Bang YongGuk

“YongGuk you’re here, sit down.” My mom said as I entered the coffee shop.

I sat down in front of them and took a deep breath.

My mother spoke “YongGuk what do you want ?” I didn’t answer. How could she pretend everything is okay like that ?!  I looked at her completely shocked and tried to stay calm. I took a look at the menu. “I’ll have back coffee and blueberry cake.”

As Dad went to order, my mother gave me a little smile. “YongGuk, I’m curious. How are you doing ? I bet it was hard for you to be … there.”

“You mean in jail ?” I retorted.

She nodded, avoiding my eyes.

As Dad came back, I told them everything. The panic attacks during the first years, the claustrophobia, the violent guards and inmates. The crappy food. The lukewarm showers.

I even told them about things HaSeul didn’t know about. Being rejected by the other inmates. Feeling so alone I felt like a mad man. They looked surprised. I talked about it like I talked about someone else life, it was less painful.

My mother listened with a sad face, she looked honestly shocked over what she just heard.  “Listen YongGuk. I made a mistake. When I came to see you, I was furious you ruined your life this way. There were evidences against you ... Solji just made everything appear so clear ! ”

I sighed. “You were worried about your reputation. You told me that the whole neighborhood looked at you weirdly and your colleagues too. Admit it was selfish of you.”

She stayed silent. “I’m sorry.” She started to sob and I didn’t fluster.

“You threw me away. You told me I was a dishonor to the family. Don’t cry right now, that makes me the bad guy.” I retorted. I didn't know how I was able to even speak that harshly to my mother. It somehow felt good, to release this vicious and old pain and anger I had in myself.

She wiped her tears and stood up. “I need to refresh myself.”

She walked to the bathroom. I took a deep sigh.

“YongGuk, I also have excuses to give, I just followed your mother lead, without asking myself any questions. You know how your mom involved herself in your education, you were her pride. She tried to cope removing you from her life … Don’t think she didn’t suffer from the situation.” Dad said, giving a look to Mom slowly walking to the bathroom of the coffee shop.

My hands were sweaty to this point. “ So what ? You weren’t there when she came to spit all of her anger to me. Seven years without a single visit ... It's very long. My roomate I always envied him, his parents come regularly.”

My dad slowly nodded. “ Yeah I do understand you survived alone. My son, I'm sorry about that. It breaks my heart to think that you were misunderstood for so long no that we misunderstood you for so long. "

I looked at him shocked of his sincerity. He wiped his tears and had a forced laugh. "Do you want to see how YongJu grew up ?”

I nodded, eager to see her. He took his phone and showed me a picture of a teen with the short trendy haircut. Long gone were the twin pigtails. As I looked at the photo, Dad took my hand. “She’d be happy to see you. YongJu always pestered us with her big brother. She missed you so much.”

“I miss her too…”

Dad showed me a lot of photos of YongJu. I was so moved to see how grown up she was. My mother arrived and looked at what we were doing.

"What about eating home tonight?  Yongju will be so happy to meet you.” She said. I realized she was gone for long minutes. Her eyes were puffy but she was smiley.

I shook my head.“I don’t think I’m able to do that. I can’t, I’m sorry. I … need to leave.”

I putted my vest back . “I can’t do that... “I have no idea if I want to forgive you or not. Well, wait it’s not about wanting it’s about being able to. I don’t know if I have that strength. I really don’t know.”

Mom nodded slowly. “I know. I can understand it’s a lot of you meeting us, YongJu has been waiting for you since day 1. She would be so happy.”

I surrended myself. “Okay. But I’m not eating at that house. Let’s find a restaurant.”

We waited at the nearby restaurant for YongJu to arrive. I was anxious of meeting my sister, it’s been ages. I was fidgeting my sleeve, getting very nervous. My mother rested her hand on mine