Snow Butterfly

 

Jongin × Kyungsoo

 

 

‘In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state.’

 

 

Today is his 27th birthday.

 

The age where every young man lives his life to the fullest. Some with exciting jobs that pay well. Some with beautiful little family. This is supposed to be the age where he wakes up every morning smothered in lazy kisses and a whisper of greetings from his spouse, with his almost two years old son already climbing on his chest with giggles of ‘daddy, daddy’, and him giving them full attention first before preparing for work.

 

Today was supposed to be a special day.

 

Yet here he is, standing at the edge of the rooftop of his apartment building, looking down over the busy streets beneath him without any sign of fear. It’s as if he’s already embracing his destiny to end his pitiful life this way. It’s as if he has been waiting for this moment.

 

Two years is enough for him to endure all the miseries and sufferings. Two years is enough. He can’t live another one. Not like this.

 

But before he steps forward, he looks up at the skies. Even the sunlight is too bright for him. He hates it.

 

“I wish,” he whispers brokenly, “I wish I can change everything.”

 

His words are muffled by the harsh autumn wind.

 

With a determined heart, he sets one foot free from the railing, only standing with the other one. He’s ready to fall. He’s ready to end it all.

 

And then in front of him, a butterfly passes by, snow-white wings fluttering softly.

 

He’s so enchanted by it, that without him knowing, he loses his balance and falls. Falls down, down, until he closes his eyes and everything disappears.

 

=

 

“Jongin, promise me?”

 

He looks up at the man in front of him, as if he just woke up from a trance. He gasps. In front of him is his own spouse; the person who was supposed to-

 

“S-sorry?” Jongin squeaks out.

 

Kyungsoo chuckles softly. “Promise me,” he then turns serious again, “if something bad happens later – complications and such, I want you to save him.” Kyungsoo’s eyes shift down over his round belly, caressing it with love. “I want you to save Happiness.”

 

Everything feels like a déjà vu. Was he day-dreaming? This conversation feels like it had happened eons ago. This Christmas Day feels like it happened many years ago. Nonetheless, Jongin shrugs off the weird feeling churning inside. “Soo,” Jongin sighs, taking his spouse’s hand in his, “you can’t say things like that. It breaks my heart.”

 

“You know this is a crucial situation.” Kyungsoo whispers. “Male pregnancy itself isn’t supposed to happen. What if… what if I’m not meant to survive?”

 

He gulps down. “You will.” Jongin pleads, tears already forming on his eyes. “You will survive. You and Happiness, both of you will survive.”

 

But in the end, nothing like that happens.

 

There were, indeed, complications. To honor Kyungsoo’s words, Jongin agreed when the Doctors tell him they were going to save both Kyungsoo and the baby. After the baby was delivered, Kyungsoo fell into comatose state. The baby, which already has a weak heart to begin with, never got to open its eyes as it stopped breathing after four days of struggling to take the chance on living.

 

Kyungsoo follows Happiness right on Jongin’s 25th birthday on January 14th, after three weeks of silent struggle.

 

As he watches Kyungsoo’s body being cremated, he asks himself. What happened? What went wrong?

 

As he barges out of the crematorium, running towards the streets, he asks himself, what could’ve been done in order to keep Kyungsoo alive?

 

Does he need to change something?

 

In the moment, Jongin stops. A butterfly passes him by, snow-white wings fluttering softly.

 

He barely hears the loud honks behind him.

 

=

 

“Jongin? Promise me?”

 

Jongin gasps, looking up at Kyungsoo who is startled because of him. He looks around, noticing that this is the familiar hospital hall. He looks through the window. It’s snowing outside. It’s the same Christmas Day.

 

He’s back in time, again.

 

“Are you okay?” Kyungsoo asks worriedly.

 

After Jongin assures his spouse that he’s fine, Kyungsoo recites the words Jongin had heard more than once already. He can’t believe this. He’s really back on the day Kyungsoo was going to give birth.

 

It gets down to him that this is his chance to change everything.

 

So when the Doctor asks his opinion about the complications Kyungsoo has, he whispers at them, “please save Kyungsoo.”

 

Which means, Happiness is gone.

 

Kyungsoo wakes up three days after the surgery. He was excited at first, but soon it vanishes the moment Jongin informs him about everything.

 

After that, Kyungsoo’s not the same person. He goes silent for most of the times. And it kills Jongin inside every time Kyungsoo flashes him this ‘I’m fine’ smile while it clearly shows that he isn’t. The worse thing is that Kyungsoo doesn’t even blame him on sacrificing the baby. Kyungsoo doesn’t blame him for going against his words.

