Sunny texted me this morning if I have nothing to do today and asked me to watch a movie on cinema with her friends. Was about to type when suddenly the taxi driver panicked, immediately step on the break pedal, can’t help holding his professionality fell down to the ground and he cursed the other driver. Well, awkward. And a second after that, he looked back to where I’m at, giving me an apologetic smile, saying he’s sorry for the uncomfortable situation earlier. Oops, almost dropped my phone.

‘Hmm. With who?’

‘Friends from group chat’

‘of?’

‘Online game’

Oh my God.

This kid.

‘You guys probably haven’t even met are you freaking serious?!’

‘But It’s not awkward c’mon! Were like, total buds. It’ll be fun!”

‘Its’ not the awkward that I’m worried about, ’

‘Besides, I’m on my way to my mom. Sorry, Sunshine’

‘Omg what. You feel worry for me? That’s literally the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. That’s so kind of you"

‘Whatever. Just be safe ok you don’t really know them yet. Have fun!’

‘Okay mom. Thanks’

That’s how Sunny is. Spending most of her life to play games with her buddies, she’s that one kind of a type that rather not to hangout with girls. Oh and probably making a lot of new friends too. Hence most of them are boys her contacts are full with them. If she’s lucky she gets a cute one. Sometimes she came to me telling she has a new boyfriend which mostly, they first met at that online game group chats. But as some people say : easy to get easy to lose.

Being a curious friend I always ask how she’s been doing with her love life. Strange thing is, she just doesn’t really care about it making me shook my head with a smirk. If I ask her why, the answer will be the same, ‘Doesn’t mean that much’

“Then why did you said yes at the first place?!”

She shrug, reaching for her last piece of her french fries, “I dont know. I’m just curious”

“Curious? about what?”

“About how things would turn out!” I frowned, not understanding anything she said.

“What things?”

“Okay, I’ll make it clear,” she cleared , “Let’s make you and Nickhun as an example. You guys are okay, right? You’re busy with your studies and he’s busy with his. Nothing unique, just like normal couples around the world would too”

“Uh huh...?”

“Well, guess what?” she sips her red soda, “That’s pretty boring”

“What!”

“Tell me Hwang, do I look like normal girls?”

Ekhem. Let me see.

She doesn’t dress feminine. Short curly dark brown hair, tied up, looks messy but cute. And her outfits are different, more like boyish. Black sleeveless shirt, and short jeans. Hmm. That’s okay any girls would wear those too depends on the mood, that’s cool. Aaand, no bag. Hold up. Girls don’t walk around without bag we’d feel awkward without it!

“You don’t dress like the others... I think?”

She clapped her hands, “Yes! That’s what I mean! I don’t dress well. I don’t care about those stuffs! I spent my precious time on playing games which I’d rather than dressing!”

“No- I didn’t mean you don’t dress well. You dress different, but still looks cute”

“Thank you Tiff, but shush. I’m not talking about what I’m wearing today. I’m just saying how a girl like me who play games and doesn’t care about what to wear everyday with a boy who likes games too would turn out as a couple”

Ah, so that’s what you’re talking about.

“So, no feelings from the start?”

“No feelings from the start. Like you. We’re on the same boat here, Tiff”

“But It’s not nice to play with somebody else’s feelings”

“I’m not playing with it. I’m experiencing with it”

I laughed. “Whatever”

“What”

“Okay, okay, how was the break up then?”

“He said he wanted to take a break. I said okay”

“No fight?” Really?

“No”

“Why?”

“It doesn’t mean much anyway, for us, why a waste of energy?”

I chucled, “Maybe you haven’t found the one yet”

She smirk, “Looking foward to it”

I smiled during the flashback until my eyes catch a glimpse of the sudden shining light through the window that woke me up from my daydream. I made it. To the place where all my worries fade away. Where all my old memories happen. My hometown.

