way they felt in his hands. The sensation of the plant was almost velveteen and he inhaled as the oils released themselves into the air around him. He reached into his pocket for an earbud and put one into his ear as he pressed play and the sound of Chanyeol's velvety voice filled his senses with warmth and comfort as he picked up a broom and began to sweep.

The space around his workbench was a mess. Seedling pots had been upturned and their soil had spilled out onto the bench and the floor. There was dirt and soil everywhere and Baekhyun swept the mess into a neat pile and rescued the little black seed pots from the ground. Baekhyun flushed hot all over when he remembered the reason his work area was so scattered and messy. Chanyeol had been gone for five days before he could even bear to go over there and clean up the mess caused by their frantic and unreserved passion. Baekhyun couldn't believe he had allowed himself to get so carried away in the moment but as soon as he was in Chanyeol's arms it was like nothing else mattered. It felt so good and it felt so right.

He had been worried about leading him on, giving Chanyeol expecations he couldn't meet, promises he couldn't keep. He wouldn't do it. But Chanyeol had seemed to understand Baekhyun's reluctance. He had given him nothing but patience and time and once again Baekhyun felt selfish. It wasn't the first time he let Chanyeol give him everything with no expectation of anything in return and it cut Baekhyun deep when he realised that after a lifetime of friendship nothing had changed. It was still him taking and taking, always being the one to get what he wanted, Chanyeol unselfishly and humbly accepting whatever crumbs Baekhyun was happy to dish out to him. As he swept and hummed along with Chanyeol's new album in his ears he wondered how much Chanyeol resented him.

If he didn't already it wouldn't take long. There had to be an end to his unrelenting kindness and patience. Last time Chanyeol left he had left Baekhyun with questions, with anger and resentment, and a heavily dented pride. This time he had left him with a sweet kiss and an embrace that Baekhyun never wanted to end. Because despite his reticence and his inability to chase after what he wanted Baekhyun knew he loved him too.

He dropped the broom and pulled the earbud out of his ear. All the emotion of the last ten days suddenly bubbled up inside him, threatening to spill everywhere, and he had trouble containing it. He hurried from the nursery, out the front gate, and around the back fence. By the time he was under the tree his breath was coming in short sharp bursts and he felt like he was hyperventilating. Baekhyun leaned against the tree and tried to catch his breath as dizziness overwhelmed him and that's when he saw it. The initials scratched deep into the bark were weathered and aged and had been there forever. But the heart carved around them was fresh and new and as his fingers traced the deep cuts on the tree he sobbed.

He was tired of being strong, of being the Baekhyun he thought people expected, of putting his own feelings aside while he tried to be everything to everyone. It made him seem selfish, as though he had not enough to give, when in reality all he wanted was to give all of himself to the man he loved.

The man he loved.......

Because he did. 

He knew he loved him. He knew he always had. If he could do it all over again he would be eighteen year old Baekhyun again. He would push aside his childish infatuation and his need to fulfil people's expectations. He would let Chanyeol walk with him by the creek and play him his beautiful heartfelt song and he would hold his hand and kiss him and be gentle with his heart.

But he knew that would have been selfish too. He knew if all those years ago he had taken Chanyeol's heart for himself then Chanyeol's dreams would have been ruined. He never would have left him, he never would have went in pursuit of his goals, he would have stayed stuck in the small town rut that everyone else was caught up in. Baekhyun's ignorance had given Chanyeol his freedom to be himself despite the pain in the process.

As Baekhyun's fingertips traced the freshly cut bark he was ready to bury the past. Memories would always be held deep inside his heart, the good with the bad, the love with the pain. But he couldn't change what had happened and it was time to let go. He'd left it too late and Chanyeol had gone back to his life, his real life, and Baekhyun knew he had wasted his chance. He'd had ten days to say something or do something, anything to let Chanyeol know how much he loved him, how much he wanted to be with him. And he'd let his chance slip though his fingers like fine sand not knowing how to grasp it.

Baekhyun walked through the nursery and his mum called out to him from her usual place at the front counter. He knew she would have a hot tea somewhere back there and he suddenly wanted one too. She hadn't pressed him for information after Chanyeol left their house early that morning five days ago and he had hoped she wouldn't but when he turned towards her with puffy eyes and a damp red nose she knew he had been crying. "What's the matter?" she asked softly as she pulled him into a hug and he sniffled into her shoulder. "Everything. Mum, how did I get it so wrong? I've made so many mistakes....." his voice trailed off as the reality of his lost chance hit him. "All he ever did was love me and I've ruined everything...."

"Is it really ruined though?" She asked and he shrugged as he pulled away from her embrace. "I guess so. I was an idiot, then and now, and I don't know how much more he can take." Baekhyun shivered as he thought of Chanyeol back in his beautiful apartment surrounded by beautiful things living his beautiful life. Was there a place for him? A place for a stubborn man, short and selfish, hair too long and nails always dirty. Where did he fit in?

The nursery wasn't busy and Baekhyun took his leave in search of solitude. He couldn't face their tree, or the creek, or any other place thick with memories of the past and the present. He went into the house, up into his room, and closed the door. He fell onto his bed and curled up around his pillow which still held the faint scent of something subtle and expensive and fresh. Fresh cotton, fresh lemons, the essence of Chanyeol. The remnant of their one perfect night.

Baekhyun's phone buzzed and he reached for it frantically, his heart jumping out of his chest, hoping the message was from Chanyeol. It wasn't. It was from Jongdae asking if he wanted to hang out after Minseok finished up at the library and he replied with a yes. He had to get out of the house and away from his unproductive introspection and he stepped into the shower before leaving to meet his friends.