 

He had thought it was Kyungsoo’s way to cope with life.

 

Yet three weeks after the surgery, on his 25th birthday, Jongin finds Kyungsoo unmoving inside their bathtub, under the water.

 

What had went wrong this time? Jongin frantically searches for his phone to call for some help. Didn’t he get rid of the thing that could’ve caused Kyungsoo’s death? Why is it coming back at him now?

 

Jongin lifts Kyungsoo’s body from the bathtub, placing him on the tiled floor. Kyungsoo looks peaceful. Is it better for Kyungsoo to leave than to stay with him?

 

When he looks up, a butterfly rests at the rim of the bathtub, snow-white wings flutters slowly to rest.

 

At the next second, he blacks out on the floor.

 

=

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Jongin looks up, bewildered. In front of him is Kyungsoo again. Yet when he notices his surroundings, it’s not the familiar hospital hall. Instead, it’s inside his old apartment.

 

He then looks at Kyungsoo. The other man is looking nervous and troubled. And his belly – it’s on its normal size.

 

Is he back on the day where Kyungsoo –

 

“I need to tell you something.” Kyungsoo whispers.

 

Even before Kyungsoo can speak again, Jongin already beats him to it. “You’re pregnant.”

 

Kyungsoo looks up at him in shock. His face pales. “H-how… w-where did y– “

 

“You,” Jongin says quietly, “you want to… get rid of it.”

 

At that, Kyungsoo looks down, trembling. “I… I’m so sorry, Jongin. I don’t know what to do, I – I never expected – I’m a male, Jongin,” Kyungsoo looks up at him again with tears, “males aren’t supposed to get pregnant – if it’s already hard for women then what am I supposed to do?? Will I even make it?!?”

 

They drown in a suffocating silence. Jongin still can’t believe it. Is this another point he has to change in order to keep Kyungsoo alive?

 

With a heavy heart, he takes a hold of Kyungsoo hand, giving warmth. “It’s your body, Kyungsoo. You have the right to decide. I won’t… mind.” the lie tastes bitter on his tongue. “I care for you more.”

 

“So…” Kyungsoo chokes, “I can get rid… of it?”

 

Subtly, Jongin nods. “Later, when we are married, when we – you’re ready, we would try again. Or we can adopt. And we would be the parents that deserve to love and be loved by our child.”

 

After another tearful conversation, Kyungsoo is assured that he is not alone in the matter. Maybe this is how it was supposed to be. Maybe the fetus inside Kyungsoo was never meant to be born. Because even after it was born, it died because it was too weak to survive, and it also killed Kyungsoo in the process.

 

But later, much later, right on his 25th birthday at January 14th, as he watches Kyungsoo’s body being dragged out of the burning building, unmoving like a heavy sack, Jongin wonders what went wrong this time. Did he miss something?

 

A butterfly passes him by, snow-white wings fluttering softly.

 

=

 

Jongin wakes up from a trance.

 

In front of him, or technically beneath him on the bed, is none other than Kyungsoo, panting as both round eyes flutter up at him.

 

“Jongin?”

 

Kyungsoo looks nervous. And uncertain.

 

Cold rushes down Jongin’s veins.

 

“Soo,” he calls softly, “are you really ready?”

 

His lover looks away.

 

“Don’t lie.”

 

“I am… not.” Kyungsoo whispers. “I’m… I’m so sorry, Jongin, it’s not that I don’t want to have this with you but – “

 

“Hey,” Jongin chuckles, releasing Kyungsoo from his intimate hold, “you’re blabbering.”

 

Kyungsoo looks guilty this time. “I’m scared.” he truthfully says. “I’ve never done this before.”

 

Gulping down the sizzling emotion down, Jongin pulls Kyungsoo up to sit facing him. He takes a hold of Kyungsoo’s hand. “It’s okay.” he says. “We shouldn’t rush things.”

 

“I’m very embarrassed right now.”

 

“Don’t be.” Jongin laughs. “We’ll just get some pizza downstairs to spend this night away – but let me kiss you first. I really need to.”

 

“Well then, for that,” Kyungsoo finally smiles mischievously, “please do.”

 

This is enough, Jongin thinks as he lands a sweet kiss on Kyungsoo’s lips. This is enough, because this would keep Kyungsoo alive later.

 

However everything he believed regarding it completely shatters when on his 25th birthday, when Kyungsoo was supposed to meet him for a romantic dinner, he gets a call from the hospital instead.

