People passing by and I could understand a hundred percent why every pair of eyes glued to me, a girl who works as a waitress wearing a black apron around her waist, with a book on her hands. I could guess, ‘why’, they said. ‘Why would you serve coffees and pancakes to people in the morning with a book on your hand?’, they said. Well, . I have no idea.

Basically, I could count on the days with my fingers until that day finally come over and kill me. Two weeks earlier than everybody on the campus, and I’ve got nothing to prepare, yet I’m here, still figuring out what the hell did I just do to my life. Like, the is wrong with you, Tiffany, are you dumb?

Apparently, yes. I am the dumbest ever existed.

“Oh no. Oh hell no. You freaking kidding me,” Sunny throws her duster on the table, where I’m studying at with nobody’s around. I need some place at the corner, isolated from everyone.

She face palm herself, “Please tell me you’re joking. Please tell me I just seeing things,”

“Sorry. But you’re not hallucinating. I’m real and these books are too. And it’s called ” I chuckle when Sunny deepen her sigh, “Hey, don’t be like that. I really need some motivation here or some kind like that,”

“For what? You clearly not knowing what you’re doing”

I snort, focusing back on the pages, “I know that. Don’t bother mentioning it”

She narrowed her eyes at my books, as if she wants to say something but decides not to let none of them escape. It bothers me and now I can’t have my focus back, which leads me to re-read the same paragraph over and over again.

“Have you planned anything?”

No.

“Like, how long would you stay in Korea or whatever”

...No?

“What about plane tickets though, have you searched it yet?”

I nod with confidence, “It costs 456 dollars. Cheapest. I guess I’ll choose that one”

“Hm. One or two ways flight?”

Damn it! “...One way flight”

“And where do you get that much money from?”

I sigh. I know what she’s talking about, what she wants me to think and finally she got it out of my head. I never thought before, about money until she successfully provoked me to remember, I do have that much money. Oh my god, I can’t study at all.

“From my savings...”

“Exactly. So you got to choose,” she points her chin up, “Which one’s matters to you more,”

Just how much I hate that she’s right. After that my neck feels stiff and automatically I rest my messed up head to the back, leaning to the soft part of the sofa, even though it done nothing but slightly evaporate the heaviness away. I tried to massage my head, but the ache is inside, not outside.

“This is exactly why she suggested to put us into roommates,” She shakes her head, chuckling, “I can’t imagine you live alone. You need someone to take care of you, serio- wait a minute”

It’s like she just saw ghosts, or maybe she’s the ghost, slowly turning her face while her pupils are fixed on me. I wonder every possibility why suddenly she turned strange. And my eyes widen. Every muscle in my body tighten it hurts.

“Have you asked her about this?”

I bit my lip, “Should I...?”

“Of course,” she clapped her hands, “Why didn’t I think of that”

“No, you can’t!” loud enough, I could be considered shouting I even shocked myself, “Please don’t tell her this,” I make my hands holding before my face, “Don’t tell my therapist,”

“The hell are you talking about?! We have to tell her about this! We have to know her opinion! And what do you mean, ‘I can’t’? Of course I can! ”

I shook my head, “No. We don’t have to. She won’t let me and you know that”

“Because that what’s best for you!”

You’re wrong. Nobody knows what’s best for other people. Especially someone you don’t know. They listen to you with no care. They only give you drugs for temporary relief that makes you goes crazy even more.

She stares at my eyes as long as she needed for me to finally give up. For years we’ve lived in the same apartement, sharing hobbies and personalities, and she still doesn’t understand my true self.

“I tried everything. The procedures, the pills, working out, took a walk. Literally everything she suggested me I’ve done it. You name it, it doesn’t work,” She pretends she doesn’t listen. Sunny tried to escape from my way seemingly not interested in why I defend myself. She tried, but I caught her arm and her eyes before she realized it, “Sunny, for once. Hear me out”

When she finally stop resisting, I continued, “I didn’t plan to go to Korea wandering off on the street trying to reach Taeyeon just for a simple visit. Okay, you’re right. I do have problems. Those pills won’t work because I can’t find the root of the problem. Don’t you get it? Taeyeon is, my problem. I have to see her. I have to talk to her”

“Well, what is it the problem that you have in the past? And why didn’t she tell me anything before?”

“She keeps secrets. One of them is the reason why she left”

She raised her eyebrows, “So you know?”

“Yes,” Somehow my throat doesn’t feel right. My chest hurts as it hard to speak, “And sometimes I wish I don’t”

“So tell me then!”

“I can’t!”

