EIGHTEEN

*****

Ju-ne stirred.

He could feel the faint heat of the sun’s spotlight crawling on his skin, pulling him slowly out of his unconsciousness, nudging him awake.

He sighed deeply.

When he woke up, he saw Chanwoo; his sparkling doe eyes, his dimpled-smile, lying next to him, gazing softly, lovingly, at him.

He stared dumbly, blinking, and then last night, Chanwoo and him together, skin on skin, fluttering kisses, fumbling warm touches under the sheets in the dimmed darkness, everything he wanted, flooded him.

His heart swell, tingling with happiness, and he smiled. A soft laugh bubbled out of his mouth.

Chanwoo smiled wider, infected so easily by his laugh.

“Morning,” Ju-ne mumbled.

“Morning,” Chanwoo murmured.

******

Chanwoo smiled, his heart beating with wistful, longing, memories of warmth and unconditional love, as he rubbed his fingers against the flower petal. Soft and delicate and beautiful.

“You kept her garden,” he said to his grandfather.

His grandfather shifted in his steps, shuffling loudly on the soft, green grass. “It belonged to your mother. I made sure that it is very well looked after,” he replied curtly, his voice gruff. Then he said quietly, lowly, that Chanwoo had  almost missed it, “It’s the least I could do for her.”

Chanwoo’s fingers hung in the air, slipping through the petal. He nodded solemnly, swallowing the heavy lump in his throat. “Thank you, Grandfather,” he said, sincerely.

Silence seeped in between them, no words were left to exchange. It was a fleeting moment, rare, a little crack of raw emotions but it was more than enough. Words, in this family, to them, had never been a kind friend so it was barely used.

Chanwoo continued to survey each flowers, touching them and recalling the memories that his mother had implanted into them and held by the roots gripping in the dirt, his heart both aching and loving. It was bittersweet; it was always bittersweet.

His grandfather cleared his throat, his shuffling stopped at the small door of the garden. “I’ve received and read your report about the OhSung investment.”

Chanwoo stared at his mother’s favourite flower. He had never asked why it was her favourite.

His back was turned away but he could hear the frown, a hint of disapproval, in his grandfather’s voice.

“10%? Why did you changed your decision and encouraging this? OhSung is bankrupt.”

His voice had tinged to a strong anger but Chanwoo was unfazed. He calmly stood up and brushed his hands from the dirt, the dry dust flying in the air. He turned around, kept his head down, but his eyes fixed on the dominating man standing tall in front of him.

“I never made a decision,” he said. He kept his voice in a steady monotone.

Emotions never worked well with his grandfather, he doesn’t understand it, but logical reasoning does. He knew it well because, as much he hated to admit, he was the same. Think with your head not with your heart. That’s how you survive in this family, that’s how you protect.

“That’s not in my power. But I have changed my mind regarding it.” He pursed his lips. “OhSung is not yet bankrupt, just on the precipice of bankruptcy,” he added quietly, “There’s still time for salvation.”

His grandfather doesn’t reply, impassive.

But Chanwoo knew he got his attention.

“Every investment has a risk whether the company is successful or not. There’s always a 50-50. That’s just how it works. With OhSung, I’ll admit, there will probably more loss than profits but there’s a benefit to it. If the project is successful, aside from the profits, we’ll get the praise: you’ll get the good reputation and the company will get a good image. OhSung is also a holder to many shares and other investments; if we support them, the credits will automatically be given to you. The other investments will also automatically be Taesan's. And with that, other profits will soon follow after.”

His grandfather raise his eyebrows lightly. Chanwoo could see the wheels in his head slowly turning.

He dug his heels in deeper, pulling the invisible strings on his grandfather stronger, his eyes unwavering. “If it’s unsuccessful, it’s just a 10% loss. We have stable shareholders and investors, and enough resources to help recover any losses quickly. It won’t affect the company in any way. Either way, it’s to our advantages. OhSung will forever be indebted to us. You’ll have the complete control.”

His grandfather let out a deep breath through his nose. He clenched his jaws.