 

Police found Kyungsoo at the alley behind his own apartment building. Bruises are all over his body – even at some places Jongin never touched before. Kyungsoo is bruised, and empty inside.

 

“Please,” Kyungsoo whispers sorely at him, “kill… me…”

 

Jongin runs outside of the hospital building, right towards the open streets. What is wrong this time? Why does it always have to be on the day he turns 25?

 

Just right before a car collides with his body, he catches the glimpse of a butterfly passing him by, snow-white wings fluttering softly in the middle of the night.

 

=

 

“Excuse me?”

 

This time, they’re in front of the cashier table, in the café Jongin remembers he had visited with Kyungsoo a lot. Or maybe at this point of time, those café dates haven’t existed yet.

 

Before his eyes is Kyungsoo, looking up at him judgingly.

 

“I – “ Jongin stutters. This would be the moment where he boldly asks Kyungsoo out, after cutting the line and buying him a cup of Iced Americano. Him on his senior year of high school, Kyungsoo on his freshman year in college.

 

Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow.

 

“I’m sorry.” Jongin steps backwards. “I thought you’re a friend I know.”

 

Kyungsoo actually looks like he’s pitying Jongin but at the same time is annoyed. “Well.” he hums. “Kid, if you’re not going to order then maybe you can step aside. I’m very thirsty.”

 

“Will do.” Jongin bows at Kyungsoo. “I’m sorry again.”

 

Maybe the problem wasn’t the baby. Or the night it was conceived. Maybe them meeting and being in love with each other is the problem. Maybe they were supposed to never be involved with each other. Some things aren’t meant to collide and make a better matter.

 

Jongin cries on his way out of the café. He would be the only one to remember those days and nights they spent together. Kyungsoo would be someone else. Kyungsoo would never know him. They would forever be strangers that never cross paths.

 

This should keep Kyungsoo alive.

 

This should’ve, yet this doesn’t.

 

But in the end, life is twisted. Jongin’s life without Kyungsoo is twisted. On his 25th birthday, he spends the night drinking with his friends until his head can’t even tell which is left and which is right. And in such state, he decides to drive. The road is empty anyway, he shouts at his friend who keeps begging him not to.

 

He doesn’t even realize anything the moment his car collides with a body.

 

He only realizes that he had turned someone incapable of walking five days after he sobers up. That person lost his legs and voice.

 

Do Kyungsoo is the victim’s name.

 

What is this? Jongin asks to the skies, both feet on the railings of the rooftop of his apartment building. Is this a punishment?

 

A butterfly rests on the tip of his sneakers, snow-white wings ceasing to flutter.

 

=

 

He finally understands.

 

The problem wasn’t their love fruit. It wasn’t the night of the first time they made love. It wasn’t the day he chose to engage a relationship with Kyungsoo.

 

It’s him. He is the problem. The mistake. The error in the system. The negative variable in Kyungsoo’s life.

 

So when he wakes up from a trance to the moment he first sees Kyungsoo on the school’s hall, he sets up his heart and makes the decision.

 

“Where are you going?” his friend asks when he starts walking out of the hall. “Hey, the seniors are already here – “

 

He turns deaf to everything. He can’t see other things but the door that leads him outside. He keeps walking, and walking, until he arrives at the side of the street.

 

He waits for the perfect moment. He waits, and finally, he notices a gigantic white truck is heading towards him in such speed.

 

He waits, one foot already out of the elevated pavement.

 

‘It’s fine, Soo,’ Jongin smiles to himself, ‘you will be okay. You will be okay.’

 

The moment the truck reaches the spot where he stands, he jumps forward.

 

‘You will live. Happily.’

 

‘I love you, Soo.’

 

=

 

“He got stabbed repeatedly all over his abdomen. Seriously, it was so inhumane.” Baekhyun sniffs. “Kyungsoo didn’t deserve such brutal thing. No one deserves to die that way.”

 

Chanyeol pats his lover’s back, trying to calm the other down.

 

“If only – if only I didn’t bail on him last night, he wouldn’t have left his work that late, he wouldn’t have met that murderer.” Baekhyun cries on his lover’s arms.

 

Chanyeol keeps rocking Baekhyun back and forth. It’s funny how life turns upside down in a matter of second. He just talked with Kyungsoo yesterday morning. He never thought of losing that friend last night.

 

Last night.

 

He sighs.

 

Yesterday was supposed to be his deceased old friend Jongin’s 25th birthday.