~Chapter Song: The Rose ‘I.L.Y’~

Sorry another long chapter TT

The following week So-Hyun was at work, preparing for her counselling session and upon hearing her name being called she walked into the office. She first noticed the large leather chair that dominated the small room and she felt the pressure of being in it suddenly overwhelm her. Part of the training required So-Hyun to take part in her own counselling session, at least twice so she can understand more of what it’s like.

“I know this is all for training, but it really works best when you take the conversations we have in here seriously and it helps the both of us. Don’t worry, I have the right to keep everything we say in here confidential so do feel comfortable.” The counsellor, Kim Jung-ah explained. She was beautiful and is ageing gracefully with confidence that amazed So-Hyun when she walked in.

“So, if you’re ready I will set the timer and we can begin?” She said, offering her a seat.

“Yes.” So-Hyun nodded, watching as Jung-Ah put her glasses on, immediately sticking her pen to a blank piece of paper.

“How are you finding your training so far?”

“It’s been enjoyable. Hard, but still good. I’m happy to be doing something that I enjoy.”

“What are your plans after training?”

So-Hyun gave it some thought before answering “Well, I’m thinking of doing my PhD in a few years, I wanted to do it straight away, but was advised to not rush into anything… And it costs money.” She smiled. “But, who knows, I might just enjoy this counselling life.”

“I see. Can we move onto your personal life So-Hyun-ssi?” She saw So-Hyun hesitantly nod and reassured her with a smile. “So-Hyun-ssi how often do you meet up with your friends?”

“I don’t meet with them often as of recent. Since we graduated we haven’t had many opportunities, because we’ve been busy with work but we still make the effort to contact each other. At the moment I only have one close friend now and a… boyfriend."

“I see, is there anyone in particular who you feel really understands you and is close to you? You don’t have to say names, of course.”

So-Hyun puckered her lips in thought “I think for me, it’s my mother.”

“That’s interesting, I’m sure you know this being a Psychology major and all, but usually as you grow such positions are given to your close friends or your partner. What makes you trust your mother so much?”

“She’s been everything to me since I was young. I guess, my mother’s been the only one to have never left me. She’s always been there for me and supported all of my decisions. Even if she doesn’t understand straight away she’ll always ask and make the effort to understand. I admit there were times that I done wrong and kept some things from her, but even after scolding me like a normal mother would, she advised me… I’ve felt selfish at times for some of the things I’ve said and done, I’m a bad daughter, right?”

“Not at all So-Hyun-ssi. I’m here to listen to you, judgement-free. You mentioned that she’s the only one to never have left you, would you like to further elaborate?”

So-Hyun opened and closed , contemplating whether she should continue but amidst her deliberation she began to speak her thoughts. Old habits die hard.

“From a young age I always questioned why the people that were closest to me had to leave me. My father died when I was younger, the few friends I had all left me and I was always left alone. Well I had my mother and brother of course… they’ve been the only one’s constant in my life.”

“Would you like to talk about your father?” Jung-ah probed wearily and gave her a comforting smile when she shook her head. “It’s okay, no pressure remember. What would you say is one of your fears if any?”

“Being left alone.” She confessed, unconsciously. It was as if she was in a trance and the thoughts of her 23 years of life flashing through her mind. “It’s funny, I wonder why we grow attached to the very people that can disappear. I know I sound silly and I’ve tried so hard to believe that not everyone will leave me. I’ve come a long way from the way I was before… it’s just that it is so hard to be left behind. The feeling of rejection cascades my mind every now and then, but I’m getting better.”

“I understand. So, what kind of life would you say that you have lived so far?”

“… I’m not sure. I mean I guess a life where I’ve been constantly in dispute with myself, never surrounded by people but avoiding any attempts at meaningful relationships. I thought that living that way would make my life easier.”

“I see. What kind of life, then, would you like to live?”

