dancing daisy

his daytime shooting star by douxsoleil (a one-shot from 'of wasted breaths and slipping fingers' short story compilation)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • request info — Last Edited: 11/02/2016

Author: douxsoleil

Story Title: his daytime shooting star

Main Personas: Luhan and Yoona

Story Genres: Realistic Fiction, Romance

Story Status: Completed

Story (projected) Length: One-shot

Story Description: for Yoona is his daytime shooting star, in which she glimmers like no one ever could.

Reviewer:dancingdaisy 

Comments: a pleasant and gratifying read, really refreshing and beautiful! And a really neat and unique writing style!!

Story Title (5/5)

Posted by: DANCINGDAISY • grading — Last Edited: 11/02/2016

I really like how everything from 'of wasted breaths and slipping fingers' is just so self-invented and creative, right to your story title and chapter headings. I'm quite nonplussed that you abandoned the common 'one-word' or 'creative and stylish' way of putting one's story title. I'm actually surprised you made used of a pronoun in your story title at all. Nevertheless, that is exactly what brings your story title a sense of 'belonging' to readers. It made me questioned, who's he? Luhan? Is Yoona Luhan's 'daytime shooting star? All the more, it made me really curious and really piqued my interest. And after reading, the title was present in the story text itself. It really helped etched the sort of 'message' or theme you wanted to bring across.

Description and Foreword (9/10)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading— Last Edited: 11/02/2016

At first, the description gave me a sort of cliché feeling – like the typical love, coming-of-age and friendship short stories, or possibly the stereotypical and traditional chicken-soup-tales – and that itself, could be a potentially turn off for some readers. Just some. However, I had – as you might had quite guessed – put my faith and believe in the author, for the last sentence 'these stories, i hope, will remind me of the bright things of a teenage life. and of course, for you all' struck me dumb like radium for a second. I was just thinking indeed, I want to get enlightened by this bold author who threatens to beat my sensitivity and emotional-scale-of-a-soap-opera to a pulp. 

Okay. Jokes aside. Your description was as above mentioned and at the same time, hands-down really sweet. It gives readers something to relate to and have a bearing on. You also made used of introduction of characters and a quote, which pretty much lures any fans and illuminate the theme of your story to readers.

Appearance (10/10)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 11/02/2016

• Poster and Background (5/5)

You didn't own any posters in your story but used pictures instead. In a way, I think it did bring across the message of the story. The classy, simple and plain layout might be stimulating to some readers, but all the same, it might be simply boring and fails to attract readers. To me, however, I just love the classic style. ;> Hence, my current layout...

• Font-size and Readability (5/5)

The font size and style are both perfect. I love small texts. They look so adorable. I read on my laptop so they don't look too tiny. I'm not sure of the readability on phones. Still, to some readers, I understand that it could be a strain on them as it could be too small.

Plot Development (36/40)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 11/02/2016

• Originality (9/10)

Like I said in the story title, the whole story is really self-invented. Nonetheless, I have to say: this one-shot might be too short of a length for me to really judge from. Still, the whole concept is quite original.

• Setting, Theme and Mood of the story (19/20)

The setting of the story was introduced in a way where it is very clear cut. It follows the time lapses of the story as well. As common knowledge, different environment/climate and timeframe for each season was stated. It helps readers to visualize and at the same time grasp hold of when something is happening.

Since the whole story is relatively short, it only touches and go with the associated themes. As listed in your description, it is apparent that the major themes in the story are love, coming-of-age, friendship and more. As for 'his daytime shooting star', I can see that it concerns on love and friendship. It is vague on the latter theme though. It seems that Kai had somehow, in the past, betrayed and backstabbed Luhan.

kai can do anything to anyone, pick them and throw them away like unused toys when he no longer needs them. but not to him (again).​

As for love, it is thoroughly explained and shown throughout the whole story. Through dialogue, tone, narrative and feelings.

"my heart is beating so fast, lu"she chortles, like a child's laughter in the beginning of june.​

(and for that, luhan doesn't want yoona to end up like him, monochrome and sad)

that is one of the reasons why yoona like so many things about him. she could define him in colours, unlike people nowadays that are nothing but a mix of pretentious actions and empty hearts. even when luhan is a mix of dark things, he is her moon. the one thing that shines in the dark so brightly when everything vanishes to the air on her dark days.

and eventually, the star meets the moon and together, they complete each other's loneliness.

The mood of the story is a relaxed one with some slight and short angst. Like the part when Kai asked Luhan to introduce him to Yoona and he got annoyed.Otherwise, the whole story revolves around Luhan and Yoona's love story and is constantly in a calm and collected mood.

• Consistency and Flow (8/10)

Perhaps because of its short length, regardless it's a one-shot, it was a bit too short and it just felt like the adventure was just beginning when it came to an end. To put it another way, it seemed quite like an anticlimax.

Character Development (13/15)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 11/02/2016

• Point of View Used (5/5)

You used a third person's point of view and had no sudden switches of point of views. Because that is what some authors on AFF often fault on, and I find it really annoying and confusing of who's point of view I'm reading from. There are real cases when that had happened.

• Evolution of the Characters (8/10)

As much as I'm concerned, since it's a one-shot, it is sometimes hard to see any character development in the story. However, it is not impossible. Authors can still show the evolution of the characters if he or she is able to present them in a way that by the end of the story, they become better or for the worse.

In your story, I don't see much character development. Except that Luhan turns out to be a little more caring and loving towards Yoona as it is evident that he was 'ignoring' her earlier. Having said that, this section can still be improved on.

Grammar and Writing Style (13/15)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading— Last Edited: 11/02/2016

• Grammatical Errors (4/5)

There aren't a lot of grammatical errors that would in anyway disrupt my reading. However, I did spot one:

but she is burnt and broken to the bones by all the lifes she had not live​

The plural noun of 'life', as I've checked it up on the dictionary and thesaurus, it would be 'lives' not 'lifes'.

• Choice of words and use of language (9/10)

I absolutely love the way you personify things. It amazes me how you can create such smooth phrases and sentences while personifying the flowers and skies.

he smiles and she fell, all over again for him. like how some flowers bend with the rainfall, and how the sky wishes to touch the earth.​

And the most significant of all, the whole metaphorical sense of the story title, the crux of the story. How Yoona is Luhan's daytime shooting star and how Luhan represents the moon.

and eventually, the star meets the moon and together, they complete each other's loneliness.​

General Evaluation / Over-all Enjoyment (5/5)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading— Last Edited: 11/02/2016

I was reading this while listening to Taeyeon's Rain, and it just somehow helped me sunk into the mood of the story. (I'm totally not trying to promote that song shhh)

And though there are many areas to be improved on, this is probably the shortest request I've read up til now xD And while it is really refreshening, I really enjoyed it. Will definitely read the rest of the chapters ;>

Total Grade (91/100)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 11/02/2016

► 91%

Since your total grade meets the requirement of 90 and above, your story will be added to our shop's archive! 

Thank you for requesting! Do request again! It was a pleasure to review your story, it definitely has a great potential.

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