Happy

 

Yifan × Zitao

 

 

I have loved him for the longest time.

Even before I understood what love was.

 

=

 

‘01.01.2013’

‘00:05 AM’

 

 

“Happy New Year!!”

 

Tao screamed in shock, and as the result, years of wushu training came back into his head and at the next moment, his hand flailed here and there sharply until it hit the nose of the person who had sneaked behind him.

 

“OUCH-“

 

“OH MY GOD-“ Tao then screamed in horror because God, he probably had broken such a beautiful nose.

 

That belonged to an equally beautiful man – but let’s not get there.

 

“Wow.” Yifan croaked out, still cupping his nose that was starting to feel like it was bleeding. “Damn.”

 

“Ge I’m so sorry – my hand – bad hand what a waste of space – I’ll just cut off my hand – “

 

“What – no, Huang Zitao,” Yifan finally grabbed Tao’s shoulders, trying to calm down the boy, “I was the one who joked too far. I’m sorry, I knew you’re jumpy yet I still did it.”

 

Tao, who was always someone who get easily enchanted by Yifan’s chocolatey voice and more chocolatey eyes, only shook his head like a jammed android. “No. You did nothing wrong. I’m the bad person here.”

 

Yifan laughed, and his orbs disappeared behind two, beautiful crescent moons that were his eyelids, and Tao was once again in awe. Such a beautiful human being. God spent His time too much on Wu Yifan.

 

Tao also spent his time too much on Wu Y – okay let’s not get there too.

 

“Anyway,” Yifan released Tao’s lanky body, still with a smile, “Happy New Year, Taozi!”

 

“Ha – happy,” Tao stuttered, “Happy New Year, Fan ge!”

 

“What are you doing here all by yourself?” Yifan then shifted his gaze towards the beautiful scenery of lights, scattered across the darkness of the night city life from the balcony on the third floor of Tao’s house. “Everyone’s having fun downstairs.”

 

Tao scrunched up his nose. “You know I hate crowds.”

 

“Hm.” Yifan pouted. “Well then, I guess I have to keep you company here.”

 

“What? Who told you to do that? Was it Dad again??” Tao was suddenly feeling guilty.

 

But Yifan, effortlessly, just smirked at him. “Nope.” he said. “It was my heart.”

 

Tao could’ve sworn his nose bled inside his mind.

 

I have loved him dearly.

As if I never loved before.

 

=

 

‘12.31.2013’

‘11:11 PM’

 

 

Tao watched dreamily as Yifan closed his eyes and clasped his hands together. They fell into a comfortable silence, one that Tao liked so much out of his moments with the man next to him.

 

Yifan then opened his eyes again. “Done.”

 

“Is it really effective?” Tao asked. “Wishing for something on eleven eleven?”

 

“Well, it depends.” Yifan chuckled. “I just believe that if I wish for something humble enough, it would be granted.”

 

Tao clasped his hands immediately. “Then I’m going to wish too.”

 

“One minute already passed, Taozi.”

 

“.”

 

“What were you going to wish for?” Yifan asked him.

 

Tao stared at him, mind blank in a second. Should he tell Yifan that he just wished Yifan would have at least one tiny bit of hint about his feelings?

 

Maybe next time.

 

“I want to wish for 2014 to be a good year for me.” Tao smiled. “Like, you know, getting a decent job, making Dad see that I’m not his little Peach anymore, and,” – ‘making you see that I kind of love you so ing much’ – “seeing you get a promotion at work.”

 

“Whoa, thank you for including me in your wish.” Yifan smiled back at him brightly. Tao almost fainted. “My wish was very simple as well.”

 

Tao ended up staring at Yifan again.

 

For four years of their friendship, that was one thing Tao was really good at.

 

Because one wrong move, and he might ruin whatever they have.

 

“Don’t tell me.” Tao whispered. “It will… it will ruin the chance for it to be granted, right?”

 

He knew it. He knew Yifan like the back of his hand. He knew what the wish was. What it was about.

 

Yifan nodded with a grin. “You’re right.”

 

Sighing, Tao could only watch in silence as Yifan sipped his third can of coke that night. Sometimes it was so good to be in such a comfy silence with Yifan. Most of the times it was testing his adrenalines and his heart’s strength.

 

Other times, it would make him stare at Yifan longingly.

 

“To 2014.” Yifan raised his coke can. “May it be a prosperous, amazing year.”

