⌫ Ambivalent by twenty-six
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Ambivalent by twenty-six
Posted by: dancingdaisy • request info — Last Edited: 10/02/2016
Author: twenty-six
Story Title: Ambivalent
Main Personas: Moonchaewon, Songjoongki, Leejongsuk
Story Genres: Friendship, Sliceoflife
Story Status: Completed
Story (projected) Length: One-shot
Story Description: Three childhood friends ran a trio of almost everything including love. But Chaewon was a woman who capable of loving only one of them...
Reviewer: aki-nakahara
Comments: n/a
Story Title (4/5)
Posted by: DANCINGDAISY • grading — Last Edited: 10/02/2016
The word “ambivalent” is indeed quite a lovely word and does spark some curiosity in the reader. Although your title is directly linked to your story’s theme and one gets an idea of what your story is about immediately, there are quite a number of stories with the same title. This, in itself, takes away from some of the interest that the reader may have in your story if they were to pick from the story’s title alone.
Description and Foreword (9/10)
Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading— Last Edited: 10/02/2016
Your foreword reveals nothing about the actual content of the story, which is pleasing and you merely enlightened us in the description about what your story would be about.
I do have to say that from your description, I got the feeling that your story was going to be another cliché love triangle story between friends. This lowered the level of interest I had gotten from your title and that was a bit of a let-down. I would suggest adding something perhaps exclusive to your story so as to set it (your story) apart from all the others with the same theme. Other than that, there are no issues.
Appearance (9/10)
Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 10/02/2016
• Poster and Background (5/5)
I love your poster. It’s very simple but very dream-like. It fits your story and the colors in your poster don’t clash with those in your story. Your background is lovely and it fits your color scheme. It didn’t distract me from the actual story content and was aesthetically pleasing. I’m not sure what your background is but it may be interesting if somehow it had a link to the story itself.
• Font-size and Readability (4/5)
As always, your layouts are superb and are custom designed to fit your story. The color scheme is pleasant and constant throughout the entire piece of work. It wasn’t too difficult to read and the size of the font color did not place any strain on the eyes. The pink background of your text is a bit too dark, which made the contrast smaller and I recommend perhaps lightening that shade a teensy bit. What might also be nice is perhaps adjusting the style of the subheading so that there is a visible difference.
The floral background with sparrows in your “credit” section of your foreword doesn’t match the rest of the layout so maybe you could adjust that. It's not a major issue but it wouldn't hurt to fix it.
Plot Development (36/40)
Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 10/02/2016
• Originality (7/10)
Like I've already mentioned before, the concept of your story is a familiar one that many are accustomed to. This in itself takes away greatly from your story’s originality and I failed to see anything that perhaps gave it a differentiating factor. This story is clear and it’s beautiful but it’s lacking in this section.
• Setting, Theme and Mood of the story (20/20)
It's a very melancholic story with a dreamy, brooding mood. It's soft and dealing with character-driven aspects of such a story while remaining quite detached. The story focuses on the memories of this girl and we witness flashbacks and setting changes. I am confused as to where the first memory is. You said the brothers were blowing bubbles on the “bleaches”? Bleach is a chemical and to bleach something is to lighten a material via sunlight or with bleach. Just be careful.
• Consistency and Flow (9/10)
Your execution is beautiful, as always, and there is this distinct flow of yours that is always conveyed. It’s natural and smooth, rolling along nicely. The brothers have lovely chemistry and the flashback scene at the beginning is bliss. I have to say, though, you edited your story and added quite a bit in. Despite the fact that these corrections were made to make the story and Chaewon more realistic, it conflicted with your writing style. Some details seem a bit forced and the story is stuttering a bit in the last scene.
The last scene was supposed to be the most important, it appeared; but it was anticlimactic and while they may have arrived at a reasonable ending, the journey there was a bit messy.
Character Development (12/15)
Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 10/02/2016
• Point of View Used (5/5)
Taking into consideration the angle you’ve approached this story, it’s nicely done. It’s not confusing; we’re being told the story entirely from Chaewon’s point of view.