Without words, Chanwoo threw the anchor. But he knew his grandfather was already hooked even before the tip of the metal touched the sea.

“I’ll review the terms with the Board tomorrow morning.”

Chanwoo nodded curtly, “De.”

“He favours you. He trusts you more than anybody, more than the Board members.” His father smiled bitterly, “Even his own son.”

Chanwoo was stumped. He stared at his father in disbelief. “I am not going to be put in that position.”

His father’s face hardened. Suddenly, he smiled. “How’s your brother doing? He has a restaurant, doesn’t he? I believe that building he is renting is one of ours. It would be ashamed if he were to lose it.”

“It will be pretty hard to get a new building. And at an affordable price with the shape of our economy nowadays,” Taeho added, smugly. “Especially since your brother is just starting.”

He turned around and gritted his jaws.

One of his mother’s favourite flower petals broke free and swayed lightly in the air before resting on the dark dirt, fragile and breathless.

He stared at the petal on the ground helplessly, his heart clenched tightly.

******

Ju-ne ran his fingers across Chanwoo’s collarbone, feeling the softness of his tan skin under his. “Won’t your assistant get angry that you’ve missed your train?”

“Probably. She is. But she works for me so whatever I say goes.”

Ju-ne laughed. He shifted, the sheets wrapped loosely around their body rustle quietly.

Chanwoo grinned. “It’s the first time.”

Ju-ne quirked his eyebrows. “What?”

“Being impulsive. I’ve always just follow the rules, always doing the right thing.”

“Then…it must get boring.”

Chanwoo laughed. “Not really.” Then his voice soften, wistful, his eyes averted from Ju-ne. “It’s all I’ve known.”

And Ju-ne felt his heart constricted.

Chanwoo sounded…lonely.

He cupped Chanwoo’s face, gazing deeply into the sparkling doe eyes, his fingers caressing the smooth jaw. He kissed him.

It’s okay, I’m here, he had wanted to say.

******

Ju-ne sighed loudly as he stared at his opened suitcase and the strewn clothes peeking from the inside. It’s been untouched since he came back from Busan….

His exasperated, trailing thoughts stopped.

Busan.

He smiled widely as memories started rolling fast.

Ju-ne was happy, the happiest he had ever been in his life.

The days, nights, he spent with Chanwoo in Busan was everything he had ever wanted.

Chanwoo was everything he had ever wanted.

After Minhyuk, he wasn’t sure if he could find someone to love as much as he had loved him and for that moment that he had lost love, he had forgotten what it was and felt like. Then, he met Chanwoo, sparkling doe eyes and dimpled-smile, and being with him reminded him of it.

But it wasn’t the same love, it was different.

This love with Chanwoo was different, felt different.

Was is it possible? he thought. That love can feel so different than before?

He remembered the feel of Chanwoo’s skin on his under the cool, white sheets.

He smiled to himself, letting himself basked in the feeling of his heart racing, swelling, his whole body tingling with fluttering warmth pulsing through his veins, every time he thought about Chanwoo, every time he saw him smile, laugh, look at him.

He was in love with Chanwoo.

Probably even more so than before, than he thought he was capable of.

He loved being in love with Chanwoo.

And, possibly Busan too.

******

“You take baseball so seriously. I watch you coached and it’s like you’re coaching the national team.”

Chanwoo raised an eyebrow, his face stoic. “Baseball is serious,” he deadpanned.

Ju-ne smiled, amused.

“Besides, one of the kids I coached might end up being a professional player.”

“Why didn’t you? Become a professional player?” Ju-ne tilted his head, curiosity etched on his handsome face. “I don’t know much about baseball but from what I’ve seen from your coaching, you seem to be pretty good. Great.”

Chanwoo gave a small smile and he looked away, his eyes flickering to the ceiling momentarily. “Baseball wasn’t considered a suitable job for my family,” he laughed dryly.

“Why not?”

“I was expected of something else.”

“Like the Chief of Financial Officer of a multi-million company?”

“Something like that,” Chanwoo smiled.

