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“Are you going to speak anytime soon?” I had nothing especially interesting to say so I let him do all the talking he wanted to do. But that was just it, he hadn’t said anything for the past ten minutes and I was shivering from the cold.

“You and Myung-Soo.”

“What about me and Myung-Soo?” I returned quickly wanting to quicken this up. He looked like he was struggling for what to say, but I didn’t want to exercise the amount of patience that I did with Myung-Soo just now. Not after he took us on a tour of the campus. He let out a sigh and closed his eyes as if he was calming himself down.

“Nothing. Listen, about that night… I’m sorry if I had known you were drunk I – I wouldn’t have gone through with it. I don’t know what came over me, I just came off the phone with my dad and my emotions were everywhere when you came in you were there for me and I just took my chance.”

Took your chance? I stood up taller and sized Seung-Ho. I accept as much blame that would be given to me after that night, because after all I shouldn’t have let him know my feelings. Not whilst he was still with So-Hee and no matter how hard it was to restrain myself, I should have held on. But right now he was speaking about that night as if I was nothing more than just a release vault for his emotions and it hurt.

A lot.

“What do you take me for? Because I had feelings for you, you think it was okay to use me to get rid of your crappy emotions and make a mess of mine?” I flinched a little at the words I used, because I didn’t mean them. I knew he was emotionally broken and just because my heart was bruised I shouldn’t have attacked him like that, but I couldn’t help it. I was hurting.

“Ani, So-Hyun-ah, that’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean?”

“I mean that you were there for me and… I don’t know.”

 “Get lost.” I returned bluntly. “Seeing you was already hard enough for me the past few years and I tried really hard because we were friends but after last week I don’t think I can do it anymore.” I wanted to pretend like no matter what he said to me that I would accept it and we would be fine like it was something we could all maybe put behind us, but I couldn’t. And the truth of the matter was that it wasn’t something I could glide over. As painful as my honesty would be, I couldn’t play this hiding game anymore.

He tensed and untensed his jaw for a few seconds before moving closer to me, his hands flat against the wall above me, trapping me. He suddenly looked angry. Why? He doesn’t have the right to be angry with me.

But then again I didn't have the right to be either.

“You’re doing it again.”

“What?”

“You keep taking the things I say and turning them into something else.”

“I’m not doing anything but repeating what you said, what does it sound different coming from my own mouth or something?”

He let out a frustrated sigh and ran a rough hand through his hair. “Okay fine. What’s going on with you and Soo?”

I rolled my eyes, giving him a pointed look. “You mean my best friend?” I noticed that he bit his lips and I narrowed mine starting to get the meaning behind his words. “Wah, what do you really take me for? Was me risking everything and confessing to you that night not enough?” I let out a sigh, running a hand through my hair and looking at anything but his face.

He shifted his body closer to me and the warmth his presence brought sent me shivering more so than the night draft had. “So you do remember?”

I was caught out.

Of course I remembered, I hadn’t been able to forget that night with the memory replaying in my mind every single day. The feel of his skin, the way his tongue caressed mine and the sound of his voice calling my name. I wasn’t pretending to forget, I was just really trying to forget that night. For both of our sakes I couldn’t tell him the truth. I couldn’t tell him that I wasn’t drunk, and that I recalled every single detail.

I couldn’t tell him that I remembered the way he held onto me that night, pulling me closer and closer to his chest as if I would disappear if he didn’t.

We stood in silence for a while with nothing but his sobs filling the room, and it took me some time to get past my shock before I began to pat his back.

As I tried to pulled way, his breathing accelerated and his body began to shake, I had to direct him to the top of his bed and tell him to breathe as I did so. He didn’t take his time in following my orders as our breaths started to match.

I was in complete shock again, I’d never seen him in such a state and I was curious as to what got him to this point. Moments later, he tugged at my arms, pushing them to the side and curling onto the bed to place his head across my lap.

I froze again not knowing what to do, but I opted for his hair. It usually helped me with calming down.

Out of nowhere, his raspy voice hit my ears and he started to tell my why he had broken down like that. He had just gotten off the phone with his father and he was distraught about their conversation. It had happened that his mother had kicked Mr Yoo out of the house that he himself bought after selling it. He explained that his father was staying at the Hospital for the meantime, but even that wasn’t going well as he was drinking and making critical mistakes at work.

I could see that Seung-Ho was lost, but the more his father complained, the more stress was put on him and he wasn’t taking it very well. He almost hyperventilated if it wasn’t for me helping him to calm down before.

“My mother packed up and moved to Australia with that married guy. She didn’t even say goodbye. She didn’t even introduce him to me, I don’t even know who he is, I’ve never even seen him. He could be some control freak for all I know.”

All I could bring myself to say was, “I’m sorry.”

