Tag: 2Eun(maybe?)

Date: 28 February 2018

-----

Try living a life where you are lost.

Not in the road or a country.

Maybe... lost in your mind, where you have no control over yourself. Some calls it over-thinking. While some calls it hullicinating. But for me, what I have gone through, it's called depression.

What does it feel like to have depression?

Lost, as what I've mentioned earlier.

Alone, where you felt like nobody was by your side.

Gone, when you have no sense of what your life is.

Let me share to you my story of how I was Lost In The Darkness

.

.

.

Me: And with that, I conclude my presentation on the topic of financial planning.

-Awkward silence-

Hyerim: hey, do you know that you did badly? No one even like that presentation you useless fool.

I sighed. I hate her alot. She keeps talking about negative things to me. But what can I do when it is real? 

No one liked the presentation.

No one liked me.

I am a useless fool.

When I think back about those words, it struck me. Why am I still living here? Who is that talking to me? I am useless but how did he or she identify that in me? I hate myself so much, that I didn't knew that at least that thing knows what I truly am.

I opened the door to my dorm, where I share with my bestfriend, Naeun. 

Hyerim: Hey, I told you to drop out. Why are you still coming back here?

To keep my stuff. To run away from reality. To go to a sacred place. I told myself. 

I continued sighing and went to the bathroom. As I took out every article of clothing from my body, a line will say 'peek-a-boo' to me. Each line, stands for each day of suffering. Thank god they are not used by any sharp things. But still I want to attempt it. I on the showerhead, and allowed the water to flow past every inch of my body.

1..

2..

3..

4..

19 lines in total. I thought you were just a regular emotional side of me. You retained in my body longer than I've expected. You drove my world into insanity. You made me feel lonely. You destroyed me.

**Voice** : Ya Eunji unnie, stop wasting water!

Hyerim: You see? Even your crush hates you.

SHUT THE HELL UP. I shouted to myself. I turn off the water and began allowing my scars to play 'peek-a-boo'. I came out of the shower room, eye-in-eye with Naeun.

She stared at me. Those eyes in which I can recognise that it is... somehow worrying. 

Hyerim: You're imaginating stuff. JUST GET THAT KNIFE ON YOUR TABLE AND DO YOUR STUFF!

I hate it. I do not want to be controlled by you anymore! Ignoring the fact that Naeun is watching me hysterically talking to myself, I took my keys and phone and sprinted as far as possible from my dorm. As I was running, I heard a faint shout of Naeun asking me to stop. I could not allow her to see me thing way.

When I arrived at the staircase corner, I looked on my hand. What I took was not my keys and phone. What I took was my knife and phone. Oh golly. Hyerim in the action of controlling whatever the heck I need to do.

Hyerim: Do it now, Jung Eunji.

No I can't. I stared at the knife and clenched it tightly around my palm. No, I am not useless. No, there are people who care for me. No, people recognize me as who I am.

I let go of the knife slightly, and called someone I could trust. Yoon Bomi. She knows what I am going through. She knows what the heck that thing is telling me to do. She knows that I am living in the darkness right now.

A few minutes later, my lifeline arrived. I passed to her my knife, and assured that I did not do anything. She smiled and patted my back. Bomi told me a few words of encouragment and left.

Leaving my alone in the staircase was not a good idea. Maybe it's what I want to have. But it's not what I need. 

Hyerim: Now that you're alone... WHAT YOU STUPID FOOL HOW CAN YOU GIVE YOUR KNIFE AWAY!

I hate it when she shouts into my mind. I want to curse but I promised Naeun-ie that I will not do it anymore. I sighed. What can I do right?

I stared into space, thinking about why this is happening. Bomi scolded me before saying that maybe it was self-esteem issues. But I figure that it may just be accumulative stress causing it to happen. I could not care less.

Thinking that I am okay now, I went back to the dorm, surprised by what I see when I arrived. Yoon Bomi, sitting beside Naeun. When Naeun saw me, she stood up, ran to me and gave me a hug.

Naeun: Hyerim-ah, please go away. I want my Eunji unnie only and only her.

The energy in my body rose up. It felt like something disappeared from me. Like some darkness lifting away from my life. My eyes was widened up to the point where I can see my purpose now. Naeun.

Why did I bother to give attention to my voice who calls herself, Hyerim?

Why did I not give myself a chance in believing that I am worthless?

All I know now is the answers to all these questions were to believe in yourself and do not give in to negative opinions from yourself.

-----

A/N: Hi guys! Sorry for disappearing for so long... I was having a hard time maybe? And I finally want to let this out. Hope yall kinda enjoy this ty chapter(holy i just said not to believe in my negative opinion!). 

Till next time! Bye!

crazyBJ