After being in the hospital for only ten minutes Joshua swore he hated the color white. Everything was white washed and smelled of sanitizer and bleach. He could feel the lack of germs and the smell of over sanitation make him sick. 

He coughed at the smell, almost burning his lungs because pacing back and forth in a small, confined area was not pleasing. He just wanted to see Hansol and ask if he was okay. Joshua sighed again at the loneliness. 

If Hansol were out here it would be loud. His boyfriend would be hold his hand and smiling and laughing because Hansol can’t keep a straight face during a serious time. He’d be tell him but to worry. And he  probably smile back. 

Joshua could here doors slamming. He just wished that he could be in the room rather than outside the room.  Sure, Vernon was old enough to take care of himself but he was his baby. No matter what he would protect his baby. The thought of him being alone in a room where he wasn’t in was scary.

And yes, Joshua did know he was probably overreact to the situation but he was nervous. Despite the persona that his boyfriend displayed he was really a bean. Soft and squishy bean. Yeah, Hansol act like a typical American Bad Boy but he was really a geek who lost his glasses. 

Pacing proved to not be as effective as he had hoped. It made him more worried and it didn’t pass the time any faster. With a groan he stared at the clock for the a millionth time that night (or was it morning he couldn’t tell). 

The next time that Hansol told him that he look like and angel he would throw up in his mouth because white wasn’t as happy as a color as people make it out to be. 

Bored, he decided to ask the nurse when he could see the younger and wha room he was in. The nurse at the register looked up in confusion so he tried again and still the same response. He wondered absently if he was speak Korean or not so he tried it in Korean. 

“Oh, I see,” the nurse said with a soft smile. “Yes Choi Hansol, room 239. Its the one on the middle floor. You can’t see him yet because they are still doing tests but that should last about 5 more minutes or so.”

5 minutes he could do that right. He nodded to himself he could definitely do this. In five minutes he could go see his boyfriend again. 

He couldn’t do it. 

He was growing more and more antsy as time went by. He kept glance at the clock and his leg bouncing, hoping that miraculously time would fly faster. Which it didn’t but he the thought of seeing the sick boy gave him hope. 

“Are you here for Choi Hansol,” a deep male voice ask. And Joshua immediately stand up. Finally he thought some good news and they would be able to leave soon. He pick up his things and follow the man to Hansol’s room. 

He stopped just before the door, a fresh wave of anxiety washing over him as he froze in his place. Biting his lip and his mind rushing from thinking to much. He swayed side to sided for a while debating whether or not to go inside. 

“Hello? Mr.Joshua Hong are you coming? This is the room is it not? Or it is the wrong person,” the nurse asked with actual concern dripping from her words. She cocked her head to the side and stepped back to look Joshua in the eyes. 

He shook his head after a while and gingerly push the door open gazing at the latter. His soft brown locks flying in random directions and a few stray hairs plater against his forehead. Joshua slid some of the stray hairs behind his ears, combing his hair with his fingers. 

The small twitch of his lips gave Joshua an indication that yes he was still asleep so he decided to gently lift the blanket and hold the younger hand. Rubbing small circles into the semi-tan and bony skin. 

He felt one of Hansol fingers twitch and then slowly release his hand as the younger stirred a little bit. Then after a moment or so he open rich chocolate colored eyes, meeting Joshua’s. The elder gave him a small smile before removing his other hand from his hair. 

“Hey Sollie,” he whispered hoping that the change in volume wouldn’t be that great. “Do you need anything?” He watched the younger think for a moment and then nod. 

“..ater” he tried but it came out as more of a whisper and it kinda hurt his throat so he decided to make hand gestures to the pitcher of water beside his bed. Giving Joshua a thumbs up when he poured a glass of water. 

The coldness of the water felt weird against his dry throat but he didn’t complain. Drinking the whole cup, but choking on it later after Joshua told him to slow down. Ironic. He pressed a hand to his chest and then give him another thumbs up after he was done dying. 

“I told you to be careful,” he said with the ‘I told you so look on his face. Hansol rolled his eyes not amused by the older of the twos antics and then rolled over playfully as if to signify that he was upset with the older of them. 

Joshua let out a small chuckle before taking said cup into his hands and wiping the water off of his boyfriend chin. Alarmist spilling it on himself during the process but managed to actually clean it up somehow without spilling it on himself. 