“Well, I’m glad you aren’t. Because if you were a professional baseball player, we wouldn’t have met.”

Chanwoo felt his heart squeezed tightly, constricting. But he smiled unwaveringly. “Yeah,” he murmured, “We wouldn’t have met.”

“And that would have not been good.” Ju-ne smiled. “Because now that I’ve met you, I can’t imagine what it would be like not to have you in my life.”

******

Taeho was in the living room, dressed in an impeccable, well-ironed, golfing suit, his own ego while he inspected his shiny gold clubs obnoxiously when Chanwoo walked by.

He looked up eagerly, clearly waiting for him to jab.

“How was your Busan trip?” he snickered, a smirk curled on his lips. He leaned back on his heels and gauged Chanwoo with a mocking expression. “I heard people were very impressed with you. Saw all the articles online. Taesan’s greatest pride.” He didn’t bother to hide the bitterness spitting from his tone.

Chanwoo smiled at him, his hands tucked in his trousers’ pockets. “I try my best.”

Taeho’s smirk slipped a little, his fingers gripping the golf club’s head. “I also heard that you went on a date in Busan. Even spent the night together.” His lips curled at the corner. “He must be really special.”

Chanwoo’s stomach churned and he felt his veins boiled in anger, pulsing, pounding hard. His hands curled inside his pockets, his fingers digging into his skin tightly. He forced himself to keep his smile, his composure.

He breathed silently. “Don’t, Taeho,” he said with a calm he certainly didn’t feel. “I don’t touch your personal life, don’t even care about it, so don’t you dare touch mine.” His eyes darken. “I don’t want to hate you. So, don’t.”

Taeho’s Adam’s apple bopped deeply as he swallowed, his eyes darting.

Chanwoo pulled his hands out of his pockets, his fingers spread out. “Besides, blackmail doesn’t suit you.” He gave a calm smile. He nodded his head to the golfing gear. “Have fun playing golf with your crazy, rich, Asian friends.” He smiled politely. “Try your best to keep up with them.”

He walked away, his smile unwavering, but his heart thumping fast, anger gripping him tightly, his dark eyes flashing.

******

“Can we talk?”

“Aren’t we talking?”

“No,” Ju-ne laughed, “I mean, can we talk about you?”

Chanwoo stilled, a beat of unguarded silence, then he quietly hummed, shifting on his side and tucking his arm under his head. He smiled softly, encouragingly. “I think you already know everything about me.”

Ju-ne pursed his lips. He dragged his hand over Chanwoo’s arm, threading their fingers together.

They fit perfectly together, he thought flutteringly.

“Can I ask about your family? Apart from Yunhyeong hyung, you don’t really talk about them much, your mum, your dad…”

When Chanwoo remained silent, he squeezed his hand. “You don’t have to say anything,” he murmured quietly. “I can tell that you’re not very close with them.”

Chanwoo smiled but his heart felt heavy, uncomfortably tight. But, Ju-ne’s eyes was loving, trusting and hypnotizing, and his walls came down. “I don’t have a good relationship with them. My father…it’s complicated. My mum and him, it was an arranged marriage, and he had someone he loved he wanted to be with. But it was my grandfather’s decision and nobody goes against that. So when I came along, my father wasn’t happy about it.”

Ju-ne’s eyes flashed, hurt, empathetic and Chanwoo felt his heart throbbed painfully. “That’s not your fault.” His hand squeezed tighter on his. “I want you.”

I want you.

Chanwoo’s heart stopped beating.

I want you.

He had those words from his mother and brother before.

It’s okay, I want you.

It was his lifeline, he clung to those words desperately and they had kept him going forward when all he wanted was to disappear.

I want you.

But hearing it from Ju-ne, he believed him, feeling it filled him up, washing away all the pain and loneliness that was tucked in every corner of his heart, and he felt he could finally breathe easily.

I want you.

For the first time, those words made him feel belonged.

He didn’t want to cling to it desperately, he wanted it, to hear it, forever.

But nothing lasts forever, he knew that more than anybody.

