~Winter 1999~

I was being shaken.

My faith was being tested.

It felt like we were at the end of our widths. We’d done all the research, cooked up every remedy, but continued to draw up blank. Nothing was working for Seung-Ho and I started to worry that soon enough, we wouldn't have any option but to simply sit still and play with our fingers.

Just today Soo and I had travelled all the way to the East coast of Busan where they apparently sold a ‘rare’ species of blowfish that helped to cure any illness that one had. It was Soo’s idea to try it and although I said I was a little sceptical, a part of me could only hope that anything - just about anything would help.

When we got there however no one had heard of such thing and we left feeling more deflated than ever.

I nestled into Myung-Soo’s arms in thought, we had attempted to sleep after visiting Seung-Ho for a while at the hospital. Attempted being the operative word here. By the time we had arrived home, we were out of energy and both collapsed onto the bed, but the actual sleeping part of the equation was missing. I was having a hard time sleeping and being in his arms was the only thing that brought me a little peace at night, but at around 3 am I woke up again unable to deal with the nightmares I was having.

They probably wouldn't even be classed as nightmares to others but being in that mental state was too uncomfortable. The memories that my psyche chose to dig out were too painful.

They were the memories of our childhood days. The days we had spent as children, laughing, playing and living like there was no tomorrow.

I could only attribute that to the fact that I had been seeing the others a lot more as of recent. In LA it was almost like an out of sight of mind feeling, but being with them more these days triggered thoughts of our history.

The ache in my heart would not ease and all that I could do was to wish that I had cherished those times even better. Everything felt like it was going at a thousand miles an hour, as if time was literally slipping from my fingers.

It all came down to the lack of control.

How I wish time were something tangible, then maybe I could actually do something to stop it from going so quickly. Just maybe I’d be able to turn back the clock and go back to the days that we were happier and without fret of the next challenge.

I never realised how much power I had in this world. I only wish I had enough of it to be able to alter the future.

I almost chuckled at that, because I was definitely not cut out for the role of a deity.

I ran a palm over my face hoping to erase those thoughts and I felt Soo shift beside me, noticing him blink away the sleep in his eyes as they met mine.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” I asked and he shook his head in response. “Try and get back to sleep.” I lifted up my hand in an attempt to caress his face, but he held it in place.

“So-Hyun-ah.” His eyes drifted to our intertwined hands, holding it gently. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

"I ate your favourite pork buns in my dream and you were so angry with me that you threw out my favourite walnut cookies."

I couldn't help but laugh, "Serves you right."

"I'll be very careful from now on."

"As you should be Mr Kim." I teased and he let out small laugh, that soon died out.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Other than how else I could get revenge if I ever caught you eating my pork buns?" That put the smile back onto his face. "About how I'm scared. Worried about what is to come but reassured at the fact that I’m surrounded with the people I love." I shut my eyes at the sensation of Soo's hand on my cheek.

"Really, I am sorry So-Hyun."

"What did you do now?" I asked softly, opening my eyes again to meet his glimmering brown orbs.

“...It feels like no matter how hard I try I can’t make your pain go away; I can’t find anything that will help Seung-Ho. I guess I'm afraid of the uncertainty of life.”

“Soo, you know what I was just thinking? There are some things in life that you just can’t control you know. Whether it be ridding me of my pain or healing Seung-Ho. What’s meant to be will be.. Just like you and me.”

I love you Soo, and I’m so grateful to be with you.”

“I love you too and I want us to do the best that we can for Seung-Ho, even if it means going to the end of the world.” Soo affirmed with a blush.

I understood his sentiments too well, knowing that if we really did have to go to the end of the world - wherever that may be, we would definitely go.

There was some silence, before Soo broke it. “S-should we pray?” I peered up at him, seeing the sincerity in his eyes filled me with warmth. “Maybe if we speak to something out there… Maybe a miracle will happen.”

I nodded silently, clasping my hands together and closing my eyes to the sound of Soo pleading to the heavens for an answer.

~

The following weekend, I got myself ready to visit Seung-Ho whilst Soo took a trip to his parents’ house. I would have usually gone with him, but I had already told Seung-Ho that I would visit him today and didn’t want to go back on my word.

Both Soo and I decided to drop our lives in LA in the meantime and rented an apartment that was near the hospital. Far enough to get the bus there, but close enough that a walk could get you there too. It was small apartment and nothing particularly fancy, but we had used up our savings to put down a deposit for it so it had meaning to us. We had made our own little space and I was thankful for it.

I kept in contact with Youngjae Oppa and my Uncle going back and forth about staying back in Busan for a while and although they were worried about me they were affirmative that my position would still be there when I was ready to go back. Not that I was bothered about having the job again, since it was a decision that I had made but Boss also called to reassure me about it and it made me all the more grateful.

Soo on the other hand faced a bit of a backlash from his parents after taking leave from Law School. They were upset at him for about a day or so, but soon came around and promised to support his decision to stay home.

I glanced at my reflection in the mirror, pulling my hair out of my cream turtleneck to allow it to flow freely on my back. Spritzing some of my mother’s perfume on I trod down the stairs to put on my black knee-high leather boots over my black tights to match with my pleated skirt.

Making sure to grab the sprout soup that Soo conjured up for Seung-Ho, I left the quiet apartment for the hospital. To pass time during the bus journey, I came up with different questions I would ask Seung-Ho when I got there… I would ask him how his night was, if he had eaten breakfast and maybe