If I didn’t leave my apartment at dawn, I’ll be stuck in the traffic by now. I payed the driver and walk straight to the white wooden house, where there’s a woman with her hands open wide walking straight to me. Can’t help smiling wide, I came to her running a little. And then hug her as she her hand on the back of my head.

“Mom, I’ve missed you so much!”

“I know honey. Come inside. I already prepared some tea for you. Your favorite,” it tears my heart how her wringkles showed up beneath her eyes when she smiles. She never had it when I’m still around.

I glanced at her back, to the front yard. There’s a lot of falling withered leaves. Mom used to clean the yard, telling me, “I clean the yard so my fingers would look pretty when I’m old!”

I don’t know who told her that but I always thought she made a fool of herself when I was young. Now remembering it I feel like a total . She’s not young anymore. Her back hurts a lot when she bows down. Age takes all. Even her favorite hobby every weekend.

“Sounds great,” I smiled back.

[]

“Stephanie Hwang, please, you’re a lady. Eat like one”

“I will, but not on this food”

“You’re 23, you know”

“Almost. Almost 23”

“You act like we were so far away but we’re just 4 hours away by car!” she groans. “And the price is not cheap!”

“Is it wrong to miss you and the food you make”

“Oh my gosh. I don’t know anymore. That was priceless”

I clap my hands, worshipping over myself, “I’ll take that as a compliment”

She rolled her eyes, heheh.

“Uh... what is it called now?”

“What?”

“When you’re in a relationship with someone who’s far away. What do you guys call it now days?”

“Long distance relationship?”

“That’s right. You at it”

“Well, I think Nickhun is, too”

She nods, “He’s gonna say no. He’s not going to let you go travel the world to see Taeyeon. Nu-uh. I’m doubting it,” what the hell with that McDonald puns?!

“I know mom! Remember when I vacuum school for 2 weeks? Because I broke my leg?”

“He cried like a baby when you came back to school. I know, honey”

“See? He’s like, ten times worse than me at handling distance relationship”

“Then what are you going to do? It’s been two years”

Mom sits in front of me. With the tone of her voice I know she’s getting serious. The fact that I don’t feel the same way Nickhun have for me, like what Sunny said, but keeping our status as a couple, put me in dilemma.

“I don’t know mom. He’s... too nice”

“But you don’t love him?” she raised her eyebrows, waiting for my response.

Nickhun is not a bad guy. But deep down I know I can’t lie to myself, I don’t love Nickhun. I’m just pitying on him from the start.’

“.... What should I do?”

She stands, lifting up the empty plate and put it on the sink, “We should talk. Real talk”

[]

After helping mom washing the dishes I walk straight to my bedroom, letting myself fall to the bed resting with my phone in my hand. Sunny appeared on my Instagram, she just posted a picture of her with 3 guys at the back and another one where she hugged one of them tightly.

“Sunny, you player” I smirk, texting her a message

“Who’s player?” the door behind me suddenly open and there’s mom, questioning.

“Oh nothing, mom. It’s just Sunny already has a new boyfriend” I put my phone down. If we are going to talk, then that would be rude of me if I’m busy playing with it.

She place herself sitting next to me at the other side of the bed, “Story time”

“Where should I start?”

“Wherever you like”

So I started talking about Taeyeon. How she suddenly missing and out of nowhere, she popped up on Korean TV channel, turns out, singing has been her career all these years. I told her how we fight at school when she came after months being absent, she left by car with haesung after we fought and the day after I’ve never seen Taeyeon ever again until a few days ago. She dropped out, without telling me something, and just like that. She was gone for years. It took more than a couple of minutes for me to finally done with the fighting part, and there’s another that I haven’t told my mom yet since it’s a log story.

“What do you think mom?”

I ask, wondering what would she think. Because other than starring at me, she doesn’t do anything.

“...Am I being childish? Or I’m just minding these too much?”

She shook her head, making me more confused, but then her hand reaches mine, calming my worries with a gentle and slight touch, and not to forget the smile that I inherit.

