dancing daisy

Mission Hero 202 by missminsung

Posted by: dancingdaisy • request info — Last Edited: 20/02/2016

Author: MissMinSung

Story Title: Mission Hero 202

Main Personas: Kim JaeJoong & Jung Yunho 

Story Genres: Crime/Detective/Mystery, Realistic Fiction, Romance

Story Status: On-going

Story (projected) Length: Novel/Novella Length (chaptered)

Story Description: The story is centered on JaeJoong, a North Korean orphan, who will come to be one of the youngest colonels in the history. We sent him on a mission called Mission Hero 202. Our purpose is to kill all the spies sent to South Korea under Kim JongIl's power. In South Korea, he will have to infiltrate a special force by integrating the best team whose captain is Yunho. They slowly fall into the trap of forbidden love...

Reviewer: dancingdaisy 

Comments: I'll be beta-reading Mission Hero 202 straightaway after posting this.

Story Title (4/5)

Posted by: DANCINGDAISY • grading — Last Edited: 20/02/2016

I really like that you gave the 'mission' a name. Because, as I observed, most authors would probably go for something vague and bland like 'The Secret Mission' or something along that line. Since you gave it a special name of 'Mission Hero 202', it gives readers that curiosity and pique of interest of what heroic actions that the protagonist might make to call it a 'hero' mission.

However, I'm still quite unsure why there's a '202' at the back. Is it simply the number of missions that Kim Jong-un has given out? (that's awfully a lot) Or is there a significant reason why? Perhaps it's due to the fact that it's still an on-going fanfic, so I will not dwell on this too much.

Description and Foreword (7/10)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading— Last Edited: 20/02/2016

Your description only compromises of an extract and quote from the story itself. By itself, the quote is quite crucial and I think it does spark the reader's interest. However, I think more could be added in, like your own summary and description of the story. This would help readers understand better and dissipate any potential confusion.

And in your Foreword, you mentioned about being inspired by numerous Korean dramas and movies of North Korean spies. (Personally, 'Brotherhood' is the saddest.) 

Appearance (10/10)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 20/02/2016

• Poster and Background (5/5)

The poster and background is absolutely beautiful. It suits bloody gory work of a soldier, and the smokey effect contributes to the overall tension and murky present.

Sorry. Pardon for a second, omg Jaejoong smoking is just too hot to handle.

• Font-size and Readability (5/5)

I have no problem with the font size or style. The readability is great as well. I don't have any problems with too bright (neon) or tiny fonts that'll affect my reading.

Plot Development (28/40)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 20/02/2016

• Originality (5/10)

Like you had mentioned in your foreword, this story isn't quite original as many fanfics out there have the same genre and maybe somewhere along the same plot.

• Setting, Theme and Mood of the story (15/20)

The setting of the story was introduced in a way where it is very clear cut. The specific timeframe was mentioned. It helps readers to visualize and at the same time grasp hold of when something is happening. You introduced the story during winter:

Winter, 1996, region of Ryanggan

The snows covered the landscape

Since the story isn't fully developed yet, it is hard to identify its themes yet. As listed in your description, it is apparent that the major themes in the story are love, detective (and more minor ones). For this, the latter is more apparent at the rising action of the story:

​You are gathered here today to be a part of a new special military force. You will be trained by the best in the hopes that you become the best as well. Your are commited to serve me, but the grand purpose is to also serve the republic!​

The mood of the story is an suspenseful one with trepidation and distressing events happening throughout the story. 

• Consistency and Flow (8/10)

The story jumped from Jaejoong being a little boy to a man in just the first chapter. All that he goes through were not mentioned. It does give the readers a curious effect, but at the same time, it felt like a big gaping hole is present during the missing period. 

Still, the old traditional way of 'eighteen years later' has its own benefits. It is still considered as a convention.

