~

In the early hours of the next morning after a forced breakfast I had myself eyes closed, laying by the poolside of the hotel’s indoor facility. In the jumble of my thoughts there was Seung-Ho in all of his glorious ambiguity.

He was like a big question mark at times. Pretty much all the time really.

I sighed. If Seung-Ho didn’t hide parts of himself from the others, this would be less difficult for me. At the times that I was at a loss for words and had no idea of what to do, maybe then they could step in and fill in some of the gaps.

It was during that train of thought that one very important question came across my mind; why has he not told So-Hee about his parents yet? Were they not at that stage of their relationship yet? I crossed my legs and mulled over it some more. Perhaps he didn’t want So-Hee to see that side of him afraid he might look weak. If that was the case, then that would be pretty stupid.

My mother always said that pretending to be strong in the face of love was a poisonous decision. One that would eat you from the insides until it seeped out, rotted and destroyed whatever relationship you had.

Quite a horrible thought actually, but it spoke to me nevertheless.

I scrunched up my nose. I was thinking about this- him, more than I needed to.

From the corner of my eye I saw Myung-Soo walk in. He didn’t say anything, but simply jumped into the pool and started swimming.

After six laps – I counted –he approached the edge of the pool and flashed me a smile.

“Nice.” I noted with a nod.

“You’re not getting in?”

“Maybe later.” It was kind of pointless coming just laying here in my swimsuit, but I felt like I needed to be elsewhere besides the hotel room. My fingers glossed over my phone, and I changed my mind. Maybe the water will help clear my mind. “I will actually.” I quickly jumped in, letting my body get used to the temperature before allowing myself to move freely in the water.

He jumped out of the water and walked towards a bag that I hadn’t even noticed he brought in. He pulled out his polaroid camera, suggesting that we take a picture for memories and I agreed. The photo printed out, showing me holding a v sign and Myung-Soo sticking out his tongue. I had to admit, for the state we were both in this morning it came out pretty well.

“What’s been up with you since last night?” He asked getting back into the pool. It was about time he asked. He'd noticed my shift in mood last night but chose not to press with the occasional 'are you okay?'.

“I'm fine, but... Myung-Soo-yah, what do you do if someone you care about isn’t happy?”

“Why? Are you not happy?”

I shook my head and told him I was just speaking generally.

“Try and cheer them up?”

I sighed, it wasn’t that simple and even Myung-Soo knew that by the way he puffed his cheeks. “Any other options?”

“If that person lets you just be there for them. Like me, I usually go to you guys for help.” So he did, but Myung-Soo wasn’t the type to broadcast his problems either. He had worries and insecurities just like everyone else, but there were probably only a handful of times that he spoke to the whole group about any of them. When it was just the two of us, we were able to share our thoughts and have a fruitful conversation, but I don’t remember helping him reach a solution.

Just like the other day with Ji-Soo, I couldn’t even do anything substantial to help him with his worries about the piano. Thinking about how all I have been doing is comforting my friends uselessly, I started to feel even more rubbish. Was I really that much of a bad friend.

“Hey, you can’t help everything.” Myung-Soo tugged at my foot, noticing that I was deep in thought. “Not everything has a specific answer. Sometimes just being there can be enough.”

He cleared his throat his eyes losing mine for a second before landing back to me. “For me, just having you there is enough.”

I smiled and nudged him to which his cheeks turned crimson at.

“You blush a lot lately.” I noted, resting my forearms on the pool edge. Is just being there really enough?

“But you know, you can’t fix people or their situations. Wanting to help other people can become addictive and as nice as it is, it can also be unhealthy.” He added.

Was I trying to fix Seung-Ho’s issues? I didn’t see it as doing so and I couldn’t even if I wanted to but now that Myung-Soo said it I couldn’t help but take my time to think over his words.

With Seung-Ho, whether he’s voiced it or not, I noticed that the change in his family life was one too big for him to grow accustomed to as a child.

My mind can only drift back to the day I saw the small boy crying.

It was the start of my entry into Seung-Ho’s secret.

Flashback: Summer of 82’ BK Elementary School, 5th Grade.

