~

“I’m sorry.” 

“Stop apologising.”

It had been a while since Seung-Ho started to apologise. I had no grasp of what time was so I didn't know how long he'd been doing that, but all I knew was that since the moment he started crying he hadn’t stopped. I didn’t even understand why he was apologising in this moment and to me of all people, yet here he was. 

"So-" He opened his mouth to pour out another apology, but I gave him a look that caught his tongue. 

He didn’t deserve any of this and I hated that he felt like he did.

For some time Seung-Ho didn’t say anything again, he simply continued to hold onto my hand with seemingly no plan of letting go.

That was okay though, because I had no plan to let go either. As long as he needed to hold on, I would be there with a hand. 

“How are you feeling?” A question with an obvious answer for him, but I still felt the need to ask. Instead of voicing his thoughts, his eyes fluttered open and drifted towards our intertwined fingers as he began to slowly caress the back of my hand.

At his touch I was reminded of the fact that I now knew how Seung-Ho felt about me or... had been feeling about me and an indescribable feeling settled within me as my mind thought about Soo. This wasn’t a feelling even close to guilt or anything like it, but it felt like a warning. It wasn't as if I could ignore the feelings that Seung-Ho had been harbouring for me all this while. 

I silently took in his form, starting from the bottom of the bed where his feet were covered with the white duvet and stopping when I reached his eyes which were evidently sore and puffy.  

His eyes exposed more of himself than he had ever let anyone see in his past twenty-four years of life. His barriers had come down and the tiny twinkle in his orbs he used to hold died down as if he had nothing left to lose.

I sighed internally, realising that my previous thoughts were digressing from the matter at hand.

Seung-Ho needed me right now as a friend and for the time that I had distanced myself when he really needed me, I wanted to make up for it.

Even though I doubted I could even do so.

“Seung-Ho…” I called softly, hoping to get a response from him.

“I feel lost.” He whispered continuing to my hand with his thumb. “I don’t know where I belong anymore.”

“You belong here." I immediately responded, "You were born to be here right now Seung-Ho. Even… even in this hospital bed.”

He remained still despite my words. 

“I had dreams So-Hyun.” He said coarsely. 

I pursed my lips, unsure of how to respond. I couldn’t imagine the thoughts going through his head.

He bit his bottom lip as it began to quiver. “Acting is – was my passion. Being on that stage was the only place where I felt like I could escape from myself. Be someone else even if it was just for a second. I got to breathe from the thoughts that had choked me day and night.

“Knowing that once I was discharged I had a dream I could chase kept me going for a short while, but now look at me. What do I have left to chase?” He tightened the hold he had on my hand so I could tell just how painful it was for him to talk about it.

I suddenly felt bad for asking him how he felt.

He continued to pour out his pain and yet all I could do was listen.

“I wanted to be an actor, I was supposed to be on the big screens and now that’s all gone. It’s all disappearing right before my very eyes – literally.” He scoffed.

I desired to cheer him on, to tell him that he could still accomplish his dreams and that there was nothing wrong with pursuing them but I didn’t.

More like I couldn’t.

In such a moment I just knew that those words wouldn’t do anything to piece together a broken soul like him.

“I’m sorry this happened to you. You don’t deserve it, none of it.”

He closed his eyes once more as a slow tear made its way down his face. I used my free hand to wipe it away and hoped to pull back as I did so, but Seung-Ho held my hand in place.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, concerned.

“…Could you pat me like before?”

“Seung-Ho I-”

“Please?” His voice came out in a soft whimper that conveyed just how desperate he was needing any form of comfort right now.

Although I faltered in my movements, I moved a little closer so that I had better access to his back. Slowly and softly, I caressed his back the way I remembered how.

At my motions he let out a shaky sigh and he physically seemed to relax a little, even his hold on my other hand had weakened.

“You read the letters huh?” He asked and I nodded without a sound. He moved to let go of my hand but I held onto his.

“Why? Embarrassed?” I smiled.

“A lot actually, yeah.”

“Then why did you send them?” I questioned softly.

He remained silent for some minutes, only answering when he gathered his words. “I was a mess. Feeling anything was better than nothing even if it was embarassment.”

I nodded understandably. “How was it in there?” I tried to ask carefully but I could see something change in his eyes.

“I… don’t want to talk about it. Not yet anyways.”

I nodded once more, letting it go immediately. Seung-Ho shuffled so that he lay on his side again, one hand in mine and the other placed underneath his cheek for support. He fixed his eyes on me and didn’t turn away.

“What?” I asked, blushing besides myself from his intense gaze.

“I’m… trying to remember your face.” He whispered and I felt myself sober up a little remembering just why we were all here. “Not that I could ever forget it but I guess I’m still scared.”

“You’ll be able to see me Seung-Ho.”

He shrugged slightly as an unsure smile crept on his face. “I don’t know.”

“You can get through this okay? We’re all with you, we’ve got you. I know things haven’t been the same between all of us but we still love you the same. The fact that we're all still here proves that.” He shifted his gaze to a space behind me, but I called out to him.

“Look at me.” I reached over to pull his face gently towards my direction. “Look, take a look at this face. Memorise it, although I can guarantee you’ll get bored of it real soon.”

He chuckled at that.

For the first time since last night, he let out a genuine smile and unknowingly my lips curved up in response, happy to know that he was still capable of doing so.

“I could never get bored of your face.

My eyes drifted around the room, slightly yet obviously embarrassed by his words. I slipped my fingers out of his own and poured him a cup of water from the bedside table. He accepted it, but the cup did not reach his lips.

“I’m sorry.” He croaked.

“Another apology?”

“I-” He started. but a knock from the door interrupted our tense conversation and I stood up to ready to open it but paused to see if Seung-Ho was okay with that. It had been some time since I had locked it and it was certain that the others were probably worried too. When he nodded in confirmation, I approached the door, pushing it open to be met face to face with So-Hee.

“What tricks are you pulling?” She whispered harshly, but I chose to ignore her and trailed my gaze behind her to see if I could find Soo.

So-Hee brushed past me and I let her as I stepped out of the room and she stepped in.

Towards my right I caught sight of Myung-Soo and Ji-Soo mumbling with their backs facing me. I considered walking over to see what they were talking about but decided to find a chair on the other side of the corridor to sit.

With a soft pat on each other’s shoulders they both turned around making eye contact with me at the same time.

“Woah, So-Hyun.” Ji-Soo said, clearly surprised to see me. I gave a small wave in return. “When did you err, come out?”

“Just now.” I replied softly, trying to meet the eyes of my boyfriend who had remained quiet. “You can go in, So-Hee’s in there too.”

“Oh okay, thanks.” Ji-Soo’s gaze shifted between me and Myung-Soo. “I’m going in…” He said rather awkwardly before hurrying past me and through the doors causing them to slam shut. Silently Myung-Soo attempted to follow him until I grabbed his hand.

“Hey, can we talk?”

“Err, yeah we can but maybe later.” He cleared his throat, “I want to check up on him first.”

“Sure, but Soo…”

“I’m not avoiding you... I'm not mad either.” He stepped back a little and crouched down so that he was facing me. He slid his arm upwards so that his hand now fell into mine in a gentle grip. “Sorry, my mind is… in shambles right now and I’m just trying to keep it together.”