dancing daisy

Walk By My Side by dawnassassination

Posted by: dancingdaisy • request info — Last Edited: 28/02/2016

Author: DawnAssassination

Story Title: Walk By My Side

Main Personas: Baekyun and Taeyeon

Story Genres: Drama, Realistic Fiction, Romance

Story Status: On-going

Story (projected) Length: Novel/Novella (Chaptered)

Story Description: There was once, a decade ago I was drowned in my own lust. I walk over the boundary line of a forbidden affair. When it was known out in public, the consequences were severe. I left and paid the price. Many years later, I came across someone, whom I vow never to acquaint with, ever again. He who starts this ‘game’, return for more. Why is Fate so cruel?

Reviewer: ae-sthetxc

Comments: For starter, I am indeed strict but don’t let this bring you down. My aim is for the writers to improve; not to give up on writing. And since English isn’t your first language that fact is even truer. However, since your chapters were really but really short – there isn’t much that I can develop about. Maybe it would’ve been safer to have waited until you had a couple more chapters down for us to see what the story really is about.

Story Title (3/5)

Posted by: DANCINGDAISY • grading — Last Edited: 28/02/2016

I never put much emphasis on titles because I don’t think one can be truly objective while expressing his or her thoughts about it. Title are a subjective matter; what attracts a certain group might not be as appealing for another. So instead I just try to see the relation they have with the plot’s overall themes and whatnot. Sadly those themes won’t become clear until the story have develop fully.

Nevertheless I do think ‘Walk by My Side’ can seem too general from what I read so far. I was surprised to see there is quite the amount of suspense going on; considering how ‘flat’ the title seemed. I was expecting to see some fluffy soap opera unfold – I’m glad it wasn’t. So here’s my recommendation: maybe think about changing the title or making it more concise.

Another thing, the spelling should be ‘Walk by My Side’ instead of ‘Walk By My Side’
There’s a couple of rules regarding titles which go like this:

•   Capitalize the first and the last word.
•   Capitalize nouns, pronouns, adjectives, verbs, adverbs, and subordinate conjunctions.
•   Lowercase articles (a, an, the), coordinating conjunctions, and prepositions.
•   Lowercase the "to" in an infinitive (I want to play guitar).

Description and Foreword (7.5/10)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading— Last Edited: 28/02/2016

Although your description is indeed mysterious the grammatical errors make it hard to follow. The most recurrent mistakes you did throughout the whole story is your inconsistent use of verb tenses and wrong conjugation; or sometimes you have words missing.
Quickly corrected with explanations and suggestions:

“ A decade ago, I was once drowned in my own lust. I walked [because you started off in past tense] out of my boundaries line [in this case it would’ve been better if you wrote ‘I stepped out of my boundaries’ or ‘I crossed the line’ not to make it sound awkward] and got myself involved in a forbidden affair.

When it was known to the public, I had to face the consequences and pay the price for my act [Fragmented sentence]. Years later [As ‘years’ is in plural form the ‘many’ is already implied], I met came across [This isn’t wrong, but it can look sort of awkward. ‘Met’ first better, especially if it’s their first encounter] someone, whom I vowed never to see [‘acquaint’ is used wrongly in this case] with again.

But, he who had started this [we don’t know what ‘this’ is referring to] ‘game’ [maybe, ‘toying with me’?] with me, returned for more.
Why was Fate so cruel? ”

The rest is pretty clean and well organised. Nothing that hurt my eyes or gave me a headache.

Appearance (9/10)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 28/02/2016

• Poster and Background (4/5)

As a graphic designer this type of blending isn’t my style nor are the colours. But, it was well done and do fit the mood of the story. Perhaps having one picture of the protagonists would’ve been enough? Sometimes it gets too crowed.

• Font-size and Readability (5/5)

Thank you for spacing and justifying your paragraphs. It was easy and quick to read.

Plot Development (21/40)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 28/02/2016

• Originality (6/10)

Let’s be honest here, there is no such thing as ‘original’ stories; everything has been done already. It’s the way the author is able to deal with them that makes it different. While this type of story isn’t rare, I was impressed by the way you tackled it. Most of it is because your characterization is very interesting. Still, I don’t know enough about the story to give you more points.

• Setting, Theme and Mood of the story (7/15)

One thing people tend to neglect is the setting. Unfortunately nothing much of the setting is known or described in any of the chapters. I understand, as I too, hate to describe the environment or rooms. And I believe it’s even harder if English isn’t your native language. But it is necessary; the readers can’t picture the scenes like you do; they can’t get into your head, which is why you need to show it through writing.

As a writer you need to establish where and why a story takes place or it will just seem like random exchanges of dialogues without much purposes.

• Scene Transitions and Flow (5/12)

I have to say this; the transitions are really messy. Not only are your chapters short, they also don’t provide much answers to the questions we, as readers, ask ourselves. 

Also, the new scenes start off with brand new topics, which was rather confusing and disruptive of the flow because they 1. Didn’t follow each other. 2. Didn’t explain the relationship between the characters and the setting, as well as the characters with the characters. I had to re-read a few times to catch a glimpse of what was truly going on.

There is two types of scenes in fiction: Proactive and Reactive.
Proactive scenes have a goal, a conflict and a setback whist Reactive scenes include a reaction, a dilemma and a decision. Conflicts and the Reactions to those conflicts are what makes a good story. It is the core of a plot. Most of your scenes should include some sort of problem.

Usually in novels a chapter is made of 2 to 3 scenes – since your chapters are only made of one, you need to add something that will appeal to the reader; a clash perhaps that will seem like that one scene has purpose. You can’t always just throw information to the readers with random situations: we should be finding out those big facts in the midst of a conflicting situation.

