dancing daisy

Talking Eyes by mialafreve

Posted by: dancingdaisy • request info — Last Edited: 02/01/2016

Author: mialafreve

Story Title: Talking Eyes

Main Personas: Lee Yun Mi (OC), GDragon, TOP, Park Bom

Story Genres: Drama, Realistic Fiction,  Romance

Story Status: Completed

Story (projected) Length: Novel/Novella

Story Description: Love and lies most of the time walk together. And Yumi is trying to learn how to lie properly, but she fail everytime, cause of her way too honest eyes. She has to improve fast though, because there's her life on the line.

[revised version: Love and lies, for most of the time, comes together. And Yunmi is trying to learn how to lie properly, but, she fails every time, and it is due to her deceiving eyes. However, she has to improve fast, because her life on the line.]

Reviewer: dancingdaisy 

Comment: Overall, your story is great and all. But there is just one major flaw, and that is your grammar and writing style. I suggest getting a beta-reader to help you improve your story.

On another note, I was appalled you didn't mark your story under RATED M, or, at least, the chapters that contain adult content. It's not pleasant for readers getting stumped after reading some explicit material or crude and indecent language before forewarned. Here're the AFF Restricted Content regulations if you haven't heard of it: restricted #1 & restricted #4.

Story Title (4/5)

Posted by: DANCINGDAISY • grading — Last Edited: 02/01/2016

For the most part of your story, I think your story title does fit into the context. However, if you're talking about some other diversions, e.g. story between TOP and Bom from either's POV, it might not have any link with the story title. At this point, I want to apologize for not reading the whole story, but I will get to that in a moment.

I like how the protagonist gets to relate to the story title through her own way – having to lie to the world about her feelings, relationship with Jiyong and all throughout the story. It is hard for Yunmi to lie because her eyes always betray her due to her overwhelming feelings inside her. I'm sure everyone generally gets how that feels like – to be vulnerable.

Generally, it is a well-thought out story title. It does pique a reader's interest. However, it might also have a little defect in it to serve its full purpose of summarizing the whole story, but I think all you need to do is to work on is to be succinct throughout the whole story. And I'll get to that later as well.

Description and Foreword (7/10)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading— Last Edited: 02/01/2016

I think your description is short and sweet, with a quote, a brief prologue, and a one-line summary. However, it could be a little too vague for some readers. I suggest summarizing the story on the whole. In the sense that readers will know what your story is distinctly about, what the topic or theme your story touches on. That way, more readers will be safely attracted to read on instead of plunging into darkness without knowing what is ahead of them.

As for your foreword, you introduced your story characters in a profile-like manner. Not trying to rub up the wrong way, but I think some extra details are really unnecessary. In my opinion, like how you added their birthday or siblings, it is needless to say that nobody will probably bother to read them anyways. But instead, I suggest that you can introduce these 'sibling' characters in the story and not just plainly stating them in the foreword.

Appearance (8/10)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 02/01/2016

• Poster and Background (5/5)

I think your poster is hands-down gorgeous, I have no problems with it! And I like how the featured model has those eyes that speak for itself! The background is pretty too, and not at all distracting or whatsoever.

• Font-size and Readability (3/5)

This part is something that's worth to bring to your attention because I noticed that your story chapters have different font-sizes and it could be quite disturbing ;< As for your readability, sometimes there're words that are highlighted in strong and bright colors (neon yellow/blue) that could make readers hard to read them.

Plot Development (22/40)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 02/01/2016

• Originality (6/10)

Although there're many stories out there on AFF or even fan fictions in general that touches upon the protagonist being a celebrity/model/famous person getting into a scandal with another celebrity/model/famous person, I would like to commend your story for anchoring a bit more on Yunmi's struggles and journey through her problems.