• Evolution of the Characters (7/10)
I'm sorry to say but Chaewon's character seemed very unnatural to me. Her character clashes with itself and seems very fake. I read your story before you added these extra parts about her and I am aware that before, she was a very detached and blasé person. That too, was unrealistic in the situation she was in but now, these changes you’ve made are conflicting with your writing style as well. Whereas before she had a clear set character, now she’s confusing and her behavior doesn’t make too much sense.
In parts, she’s acting quite mature but in others, she’s stuttering so much, we can barely get the gist of what she’s saying. Yes, she just got proposed to but the type of reactions she gives elsewhere give us the impression of a different person altogether. The actions she made can make sense but not with whom she is as she stands. She’s the main character and the mood of the story would fit her but now, a pity since she is the main character, she’s not at all relatable.
I love Joongki. He’s broken, he’s audacious, he’s determined but muddled. I like the way you captured his extreme suffering at the loss of his brother. It illustrates clearer in our minds the strong bond the two had. His cool exterior is just a broken mask for his turmoil inside. Well done.
Jongsuk was also pretty well constructed and his actions were fitting with the glimpse of him we see. The brothers, you brought them well together but Chaewon seems like such a patchwork addition. This can be beneficial and what you’re aiming for but right now, not helping her status as the main character (and our narrator) in the least.
I know you’re really good at creating characters and the brothers are two fine examples so I have faith in you that Chaewon can become something beautiful.
Grammar and Writing Style (10/15)
Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading— Last Edited: 10/02/2016
• Grammatical Errors (3/5)
Grammar is easily the bane of every writer's existence. Your grammar is good but I noticed a number of mistakes which, without a doubt, can be corrected. They are not too major and with re-reading, they can be spotted and easily fixed.
• Choice of words and use of language (7/10)
This sentence was confusing: “I hated it when someone died, their words lingered at one corner without any chance of control over them. Memories cursed as it regenerated, and layouting this occult bleed inside our hearts...but it was only after eight months of Jongsuk’s death that all these became a phenomenal hit to me."
A revised version would be: "I hated that when someone died, their words would linger in a corner of one's mind, without any chance of dispelling them. Memories cursed — as they would rekindle this occult bleeding inside our hearts, but it was only eight months after Jongsuk's death that this hit me."
I have just a few things to say about the suggestions I made. When you said "at one corner", we can deduce that you are talking about the corner being in somebody's mind but clarifying it wouldn't hurt and gives the sentence a bit more flow. Moving onto the next sentence, "memories" isn't singular and I'm not quite sure if the word "regenerated" is the right word. A reminder, "layouting" is not a real word. It's also confusing as to how you're trying to use it. "Phenomenal" is commonly used as a positive word but that's not quite the context and meaning you're aiming for with this story.
Another example would be "fleeting mind.” Someone's mind cannot be fleeting. Fleeting: passing swiftly. Her mind doesn't come and go. Based on the context you used the adjective, she was caught up in her thoughts, right? If that is so, then you can change "fleeting" with "preoccupied.”
Your word choice did match the voices of your character so points to that. Your writing style is lovely, capturing some pleasurable cinematic scenes and your imagery is a treat. Also, I didn’t see any usage of Korean.
In conclusion, I'm pleased to say that you have a good grasp of the English language and your attempts to broaden your vocabulary choice are quite commendable. However, and I say this to nearly everyone, do check the words you're using before you use them. It saves you time when editing later on, avoids confusing your readers and also improves one's understanding of the English language.
General Evaluation / Overall Enjoyment (4/5)
Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading— Last Edited: 10/02/2016
When one overlooks the technical mistakes, your writing is truly enjoyable. It stirred within me a blissful connection with Joongki but I was left unsatisfied with Chaewon's character (that disturbed me greatly). The story was character-driven and little actually happened plot-wise since most of it are consisted of flashbacks. It makes sense and matched well with your style. Unfortunately, I don’t think I would read your story again if I could.
Total Grade (84/100)
Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 10/02/2016
► 84%
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