It’s been a month and I have forgotten about being rejected by Kiko. Not that there was any need really, if I’m to be honest; it hurt that my relationship failed but I was the reason why it did anyway because I forced something that wasn’t right. If anything, I was more concerned of Kiko because she was the one hurt the most with what I did.

But still I wouldn’t change what happened because I was happy with my life with Dara.

From my place behind the counter at the coffeshop, I could look across the street and see Dara by her desk at the window. I’d often smile and wave back at her but not today as we were busy.

I’m not sure why but I often find my shifts filled with noisy teenage girls. I don’t mind them acting cute and bubbly but they wouldn’t impress me with ordering only 1 frappe and finishing it after 3 hours. Do they drink like birds? Or when they leave small tips, come on I’m trying to make a living here!

I like the old customers better, silent drinkers but big tippers. But still customers are customers so I try to be polite to them and smile at them.

The manager then called me to carry boxes down to the stockroom as our supplies have arrived.

It was almost lunchtime when I’ve finished and returned to my post, I looked across the street and saw Dara talking to a guy. Are my eyes deceiving me?

She was talking to a guy! What‘s more surprising was that she looked as if she were enjoying. I could see her smiling at him, talking animatedly.  I’ve never seen her talk that way to a guy before. She was always shy and awkward but it seemed that the guy has gotten past her shield.

I was suddenly gripped by an odd feeling in my chest. Jealousy? I’ve thought if I could make Dara realize that I could be more than a friend to her then making her fall in love with me would be easy. And since I am the only guy she hangs out with makes it easier. But it seems I have a rival in this stranger. Has my fear of Dara meeting someone come true?

They were still talking even if it was lunchtime already. Dara would’ve come over by now. I was debating with myself what to do and I couldn’t come up with anything so I decided to just make my way across the street to see things for myself.

“Come on, Dara, it’s time for lunch. I’ve been waiting for you for 15minutes to come over” I said eyeing the guy she’s talking to.

“Oh mianhe! It’s just that we’ve been talking about books and forgot the time.” She apologized.

“By the way, this is Il Woo. He’ll be a senior next term taking Bio as premed. And Il Woo, meet my bestfriend Jiyong.” She said introducing me to him.

We held our gazes, sizing each other (at least I am), not speaking up and shook each others hands. I got a full look at him. He was tall, well-built, good-looking (even as he offered me an awkward smile) in a flower boy kind of way that irritates me. Even his firm but gentle handshake annoys me.

I felt a nudge from Dara at my sides. “Don’t scare him off, Ji. He’s a new friend.”

“Yeah, fine. But I’m already hungry and it’s your fault” I said sourly.

I was surprised to see her looking miffed at me. What did I say wrong?

“I’ll go ahead, Dara. I hope I can catch up with you again. Maybe next time we could hang out and eat? It’ll be my treat.” He said.

Oh the nerve of that guy, really! I was anticipating what Dara’s answer could be. I’m looking into it as a sign that if she accepts that she must like the guy. And if she refuses then I have nothing to worry about. Please say no.

 “Oh sure. I’d love that.” she said.

We came home silent and in a bad mood. Correction, I came home in a bad mood, hungry, tired and worried.

She accepted his invitation. So she likes the guy? If she doesn’t she would have refused right? Or maybe I’m reading too much into this? “Oh sure. I’d love that.” What did she mean?

“I already said sorry.” she said.

Sorry for what? For being late or for accepting that guy’s invitation.

“I’ll treat you to ice cream later.” she bribed.

Oh! She must mean for being late.

“That’s too easy. I was thinking along the lines of manual labor” I said just to annoy her.

“Fine, I’ll do the dishes today and tomorrow” she offered.

“That won’t do” I said.

“Okay, I draw the line at doing your laundry. That’s my final offer” she said.

“No deal” I said.

“What then do you want?” she asked annoyed.

What do I want? I want you not to go out with him. Bu I can’t say that. Suddenly I just felt hungry and tired. I want nothing more than to eat first then to rest my aching body. I suddenly had an idea.

“You could give me a massage later” I said.

She stopped walking and stared at me blankly.

“My back is killing me after they made me carry all those boxes in the storeroom” I explained as I stretched my lower back and shoulders.

She was still staring at me blankly.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” I asked.

Then I saw her cheeks flush. “Wait, are you blushing?!” I exclaimed quite pleased that I do affect her in some way. Maybe she is not so indifferent to me at all.

“No!” she denied.

“Then why are you’re cheeks all red?” I teased.

“I was thinking of Il Woo and how next to him, your body would look puny” she blurted.

Ouch! Did she have to be that brutal?! I walked away from her before I could say something stupid. Something I would regret.

I avoided her the rest of the day, not wanting to speak to her. I was absorbed in my thoughts, all none too happy.

As we readied for bed, she told me she’d massage my back if I still wanted her to. I guess she felt guilty earlier.

“Are you sure? Or would you rather touch Il Woo?” I asked lightly.

“I’m sure I want to help you. And no, I’ve only met Il Woo” she said.

I was lying in bed on my stomach while she straddled my back. She started doing circular motions with her palm and applied pressure using her thumbs sorting out the kinks in my back. I felt myself loosen and relax. 

As she worked on my back, I felt guilty that I was being unfair to her. After all, I promised her that I would support her when the time comes she’ll meet someone.

Maybe this was it. Maybe I was too late.

“Do you like him?” I asked.

“Who? Il Woo?” she asked, sounding confused.

“No, the busboy at the coffeeshop. Of course Il Woo!” I said. Seriously, she’s getting slow.

“Jeez! No need to shout at me.” she shot back before she fell silent.

After sometime she spoke up. “Well, he seems to be a likable guy. Decent, smart, fun to talk with and we both like books.”

“So you like him?” I asked again.

“I think like should be used in the proper context. Do I like him for being a nice guy? Sure. Do I like him to want to see him again? Yes. Do I like him like him? I don’t know. Ask me again after I’ve known him better” she lengthily answered.

I heard like so many times, so maybe she really does like him. “So you do like him.” I said.

Again, another silence from her.

“He does seem like an okay guy. I don’t object to you going out with him, not that you need my permission anyway. Maybe you should give the guy a chance. You’ve done a lot for me. Do you remember what I told you before? It’s time I did the same for you and support you” I said.

As much as I want Dara to fall for me, I don’t want to force myself on her if she likes another guy. I want her love me on her own not because I am the only guy in her life, but because out of the many guys out there, she wants me to be the only guy in her life.

I made up my mind. I’m backing out a little. After all, I’m her bestfriend and a promise is a promise.

I was lying in bed that night with my eyes closed but sleep eluded me. I felt Dara move closer to me again, past her self-declared barrier. We bought know it’s been nonexistent since our first night here what with me always waking up holding her.

I welcomed her in my arms, pleased that at least in her sleep she unconsciously runs to me.

I wish I could be everything for her. I wish I could fill her heart with my love then maybe...

But wishing never did anybody good.

If only I could keep her.  If only moments like this could last forever.

But ‘if only’ never did anybody good either.

And stay with me forever
Or you could stay with me for now
And tell me if I’m wrong
And tell me if I’m right
Tell me if you need a loving hand
To help you fall asleep tonight
Tell me if I know
Tell me if I do
Tell me how to fall in love
The way you want me to

Cos I love the way you wake me up
For goodness sake, will my love not be enough?

 

                                                                           -Cold Coffee, Ed Sheeran