“I guess it’s better than having to see her come home to raid the alcohol cabinet every night after work.” He breathed, “I’m just so sick and tired of living like this. I act like my life depends on my parent’s happiness when it doesn’t. Each time I try to break free from it all, I can’t do it. I’m… I-”

“You’re scared.” I added softly and watched as he shut his eyes at the word.

“I-I’m scared. I’m a twenty-three years old scared male with mommy and daddy issues. How pathetic.”

“It’s okay to say it Seung-Ho-yah, whether your five or fifty it’s okay not to be okay. You pretend like everything is fine in front of the others only to break down and suffer in silence. It’s okay to say that you’re scared. I know that the real reason you’re worried is because you think that if you even try to break free a little from your insecurities and doubts that something in your life will change.”

“Yeah, because I hate change.”

“I know you do, I know that but… Sometimes change can be for the better.”

“I hate it. I don’t want things to change.”

“SeungHo-”

“No.” He shook his head a little and a tear formed in his eye, but I caught it before it fell. “Change makes things worse. People change, and it makes things worse.” He repeated, and I had to turn his face towards me.

“Have I changed?” I asked, and his glossy eyes looked up at me as if I was a foreign creature. “This whole time that we’ve have I changed?”

“Yeah. You did for a while actually.” I bit my lips, because he was right. I did change, but that was for what I thought was the sake of our friendship. “And I didn’t like it.”

“…Right, but I’m still here aren’t I? Did I leave you? Did it make things worse?”

He shook his head. “It didn’t make things worse… Just harder.”

“But look you’re still alive, so am I. You’re still breathing and so am I. You can get through this, you don’t have to let your circumstances dictate how you live your life and determine your future. I’ll try not to change anymore, and neither will the gang. We’re here for you, okay?”

“What if it’s not other people anymore?”

“Huh?”

“…What if I’m the one that ends up changing? What if I turn out just like my parents.”

“You won’t.”

“You don’t know that.”

“You won’t. You have a choice and you can choose how you respond to the changes in your life.” I wanted to help, but I didn’t want to baby him either, he had so much control over his life and he didn’t even know it.

It was silent for some time before he spoke again.

“Mianhae. I keep doing this, it’s like whenever I get like this you’re always there for me. Even when I think that I don’t need you and I don’t want to burden you, you always show up somehow.” He chuckled a little, “You always show up.”

I didn’t know how to react to that, but I managed to bring myself to say that it was okay. “That’s what friends are there for right? To support each other.”

He didn’t respond anymore, but he twisted himself up so that he was seated upright beside me again.

In the uncertain ambience of that night, I remember staying on his bed as he stood up and walked over to his desk to turn on the radio, tuning into Seoul FM Midnight.

“You don’t mind, do you?” He asked, and I silently shrugged taking his behaviour as a mechanism to escape from the conversation.

I remembered him asking me why I had even knocked on his door in the first place and I couldn’t give him an answer, because in that moment of comforting him I had forgotten my aim of visiting.

We laid on his bed in silence as ‘Always the Last to Know’ by Del Almitri played with rough static and flooded our ears. We reminisced on the song that came out back in 1992 when we were fresh high-school students and I helped translate the lyrics into Korean for him.

I don’t know what drove me to do it, maybe it was the nostalgia. Or maybe it was the song that explained my exact sentiments. Heck it could have just been the way he was staring at me with his chocolate speckled eyes, but I let it slip that I didn’t want him to be the last to know about my feelings for him. The second the words left my mouth I was filled with instant regret and I was plagued with the knowledge that I couldn’t even take it back.

“I’m sorry, pretend you didn’t hear that. I’m stupid and this song is really… err, it’s-”

I remembered that stupid confession that I made and his even more confusing response.

“What if I don’t want to?”

I ignored his question and sat up from my lying position. “You know what, I should really go. It’s late…I-”

“What if I don’t want to pretend like I didn’t hear it and… What if I don’t want you to leave?”

He shifted his head slightly so that he was facing me, but so it also remained on his own pillow. His fingers slid across his sheets to meet my own and I gulped, because I couldn’t give him an answer. With the way my heart was a palpitating mess I wouldn’t have been able to have given him a comprehendible one.

I remembered the great feeling of urgency that was telling me to drag myself away from his bed and out through the door he pulled me in from. I remembered not being able to move, as if I was held down by his gaze alone. But most importantly and most shockingly of all, I remember him lacing his hand around the nape of my neck and pulling me towards him ever so slightly, kissing me first.

His lips innocently brushed mine and I could feel him trembling, but even then there was something fiery about the connection. It was enough to drive my senses wild, causing me to do nothing about it at first.

His kiss was like a meteorite at full speed, crashing and turning all of my reasoning and sensibilities into dust.

I was being careless, and I kissed him back, the rate of my heartbeat increasing with each second. My hands, all on their own accord, roamed across his already shirtless back freely.

The vivid memory of his lips against my lips as he whispered, “It’s only fair” before lifting the hem of my top to pull it over my head.

In the heat of it all, I also remember us stoppin