 

Tao eventually smiled. “To 2014.”

 

When will he ever brave up?

 

‘Maybe next time.’

 

I have loved him so foolishly,

and I didn’t even mind being a fool for him.

 

=

 

‘12.31.2014’

‘09:47 PM’

 

 

“. We’re trapped for real.”

 

Tao could only agree to Yifan’s words as they watched the blizzard outside the glass wall of the convenience store, along with some people who were also unable to go home because of the snow war outside.

 

“I guess,” Yifan sighed as he turned to Tao, “it’s time for some hot, delicious ramen.”

 

“What?” Tao frowned. “You serious??”

 

Yifan winked at him. “We can have a happy tummy instead of watching the snow and being scared.”

 

“I can’t eat while Elsa throws all her PMS on us.”

 

Yifan laughed. “Let me make some ramen for you. Instant ramen are always the best.”

 

Fifteen minutes later, they were seated on the table a little bit far from the glass wall. Tao kept on watching the blizzard in total annoyance, slurping his noodle while at it. Yifan kept on watching Tao being annoyed.

 

“I’m still not happy.” Tao huffed. “But this ramen is so good.”

 

“How have you been, Taozi?”

 

The question caught him off-guard. He hadn’t met Yifan for three months after he started busying himself with his job at an entertainment company. Somehow it was easier to drown himself into the sea of fashion catalogues and music video plan boards than seeing Yifan. Because Yifan,

 

Yifan had –

 

“Great. I’ve been great.” Tao answered casually. “Been busy, but I like it. The job.”

 

“So one of your New Year resolution came true, huh?”

 

Tao stared at Yifan. He didn’t even remember he ever made a New Year resolution.

 

This kind of thing was why it was so hard for Tao.

 

“Your Dad finally let you have your ways,” Yifan smiled gently, “and I’ve been promoted last month.”

 

“For real??” Tao gasped, genuinely happy. “That’s very great, Fan!!”

 

Yifan was the one staring instead, and Tao lost all his confidence. Yifan was making him insane again.

 

“You’ve grown up so much.” was what Yifan said to him, with the gentlest voice and the softest gaze. “Someone must’ve made the time run too fast.”

 

They spent New Year’s Eve watching the blizzard.

 

Tao wished there would be blizzard forever.

 

I have loved him since we were young,

to the point where I wanted to grow old with him.

 

=

 

‘12.31.2015’

‘09:02 PM’

 

 

The night was still long. It was still a few hours until New Year. Tao watched from the mini bar as his father conversed with Yifan animatedly on the living room, probably talking about a lot of topics only business men would get. His uncles and cousins were also there, listening to the seemingly interesting talk.

 

A proud smile bloomed on Tao’s lips. Yifan had always been like a family to them.

 

“Your Dad likes him very much.”

 

His grandmother’s voice gently brought him back from his daydreaming. “Yeah.” he grinned, resting his head on the old lady’s shoulder. “He’s the kind of son Dad always dreamed for.”

 

“Well, that, I can’t deny.” his grandmother chuckled. “But you are the son he will still want to have even in the next life.”

 

“Wow. Heartwarming.” Tao huffed.

 

His grandmother laughed. “He said it would be an honor,” she said quietly, “to have Yifan as his son in law.”

 

Tao’s heart fell.

 

“He said six years is enough for him to feel safe about him. He said, his child had found the perfect partner.”

 

Tao buried his face further into his grandmother’s woolen sweater. “That’s good then.”

 

There was a silence, and he knew the old lady was staring at him from the corner of her eyes. “Peach,” she called for him, “be honest with me?”

 

He looked up at her.

 

“Are you happy with him?” she asked. “Is he really the one your heart longs for?”

 

Something churned inside his stomach. Something weird. “Grandma,”

 

“Do you love him that much?” she asked, with the warmest look in her eyes.

 

And of course, Tao couldn’t hold his emotions anymore. “Grandma,” he sobbed, “I do. I love him. So much, Grandma.”

 

His grandmother chuckled at him, cupping his chin gently. “My Peach. So passionate, so innocent, so easy to get hurt.” Tao noticed the tears starting to pool around her eyes. “What do I do with you, hmm?”

 

He didn’t know what to do with himself either.

 

He was drowning, and he had no intentions to swim up again.

 

I have loved him with all my heart,

recklessly hoping it would be enough.

 

=

 

‘12.31.2016’

‘08.13 PM’

 

 

“Is there anything you want to say?”

