Autumn 1998

I shuffled around under my duvet, the soft comfort it brought me was an invite to sleep past my alarm for another twenty minutes, but I knew if I did that I would be late so I couldn’t let it defeat me, not after struggling with it for the past few months.

I quickly jumped out of bed, knowing that if I didn’t somehow force myself I wouldn’t be leaving anytime soon. Finding my balance and stretching my muscles, I staggered to the floor length window and pulled the curtains to allow some light in.

I sighed in contentment as my eyes scanned the view, even though I had already been in LA for a few months the view of the city is yet to fail me. From where I lived on the seventh floor, I was close on enough to see what was happening in the streets, but also high enough to get a semi-skyline view of the rest of the city. Waking up knowing that I would soon be a part of the thousands of others walking those streets gave me a strength to start each day.

I looked at my clock once more and ran to the bathroom to get ready. I had graced LA with my presence for approximately six months and seven days – Not that I was counting though.

I gave my all in the remaining weeks leading up to exams, pleading within myself that my efforts would be enough to graduate and by some sort of power I made it. I was relieved and proud of myself for having gotten my degree and now I’m working at my Uncle’s firm as I had planned.

Just before I left, it felt like by moving all the way here that I was running away from whatever there was back in Korea, but I soon came to terms with the feeling, because I knew that it wasn’t true. This was always my plan, life and other things just happened to make me want to go far away.

The city was different to back home, but it was also similar in some ways. I fell in love with the diversity, the food – although I do miss my authentic noodles from halmeoni, just being able to communicate with her by mail filled me up – and even my neighbours. Well, more of my neighbours puppy but all the same.

Scrambling out the shower, I quickly got dressed into a pink blouse, layered with a black blazer and black work skirt and grabbed an apple from the kitchen counter before running out of my apartment. I had four minutes left to make it for the bus, even though I (kind of) woke up on time. This happened too often that I made sure to wear my trainers first to make the running easier and pack my heels in my bag.

As soon as I stepped outside, the warmth of the autumn air hit my skin almost immediately sticking to me. This was another thing that was different to Korea, autumn back home wouldn’t be this warm although I wished it would be. I ran through the streets decorated with leaves clutching my handbag tightly to my side with sweat soon building up. The work day hadn’t even started yet and I was already exhausting myself, per usual.

When I saw the station in site with my bus already there I sprinted, but all in vain as the doors were drawing to a close and the dark, ashy smoke soon appeared from underneath the bus as it drove further and further away from me.

I paused to catch my breath and strolled the remainder of the distance at my leisure, eating my apple to satisfy my hunger.  

“You made it.”

As soon as the familiar voice struck my ears, I was reminded of another thing that differentiated LA from South Korea; back home was missing a very special person.

Myung-Soo.

I turned around at the sound of his voice and I was greeted with the smile that sent all the students, male and female, at UCLA wild. This smile was reserved for his close friends though, it wasn’t his polite smile, it was his ‘I care about the person I’m talking to’ smile and I preferred it. He was clad in a button-down white shirt paired with navy chino trousers and a duffle coat to match.

“Hey.” I said softly, my morning voice still in operation. “I kind of made it. Guess we’ll just have to get the next one.”

“Sure. Here, let me take your bag.” He held out his hand, and I obliged.

Myung-Soo and I lived opposite each other with his apartment complex being a five-minute walk from mine, this was the stop closest to the both of us so it was our central point. When it was summer we both rode our bikes, but since this season can be unpredictable I opted for the bus and Myung-Soo chose to join me.

Since we were both new to the city, we travelled together very often in the beginning and it became a sort of routine. Like now, he didn’t need to wait for me, in fact his classes were always scheduled for the afternoon or evenings, but he still wanted to ride the bus with me when he could.

You’re probably wondering how we seem okay after everything that went down right? Well, things were a little (very) awkward with us at first, especially after I ran out on him that night. I chose to tell him that my not so secret crush was indeed his best friend, it wouldn’t have been fair to not tell him about it and let’s just say that particular confession helped to make things more awkward between us.