The second chapter is I guess something that resembles a conflict. However, since there is no relation with the previous scene or again, explanations; it left me quite perplex. Right now, it doesn’t seem like one story – more like multiple random one shots using the same characters.

The last point I have to make is about Showing versus Telling. It is strongly suggested that beginners learn how to Show a scene, rather than just tell it.

e.g. “‘That’s funny’ she laughed” versus “ ‘That’s funny’ unable to repress it any longer, she threw herself back onto the seat, laughing her out.’ ”

That way your audience will be able to picture the emotions better. Veteran writers, who are comfortable with the linguistic sometimes use ‘telling’ instead of showing in very specific situations. But since English isn’t your first language, I recommend practicing this part as well.

• Consistency and Point of View Used (3/3)

There aren’t conflict with the point of view you chose to write with, which was third person. However be aware, there is two type of ‘3rd person’ one that follows one character in every scenes, and one that is objective. The latter means you can’t get inside the character's head. Sometimes you seem to almost cross the line between those two, so review it well.
In conclusion, every single aspect of a plot are related to each other; if one of them is neglected, then the whole thing falls apart.

Character Development (5/15)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 28/02/2016

• Realism and Consistency of Characters  (5/10)

To me, Taeyeon seemed kind of flat and emotionless; at times it felt like she was only a prop shaping herself to what is needed in the current scene. Still there are time she showed a bit of emotions.

+5 – Baekhyun on the other hand felt really alive. I even kind of found myself attracted to his persona. So I think characterization will be your strangest point in the future as I did enjoy Baek’s scenes, regardless of whatever grammatical mistakes.

• Evolution of the Characters (0/5)

I have to say it again, there aren’t enough information for me to conclude anything. Therefore, there was no way evolution/development could have occurred yet.

Grammar and Writing Style (7.5/15)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading— Last Edited: 28/02/2016

• Grammatical Errors (2.5/5)

Like you said in the foreword, you did make quite a number of mistakes. Thankfully I was still able to understand most of it. Let’s focus with the most common errors you make while writing. which are the inconsistent use of verb tenses and wrong conjugation.
 

e.g.
Let’s dissect this paragraph.
“Mrs Haruka Johnson was teasing her husband and his former student. Mr Edward Johnson flashes a smile while Kim Taeyeon looked away. Mrs Johnson make her way to her husband and placed herself beside him. She could refrain her excitement upon meeting them for some reason.”
‘Was teasing’ should be changed to ‘is teasing’ if you wanted to write in present tense. Then in the second sentence, it starts with present tense – but then suddenly it goes back to the past.
Also what is happening is a bit unclear. Is she looking away from them, or from Edward Johnson’s smile? 
In either cases you out to add “looked away from them” if referring to the group of people or “looked away from it” if referring to the smile. 
Lastly, ‘make’ should be corrected to ‘makes’. Sometimes you conjugate it right, but most of the time you don’t. Be careful. Those type of mistake went on in every scenes.

• Choice of words and use of language (5/10)

What I like about your style is that unlike a lot of non-native writers you don’t look for fancy words. The more simple the better. There is some words or verbs used wrongly too; though that’s probably because of your range of vocabulary. So that can be easily fixed as it will probably expend.

e.g.
Let’s use the same paragraph as an example.
 “Mrs Haruka Johnson was teasing her husband and his former student. Mr Edward Johnson flashes a smile while Kim Taeyeon looked away.  Mrs Johnson make her way to her husband and placed herself beside him. She could refrain her excitement upon meeting them for some reason.”

‘Mrs Johnson make her way to her husband and placed herself next to him’
This can simply be put as ‘Mrs Johnson sat next to her husband’ or if she was in a specific place in the room ‘Mrs Johnson walked across the room to sit next to her husband.’

‘She could refrain her excitement upon meeting them for some reason.’
I’m guessing you meant she wasn’t happy to be sitting in front of the married couple?

To refrain [ri-freyn]
Verb (used without object)
1. To abstain from an impulse to say or do something

Excitement [ik-sahyt-muh nt] 
Noun
1. An excited state or condition.
2. Something that excites.

Could/Can [koo d; unstressed kuh d] 

Verb
1.To be able to; have the ability, power, or skill to.
2. To know how to.
3. To have the power or means to:
4. To have the right or qualifications to:
5. May; have permission to:
6. To have the possibility:

If you take the phrase in a literal sense it would mean something like she was happy to be there, but she tried to conceal it for x reason. ‘Upon meeting them’ also isn’t quite the right word. Maybe something like “She felt uncomfortable sitting with them” would’ve been more appropriate.

Mistakes like that also happen throughout the chapters – and the only way to make them go away is to learn new words, vocabulary – or just your knowledge about the language in general. You have potential so don’t give up.

General Evaluation / Over-all Enjoyment (3/5)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading— Last Edited: 28/02/2016

I believe you to have a lot of potential since usually this many grammatical error would’ve turned me off quickly. I still was able to somewhat enjoy the characterization of Baekhyun – and believe me, a lot of people, no matter how good their writing are, lack a lot in that area. So having characters that appeal to the public is really a good point.

In conclusion, read, learn and write. To be a good writer, you need to keep writing. But you also NEED to improve the linguistic part because like I always say a good writer turns a bad plot into a good one, and a bad writer will turn a good plot into a bad one.

Ideas are cheap, anyone can come up with great stories – however, not everyone can pull it off. So keep writing. And good luck!

Total Grade (56/100)

Posted by: dancingdaisy • grading — Last Edited: 28/02/2016

► 56%

Thank you for requesting! Do request again! It was a pleasure to review your story, it definitely has a great potential.

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