Nonetheless, I still think it is not as original as it could've been. You could've added a bit more interesting plot or happenings, or maybe a plot twist in it. It is predictable that Yunmi and Jiyong were striving to be together, but if you were to come up with a twisted ending or somewhere in the story, like an unexpected turn of events, e.g. Jiyong getting into a not-so-normal car-crash or Yunmi discovering that one of her bandmates has a crush on her, it would have been more effective.

If you can't do plot twist, then maybe add a bit more flavor in your story, e.g. Yunmi and Jiyong got stranded in a city after filming a music video or sth, something that hooks people, something that readers would be flummoxed over and read on.

• Setting, Theme and Mood of the story (11/20)

The setting of the story is rather unsettling (the word play though) because it does not support the contents of the story on the whole. You explained about the cause of Yunmi's parents' death, and how she proceeded to get back on life after suffering from depression and catching her dream. That itself could have been a better backbone of a story than yours currently. You could've elaborated more on these happenings. Take an instance, how exactly did the car crash happened (was it a truck/car/taxi that hit them? did the driver pay them compensation? was it a hit-and-run situation?), how Yunmi felt at that point of time (feelings of hopelessness, grief or pain) and what she thought about it afterward (does she blame herself for it? or does she reproach her parents because she thinks they are the one at fault?). You could've talked more about these stuff than jumping into her dream-career all at once. Maybe if you did, then you could slowly proceed into her career as a YG singer.

Usually, it is up to the readers to explore a theme of a literary work by analyzing characters, plot and other literary devices. As for me, I could not identify it right away, but I think it is somewhere between love and affection and the minor themes would be friendship and dream. And these are frequently occurring themes in literature. They generate emotional twists and turns in a narrative and can lead to a variety of endings: happy, sad or bittersweet. And I could see that yours fall under the first category in which the protagonist and Jiyong are together in the end. The presentation of themes in stories may vary to different authors/poets. A writer may express a theme through the feelings of his main character about the subject he has chosen to write about. Similarly, themes are presented through thoughts and conversations of different characters. Moreover, the experiences of the main character in the course of a literary work give us an idea about its theme. Finally, the actions and events taking place in a narrative are consequential in determining its theme. However, in your case, it is mostly applied to the second-mentioned and might sometimes be irrelevant at all. Like a story with no specific purpose or goals, unplanned and unprepared. In other words, I think there are many occasions of inconsequential balderash and I see almost no 'Story Goal'.

In literature, the mood is a literary element that evokes certain feelings or vibes in readers through words and descriptions. Usually, the mood is referred to as the atmosphere of a literary piece, as it creates an emotional situation that surrounds the readers. Mood is developed in a literary piece through various methods. It can be developed through setting, theme, tone and diction. And as far as I'm concerned, there is no mood created through your plain choice of diction and the occasional disruptive tones of some characters. But I think I did sense the depressing mood of sorrow and woe portrayed in your setting.

• Consistency and Flow (5/10)

I could identify this one almost immediately when I've read the first few chapters… Talking Eyes is a slow-paced story, where the events and happenings that take place are written in an almost exhausting speed. There is an immense amount of dialogues and descriptions going on in your story. 

Character Development (9/15)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 02/01/2016

• Point of View Used (4/5)

While the general rule is for novels to adopt a single approach to a point of view throughout the novel's entirety, it is not mandatory to conform to this rule. Many stories, especially in literature, alternate between the third person limited and third person omniscient. In your case, your story is told in a "first-person limited" (in which the reader is "limited" to the thoughts of some character) for much of the whole story, but deviates to omniscient in that it switches the limited view to other characters from time to time, rather than only the protagonist. I like how I am able to look at different point of views.

• Evolution of the Characters (5/10)

I don't see a lot of character development in the story. 

Grammar and Writing Style (6/15)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading— Last Edited: 02/01/2016

• Grammatical Errors (2/5)

There is so much I want to comment on about in this Grammar and Writing Style section that I don't know where to begin. And to prevent this from being a page long, I'll try to minimize what I'm about to voice upon.