I waited for Sunny to think about whatever running across her train of thought. I made sure she’s not giving me signs that she’s trying to shake off her arm, so I let go of my grip, and she let herself fell to the sofa, still dumbfouded.

“Is it that bad?” I know she’s still trying to accept what happened, “Those secrets?”

“Yes”

She glance over, “And you won’t tell me any of it? Even a little?”

“...Sorry,” I shook my head, “But you could help”

“Please. She’s my friend too, of course I want to help”

With that I find hope in Sunny’s eyes. I lift my hand up to the table and points my pinky finger on her, “Then promise me,”

“Promise me you won’t tell my therapist that I’m going to Korea on my own”

She stares at my finger, then to my face, questioning, “I have to promise you... with a pinky promise?” when what she actually mean was ‘are you kidding me?’

“Should we do it with stemples? Is that what you want?”

She groans,“Fine. If this is what it takes so my friends could solve their problems they have and to live a happy life,” She took it, “I promise” I can’t stop smiling to this!

“So what should I say when you’re gone?” She said.

“Say that you tried to stop me. I ran away and you don’t know where I am” I understand the risk with the excuse, and she knows too. I made it sound like a total person who lose her mind.

“You know, if I tell her that then things would turn out a lot complicated,” Her face turns solemn,“You could end up in an psychiatric hospitals”

I snort. “Rubbish”

“No. Believe me. She could. She has your record,”

“Look. All I need, is your trust on me. You don’t have to worry about a thing. I’ll be fine,” She could tell I’m trying to reassuring her, and she’s still not convinced yet, “If you trust me then she will. I believe that”

Her palm covers her forehead ,“I do believe in you. But!” She points her index finger up, and I jolt in happiness, “But, don’t make me regret any of this”

“I won’t!”

“Hey, hey, ladies! C’mon!” Out of nowhere Jett hissed. He literally screams between his whispers.I raised up my eyebrows. I guess we’re not alone now.

“I didn’t let you work here and pay you so you two can hold each others pinkie finger. Work! work!work! Sunny! get your off from the sofa!” I glance before me. And he’s right. Our fingers are still locked together.

She rolls her eye, “Jett, chill,” I smile within the view of Sunny and Jett. They’re close, even though their friendship is between a boss and his employee, “It’s not like there’s a lot people coming,”

“Yeah? Look around”

“I- oh mama”

It feels like we talked for around ten minutes and it was early in the morning. I probably won’t realize that almost all chairs behind us are taken and there’s people standing in line to pay the bills at the cashier spot, if Jett didn’t come to us half screaming, half whispering.

“Damn. Okay. Right away, boss”

I close the book and was about to stand up to follow Sunny but then Jett raised his hand, “No. Not you. I want to talk to you for a minute”

“But you said..”

Jett shakes his head and smiles, “Nah. Forget what I said. Sit, please”

I guess I don’t have much choice. A little guilt is what I feel when Sunny and Jett’s other employees wandering off with dirty plates while I’m here, sitting like I’m their costumer having a special private conversation with their boss.

“I see you’re studying for the test,” I nod, “Sunny told me already. She said you have a family business you have to attend?”

I tried to hold my laugh. Sunny lies well.

“Yeah. It’s a shame, actually. We can’t find any better day than what’s already planned”

“It must be hard for you”

“Yes, it is” I’m sorry, but why are we talking about me? “Sir, I think I should help-,”

“Whoa, whoa. Hold on,” What?What? “You still call me, ‘Sir’?”

Er... yes?

Jett touches his scruffy beard before he starts chuckling with his thick French accent. His deep voice represents a true gentleman when he laughs, and his dazzling blue eyes could melt every heart. I wonder why is he still single in his mid twenties; girls fell for him. Whoever has him as her man is indeed the luckiest girl in the world. He’s just perfect.

“You know, it’s hard to think all of you as my employee. It’s a pleasure to have you guys to help me building this place, because for me, it’s like a dream come true. I never thought of you as worker ever since, yet you,” He straightens his back, “Are the hardest one ever, to be close with”

“Well, I prefer to call you one considering you are my superior, but if you mind, then sure. Jett it is” I smile.

“That sounds better,”Jett smiles showing off his perfectly white teeth, then he pat his thigh with his palm and rub it, “Right. I’m sorry to disturb your time. Do what you have to do. Take the day off, if you like. You’re gonna kill it!”

“Thank you,” I replied. He nods and once again, throwing gorgeous smile, “I have to go, now. Good talk, Tiffany”

He took his jacket that he put on his shoulder, and before he stands up leaving the table, I cut him off suddenly remember there’s one thing I should tell him by now.

“Sir, there’s actually-,” He grins.

Yes. Of course. Silly me.

