p.s : AU, this has been on my draft for months.

p.p.s : it's a bit sad i guess. i listen to this while doing this.

p.p.p.s : sorry that this is so dialogue heavy and i don't know if it's worth reading or no. if you're reading this, thank you so much.

Seunghyun finally secured a 2 years contract as art lecturer in uni downtown. His relationship is going strong with Jiyong that they decided to move in and live together for almost 3 years now. But then on Seunghyun's early 2nd year lecturing, he got called by the uni's office, get scolded by his boss that said, that they found out that he's gay and he even live together and involved romantically with a man, his boss was afraid if news about a gay lecturer in this most reputable uni would blow up and parents and students would backlash so his boss needs Seunghyun to choose : Either end his lifestyle and be a straight person then he still can continue to work here as a lecturer, he even can be proceed as head lecturer of art. Or if he refuse, then he could resign from this respectable and reputable (homophobic) uni also must pay 5 months of penalty fee which would cost him a fortune. The news broke his heart, he needed this job, he also needed Jiyong. What make it more worse is that, he doesn't know how to tell Jiyong about this, without burdening and make him feel awful about the whole thing.

These past months has been hard for Seunghyun, well not only him, their family too, his Jiyong too.

Can he still call Jiyong? his? 

He doesn't know.

He doesn't even deserved to live for he already put such pain to the other man's heart.

He decided to face it , sooner or later, it will still hurts anyway.

"Marry me, let us get married."

"Jiyong, can't you understand the situation now? It's not that simple."

"It's not, but if we got married, we got our marriage certificate and then we're legal, people can't say anymore. I can help you find another job, for now I will stop going to school and take leave for a year or two so that I can help you, can help to support us."

"No. You are on your last semester, you must finish your thesis! you're already there."

"So what? You wanted us to break up? Am I that insignificant to you, Seunghyun?"

"You know I'm not like that, Jiyong but I have no choice, you are young, you still have such a bright future, I can't let myself, can't let our relationship ruins that, I don't won't to ruins you."

"Do you think if we break up, you aren't going to ruin me?"

"At least you'd still be able to finished your school, you'll graduate, you're brilliant, you'll get a nice job, and then you will meet someone new, someone better."

"I'm sad that after all these time, we still can't be on the same page."

"What do you mean? You wanted me to lose my job?"

"You don't get it Seunghyun, I want you to also fight for us. I can't fight alone. I can't win this battle by myself." 

"I wanted to put you first, I will always put you first. Your life, your future, your school is the priority, you can't give up on that because of someone like me. You can always go back to your parent's place. Tel them that we broke up or something that I cheated on you or something, so they won't blame you for everything. This is all my fault."

"And then? You will continue working at that uni?"

"Yes."

"Even if they cut your monthly pay, you will only get half of your usual salary!"

"It's okay."

"You deserves better that just these people who put you through hell, Seunghyun."

"It's okay Jiyong, as long as they'd pay me. It will be okay, Jiyong, you will be okay, you'll meet someone better - so much better than me."

"What about you? you think you'll be okay without me?"

"Do you think I will? Of course I won't but maybe years from now I will be."

"You're unbelievable, I feel like I am talking to a wall now, you aren't listening to me. I'm going to bed, we'll talk about this tomorrow."

"Okay."

"Don't you dare leave home!"

"I won't, I promise, I will be here when you wake up, we will talk through this."

"Okay."

"But Jiyong?"

"Hm?"

"You should think or consider my solution, your parents would be glad to have you back home, they hates me right? It would be great for your family, to have their son back, and to know that their son finally leave his ty boyfriend, you know?"

"I will pretend that I don't hear you. Good night, Seunghyun."

The thing that Seunghyun hates the most is seeing Jiyong cries.

Especially when he is the reason that he cries.

Which leads him to remembers on how great their past was.

Jiyong cried when Augustus died on The Fault In Our Stars, cried when he confessed his feelings, cried when they decided to moved in, and cried because of this damn problem that he himself still doesn't know what to do.

Sometimes Seunghyun wonders what would happen if he hadn't meet Jiyong?

If he hadn't work at this uni? If he hadn't study at this uni and work at this uni?

Would that leads to a completely different life? Would that leads to the same life, just minus Jiyong?

It was hard when they first start seeing each other too.

Jiyong's parents were really opposed of the idea of their one and only son seeing another man, but then as their relationship grew stronger, his parents gave in and let Jiyong move out of the house. 

Thankfully, Seunghyun's mom loves Jiyong very much. She already consider him as another son.

When they visits her home in Jamshil, they both would cook together, taking care of Seunghyun's mother plants and flowers together and Jiyong would pick one daisy or two and put it on Seunghyun's left ear. 

Oh how he misses those moments.

Time sure went fast when you're head is spinning, he can't sleep at all, his makeshift bed on this sofa is hurting his neck, his long legs feels sore too and he cries.

The tears won't stop, though.