Once he knew that the latter was fully awake he decide that he would slip his hand under the blanket and caress the semi tan skin again and watch as the latter slowly closed his eyes again. Once he knew that the younger was asleep his slowly tucked the hand under the blankets again and made his way out of the room to see a nurse who was beckoning him.

He did feel a pang if guilt knowing that there latter was only in the situation because he couldn’t stay another day, and he couldn’t alter his schedule after taking the day off the previous day, he may the nurse outside the door and nodded at her as an indication that she could talk. 

“He will be able to go home tomorrow, we had planned on release him today but we ran into a few minor complication and want to check that out before we sent him home with you. Although we do trust that he is in good hands  with  you we need to do some final tests.” 

Joshua nodded but couriosity got the better of him so he asked the golden question, “What test are you running?” 

The nurse had a uneasy look on her face and bit into her lip, offering a sad smile when she was done biting her lip. “Well we think that Hansol is showing some signs of depression and we want to stop it and look into it before it got out of hand.”

Joshua couldn’t believe it, there was no way. His Hanson? Depressed? The boy was alway so happy and excited to do anything unless he hated it. But he had a burning passion with almost everything he did, and being an idol was no different. He nodded anyway to tell the nurse to keep going. 

“When you came with him last week one of the nurses that put the cast on his arm said that there appear to be some marks on his arm, from the wrist to his elbow almost. He still has some, we watched him and he had more this time than last time, we believe they are self inflicted because it doesn’t seem to me that you would do this because you seem awfully close.” 

“Also, the last time he came he was weighting about 140 pounds and today he is about 117. The drop was significant so that again leads us to believe that there was an underlying reason, this usually happen to people who suffer anxiety or depression so we want to check that before we sending him home.” 

Joshua could barely register what she was saying to him. There was not way. Not a chance, but apparently he was wrong. He’d seen Vernon at his highs and  almost lows, he who was alway there to comfort hyungs. He who worked so hard that he broke his wrist, he who could brightens a room with his smile was depressed. 

Joshua wanted to hug and never let his boyfriend go. He wanted to erase that thought from his mind. That the latttwr could even dream if cutting. He wanted to confront the younger and hear him say it’s not true, but evidence never lie. But he now wished it did. 

He knew that that confronting the latter wouldn’t make anything better, or of anything make it worse but he needed to hear why the younger did it. What made him think that this is what he needed to resort to. 

‘Why Hanson? You are so much better than this? You work so hard to make the Carats happy, to make everyone around you smile and tell us that it’s okay, but you can’t tell that you are good enough as well. That you need to starve yourself even when you were already perfect. That’s you need to carve into yourself to make yourself feel. I thought we weee in this together. Do you not trust me anymore?’ He thought to himself ad the made his way down the hall and push open to door. 

“Sollie? Is it true? Do you...you really?” He started but he couldn’t bring himself to say it. 

“You know?” He whisper

”Yes, I know. Tell me it’s not true.” He was making it worse. But it hurt that he wasn’t trust by his own boyfriend. 

“If they told you then it’s true,” he slowly flip over his wrist to show previous scars at various stages of healing. Gritting his teeth against a cascade of water fall. “I-I’m so sorry J-joshua,” he said, diffing his nails into a to deep cut, a slow trickle of blood down his arm. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay we’ll get through this together,” he stayed holding his boyfriend until he was able to get the younger to sleep. Then later he was told to leave until visiting hour was up. He won’t back to the shared apartment and sighed at the coldness of the sheets. 

Alone. 

For the first time in forever he  was alone. He and Hanson were almost never depressed bit but now he was alone. He didn’t know how the latter could do it, as one of the yijngerst in the group keeping everyone together like that  was hard. And now he was the one to comfort someone, not have Vernon comfort him. 

“What am I going to do about you, Hansol Vernon Chwe?” He said to the ceiling. Alone. How would he fix his boyfriend? 

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Yeah, I’m sorry guys I’m not sure what’s that was...so now after reading this you will probably guess that the ending will be soon and you are right...I’m sort, maybe like 2 or 3 more depend. I’m sorry for this because I am a terrible writer. But plz leave comment, I am inspired by them...

Luv chuuu guys 

사랑 해 요☝︎💕