Choi Haseul

YongGuk came back from his dinner with Himchan with a long face. I was waiting for him on the couch and came to hug him as he opened the door. He looked so stiff and angry. Where was the soft guy that went to have dinner with Himchan ? 

"YongGuk are you okay ?"

"I need to be alone. Sorry, I'm in a bad mood." He whispered. I took a step away from the doorstep and he finally entered the house. I sat back on the couch, looking at YongGuk.

He removed his coat and had a loud sigh. Then, he removed his shoes and finally entered the living room.

"YongGuk."

He was deep in thoughs and I had to repeat his name to have an answer. He looked at me and seemed sad, angry. I tried to smile to him. "I'm here ... so when you want to talk to me or just get a hug, I'll be right here."

He sounded surprised and nodded, looking away. He went in the bedroom upstairs and I sighed. It pained me to see YongGuk this way. Why a dinner with Himchan would make him so furious ? I watched TV, very concerned about YongGuk. I wanted to go upstairs and talk with him but he clearly stated he wanted to be alone.  It was past midnight when I  fell asleep without meaning to on the couch.

It was a bad habit yet I slept in front of the TV several days a week. It felt reassuring to hear the TV playing  while I fell asleep. As I didn't hear noise anymore, I suddenly woke up. YongGuk had the remote and just turned off the TV. "Why are you sleeping here huh ? Come and sleep upstairs."

He looked annoyed I was sleeping here. I felt awkward. "You said you wanted to be alone."

YongGuk had a loud sigh. "I intimidate you so much ?"

I shook my head. "You needed to be alone. And I fell asleep in front of TV."

"That's a bad habit." He said. I hate seeing him like this, having that wall between us. It was really hard. I even hesitated to touch him, even when I was craving for a hug right now. The silence felt awkward; as if he wanted to speak out yet didn't have the courage. All of sudden, YongGuk the TV and sat on the floor, resting his back on the couch, avoiding my eyes all at once. We watched TV for a long time in silence. A dumb cooking show was airing that night and yet the silly jokes made none of us laugh. YongGuk changed the channel, and we were watching a singing competition when he said something.

" It's hard for me to talk about my past."

I looked at his large back. YongGuk had broad shoulders, and he looked so strong, especially these days when he gained weight.

"I know it's hard for you, you don't have to talk about it." I said, trying to comfort him. My hands found his neck and I started to cuddle him.

" Did you know I had a sister ? " He whispered.

I widened my eyes. " I had no idea. "

The man took his old phone.This is why Himchan wanted to have dinner with him, to give him back his phone. I was also invited but declined because I wanted the two friends to have time together.

" She was not even six years old when all of this happened. I'm not even sure she remembers of me. " YongGuk revealed.

I  made his head rest on my lap. He closed his eyes and looked peaceful like this, holding my waist and his head resting on my tighs. I looked at the old fashioned phone he was holding and  touched. "Do you want a new cellphone ?"

He shrugged. "To have only 3 contacts ? No thanks." He took his phone and scrolled the photos. It started by a photo of an art exposition. Then some random photos of the sky. Then, he smiled.  "Look how cute she was ! "

The little girl on the photo was smiling, some teeths missing. She must have grown a lot since. Wait, she must be around fourteen years old, or fifteen.

As YongGuk showed me more photos, I understood they spent a day at an attraction park. " I used to spend all my free time with her. "

He suddenly hugged me tigher. "Haseul what should I do ? She wants to meet me. Himchan told me she went all the way to the association to find me."

I turned myself to YongGuk and looked at his distressed face. I couldn't comprehend why he was sad actually. "YongGuk that's great."

He stood up, his expression hardened. "You don't get it huh ? No one understands me."

I ran after him and grabbed his arm. He pushed my arm away and I felt rejected. I looked at my arm and walked back to the couch. YongGuk came to look after me. "Did I hurt you ? HaSeul I didn't want to harm you. I'm sorry."

He gently took my arm.

"I hate that behavior of you. You push me away from you and you're so stiff and angry against the universe. If you don't explain to me how am I supposed to know ?." I complained.

He looked at me with a sorry face. "You've said it yourself. I don't have a ounce of self esteem. How can I go and meet her when I'm such a loser ? How ?"

He avoided my eyes and I hugged him, shocked to witness his weaknesses. His sobbs seemed so painful, as if his pain was so enormous that it hurted him to get rid of it. It lasted a while, I just his back in a warm manner. When he found back peace and a regular breathing, we went to cuddle upstairs on the bed. I kept his neck, knowing how physical touch can make someone feel protected.

YongGuk told me about his mom that came to see him the day after the incident. How she bid farewell to him and exposed how disappointed she was in him, after all the education he received. I understood the accusations was serious but wasn't a mom supposed to trust her kids, love them whatever they did ? The worse is that she didn't change her mind, in seven years YongGuk didn't receive any family member. He ate watery soup and