Numb. 

For the first time in forever he felt nothing, he wasn’t pushing himself so far the he was about to pass out. He wasn’t cut so deep that he would bleed out. His head wasn’t telling him all these things, the voices weren’t so loud that it felt like a constant migraine. 

He felt nothing. He could barley even feel his body, he felt like he was floating...and he was absolutely terrified. He was waiting for the crash. Waiting to see that this wasn’t a medication, but just another addictive drug. 

Warm arms had snakes their way around his waist. He could only see one, but he already knew it was Joshua. Hansol felt like crying, because the moment he saw his boyfriends face he felt like he got punched. Circles under Joshua eyes to prove he wasn’t sleeping, he was probably staying awake to make sure that Hansol was sleeping. 

Hansol curled in on himself, bony limbs pressed tightly against his ribcage. He wrapped small arms around his legs and laid their for countless minutes willing himself not to cry. The floaty feeling was fading, but he couldn’t register anything really. It all felt like a dream. 

He rolled himself over to face Joshua, pressed his face in his chest. He was so cold and Joshua was so much warm. The floaty feeling was nearly gone by the time that he felt Joshua shift. He was slightly dizzy, the overpowering smell of strawberry made him feeling feint. He loved it though. 

He looked up slightly from his position to see Joshua looking at him through slits, slowly blinking them open. Tired glazed eyes made him feel small, a peck was placed on his cheek as he felt the elder shift to get up. He felt a light squeeze on his hand. And then he was dragged up out of the bed. 

A small giggle escaped his lips, he gave no resistance as he was forced awake out of bed, but the thought of coffee made it easier. A cup of coffee and two small pills were already placed downstairs by the time that the younger had made to the kitchen. He smiled as he saw the elder making eggs and something else he couldn’t see. 

His head hurt, a migraine forming maybe, but it was something. During these times he would be in the bathroom crying with a blade to the inside of his wrist until he would pass out or someone cam in. But he was awAke. He wince to himself when he felt the dull throb of his headache turn sharp. 

He turned to look at the older boyfriend who had brought over a cup of coffee for the younger to sip on. Caffeine flooding his system seemed to snap him out of the drowsy state as it slowly made its way into his system. It lessened the headache a bit, like it always does. 

Joshua was looking at him through half lidded eyes, the stam from the coffee cup collecting in front of his eyes and making it hard for him to eyes his younger boyfriend, who was noticeably less fidgety. He sighed with a small amount of content, at least that was better. He placed the cup in the sink, not bothering to make breakfast for Hansol in fear of him throw it up later. But a small plate off eggs he had in front of him he wasn’t going to eat was about a fourth eaten when he sat back down. 

Huh, Joshua though, he did eat something. A small smile plastered against his face as he was very much pleased the younger was at least trying to eat some. He was caught gazing at the younger, his eyes were looking for some sort of sign, distress or uncomfortable expression. He found none. 

Hansol’s didn’t have any new scars, the ones that were in his wrist were caked in old blood, tan lines from forming scars, and some puffy from previous times. Short sleeves seemed alien on the latter after seeing him in long sleeved for a few months, Joshua was proud of the younger. 

Hansol was really trying to get better he could tell that, small strides and small steps he could tell that much. Some of other members have been so supportive of him too, Joshua was just willing to do whatever it take to make the younger feel better again. And he was so close. 

—————

“Joshua-“ 

A muffled reply, so soft he almost missed it he heared, almost 3 in the morning and he just wanted to go back to sleep. He rolled over and faced the door to see the lithe frame, hallway light pooling around the silhouette of the person standing outside his doorway. 

“I-I’m sorry...I didn’t mean to wake you, l-I’ll just go back to sleep,” the hushed reply said, the sound of shuffling feet echoed in his ears before he was awake enough to comprehend what had actually happened, he sighed to himself. 

“ .” He cursed softly. “No Hansol, baby it’s okay, I’m awake come join me yeah?” He said, peeling of some of the blankets as he shifted his body over to make room. The lithe framed figure shuffle it’s way back into the room. he heard the door creaked open when he registered the small boy making his way into the room. 

Joshua barely registered the way that the bed dipped down when Hansol sat down. It barley dipped down at all, he wasn’t surprised, the boy was painfully light for his age. And he looked over, even in the dark of the room he could make out a tear and a tear track. 