To start off, I would like to bring to your attention that there are so many grammatical errors. In terms of contextual spelling, grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, and style. [The last-mentioned will be further elaborated in the next part-section.] I don't know for you, but, it is really disturbing for me to read your story when there're so many blunders. Frankly, it's quite bothersome and made me feel… put off. I am aware of the fact that English is not your first language, but I suggest you can get a beta-reader to help ameliorate your story.

The advice here is: English may or may not be your first language, but how well you use it to your advantage is important as it adds up to your writing style.

• Choice of words and use of language (4/10)

These are the key words: Diction. Purity. Propriety. Precision.

It is the object of every writer to put his thoughts into as effective form as possible so as to make a good impression on the reader. A person may have noble thoughts and ideas but be unable to express them in such a way as to appeal to others.

The purity of writing style consists in using words which are reputable, national and present, which means that the words are in current use by the best authorities, that they are used throughout the nation and not confined to one particular part, and that they are words in constant use at the present time. There are two guiding principles in the choice of words,— good use and good taste. Good use tells us whether a word is right or wrong; good taste, whether it is adapted to our purpose or not.

A word that is obsolete or too new to have gained a place in the language, or that is a provincialism, should not be used. In your case, it would be the use of foreign words. This is especially important because if you don't know the Korean language well or sufficiently, then don't attempt to use it at all. Who knows, someone who does know that language happened to perceive it? You could have been using inaccurate words and wrong phrases. And there's bound to be k-pop fans who don't know much about the Korean language either. As for Italian, I get that you do explain those in your story, but, if you purge all the fuss with Italian writings or Korean phrases, you could have resulted in a more proportionate paragraph with prudent and wise elements.

I think the main problem over here is your use of language. I think there are just too many dialogues and interchange going on in your story, and many little "immoderate" descriptions, almost making it seem like an elementary school level of writing. But in order to avoid that, you can always shorten and summarize your paragraphs in an effective way. Only put up important and significant conversations that, without it, your story just can't go on. For example, take an instance from your story: "I took a long shower, put my favorite skin cream on, combed my hair and put some decent clothes on. A simple pair of black leggings, a long-sleeved denim t-shirt,  and a pair of cute blue All-Stars with white laces." of chapter three. There're many dispensable words or phrases that you could have taken away. A revised version would be: "I came out of the shower, fresh, cleaned and clad in a simple outfit."

What I actually liked about your story is how simple and everyday-life your choice of words are – although they could be improved on nonetheless – it made reading easy and accessible. Preteens and teens from the age of nine would probably be able to understand, which is an advantage, of course. 

All in all, there are just too many excessive details that you could've discarded and eliminate. A simple and daily process like brushing your teeth, doing your homework or even dressing up could all be avoided. And if this aspect of your story is improved upon, I can garandtee you that it would be more pleasant to read.

General Evaluation / Over-all Enjoyment (3/5)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading— Last Edited: 02/01/2016

For the most part, I did enjoy myself while reading. It's quite exciting to read about the interactions between Yunmi and Jiyong. I actually anticipated at some parts of the story – which is a good sign. However, a number of errors and blunders took some of the fun out of it. I usually enjoy reading a more literary fiction-like stories, in school and assignments, but I'm sure there are readers out there who enjoy sweet-detailed and slow-paced stories like yours where every miniscule attribute are being described. They would probably have enjoyed it much more than I did.

But to look on the brighter side, it's always good to receive different views and clashing ideas on your story. That way, you can improve your story more effectively and efficiently! 

Total Grade (59/100)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 02/01/2016

► 59%

A brilliant start, but the rising action, and ending can still be worked on, nonetheless! And please take particular note on the grammar and writing style part. I cannot stress just how important grammar and vocabulary is, and how even more crucial it is in terms of written works. I hope my bits of advice have helped you on a large scale and may your future writings be more fruitful! ;>

Thank you for requesting! Do request again! It was a pleasure to review your story, it definitely has a great potential. Don’t forget to credit us!
Upvotes are absolutely welcomed! c;

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