Character Development (14/15)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 16/02/2016

• Point of View Used (5/5)

You used a third person's POV, which is great as it allows me to see the whole picture. However, I'm also quite curious about Jaejoong's POV. What he would feel at a particular moment? What went through his mind?

• Evolution of the Characters (9/10)

I could definitely see the character development in the story! From a frightened little boy, Jaejoong grew up to be a strong fearless man. This is crucial because it's not just that he is the protagonist, but because he's the representation of how orphaned or homeless kids are kidnapped into training for some secret organization would turn out.

Grammar and Writing Style (2/15)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading— Last Edited: 16/02/2016

• Grammatical Errors (1/5)

There are too many grammatical errors that it made reading really awkward and uncomfortable for me. All I could recall was wierd sentence structures, wrong contextual spelling, missing or misuse of punctuations and unawareness of tense.

I am aware of the fact that English is not your first language, but since I'll be beta-reading this story I won't worry too much about this. However, what I'm worried about is that you can't always rely on a beta-reader to improve your story... Sure you have the ideas/concepts and ecetra, but at the end of the day it is still best if it comes from you yourself. 

The advice here is: English may or may not be your first language, but how well you use it to your advantage is important as it adds up to your writing style. Seek to always improve your English and really study hard in terms of grammar and vocabulary.

• Choice of words and use of language (1/10)

These are the key words: Diction. Purity. Propriety. Precision.

It is the object of every writer to put his thoughts into as effective form as possible so as to make a good impression on the reader. A person may have noble thoughts and ideas but be unable to express them in such a way as to appeal to others.

The purity of writing style consists in using words which are reputable, national and present, which means that the words are in current use by the best authorities, that they are used throughout the nation and not confined to one particular part, and that they are words in constant use at the present time. There are two guiding principles in the choice of words,— good use and good taste. Good use tells us whether a word is right or wrong; good taste, whether it is adapted to our purpose or not.

There are numerous times when I had read a word that was totally out of place. 

While the men spanked closer of them, the little boy stumbled and spread out in the snow, the older child tried to raise his younger junior, but this one had no more strength.​

The definition of 'spank' (I can't stop laughing but you'll find out why soon), is to slap someone's . At first I thought there might be some other meaning behind that word that I didn't know of, and when I went to check: 

spank
/spaŋk/
verb
1. slap with one's open hand or a flat object, especially on the buttocks as a punishment.​

There you go. I literally guffawed when I read that sentence. And so I went to search again and discovered that the intransitive verb of 'spank' means to move briskly or spiritedly. But the problem here is (as I'd mentioned above) that you need to make use of a word that is easy for people to understand. How people usually describes moving briskly or quickly would be to 'advance on' or 'draw nearer'. And rather than saying that the little boy 'spread out in the snow', you could put it as 'sprawled onto the icy snow'. 

While the men drew nearer towards the children, the little boy stumbled and sprawled onto the icy snow. An older younster tried to assist the boy, but had had not enough strength left in him from the ruthless chase of the soldiers.​

Advice: You should want it to be an easy feat for readers when writing your story to have a fluent and eloquent effect. Give things/weather/feelings/actions an description, not a flowery one but something sufficient enough to give readers a pleasant imagination.

General Evaluation / Over-all Enjoyment (3/5)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading— Last Edited: 16/02/2016

There are definitely many areas that can be improved on, especially the grammar and writing style section. But rest assured. Since I'll be beta-reading it after this, be sure to check out your original work and my edited ones to compare and learn from there. You might have forgotten this advice but I'll just repeat and stress that this is really important: English may or may not be your first language, but how well you use it to your advantage is important as it adds up to your writing style. Seek to always improve your English and really study hard in terms of grammar and vocabulary.

 I hope my bits of advice have helped you on a large scale and may your future writings be more fruitful! ;>

Total Grade (68/100)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 20/02/2016

► 68%

Thank you for requesting! Do request again! It was a pleasure to review your story, it definitely has a great potential.

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