“A happy one.” she whispered, not realising that she had now closed her eyes. “Not that I’m not happy now, I am… I just want a life where I’m free of the insecurities that have crippled me for the past few years of my life. That way I think I can have healthier relationships and maybe… Maybe spend the rest of my life with the man that I’m in love with.”

“Would you like to speak more about your partner? How long have you been together for?” Jung-Ah noticed the way So-Hyun smiled when she mentioned Seung-Ho.

“It’s a little complicated, officially it’s been almost six months… But sometimes I like to calculate the moment that we first met, the break that we had in between up till now.”

“How long would that be then?”

“Three years.” So-Hyun blushed, her smile widening.

“That’s remarkable, you seem happy when you speak about him. What about him makes you so happy?”

So-Hyun came to know of romantic love through meeting Seung-Ho and if anyone asked her to define what love was, she would probably say his name. Love happens at such a deep level that it can become difficult to say what exactly it is you love about the other person. What about Seung-Ho made So-Hyun so happy, she often wonders herself. What exactly is it that she loves about him?

I love the way he looks at me, like I’m the only woman he sees. I love how passionate he is about the things and the people he cares for. I love the way he gets shy at almost anything and everything. Even though I pretend to hate his cheesy comments, I secretly enjoy them.

I love the look in his eyes before he kisses me, I love the way that we miss each other even when we’ve just parted. I love that he puts extra chilli sauce on his Tteokbokki even though I hate it on mine. I love that I’m one of the few people he can be himself around.

I just love him.

“So-Hyun-ssi?” Jung-Ah called, bringing So-Hyun out of her thoughts.

“Answering that is a little complicated too…” She chuckled slightly, opening her eyes when she heard the timer sound.

“That marks the end of our session So-Hyun-ssi. You did well, I know that they were some personal questions, but you managed to get through it. How did you find it?”

“It was good, it was unexpectedly helpful… It feels like a weight that I didn’t know I was carrying around has been lifted off my chest.” She answered,communicating really did help her.

“I’m glad to hear that. You will be required to write a report after each session, and I will give you feedback each time. My doors are always open- no that’s wrong, make an appointment first.” She joked, lightening up the mood.

“Thank you.” So-Hyun pushed herself forward from the leather chair, when she was stopped by Counsellor Jung-Ah.

“So-Hyun-ssi! Fighting! Being yourself means being completely vulnerable and open to new things, you’re doing a great job of that.” She continued leaning closer,

“The biggest battle we face as humans is the one against ourselves, our minds are very interesting things you know. You seemed to have lived life through such a weak lens, maybe it’s time you upgrade your gear and capture something new? You’re an outstanding woman, and even if people do leave you perhaps they weren’t meant to stay. Don’t shut yourself out of living because of others, okay?”

This was a first for So-Hyun, she had always known that she needed to change the way she thought, and she’s gotten much better from who she used to be. She had never thought of her outlook on life as a lens, maybe she was still using the same damaged lens from years ago to look at her life now.

Perhaps, this was exactly what she needed to break free.

^^^^

Seung-Ho was outside the building ready for their dinner date at the new Italian restaurant near his house. He was fresh from lecturing, so he was clothed in his suit and tie and with So-Hyun in her skirt and blouse, to others they looked like the perfect match.

“How was work?” She asked, accepting his kiss on the cheek as her greeting.

“Long and full of paperwork. How was your day?” He took her handbag and replaced it with his own hand.

“It was interesting.” She further explained how she felt lighter after going through her first counselling and she let him know of her plans to go again. The walk to the restaurant wasn’t long and soon they were being assisted to their rooftop view.

“Oppa, you keep doing so much for me, this place looks amazing... Should we go halfsies?” She lovingly scolded, but received a stern look.

“You should learn to accept being treated by me So-Hyun-ah, you can’t expect me to not do anything for you hmm?” He explained, pinching her cheek. “But you’re right, this wasn’t a good idea. I need to go to the bathroom now.” The restaurant was pretty big for a new one, and he had to make the journey back to the first floor for the bathroom.