~

Have you ever wanted something so much, but no matter how hard you tried to grasp at it, you could never get it? That’s what Yoo Seung-Ho was like to me. I wanted him so much, I silently longed for him even when I thought he was the lover of my best friend. Even when I thought he was someone I shouldn’t have loved, I still yearned for him.

They say that there's no love like the first and I always wondered if that was true. 

I always wondered whether I really ever knew what love really was. Especially when it came to Seung-Ho. My past was filled with boys who I liked one second and despised the next, so the very fact that my feelings could change so quickly had me believe that I didn’t have the right to love someone else. Especially not a friend like Seung-Ho. With such a fickle heart, how could I?

But Yoo Seung-Ho was different. The more time I spent in love with him, the more I came to know what love was like. Everything about him, from the way he walked to the way he stayed silent in the loudest moments captivated me. He did the right things without even knowing that he was doing them. When my heart started to beat faster with his presence, I didn’t want to make too much of it, because well, who knew when my fickle heart would move again. When it reached a whole year and nothing about the way I felt about him had changed, I knew that my heart wasn’t planning on going anywhere else for a long time.

So with such knowledge why is it that I was stood outside the university infirmary, walking away from the man that I love? Away from the man who asked me to stay by his side in the loneliest way possible?

I left him on that bed without a word and like a coward I walked away from the very person I wanted to embrace every day. It wasn't because he was joining the army, I could wait for him if that was the case. I'd waited for him this long, two years would be nothing.

Maybe it was because I knew his feelings for me weren't stable. Or Perhaps it's because no matter how much you may want something or someone, it might just not be right for you to have it. After all, they say that everything and everyone has a match. 

Or it could simply be another excuse for my fear.

Very likely.

As I walked through campus, each step I took was strained. My hands were gripping the straps of my bag in attempt to get myself together hoping not to break down in front of a sea of strangers. I was on my way to meet Myung-Soo at his dorm, he had texted to let me know that he changed the location. I couldn’t blame him, I had kept him waiting for so long.

In my rush to get to his side of the campus, the heels of my boots twisted and my knees buckled sending me to the cold ground and my bag spilling to the floor.

I held back a grunt. “If you were going to walk away why didn’t you do it coolly instead of flapping about like a penguin! You don’t deserve to be whining like an idiot.” I chastised myself.

Both my ankle and my knee were hurting from the impact, but I didn’t want to register the pain. I didn’t deserve to, not after leaving him alone, he was hurting more than I ever was.

The floor was getting colder by the second, but I didn’t have the energy to get up so I simply sat there and stared at the contents of my bag on the floor. The care I had for standing out in front of strangers was long gone.

“Don’t say that, we’re going to be friends forever, okay?” I heard the voice of a boy to my right. I turned and noticed he was talking to a girl who looked like she had been crying.

“Promise?” The little girl asked in return, sniffling from the cold.

The boy gave her a wide smile that showed off his crooked tooth and wrapped his scarf around her neck. “Of course I promise! Trust this Oppa! We’ll be friends forever.”

Something about the scene seemed so familiar to me, and I clenched my fists at the memory. Although I didn’t deserve to reminisce about it, I let my mind take me back to that hot summer day Seung-Ho and I were under the slide.

He was always there for me whenever I was hurting. Like my own Superman, Seung-Ho had always taken care of me. 

Flashback - Summer of 82’ BK Elementary School, 5th Grade

Underneath the blazing heat, we continued to stay in silence. Seung-Ho’s legs were unfolded from their curled-up position and stretched out onto the gravel beneath us. I took it as a cue as him being more comfortable after talking about his parents so I followed suit and copied his movements, forgetting that I had hurt myself moments before I winced at the pain.

“Yah… What happened?” Seung-Ho asked, pointing at the flesh wound on my knee.

“I fell…” I gave him a slight chuckle but stopped when he didn’t respond making me feel stupid for tripping over a rock. Then again, Seung-Ho never liked it when I got hurt.

With a sigh he stood up and said, “Wait here.” Before I could ask him where he was going, he was halfway across the park huffing and puffing.

There was no one else around the park, but because Seung-Ho said to wait, I waited. I counted the seconds it would take for him to return and by the time he got back to me I was at 403 seconds. As he got closer, I saw that he was covered in sweat, with a deep frown on his forehead.

“Where did you go?” I asked but received no response. He simply sat in front of me with his legs crossed, taking my leg and placing it across his lap. I watched as he pulled out a white tube from his pocket and applied it to the cut on my knee. I held back a wince, but the way my leg twitched at the touch gave my pain away.

“Why can’t you walk around without getting hurt? It’s the third time this week.” He said softly, still applying the balm, but with a gentler touch.

I let out an awkward laugh, “You know me… But I didn’t mean to, there was a rock in my way – I swear!” I tried to defend myself, but that didn’t get me anything but a knowing look from Seung-Ho.

“I don’t want you to keep getting hurt.” He returned after a while.

“I know, but hey if I didn’t fall I wouldn’t have been able to give you your book…” As I received a cold look at my attempt to explain, I conceded. “I get it, I’ll try not to get hurt anymore.”

"You say that every time, yet I'm always finding you with a new wound." He noted.

That was true. My clumsiness deserved an award. 

