Joshua quickly notice the lack of sound in the apartment building that he share with Hansol. Too quiet, his first instinct was to immediately run to the bathroom because that’s where the younger tended to be nowadays when you would look for him.

He was about to hyperventilate or pass out from lack of oxygen because he was definitely not panicking. Why would he, there was absolutely no possibility that his boyfriend could be carving false things into his skin. 

But actually he was sleeping, beside him exactly how he was when he fell asleep. Odd because Hansol could never sit still when he was asleep. He was...well the younger looked peaceful but it scared him. He was too still. But alive. 

If Joshua was being honest then he was petrified. Hansol was it seemed like he was getting worse. He seemed that he was different, almost like broken but healing. It wasn’t like Hansol wasn’t trying to get better. But he was just completely different. And that was what did it in the most. 

Hansol just looked soft though, light brown hair plastered across his face, at least he wasn’t thrashing from some sort of nightmare, he was actually sleeping. But Joshua was more distracted by he beauty. Hansol was so handsome, soft features, lithe body. Sure different, but his. His Hansol. 

Joshua smiled, he ran a hand through his lighter brown hair. He let out a small chuckle as he did so because the younger shifted under his touch, so homey. It reminded him of pre-debut. When the younger was smaller than him more than just height, looking at him now was like looking at back if a flashback. 

“C’mon, wake up Hansol,” Joshua cooed not stopping to run his hands through his boyfriend hair. “I know you won’t eat much but we can at least have morning coffee? Right. It’s a Saturday. Please?” He watch the younger. 

Hansol barely stirred. He wasn’t surprising by he action. Hansol was always jumpy, peppy preppy. Something like that. He was actually asleep. He figured that he should just be happy that he was actually sleeping this time. 

He manages to wake him up, by using the boyfriend card. Kissing was always a way that he could get him to wake up or get him to do something he despised. His boyfriend card. A small smirk playing on his lips as the pout formed across the youngers. 

Okay maybe the boyfriend card had some other perks, like coffee. Coffee was everyone’s card to be played to simple almost. Joshua smirked to himself as he slowly trudged down the stairs. 

The smell of coffee wafted through the house, a little bit of strawberry from the shampoo that he had used in the shower. Joshua set to work of making two cup of coffee, wrapping his hands against the heat of the cup, hoping to warm his hands up a little. The cold air settled throughout the house, even with the heat on it would be significantly chilly. 

Joshua shifted his body a little when the soft sound of shuffle footsteps made themselves known. Hansol’s lithe frame made its way slowly down the stairs, quietly. His boyfriends steps were soft, could’ve been easily missed. The slight whimper when the fabric made contact with the inside of his wrist was just the same, easily missed but Joshua knew better. 

Joshua knew better then all of s. There were some things that Hansol could hide from all of them, but Hansol couldn’t hide from his boyfriend. Hansol winced when his thigh muscles flexed, brushing against the fabric of his leggings. Another stream of whimpers slipped of his mouth. 

Joshua places his cup before his boyfriend, who slowly sat down biting into the skin of his lip so that the cuts didn’t hurt as much as they did. Waves of pain and numb. But he could feel. He could feel the pain of the pulsating cuts across his skin, and that was the only thing that made him sure he was safe. 

“Hansol,” Joshua breathed, “why could you do this to yourself? How could you hurt yourself? So strong, how could you break? Why would you do that?” 

“So it won’t hurt me,” He felt his breath hitch in his chest nervously. “Something talks to me when you leave me alone, it haunts me. It told me once I-if I don’t do it...it’ll do it for me. It’ll h-hurt me so much more then I wil. It hurts me so badly..h-help me..Joshua.” 

Joshua nearly cried hearing the latter say all of that. He looked into his boyfriend eyes as he put his hand over the youngers hand. He hugged him tightly as he felt the younger shake in his arms, nearly vibrating. Joshua held him as he whispered reassuring words as he kissed his cheek. He reassured him he loved him so many times until he stopped feeeling the younger cry into his shoulder. 

Joshua walked over to the cupboard and rummages around for the small white bag that held the pills that he had to give the younger to make him better. Once he found the pills he placed them in front of the younger of the two. Hansol jumped, looking at the pills he shook his head refusing.

Flashback 

Hansol knew the other trainee was right,he stopped eating, the feeling of missed meal cramps and pain consumed him for months. He pressed two fingers down his throat every other day or so, when he couldn’t pass it off as ‘not hungry.’ He was terrified of someone finding out. When Seungkwan found him passed out in the hallway it scared him. He knew it had to stop. 

He turned to something else. At 14, he was small but he needed something. Alcohol wasn’t as good as the adults made it out to be, it burned his throat, he usually ended up vomiting it after a while but the high of the drink made him whole. Like his body was floating, no longer attached. Smoke was similar. 

God he lived for drugs, the buzz. He couldn’t see straight, his eyes would glaze over he was terrified of loosing the high. Joshua as a trainee was always there when he was sobering up, expelling the drugs from his system. Painful headaches, from the hangover. 

Hansol loved the high more than anything else, he loved it..he needed it and he felt it when drugs courses through  his veins. He passed out once because he overdosed, but soon after that overdose was his daily amount. Drugs Alcohol he reaked of it but it stopped the voice inside his head.

He was used to being plagued of the splitting headaches, he was used to the high, he used it way to much. He remembers coughing up the alcohol that burned his throat so much. His eyes watered, the blurring vision that would play with his mind. But he stopped because of the one thing that could break him of anything. 

Joshua. 

—————

“Hansol, baby you have to take your medicines baby,” Joshua said, he pushed some of the small white pills closer to the boy. Hansol shook his head fiercely, for a moment he was scared Hansol might give himself more pain for the concussion. Joshua  cocked his head to the side. Looking to the younger ones eyes again. 

“J-Joshua I cant take those,” Hansol said, his hands were shaking like they did when he craved more, more of the drugs and the alcohol. The way when he got so high that his whole body was buzzed up with the drugs that his body would vibrate, to full. He was so scared.

He was too damn scared that he would do the same, become hooked on something that would be just like before. When he would pop pills, he was so scared that he would go back to the ways that he was before, years ago sure. But this was, different. He never cut then. He never hated himself then. Hansol whimpered out a plea.

”I’m so scared I’ll get addicted once again,” Hansol whispered out to Joshua. Joshua looks at the boy up and down. He embraced he younger in his arms as he felt tears leak out of his eyes when he stuttered over some of the word. 

“Hansol, I love you and I promise that’s I will never ever let you fall. I. Not. Let. You. Fall. I promise that you will not struggle like you did before, but I need you to get better. So please take them,” Joshua said as he ran a hand through his hair. 

Hansol pushed the pills into his mouth swallowing them with a swift drink of water. He fell asleep. Joshua carried the younger in  his arms to his room that he and Hansol shared.

Safe. Why didn’t he just believe that he was safe? He really with Joshua. 

Joshua kissed him, but he wasn’t planning on  moving. He would promise that he wouldn’t leave the youngest alone when he woke up. He wouldn’t let him fall like he did when he was in predebut. 

“I love you so much...Hansol.”