We had just come out of physical education, which was our last class of the day. We would all usually leave as soon as the bell rang without getting changed, because it was our homes we were going to after all. The boys and the girls were separated so there were times the whole club didn’t get to say goodbye to each other as they had to rush into the cars of their awaiting parents.

I didn’t see Seung-Ho leave the gates, but I caught sight of Myung-Soo who was the first to leave with his fathers driver, So-Hee and Bo-Ra had also jumped into their parents cars. I was offered a lift by the two of them, but I refused because realistically it wasn’t on either of their ways.

 As far as my house was, I genuinely enjoyed the long walks home. It was always nice to see the gradual change in scenery as I trekked from the quickly transforming urban city to the more natural and green landscapes.

I would usually reflect on my day as I walked the one-way path, glancing at the running river by the side. The sandy gravel beneath my feet was dry and my shoes kicked a few pebbles on my way.

The homework we got today was due tomorrow and I wanted to rush home at the thought so that I would have enough time, and so I did that. I found myself running in the scorching heat. As I ran I kept on trying to work out some of the maths problems we went through that day in order to not get tired too quickly.

I could feel the sweat working its way down my back and soaking my t-shirt. Now I had to calculate time for the shower I needed to have. I was wrapped up in adding and subtracting that I forgot to look out for the rock that was stuck in the ground and I tripped over it, hurling towards the floor, my already open bag finding itself on the side.

I gasped in pain and annoyance. The rock had been lodged in the ground for as long as I can remember, and I usually did well to avoid it, but not this time. I blew on the red scratch on my knees and my elbows, hissing in pain. I gathered my bag and the belongings that had spilt out of it, pausing when I stumbled on an extra notebook.

“Oh no. Why do I have Seung-Ho’s book in here?” I mumbled, the stinging pain from my knees losing its priority in my mind. We sat together for Maths and so I must have taken his book by accident when we packed up.

“Ah, why didn’t he take it first… but he needs it to hand in his homework…” If he didn’t have this, he would get demerit points and all he needed was another point to earn himself a detention cleaning the classroom after school.

I sorted myself out, taking hold of his book in my hand as I zipped my bag up and turned around towards back towards the school in the direction of his house.

When I got to his place, I moved to the side gate where I remember him going to the last time Myung-Soo's driver was kind enough to take us home on a rainy day.

“This is why the kid is going to fail when he grows up, because of you!”

My hand that was encased around the metal handle tightened at the sound of Aunty Yoo’s voice. This was the first time I had ever heard her raise her voice. I didn’t spend time around them, but the last time I saw her was at student review day. She smiled her way through it all and I remember thinking a face like hers wouldn’t ever hold a scowl on it.

“Oh really? What a surprise when is it never my damn fault?!” Mr Yoo had his voice equally raised. He always struck me as the quiet type, like Seung-Ho.

“Of course it’s always your damn fault.”  

“I can’t deal with this. You do this every time I bring up the Hospital. What’s so wrong about taking care of my patients and wanting to provide for this family?”

“Everything! Not when you don’t spend time with your family. What value does all the money we have earn, huh?”

“Like your guiltless. You work just as much as I do, if anything you should be at home looking after the kid. You’ve failed just as much as I have.”

There was silence for a while and then I heard it. The sound of something smashing, it was a thrashing sound making me think it was a heavy object. I jumped but dared not to make a sound.

“You’re getting crazier.” Mr Yoo etched, his voice lowering.

“Isn’t that what you fell for? What, now that we’re married you don’t like it?” Mrs Yoo continued to scream. “Where do you think you’re going! Oh what a surprise, you’re going to go and smoke. How many times have I told you not to smoke in the house?”

“A billion times probably.”

“You know what? Go smoke yourself to death then. See if I care.”

“You’ll probably kill me before this thing does Min-ah.” Mr Yoo finished, sounding weaker.

Just when I came to my senses to decide to do the homework for Seung-Ho instead and give it to him tomorrow I fell backwards. The force of the door I was holding, pushed me back as it opened, and a tear stricken Seung-Ho appeared.

He stared at me eyes wide, hair dishevelled and like me he was still in his gym clothes. I looked up at him in complete shock and for a minute none of us said a word. He