******

Ju-ne dragged his finger over the rim of his wine glass, his thoughts swirling around in the same patterns.

“Hyung.”

Jinhwan glanced at him. “Hhmm?”

Ju-ne chewed his lips, nervous. He inhaled a sharp breath. “You think that it’s okay to fall in love quickly?”

Jinhwan was startled. He cleared his throat, running his hand through his hair, thinking, arranging his thought words carefully.

“I mean,” Ju-ne continued quietly, “I know what falling in love is; what being in love is but with Chanwoo it’s somehow different – good different,” he smiled and it made Jinhwan smiled too; then his smiled faltered, pensive. “And I just, don’t want to ruin it. I want it to be good.”

“It seems that something serious happened between you and Chanwoo in Busan,” Jinhwan teased lightly.

Ju-ne ducked his head down, avoiding Jinhwan’s eyes, his cheeks tinging red. He rubbed his thumb and index finger against the glass stem. “We, er, spent the night together,” he murmured shyly, honestly.

Jinhwan smiled. “Hhmm,” he continued teasing, “No wonder you’ve been on top of the world the last couple of days.” He laughed quietly when Ju-ne’s cheeks turned redder almost to the same shade of his wine.

“It just happened and it felt right,” Ju-ne murmured. Then his eyes lit up and Jinhwan’s heart melted at the honest, innocent happiness he saw in them. “Things are going so well between us and I feel like Chanwoo is opening up to me, that he’s finally taking the chances with me. Whatever it was that he was afraid of, I think he’s, slowly, getting over it. And I know he has the same feelings as I do.”

Jinhwan smiled softly, endearingly because in spite of his tough and tall looks, Ju-ne’s heart was a true romantic; always seeing love and life poetically, always believing in happily-ever-after; and he really wants all of that for him. “I don’t think that there is a perfect time to fall in love. Some people would take a really long time to figure it all out but then it doesn’t last. But some people would instantly fall and it lasts forever.” He gazed at Ju-ne tenderly. “All that matters is how you and Chanwoo feel for each other.”

Ju-ne’s doubts flew away and all the questions hung in his mind were answered. “Right?” he beamed.

******

He smiled and shifted, sitting up, and the sheets dropped, tumbling down on his body, and climbed over Chanwoo, straddling his waist. He ran his hands down Chanwoo’s toned chest, trailing his fingers over the smooth lines on his tan skin. He smiled mischievously when he heard Chanwoo’s breath hitched.

“I thought you said you wanted to talk,” Chanwoo murmured, his voice low and husky; his body tingling from Ju-ne’s tantalizing touches.

“This is talking too,” Ju-ne grinned. He leaned down and kissed Chanwoo’s jaws, his neck, biting on the skin lightly.

He smiled satisfyingly when he heard Chanwoo's low moan.

******

Yunhyeong frowned when he opened his front door for Chanwoo. “Why didn’t you just come in? You know the passcode.”

“Because unlike some people I know the etiquette of knocking before entering,” Chanwoo deadpanned.

Yunhyeong scowled. “Just come in,” he grumbled.

Chanwoo held out the bunch of daisies he had collected earlier.

Yunhyeong gazed it questioningly.

“They’re from mum’s garden at the big house.”

“They kept her garden?” Yunhyeong asked, surprised. He took the flowers and stepped inside, and Chanwoo followed him, slipping his shoes off.

“The Chairman did. I was surprised too.”

Yunhyeong turned and gave Chanwoo a pointed look. “He’s your grandfather.”

“They’re both the same person,” Chanwoo said, dryly.

Yunhyeong sighed quietly. He held the flower to his nose and inhaled the scent it. Suddenly, his heart ache a little and he smiled sadly, bittersweetly. They smelt like his mother and the whispers of memories, happy and beautiful memories, memories of him cuddling in his mother’s arms, his head buried deeply in her chest, flooded him. That warm, safe haven.

A lump appeared in his throat and he quickly swallowed it away, blinking the tears that had gathered at the corner of his eyes. He can’t cry, Chanwoo was in front of him. He cleared his throat.

