Seungkwan love his best friend sometime more than he love himself The way that when he was sad he unconsciously would pout and his lips over with his tongue. He really and truly love his best friend. 

Sometime, when Joshua wasn’t home he could heat knocks on his door at three in the morning, the latter crying about something he could never really understand, because his friend would switch language from English to Korean and back again. 

Hansol would alway say that he love Seungkwan and Seungkwan would alway say it back. But there was something more, Seungkwan had seen the ups and downs of Hansol, when he would cry about not being good enough or something, how he would say that he was ugly and fat. 

Seungkwan had seen it all, but he didn’t cry over something out of a teenage dramas anymore, it seem deeper than that. Hansol was never overweight, not even close. And the way that he would talk about himself was so degrading that sometime Seumgkwan would want to cry himself. 

Seungkwan kept all the secret that Hansol would never tell Joshua. But Seungkwan also knew about something that Joshua didn’t until recently. He knew that his best friend was bulimic, since that day in pre-debut. At first it was a guess, there aren’t many time you hear someone throwing up in the bathroom. 

But it became more habitual as the years go on, but less obvious. Vernon wouldn’t eat usually for three days before a concert, and there was always a knock on his door around 3, when the younger couldn’t sleep. He could tell, dark circles under his eyes like bruises against pale skin. 

He could tell, Hansol would whisper to him about how much his stomach would always hurt if he didn’t purge out food before concerts. And it hurt him as much as it hurt Hansol. 

He couldn’t sleep sometime, he would stay awake. Accompanied by the sound of Hansol purging his stomach. He remembered one night he walked in because Hansol had been in there for over an hour or so. He sat on his knees rubbing circles into his friend back, and between vomit he could make out “It hurts so bad, I have to get it out,” and some butcher English mixed with Korean. 

He’d carry the younger back to the room that they shared during pre-debut. He could remember once going to hug him but two arms was to much space to actually hug him, there was a time it got so bad that he could circle one arm around his whole waist and still have some room. 

During trainee days he remembered when they were walking down the hall and the boy had fainted, he called a hospital and they had arrived a few moments later. He could still see how small the boy was then. Sometime it scared him. 

73 pounds he remembered, it sent shivers down his spine when he would think of it sometimes. He could see every bone when he was unconscious, when his friend was laying on the table like that, he looked dead. It was really hard to think of him as alive when he was literally skin and bones. 

He remembers how he was begged not to tell anyone, and how he was almost to scared to hold the boy because he thought he would break a bone. He thought he nearly did when he finally was able to hug him. 

That was when it was bad, but it was really bad now, Seungkwan thought it was just déjà vu but it was real. It was like a flash back when his friend had come back from the hospital a few days ago. But it was worse, now everyone knew and he felt like literal  . 

Seungkwan was brought out of his thought as the door to his room was knocked on lightly. He didn’t feel like answering but the tap on the door was so delicate he felt he had to, cracking open the door slightly he looked out. 

Hansol.

“C-can I come in?” Was the almost impossible to hear response. It was so unlike the younger, but it the side that Seungkwan had seen before, but it still sounded foreign, even to him. 

“Yeah go ahead,” he said. 

Hansol shuffles in, gently pushing the door closed behind him. Lightly walking and finding his way around some of the tossed clothes but all in all neat room. He sat on the bed, mattress barely dipping down at all. And Seungkwan winced a little at that. 

“Are you mad at me? You’ve been avoiding me,” Hansol voice shook as he spoke, timidly. He was playing with his hands, gripping the fabrics of his and the hem. Biting a portion of his lip, a habit that he would never break. 

“No, but at the same time yes,” was the only answer he could give. It was nearly impossible to lie to him when he was like this. So soft and delicate, like porcelain. Afraid he would break, and that feeling of dread still surrounding Seungkwan . 

“Why?” 

“Do you remember that time in trainee days. It was a while ago but it was when he told you that you would never debut? He lied to you when he called you fat. And then you believe him?” 

Hansol nodded, flickering his eyes and interlocking his fingers, shifting his body so that he was looking at his best friend. The stern look in his eyes was inevitable, his was in deep trouble. “Yes I do remember.” 

“You were so heartbroken, but you told me you were alright. You said you were fine, and then you passed out in the hallway. I thought you were dead and when you weren’t I made you promise me one thing. Do you remember what it was?” 

“T-to tell you...if it ever got that bad again. Or t-tell someone, because you were scared. You thought I died,” 

Seungkwan nodded. “I need you to tell someone when it gets this bad. Okay? I know you and your boyfriend got it going on but I’m really worried. What if it gets out of hand again? Or you really died. Hansol promise me okay,” 

“Yes.” 

Seungkwan hugged him, leaning into him, wrapped his hands around his shoulders and back. Hugging him close and his chin against his hair. 

“You know what, I love you Hansol?”

“I do to.” 

Seungkwan almost laughed. No he couldn’t, he could never not the way that he ever could. But he was okay with that. They eventually lay so that they could sleep. He held the younger as he slept. For the first  time in months Hansol was asleep. 

He quietly left his room to find Joshua in he kitchen. He walk up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. Turning him around. 

‘He asleep?’ Joshua mouthed. And Seungkwan nodded. 

“Look, I know that you want your boyfriend back and I want my best friend too. I want you to help him, he’s probably not told you everything but just support him. So love him like I couldn’t. Okay? Just between you and me,” 

And Joshua promised. 

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Yeh this chapter a crap but it was basically just Seungkwan point of view about his best friend. I’m sorry. The next chapter will be fluffy I think. 

I’’m sorry that this chapter was so short, I’m sorry...I’m really working on it I swear...I’m just a terrible righter. But I’m working on it. You can comment it make me want to do more chapter...construction criticism is welcome...