"I'm serious this time, I'll be extra careful."

Closing the lid to the tube, he looked up at me and wiped the sweat from my forehead, before attending to my wound once more. He blew softly on the area of the cut and kept his eyes trained on it. I didn’t know what was so fascinating about the blood on my knees and wanted to ask why but I couldn’t bring myself to. His silence had meaning to it and even though I didn’t know what it was, I didn’t want to disturb it.

“I really don’t want you to keep getting hurt anymore, So-Hyun-ah.”

There were a lot of times I didn't know what to say in response to Seung-Ho and this was one of them. Looking back on it, there was something deeper behind his words and my heart knew it too judging by the way it reacted to him. But back then, it wasn’t something that my 10-year-old self could fully comprehend. All I knew was that I liked having Seung-Ho around, to the extent that I would trip over a rock a gazillion times if it meant that he would come and rescue me just like that.

I broke the silence with a slight chuckle, “What does it matter if I get hurt, I have you to take care of me!” I said confidently, but a nervous smile appeared on my face when Seung-Ho stayed quiet.

“I won’t always be around to help you, So-Hyun-ah.”

“Why? Where are you going?”

“We’re not going to stay kids forever… We’re going to grow up and have our own lives eventually.”

“Yah!” I laughed, “We have our own lives now. When we’re older it’ll be the same, that won’t change! I’ll make sure of it.”

“Don’t be so naïve. That kind of stuff doesn’t just happen because you say it will… The world doesn’t work like that.” He said, but this time he smiled. It was another sad smile though. A smile that I wouldn’t be able to imitate if I tried.

“Yoo Seung-Ho! You, me and the gang – we’re all going to be with each other forever okay? Don’t think of running away either, I’ll make sure to find you. You’re my best friend – I’m yours too right?” I waited for his response and he gave me the silent nod I was expecting. “Exactly, so don’t think of going anywhere. You know! I’m like super, super, super glue right? Hard to separate from.”

Instead of saying anything else, he reached into his pocket and covered my wound with a plaster. I gave him a wide smile when I saw that he used my favourite duck plaster. As I awed over the yellow and orange design, Seung-Ho’s hand came into view when he covered my knee with his palms.

“Just… promise me you won’t get hurt.” He said quietly and when I lifted my head to look at him, he was already staring at me. The way he looked at me never changed, his eyes were always filled with something more, something that I could never explain.

I bit my lip and nodded promisingly, “I’ll try not to be so carless and hurt myself, but you… “Promise me you’ll try not to hurt here so much.” I lifted my hand and placed it against his chest. “Did you know that? Whenever you hurt, I hurt too… Strange right?”

As I stayed focused on the hand that was placed where Seung-Ho’s heart was, his own was placed where my wound was and I realised that we were both the same yet different at the same time. Where my wound could be seen, Seung-Ho’s was hidden, deep inside under a layer of skin.

I remember wishing that Seung-Ho wouldn’t hurt anymore, that I could be there for him whenever he was in pain just like he always was for me. Back then I made that wish with such confidence with the belief that I would be able to do that for him and yet...

Yet here I was. Walking away from the man I wanted to protect so much.

“Agassi, are you okay?” A middle-aged man approached me. He helped me to my feet and I thanked him with a smile. As soon as he turned away my lips fell to a frown and I made my way to Myung-Soo’s place.

I’d kept him waiting long enough.

~

When I got to his place, Myung-Soo had left the door open for me. “Soo-yah.”

Myung-Soo peeked his head towards the door and slid from the desk towards me with a smile on his face. At the presence of his smile, I had forgotten to gather my thoughts before stepping inside. I never felt the need to pretend in front of him, but becuase I came here for him, I didn't want him to worry over me. I couldn't have have him always being the caring one in this friendship.

“Hey, I’m sorry I’m late. I got caught up.”

“What’s wrong?” He asked, which was expected. I glanced at the mirror behind him and boy was I a sight to see. My eyes were red, my face was pale and I looked overall weak, it would be strange if he didn’t think there was anything wrong.  

“I look terrible right? Sorry, I’m just tired. Can I sit?”

“Of course, when have I never allowed you to sit.” He said slowly, his eyes trained on me and I knew he didn’t believe me but I also knew he wouldn’t press too much. That was what Myung-Soo did, he didn’t want to step over boundaries I set with my feelings. There were times I felt sorry to him because of it, I knew he only asks because he cares.

I threw myself on his bed with a loud thud, purposely in hopes that the impact would rid the thoughts in my head.

It didn’t.

I closed my eyes silently, and asked Myung-Soo how he was.

“I’m okay… I don’t think you are but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I brought you dessert from the bakery in town. I know how much you love their cheesecake.”

I smiled from my position on the bed, aimlessly reaching for his hand. When I found it, I patted it and gave him a soft thank you. 

“Here.” He cooed, and I opened my eyes to see him giving me a spoonful of the cheesecake. Although I didn’t have an appetite, I quickly got up and took the bite before laying back down. I had to admit, it was good, if I wasn’t feeling nauseous I would have eaten it whole.

After some moments of mulling, I quickly got back up from the bed remembering why I was meant to meet Myung-Soo in the first place. “I’m sorry. You said you had something to tell me right? What is it?” I tapped the space on the bed ne