 

Tao blinks up at Yifan, who is looking down at him curiously. Tao’s gaze shifts down. Yifan is wearing a regal white tuxedo tonight. So elegant. So beautiful.

 

Just like the one who’s wearing it.

 

“I,” Tao mumbles, “no, nothing.”

 

“Taozi,” Yifan calls softly, “we aren’t just friends anymore, starting tonight. Secrets aren’t good when you’re building a family.”

 

Tao sighs heavily. “I know.” he croaks out.

 

“If it’s possible, I hope you can tell me everything.” Yifan says. “Maybe I can help.”

 

Tao looks up at him again. Yifan is too good to be true.

 

But even angels can’t help a broken heart.

 

Even angels can’t help a heart that wants something it shouldn’t have.

 

“Just,” Tao forces a smile, “I’m glad that you are my – “

 

“Fan!”

 

Tao looks down over his shoes.

 

The clanks of high heels echo through the room, and Tao can hear whispers of ‘whoa so pretty’ ‘she really looks like a goddess in that wedding dress’ ‘Yifan is so damn lucky to have – ‘

 

“Yiyi.” Yifan calls dearly.

 

“I’ve been looking for Tao but he’s nowh – Tao?? There you are!!”

 

There he is, in the place he hates the most. In the place he had hated ever since seven years ago.

 

“Yi jie.”

 

The place between his older sister and the man he loves.

 

The empty spot in the triangle.

 

The place for the one who always gets left behind.

 

“Taozi, I was looking for – “

 

There he is, in that place.

 

He’s stuck there forever, and he doesn’t even mind.

 

He had given up on trying since forever after all.

 

I have loved him.

 

At that night, when we were on the balcony of my house. At that night, when he drank three cans of coke next to me. At that night, when we ate ramen on that convenience store, watching the blizzard outside. At that night, when he shone the brightest in the middle of my living room.

 

Even that night, at the wedding party of him and my sister.

 

In those moments, I have loved him.

 

My love was never wrong. My love only knows that it belongs to him.

 

It just appeared at the wrong place, and the wrong time.

 

“Well then, I guess I have to keep you company here.”

 

“What? Who told you to do that? Was it Dad again??” Tao was suddenly feeling guilty.

 

But Yifan, effortlessly, just smirked at him. “Nope.” he said. “It was my heart.”

 

“Stop flirting with my baby brother!!” Ziyi laughed, bringing in a bowl in her hand. “Want some chips, boys?”

 

“Yiyi,” Yifan grinned, “you look so pretty tonight.”

 

“Of course I do. Everything dress Tao picks for me would always look good.”

 

Tao slowly made his way out of the scene.

 

=

 

“To 2014.” Yifan raised his coke can. “May it be a prosperous, amazing year.”

 

Tao eventually smiled. “To 2014.”

 

They made a toast and drank up their own drinks. Yifan hissed from the carbonated water, and Tao laughed the weird face he made.

 

“That’s actually my goal for this year.” Yifan then spoke. “I want to work until I get more promising position, and by then,”

 

Tao mentally closed his hearings.

 

“I will propose to Ziyi.”

 

=

 

“Hello, Yi jie?”

 

“Tao?? You alright??” his sister sounded severely worried through the phone, as always whenever she didn’t see him for more than a minute. “Did you get caught in the blizzard??”

 

“Uh, yeah, I’m still waiting for it to subside down. I’m at a convenience store.”

 

His sister sighed in relief. “I wish I can pick you up right now but I can’t even get to my car. Elsa needs to stop.” she huffed. “At least you’re okay. Now I need to call Yifan – “

 

“He’s with me.”

 

“Really?? Thank God, that means the both of you are okay, right?? Can I talk to him??”

 

Tao gave his phone to Yifan.

 

=

 

“I wish I know the way to cure your heart, sweetie,” his grandmother caressed his cheek, “I wish I can take away at least half of your pain.”

 

Tao shook his head. “I’m fine, Grandma.” he whispered. “I can hold it.”

 

“Remember, my child,” she smiled warmly, “you have the right to choose your way to be happy. Even when everyone tells you it’s wrong, even if everyone says you’re a fool for it, in the end it’s all your choices. It’s you who feels it. It’s your heart.” she patted his shoulder.

 

Tao nodded. “Yes, Grandma.” he looked over his laps. “I just want to be happy.”

 

Yes, that was it.

 

He just wanted to be happy.