We managed to talk about our feelings, mostly his since he had more to confess but his resolve hadn’t shaken and he stuck by his confession. Like he had promised he didn’t do anything to pressure me, in fact, there were a lot of times I could tell he was being a little bit too careful. For example usually during exam period we would study together, but that time I didn’t hear from him for two weeks. When I asked him why, he said it was because he didn’t know if I would be comfortable with it.

He of course found out that having him avoid me was what made me more uncomfortable. I also couldn’t help but think that he was the one that was uncomfortable with it all, but I had no other choice but to believe him.

I expected this to happen of course and the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt him and I felt terrible about it all, since it was my inability to return his feeling in combination with my desire to keep him as a friend that created that atmosphere. I didn’t want to lose Myung-Soo as a friend, he was literally the only one I had left and at the same time I didn’t want to keep hurting him. No matter what he said or how hard he had tried to smile in front of me back then, I knew he would be hurting.

I knew, because I was like that too.

We did a lot of back and forth, I told him to throw me away and forget about me, he would refuse and my guilt would increase. He was convicted in more ways than one so as soon as we got our degrees we both got on that night flight to the States where I kick-started my career as an accountant and he attended Law School at UCLA.

Somehow we got back to the way we were but instead of being blinded by my ignorance, I took special notice of the things Myung-Soo did to care for me. I’d always appreciated them, but after everything I started to see his actions in a new light. It naturally couldn’t be helped, although we’d been friends for a long time and have always loved each other as friends, Myung-Soo’s heart yearned for something more and I… Well, I yearned for myself and my future – as selfish as that may sound.

That was why as soon as we settled down, I had Youngjae Oppa find me an art studio which had evening classes where I could spend time improving my skills and just being at one with my own art. Youngjae Oppa’s friend ran it and it wasn’t anything extravagant, but it brought me a comforting peace that I had been missing for a long while.

Myung-Soo and I got onto the bus and we fell into a causal conversation about our night, our plans for the day and what we’ll eat for dinner.

“How are you coping with school and all the reading? It’s hard right?” I enquired as we drove past the second McDonalds in two stops.

“Very hard.” He said with all seriousness and then chuckled. I had to laugh along with him.

“I do not miss that aspect of the University life at all.”

“You sure? The large stacks of reading I have to do is just so thrilling, I think you’d have a blast. Want to give it a try?” He asked, clearly teasing me.

“Very funny.” I countered, nudging him a little. “Maybe you should try working with numbers at my Uncle’s firm? I’m sure you’d have a blast.” I retuned, mimicking his tone.

“I concede.” He smiled, holding his hands up in surrender. “In all seriousness, it’s okay. I mean yeah it’s hard, but also enjoyable, I guess I’ve just got to get through it right? Not long left and before you know it I’m practicing Law… Hopefully.”

I nodded in understanding and gave him a smile of encouragement. “Kim Myung-Soo, fighting!”  

“Ah!” Myung-Soo, put his hand against his chest as if to say he was in pain. I peered up at him in concern only to be met with a wide grin. “You’ve given me so much strength, I’m recharging. Thanks.”

“Yah…” I had to turn away from him and towards the window, a) out of embarrassment of hearing such a cheesy line and b) said cheesy line actually managed to make me laugh.

“What? Did I say something wrong?” I heard him say with a laugh that accentuated his feigning of innocence. “Come on, we need to get off.” He tugged at my hand slightly and swiftly led us out.

“So, I’ll see you later?” He asked taking a few steps away from me. “Dinner after work?”

I nodded gently in agreement to our plans and gave him a soft wave as I ushered him to turn around and face where he was going. Like that, he went in the opposite direction and I to the office.

Working at my Uncle’s place was great, particularly since I had chosen to start from the very bottom. People say you don’t learn much in such positions, but it was quite the contrary for me, I became so much more organised and orderly. I learnt the ropes quicker than I or the other employees had expected, but that was due to the times I interned here. Another bonus was that there was a shift in employees, so I didn’t have to see the rude people I had once worked with before.

I thought that by working with my Uncle that I would be running into him often, but that wasn’t the case. I’d only seen him twice since I’ve been in LA and the first was because he came to pick us up from the airport. I’d seen Youngjae Oppa more than I’ve seen the rest of my family and he travels almost every week. With the physical distance between me and my father only growing wider, the chances of us even seeing each other grew smaller. N