seeking help is not being weak

The mental health adviser has a nice smile, warm eyes, a soft voice and Yongsun likes his office, she finds it therapeutic with the baby blue walls, wooden floors (which are a nice change from the tiled floors that are found everywhere nowadays). There is a small picture of the adviser’s family on his desk, he is shamelessly open about his life. Yongsun likes that.

For the better part of her life, Yongsun has kept quiet, living in solitude by herself. Some times, when she is alone and Moonbyul is not there to serve as a sanctum, Yongsun wonders if she even knows herself, she draws her knees to her chest and feels incredibly small in an incredibly large world.

During their meetings, Yongsun talks the most, a lump forms in when she speaks about life and death, she has not realised how much fear has been residing in her body, and how it has slowly been eating away at her bones.

Yongsun’s voice breaks here and there, she cries sometimes and apologises but the adviser tells her not to be sorry, that she has every right to cry. Despite the adviser’s admonition, Yongsun continues to apologise. She stares up at the ceiling as she tries to blink away the tears.

The adviser is understanding, he helps her, he listens and is there for Yongsun in ways that no one else has been, not even Moonbyul. Do not misunderstand: Yongsun will openly confess that Moonbyul may be the best thing that has ever happened to her but there are certain things, dark things, that she does not dare to share with her.

Perhaps it is the way Yongsun is; too stubborn to speak about the Theory of Life, or it may be that Yongsun is selfless and does not want to burden Moonbyul with her troubles.

Sitting in a chair across from the adviser, Yongsun avoids eye contact when she talks; she stares at the paintings on the wall, the clock above the door, the picture on his desk. She tells him about her Theory of Life, chuckling bitterly. He listens, nodding his head from time to time, trying to understand the theory. In the end, he asks if she has ever thought of the possibility that her Theory of Life could be disproven.

Yongsun knows that saying yes or no means admitting to the fact that she has thought about it (that the Theory of Life could be disproven, could be destroyed) and Yongsun tells herself she has not thought about it, because she feels she would be neglecting the past and the theory’s origin if she did, and Yongsun remembers her history teacher saying: it’s crucial to know the past in order to avoid inhumane and immoral futures, if we don’t, then we’ll just be painting the same motif on a new canvas.

Opening up is draining, tiresome, but in the act of seeking help, Yongsun finds strength in herself. She washes her face in the restroom before she goes outside and hopes nobody will notice how red her eyes are. Her legs are wobbly, but she walks onwards. Then she runs, and she smiles as she passes people with bewildered expressions. She lets out a hearty laugh when she realises that she is not running from something but rather towards something.

When Yongsun returns to the apartment, she sees Moonbyul standing by the counter making supper. Yongsun kicks off her boots, practically rips off her coat and sprints to Moonbyul, hugging her from behind. Moonbyul gasps, then chuckles, and places her hands over Yongsun’s. 

«How did it go today?» Moonbyul asks with a smile on her face.

Yongsun only hums, closes her eyes and buries her face in the nape of Moonbyul’s neck.