It was just really painful, his chest is in pain too. He doesn't wail or scream, it's the type of cry that left and make you stare on nothing and the tears just won't stop and you just sit there and the pain gets really unbearable. He needs tissues, he needs his blanket, but then he remembers there's no way that he can go into their bedroom, with Jiyong sleeping inside so he doesn't know what to do. 

He doesn't even know what to do to stop his tears how does the world expect him to think about a solution of this freaking thing? He needs to make decision soon but he can't ing think straight. He sure do loves Jiyong, but Jiyong can't eat from his love, they both needs money to buy food, and to pay the bills.

It gets too much, maybe he should just smoke a cig or two.

He then gets up from the sofa, pick the unopened pack of cig from the drawer and heads outside.

It's chilly, the cold will kills him soon.

Nothing is in his favor now.

He ripped of the seal of the pack, pick one cig and put it in his mouth.

Months ago he promised Jiyong to stop smoking and he has been clean for almost 1 year now, it's better to smoke than to do something even stronger to put his mind off he guess.

He's about to light his cig and then there were arms surrounds his stomach.

"I'm sorry I screamed at you, earlier."

"It's okay, it's my fault. I know I upset you."

"Will you throw away the cig or do you want me to light it for you?"

"I will throw it, away, sorry."

""Will you please look at me, Seunghyun?" - Of all things, I'm upset that you seem to - want to get rid of me, that you seem to, you know, you don't want to marry me."

"Jiyong, you know I'd marry you in a heartbeat. Don't think like that. I love you, you know that."

"Then let us get married."

"it will only make things hard, don't you think? Us get married, means that I'll lost my stable job, I'd have no money, and what kind of husband would I be if I can't even take care of you?"

"I won't give up on us, Seunghyun. I hope you understand that. This means that I'm willing to fight, I'm willing to do my best I can work 2-3 part time job, I'll help to support us. It's okay to put school on hold, I will finished it eventually, I only take one year break. I will play my part that way, Seunghyun. If you're not willing to fight with me then maybe you're right, maybe we should end this. I'm going back inside, don't stand here so long, you'll catch a cold. And please don't smoke."

"One thing, Seunghyun. You are capable of so much more. You'll be doing fine even if you exit that uni, I hope you know that."

Seunghyun hates making decision.

He hates how milk have too much variants, he hates why human have a lot of preferences.

He hates picking outfit every morning so Jiyong helps him with that.

He hates choosing menu for their dinner so sometimes he'd just cook ramen and sausages plus cheese for both of them, and Jiyong is also okay with that.

He hates buying clothes cos he doesn't know what to choose, between the checkered shirt or the patterned one? That's why Jiyong always pick and buy it for him.

Jiyong pretty much helps him with everything.

With Jiyong, his mind shuts off, his mind calm itself.

When Jiyong helds his hands, he finally can sleep well and stop thinking and worrying about tomorrow.

He doesn't want to get sick, he threw away the cig to the bin, wipe his tears and go inside.

Jiyong cried too though, despite his strong appearance, there were dry tears on his cheek.

Seunghyun sat on the floor - not facing him , can't bear to see Jiyong's face now.

He helds and kiss Jiyong's hand and barely managed to whisper the things that he had been meaning to say.

"I'm sorry I'm not a competent person, I'm sorry that I'm not brave as you, I'm afraid, I'd marry you Jiyong. I love you so much, I can't bear the thought of you leaving me, you know? But I have no choice, I don't want to put you trough this because of me. Imagine how happy we would be if you'd be mine forever? And if someday we'd have kids? I'm okay even if we don't, gaho and jolie and iye are our kids, I'm okay. If you don't want to cook anymore, I'll learn and I'll cook for you.
I'll do everything for you, you know that? I just don't want to put you through much more pain, seeing you getting hate from your family already make me a bad person. You should've life a happy life, Jiyong. I wanted you to be happy."

'Then marry me. Make me the happiest man alive. Marry me. Be brave and marry me. You don't think we can't beat and face this together, I want us, Seunghyun. Do you?"

"Will you be okay if we face even more hardship? What if we won't be able to afford food? What if I won't be able to feed you?"

"I will, you will. We will be okay. We will figure it out, later. We can figure it out later. I would take 3 part time jobs. We would be able to support our lives. Are you with me?"

"Are you sure?"

"You still can't answer me, I guess maybe you our love won't win this?"

Seunghyun then hugs him, he was never good with words anyway.

"I love you, Jiyong. I will marry you, let us get married within this week, I'm sorry I can't afford you a fancy wedding but -"

"I don't care about the wedding."

"Okay."

"Marry me, Kwon Jiyong. I know, there will be hardship, there will be up and down, but I promised I will walk and fight with you. Will you?"

"I will, Choi Seunghyun. I will."

"Till death do us apart?"

"Till death do us apart, Jiyong. Till death do us apart."

"Will you be able to sleep tonight?"

"You will hold my hand, won't you?"

"Of course. I will, I will be here, always."

"I will tell them that I'd quit tomorrow."

"Okay, then we will figure it out afterwards."

"Okay."