“I mean, Jett,” His grin grew wider.

“There’s something I would like to talk about my absence and probably you won’t like it”

He frowns, “What is it?”

I took a deep breath,“The date had been decided and we all agreed on that, but the thing is, we still don’t know until when. One thing for sure is that it would take more than a week”

Tiffany you dirty liar.

“So, it’ll be around two weeks?”

I shook my head. “Probably a month or so”

His eyes widen. “Wait, are you serious?” I nod. “A month? I-is it like a big family reunion? A trip?”

“It’s not reunion. But it’s important. I’m really sorry”

He scratches the back of his head. “Then that means I have to find someone else to cover your place”

“I could help you with that if you want?”

“No need. Finding a new recruitment is not as hard as you think. It’s easy, actually. Jobs is hard to find nowadays, so there should be more than one who’s like to sign up. The hard part is who to choose”

It’s good to know there’s a way out of the problem. But that doesn’t make me easly walk out as I wish. “I’ll do anything you ask me, really”

“Seriously?” he raised his eyebrows and I nod.

“Then, date me”

What.

Jett shrugs. “You said I could ask anything and you’ll do it, so...”

“Jett, anything but that,” I smirk. “Besides, I’m with someone”

“Aw, man!” add a flick of finger and he’ll be the Swiper on that ‘Dora the Explorer’ show.

“Fine. What about this”

He walked towards and leaned to the side of my right ear. I shook my head. Now I understand. Jett could be a sneaky bastard.

“Jett. It’s-,”

He pulled himself, “But it’s not a date?”

I sigh. “It’s pretty much the same”

“Technicly. But no,” He walked away. “Take it or leave it. Bye, Tiffany”

Before I could say anything, his back vanished between other people outside. Well. I guess there’s no other way.

Damn. Nickun won’t like this.

[]

“Here, catch”

My human insting lead my hands to move faster than my eyes in a milisecond when the silhuoette came and put me into an instant reflect. The thing Sunny threw at me perfectly landed in my palm. I opened the cover while Sunny opened hers, she seems to bought the same thing for two, from the streets she went earlier. Oh my. Hamburgers.

“Damn! You know me better than I am. Thanks!”

“Hey. You skipped breakfast this morning. If I didn’t get you anything, you’ll get skinnier”

I frown, “Skinnier? Did I lose weight?”

“Obviously,” She gives a bite. “I guess your diet works. You shouldn’t do it, though. Your mom will kill me if she knows”

“I’m not doing any diet, Sunny”

“Seriously?” I nod. “How did you do it, then? I mean, you look a little thinner in a few weeks” I should check myself in the mirror tonight.

“I don’t know,” I shrugs. “Stress, perhaps?”

She reaches out her hand on top of the table, grabbing the book on my hand. “Then stop reading this. This gives you stress!” . Clearly I can’t reach it since she put the goddamn book on her lap under the table.

“You need to stop being so hard on yourself. You’ve done enough. Nothing is perfect why bother trying?”

“Sunny, give it back. I need to pass”

“And you will. You just have to believe in yourself!” I could find the same quote almost everywhere. I breath out in defeat, but my mind doesn’t.

“I need you to stop playing with my mental issues”

“Oh, shut up. You’re being dramatic”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah”

“Great. Because if I’m not then who need a psychiatrist?”

“I thought you said you were fine?”

“I did. But you and mom still insist calling one”

“Oh. So you’re saying that it’s our fault that we tried to help you out?’

“No. I’m just saying that they make me think I’m crazy”

Sunny shook her head, “Nope. When she’s around, you were getting better. You can’t see it but we could spot the difference”

I roll my eyes. “Good news for you,”

The words escaped from my lips just like that. Which I thought it was not a big deal. Until then I glance to Sunny who’s been silent afterwards, and her expressions told me otherwise. Her eyebrows curl as they almost met while her eye balls almost popped out. Okay. I just said something bad.

“Are you ing serious”

I gulp. You are.

“Do you really think, that getting you help is because I care for myself?”

Her voice tone were getting higher, shocked the hell out of me. My blood rush through my veins. I put my hand on my chest where she can’t clearly see it, and my heart beats faster than before. I can’t believe it’s starting now. After all those years.

“S-sunny...” I put my hand up where it took me a lot of efforts to do that. It’s getting harder to breath. My hands are trembling. But she didn’t stop.

“This isn’t about me! I care for you! And I’m selfish for that?!” From high voice turns into screams. I need to stop her before my heart beat getting worse. “You-”

“Sunny!” My voice couldn’t match hers, I mutter while calling her with all my might, yet it’s enough to make her stop.