“I miss mum.”

The lump reappeared in his throat. Chanwoo had saw it all, as he always did. He pushed the lump forcefully back down. “Me too.”

Chanwoo gave a small, tight smile. “I miss her a lot more lately.”

Yunhyeong felt his heart squeezed tightly at the sad, somber tone he heard intertwined in his brother’s voice. “Come here,” he murmured softly and pulled Chanwoo to him, wrapping his arms around him tightly. He rubbed his brother’s back gently. “I know.”

His heart squeezed tighter when Chanwoo buried himself deeply into his arms, gripping him softly; gripping him, holding to him like he was his anchor. And it reminded him of the day their mother had passed away, and as they cried together Chanwoo had gripped on to him like this too.

Something was going on with Chanwoo; he could feel it. But he knew Chanwoo won’t talk and that worry filled him up completely, overwhelmingly.

******

They laid on the cool white sheets, gazing at each other.

The sky behind them had turned dark.

They had spent the whole day, together, on the bed, cocooned.

“I wish we could stay like this forever. Just you and me,” Ju-ne murmured.

Chanwoo gave a small smile, “Me too.”

And Chanwoo felt his heart ache again.

******

Ju-ne tilted his head at Chanwoo, his bottom lip jutted out in a small pout, as they stand outside his apartment building. “You really won’t come up with me?”

Chanwoo smiled softly and rubbed his thumb over Ju-ne’s hand. “No. It’s kinda late already. Besides, we just got off a three-hour train ride from Busan – you should rest and get some sleep.”

Ju-ne shuffled closer to Chanwoo, brushing his body against his. He bit his bottom lip, his eyes twinkling as he gazed at Chanwoo. “I’m still...not tired…”

Chanwoo smiled, “Maybe next time.”

Ju-ne sighed disappointingly. He looked down at their intertwined hands, pouting. “Okay,” he murmured quietly. He sighed again, not wanting to hide his disappointment. Maybe, he was hoping Chanwoo would spend the night. But when he glanced up, his disappointment subsided immediately at Chanwoo’s sparkly, large doe eyes; a gentle, tender look on his face as gazed at him.

His heart fluttered.

He leaned forward and kissed Chanwoo.

Their lips move together, soft and passionate, and Ju-ne tilted his head to deepen the kiss, his hand reaching to Chanwoo’s jawline and then slip to the back of his head, entangling his fingers into Chanwoo’s soft black hair. He let out a moan when Chanwoo opened his mouth and pressed them closer, moulding their lips together.

They are breathless, their hearts pounding in their ears, when they pulled away.

Ju-ne leaned his forehead against Chanwoo’s, his eyes still closed, his lips tingling from the strong lingering taste of Chanwoo’s lips on his. “You still don’t want to come up? We could have some late night ramen and then you can just…stay the night.”

“Late night ramen. Is that the new would you like to have coffee?”

“Hhmm, yes.”

Chanwoo chuckled under his breath and Ju-ne grinned, his eyes fluttering opened. He stared in Chanwoo’s large, dark brown orbs, hypnotized by them. He ran his fingers along Chanwoo’s jaws. “Okay,” he whispered. He placed a soft kiss on Chanwoo’s lips. “Okay.” He leaned back and distangled their fingers. “Good night,” he smiled.

Chanwoo hummed and smiled as he watched Ju-ne walked away and disappeared inside the building.

Then his smile faded.

His heart constricted, the pang twisted painfully, gripping him in a tight chokehold.

How was he supposed to walk away from Ju-ne when it hurts this much?

******

“Well, I’m glad you aren’t. Because if you were a professional baseball player, we wouldn’t have met.”

Chanwoo felt his heart squeezed tightly, constricting. But he smiled unwaveringly. “Yeah,” he murmured, “We wouldn’t have met.”

“And that would have not been good.” Ju-ne smiled. “Because now that I’ve met you, I can’t imagine what it would be like not to have you in my life.”

If we hadn’t met, we wouldn’t be here, and you wouldn’t get hurt because of me.

Ju-ne, you’re wrong.