I went back to my apartment, thinking of drowning myself in alcohol. The way I used to when Kiko and I would break up. But then come to think of it, it wasn’t because of Kiko that I drank, it was really because of Dara.

I saw the gift box she left and decided to open it up. I was surprised when I saw what was inside. She gave me a thoughtful gift meant for our 100^th day.

It contained a series of framed photographs of me and her. There were pictures of me and her as kids with the most memorable being at her 9^th birthday party where she was dressed as a rabbit and me as a dragon. Then there were pictures of us in high school when I had dyed my hair blonde to look cool while she sported dorky glasses. We only had few pictures in college as I spent my time with Kiko. The most recent shot was during summer, in a wooden frame which she decorated with the shells she collected. It was a self-cam of me and her looking tanned and rosy from the beach. Our faces were pressed together and I was looking straight into the camera with my usual smirk while she was slightly turned to me, smiling as if she held a secret.

I badly wanted to know what she was thinking. I then remembered her journal and decided to risk it and read it. I convinced myself that this was an emergency.

I haven’t read very far yet when I learned the truth my bestfriend was hiding from me.

How could this be? How could I not know?

Dara and I shared the same secret

We were both in love with each other.

I realized that maybe I failed to show her that I loved her back, that my actions weren’t enough.        

As I read further, I realized how much I hurt her by not telling her how I feel and by trying to forget about my feelings for her when I was with Kiko.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

I then remembered the mixed CD Dara made for me during my many break-ups with KIko. She told me that this was my soundtrack. Even then she always thought of me. But I didn’t really listen to it. Hearing it now makes me think of her.

Should've held my ground
I could've been redeemed
For every second chance
That changed its mind on me
I should've spoken up
I should've proudly claimed
That oh my head's to blame
For all my heart's mistakes

But oh, I'm staring at the mess I made
I 'm staring at the mess I made
I 'm staring at the mess I made
As you turn, you take your heart and walk away

                                                            - The Mess I Made, Parachute

Oh the mess I made alright. What I’d give to take it all back.

I wanna be drunk when I wake up
On the right side of the wrong bed
And every excuse I made up
Tell you the truth I hate
What didn't kill me
It never made me stronger at all.
Love will scar your make-up lip sticks to me
So now I'll maybe leave back there
I'm sat here wishing I was sober
I know I'll never hold you like I used to.

But our house gets cold when you cut the heating
Without you to hold I'll be freezing
Can't rely on my heart to beat it
'Cause you take part of it every evening
Take words out of my mouth just from breathing
Replace with phrases like when you're leaving me.

Should I, should I?
Maybe I'll get drunk again
I'll be drunk again
I'll be drunk again
To feel a little love
                                   

                                                            - Drunk, Ed Sheeran

I coughed up the beer I was drinking when I heard this. Dara really knew me well.

Situations get ed up and turned around sooner or later
And I could be another fool or an exception to the rule
You tell me the morning after
Crooked spin can't come to rest
I'm damaged bad at best
She'll decide what she wants
I'll probably be the last to know
No one says until it shows and you see how it is
They want you or they don't
Say yes
I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
Who's still around the morning after                                          

- Say Yes, Elliot Smith

I know I’m an and I probably don’t deserve her but I hope she continues to be the girl who’d stay when everyone has left.

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us

how to use the tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up
I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough enough
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it

                                                            - I Won’t Give Up, Jason Mraz
 

Of course I won’t give her up. We’ve been through so much that I know we deserve to be happy. I’d never give up especially now that I know she loves me too.

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind
I'll do it all for you in time
And out of all these things I've done
I think I love you better now

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love
I'll pick you up when you're getting down
and out of all these things I've done
I will love you better now

                                                            - Lego House, Ed Sheeran

I was foolish to believe that actions speak louder than words and that she’d understand how I feel without me telling her. If I could have her back, I’d tell her I love her everyday.

I hope I could make her understand that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with everything they’ve got.

Because I do.