“Well I think,” she paused for a moment, “That’s... not childish at all”

I keep being still while she continues, “I feel like you are so lucky to ever find a friend like her, because people with good heart are hard to find nowadays”

“Tiffany Hwang, honey, just like you, I once met a person that shines so bright in my eyes. I never knew I would care about them as much as I care for myself but then something happened and we can’t do anything much. We’ve tried so hard to fight and it seems that our struggles were just a waste from the beginning. It’s really painful to remember those times when I was not round. And I regret it even until this second”

I sigh. “Mom,”

I grabbed her hand, knowing this hurts me too, knowing mom still can’t forgive herself about Dad.

“It was not a waste, every one of them. I’m sure of it”

She gives a warm tiny smile, “Sorry. Listening to your stories with Taeyeon kind of reminding me about him”

“It’s alright, Mom,” I smiled back, “It’s not your fault. Not everyone else’s”

I keep looking at her face, remembering those times when I was young, running in our backyard with Dad chasing me. Mom was standing on the balcony with the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen from people across the globe. I remember those happy times where we were still complete. Together and happy.

Then he left. Leaving us both hanging, alone. Mom was crying at her room when I came back from school, or when she put me into bed, then saying how much she loves my dad. It felt like the world was against us, my happy world turned upside down in a minute. But, we did not give up.

Mom was strong, from day one until this day, she sacrificed herself for me. I was a stupid girl who always makes a mess and that day, I was being a total , to Taeyeon and even Mom. I yelled because I was so angry with her. I screamed that she doesn’t have to force herself for me, that she have to take care about herself too. But then Mom came to me and gave me a hug.

“You’re the only one I have left”

And I cried.

Mom said every children’s future worth sacrifice.

It was not hard to remember, it came across my mind at night before I was about to sleep. It was hard for us to deal with the reality, but it curves a smile on my face because we somehow survived from it. And now that I’m here, back to the place where those times happened, it feels like I’m riding a roller coster. Some are just too hurtful to be remembered and some are just too beautiful to be forgotten. Dad’s death because of cancer is one of them.

At least now we are happy, a bit different though. My Mom is the only thing that I have left. But then my eyes catch her wrinkles again, and I’m starting to think,

Am I going to lose you too soon, just like Dad?

“Tiffany, you are a good kid. I’m so proud of you”

I smiled.

“I really appreciate what you want to do to take Taeyeon back. That’s a sign that you are a good friend. And for those kind of thing,” she shook her head, “You don’t have to ask for my permission”

I gasp, “Really, Mom?!”

“Just do what you have to do. I don’t want you to experience the same thing I did”

Without thinking I jumped and spread my arms wide. I’m so happy I think I just choke her to death!

“As long as you still focus on your studies then I’m a hundred percent fine with it. Got it?”

“Of course!”

I thought she was going to say no but then what an angle my Mom is! Can’t help it, I hug her again and screamed like a child, almost get a spank on my because I’m being too loud. Then suddenly my phone rang, interrupting me from my glory.

“Yes, this is Tiffany. Oh.. Professor. What’s the occasion?”

While Mom was about to stand up leaving the bed, as soon as she heard the word ‘Professor’, she sat back in a second.

“What is it?” she asked whispering.

I can’t answer her question right away, so I just mouth signalling her to wait.

“2 weeks?” I asked, “Ah, okay”

Jeez, this is freaking me out. But then there’s Mom, “Psst”

“Of course, Professor. I don’t mind-”

“Psst”

“And where should I take the test?”

“Psst!”

“Auditorium? Alright”

“PSSSSHHHT!”

For the love of God, I beg You for mercy.

I covered the phone speaker with my hand, and...

“MOM SHOOSH!”

“...”

Finally.

“Yes? Professor? Yes, yes I’m right here. I’m sorry. Of course” I continued, “Monday it is. Thank you very much, Professor. Have a good day”

Beep-.

.

Did my soul just leave already?

“So??? what is it?”

“It’s the test. I’m having a big test 2 weeks from now”

“Oh.” she paused, “Oh my”

Indeed.

Oh my.