dancing daisy

Life by pahunslollipop

Posted by: dancingdaisy • request info — Last Edited: 24/02/2016

Author: Pashunslollipop

Story Title: Life

Main Personas: Tao and Kris

Story Genres: Humor/Crack, Romance

Story Status: On-going

Story (projected) Length: Novel/Novella Length (chaptered)

Story Description: Well, everyone knows what's expected of them, right? WELL sadly, not a lot of us do. Take Tao for example: Average, Athletic, Loves cake, and is gay...... Yeah, that would stir some things up. Luckily, we live in 2015, where everyone (well mostly everyone) is open-minded and doesn't give 2 pieces of cake about who others date.

Tao has a relatively easy life, has parents who love him and accept him, siblings who would do anything to protect him ( I mean he may be " Kung Fu Panda", but he's a panda nonetheless), amazing friends who would do anything and nothing for him (......... Best Friends!).

Then there's the new kid, Kris.


Reviewer: aki-nakahara

Comments: I like TaoRis, I really do and I think that even if there may not exist such a thing as "perfect", it doesn't hurt to always keep improving. Don't lose faith.

Story Title (3/5)

Posted by: DANCINGDAISY • grading — Last Edited: 24/02/2016

Your title, bluntly put, is very dull and vague. Life is a very broad topic and quite frankly, your story could be covering anything about or in life. At first glance, it's a block bold statement that leaves no room for thought and when I looked over it after I read it, I can see how you link it to your story but honestly now, it doesn't leave a very strong impression on your story.

Description and Foreword (9/10)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading— Last Edited: 24/02/2016

It's messy. You started off your description with the phrase "Well, everyone knows what's expected from them, right? WELL sadly, not a lot of us do" but then you proceeded to describe Tao and talk about things that had nothing to do with your first phrase. I would suggest somehow linking that first sentence to something else later in your description, it could clean it up a bit more. Also in that sentence, I believe that saying "expected of them" to be more accurate with the meaning you are trying to convey. There are more problems further on such as using "doesn't" instead of "don't" or using a tilde in the middle of a sentence (please refrain from using tildes). When you said "I mean he may be 'Kung Fu Panda', but he's a panda nonetheless", the second clause really wasn't necessary with how you structured your sentence; but putting emphasis on the "Kung Fu" will alter the semantics and clear this up easily. He isn't actually a "Kung Fu Panda", he is known as or referred to as being a "Kung Fu Panda". That "best friends" interjection is also a bit late, you could put it directly after "friends" and in between em dashes.
 

The foreword is short, very short. Truth be told, the reader doesn't really tend to care if the story is your second, fifty-fourth or hundredth fan fiction; they only care about that kind of remark if it's your first attempt. It's endearing to know it's your second fan fiction but unnecessary.
You kept the foreword very brief and while you may have gone off rambling a bit in the description, you reveal close to nothing about the actual story. Thus, leaving us hanging. Interesting. From what else we can glean from your description and foreword is that it appears to be that your story will be lighter, leaning towards the rom-com and fluff angle of fan fiction. I like the angle that you approached it with.

Appearance (8/10)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 24/02/2016

• Poster and Background (4/5)

I have no idea what to think of your poster. I didn't really see its link to the story except for the fact that it had photos of Yifan and Tao. The color scheme of your background clashed a bit with that of the poster. The background itself is simple, it's not too distracting and seems to fit perfectly fine.
On a side note, please don't put photos in the middle of a chapter unless absolutely necessary. You have descriptive writing for that.

• Font-size and Readability (4/5)

The font and size of the body text are fine. However, I would recommend not making your author's notes bold and of a bigger text size; it distracted me as I was reading. The main content is the body and your notes are what they are: notes. I will say though that for a mobile reader, your layout isn’t exactly the best. Those tildes you use as dividers form paragraphs according to the screen size of the reader’s device; just be careful.

Plot Development (23/40)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 24/02/2016

• Originality (4/10)

Your story is clichéd: you've got the classic new transfer student trope and I'm not seeing anything that's really setting aside your story from the rest. I'm afraid you lost points for that.

• Setting, Theme and Mood of the story (14/20)

The overall mood is not in the least serious. It's very playful and perhaps too much so for reality. At this point, I can't deduce whether you are aiming for your story to be character-driven or plot-driven. There is very little material to go with thus far. Also, I can find a clear theme in your writing. You seem to be winging and writing pretty much anything and it's a bit messy. It might help to develop a clear plot with something different and interesting — that will be executed realistically — and work on.
 

So far in terms of story settings, they've only been at school and at the café. The story's been progressing quite fast — unlike the beginning in which the first three episode are practically the entirety of one school day — and perhaps sometime later you will switch up this mood for a more emotional one. It would be a nice touch.

• Consistency and Flow (5/10)

The action has been happening very fast and it's quick-paced but little is actually happening. It's not realistic in the way it's paced, I'm afraid. The truth is is that I'm feeling no plot. There are events that I'm just looking at, taking apart and wondering how they even took place. Slow down and add more; that's my advice to you.

Character Development (9/15)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 24/02/2016

• Point of View Used (4/5)

You stuck with the first person and it's consistent throughout your story. Quite frankly, Tao isn't very thrilling right now to view the story through and maybe one day you will give us insight into Yifan's mind. Nonetheless, I see no issues with this.

• Evolution of the Characters (5/10)

I'm supposed to like Tao but I don't. He's not very relatable. I actually find him quite immature for his age. Sure, he acts as a comedic protagonist as he falls head over heels for Yifan. He's a clear character — this is good — and I would recommend developing something about him that will him endearing to us. I don't really feel anything for Yifan either. They're both bland. In your story, I'm not seeing much character development. Everything's in the form of a wishy-washy plot.

Grammar and Writing Style (13/15)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading— Last Edited: 24/02/2016

• Grammatical Errors (4/5)

Be careful with tenses and punctuation. You made a few slip-ups and mistakes but your grammar seems to be relatively fine. With a quick proofread, I'm sure you can identify the mistakes and fix them. Your actual style, however, I can't really detect. It's not particularly compelling but not boring either.

• Choice of words and use of language (9/10)

Everything is so simple. The vocabulary you used is far from outstanding but it isn't that bad either. It might be nice to pick-up a dictionary or go online and spice up your language. You know how to use the words that you already know so now your task is increasing the number of words that you know. If you're holding back for some unknown reason, don't. Hone your skill.

General Evaluation / Over-all Enjoyment (3/5)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading— Last Edited: 24/02/2016

You know how to use the language and write but now it's time to really bend it to your advantage. Although I didn't enjoy myself quite as much as I should have because your story may have been technically correct but it was plain. I was left wanting more and feeling dissatisfied, which is really a pity. Nonetheless, don't let this discourage you. Let it be food for thought and I wish you all the best in future pieces.

Total Grade (68/100)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 24/02/2016

► 68%

Thank you for requesting! Do request again! It was a pleasure to review your story, it definitely has a great potential.

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