“I’m sorry, I know it’s childish but I just feel safer when I’m with you you’re warm and you feel like home,” was another hushed reply by the latter as he shifted over to his boyfriends side and felt just that. Warm. He had no ideas how his boyfriend was so warm all the time but he was thankful. 

Joshua turned his body a little to make more room for the two of them —the bed he was surprised hadn’t broken— not that he thought he or Hansol for that matter was heavy but the bed, sometimes was small even for him, and he was surprised it didn’t cracking sound or break. 

He dozed off once soft sounds of breathing came from Hansol, his eyes closed. 

—————

Joshua was surprised that either of them had been able to sleep in so late at all, it was pushing 9 thirty in the morning, he knew that it would be fine to sleep in because it was a Saturday, but today he had something else in mind. No breakfast was made, and they had slept in enough so coffee wasn’t a must have. 

He waited for Vernon to shift uncomfortably under his gaze—a habit that Joshua had found endearing. Almost as cute as the constant sweater paws not that he would admit that. The younger blinked his eyes open. And gazed into the elders eyes. 

Joshua sent him a beaming smile, as he placed a hand on his head, soft locks underneath them was maybe his favorite part of his morning routine, he toyed with the ended of his hair and he kissed the younger boy on the cheek once he was done. 

“Hansol-ah, I’m going to try something today because I want you to see something the way that I do,” Joshua said. He gazed down, sleepy eyes looking back into his own. A slight nod was given and he felt the younger wriggle further into his arms searching for home, because Joshua always felt like home. 

Joshua managed to hoist the younger up onto his feet and helped him into something warmer. The boy was always cold, despite growing up where it was rarely warm. Joshua had grown used to this but he still found himself wanting to coo every-time that he would come home from practice and see the younger cuddled up in one of Mingyu oversized sweaters. 

The latter was dressed in acid dyed skinny jeans, a white shirt and a flannel that covered 3/4 of his arms. The outfit looked like it barely fit on his body, soft fabric of the shirt desperate to cling onto any part of the lithe frame it could fit over, the outfit looked way oversized. 

Joshua chuckled to himself lightly as he spun the younger in front of the mirror, holding him still between his arms; which were on either side of the brunettes waist. He could feel the hipbone jutting out when the younger shifted his weight from the left to the right leg. 

“I want you to look, look at you,” Joshua said, his head hover beside Hansol’s shoulder, “look and tell me what you see.” His voice was gentel, ushering for the younger to look. Hansol’s eyes watered when he did, he didn’t like looking in the mirror and if he could he avoided the mirror, he broke a ing mirror before. He really didn’t want to. 

He turned his head to look a way and find something else besides himself to see, eyes met hazel and brown mixed eyes that pushed his head more toward the direction of the mirror in front of him. Said band was still resting along the side of his jaw, moved and down his arm and he felt the elder smiled. 

“Nothing, I see empty,” he started. “I see me but not how you do. I see me but all my imperfection, everything I hate. I see someone who is unworthy. And I see someone who is fighting. And trying harder to push himself to be better than he ever could have been”

Okay, good at least he was thinking somewhat positive. 

“Well I see someone beautiful,” Joshua smile, “I think your perfect Hansol Vernon Chwe. I lover your smile, I lover your laugh. How you can’t keep your bangs out is your eyes. I love your voice, I love your height, and how we are literally an inch in different. I love everything that you hate about yourself. It hurts me because you think your unworthy? But you are so much perfect. You are fighting. And you think you are worthless? You are worth my live, my love and my everything.” 

He took a deep breath as he hand grabbed the younger’s wrist, turning the latter to face him. He saw a small smile, —wide eyes when he’s embarrassed that Joshua loves— a blush painted across his cheek. And hands clasped around Joshua. 

“I love you more than anything, I would risk my everything for you. And I don’t care if you don’t believe me but I will tell you everyday until you see something other than your imperfection that don’t exist. Okay?” Joshua said as he kissed the younger on the lips. 

“Joshua.” 

The elder looked at the boy once the kiss was broken. 

“I do believe you.” I’ll believe anything as long as I’m with you...

“I love you.” 

“I know,” Hansol said. 

And he really did believe him...

╔═════════============ ═════╗

                             END

╔═══════ ೋღ🌺ღೋ ═══════╗