She catches my shaking hands, weakly asking her to stop shouting for a moment. While I tried to keep my breathing steady as it’s like I just ran for miles. I deserve to be shouted at. I shouldn’t cut her off. But I guess the timing wasn’t perfect.

“C-can I g-get some wat-water, p-please?”

Her eyes was still on me, yet I can’t look up to see what she’s actually thinking. “P-please”

“Sure,” Calmer voice. Thank goodness. “Just wait here. I’ll get you some. And don’t talk”

She left the chair, walking to my back. Her aura feels cold. It’s scary whenever someone does that, never thought in my mind that Sunny could be the next person who walked away from my life after Taeyeon.

“T-thank yo-”

“I said don’t talk”

“...”

She came back with a glass of water she poured from the kitchen. I took it with my shaky hands, hopefully it won’t slip off from my grip. I don’t even know if water could help or not. At least the cool sensations that streams down inside my chest helps a little. Another gulp is what I need and it’ll be easier to breath.

“Look,” She sits. Grabbing back the burger that fell from her hands. “I’m sorry. I guess I was just hungry”

I chuckled.

“Let’s just stop arguing, and eat the burgers I bought, okay?”

I nod. “Okay” Somehow I turned into some kind of obedient kid.

“Good. It was pointless anyway”

Same thing almost happened like 7 years ago. For all those times I’ve learned that words could cut deeper than the sharpest knife, they make invisible wounds, and it will remain open for a long time or maybe forever. Only strong people could forget such things that give them nightmares every time they go to sleep.

Yet,

I was the cause. I was the ‘pencil’. I made a lot of mistakes. And I keep making them. Ironically, crying the most at the end.

“Sorry...”

Sunny shook her head. “It’s fine,” she said, even though I could sense a little disappointment hidden within her voice. “You didn’t mean it”

I glance to her hands and a little surprise is what I had, seeing she almost ate half of it. While mine, still covered, one piece, and starting to get cold. My belly grumbles again.

“So. Have you made your mind?”

Right. That.

“Yes”

“When are you going to make a call?”

“Should I do it now?”

She shrugs. “If you want to”

I dig my pokets to find my phone, then scroll it down through all people I barely texted with, and my index finger clicked on one person with the name ‘Alan’ on it.

“Wait”

I raised my head. “What?”

“You don’t have to do this”

“You’re right, I don’t. I want to”

“Think about this,” She grabs my hand. “You’ve been saving up for years with your money. This will be the last time I ask you. Are you sure about it?”

“Don’t worry,” I smiled. “It’s just a car”

“Your hand says the otherwise”

I glance down. My hands are back trembling again. My fingers pulled back and they form a fist below Sunny’s grip because I thought it would make it stable and still, though it did not.

It’s a natural feeling from birth that we get sad when we lose something we cherish. It’s hard to get back what once was yours because you know you’re attached to it. Then for you, life couldn’t get any crueler. You lost it. As well as some part of your heart.

“It’s just a car,” I said.

Yes you’re right,Tiffany. It’s just a car. Keep lying to yourself.

you. Shut up.

“Whatever you wish” She pulled her hands. Then I took a long, deep breath.

This is it.

Yes, it is.

Am I doing the right thing?

You’re asking anxiety?

Will it be worth it?

You’re trading something you love for something you don’t even know.

Is it stupid?

Yes.

Then why am I doing this?

Taeyeon.

Damn.

Why is it getting blurry? I can’t see.

I miss her.

Yes, you do.

I miss dad too.

The car is the only thing left.

What should I do?

Choose.

Can’t I have them both?

You’re so selfish.

There won’t be turning back from this. If I call, I might lose them both.

There was no turning back ever since 7 years ago, sweety.

It wasn’t easy.

It was never meant to be easy.

I can fix it.

Then call.

I waited for him to pick up. It was a short waiting. Or maybe I was thinking something else until his voice greeted my hearing. But not as short as the call I made. Everything I said was so simple to understand, but maybe too constant for him. I repeated the same sentence over and over again after he asked questions. ‘I cancel it all’. And every time I said it, my heart breaks.

Then he hung up. The deal is off.

I put my phone down before I ran into Sunny and sit beside her. She circled her arms around my shoulders. Her collar was a little wet because I cried there. I tried to hide so no one else could see, but tears left marks. Everything was alright before. Then my eyes decided to be sad without my permission.

“You’ll get over this” Was the only thing that came out of her the whole time. I could only nod.

Between the growing hollow inside my heart, I thank God to let me have Sunny beside me. If she wasn’t there when I first met her, I’ll probably cry alone.

. I thought everything was going well.