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The preschool is loud as always, with children running around screaming every direction. Fortunately, Jongin spots the same teacher he saw last time, which makes it easier to talk.
 
“Oh, hello,” she says, recognizing him. “Are you here for Sowon again?”
 
“Yes. I don’t think I’ve introduced myself last time. I’m Kim Jongin, Sehun’s―”
 
“―lover, right?” she finishes with a giggle. “I saw the news, you know. I didn’t realize you were the president of Kim Foundations. My parents’ apartment complex is constructed and owned by your company, you know?”
 
“Ah, yes…” Jongin had forgotten that, to the outside world, Sehun and him are still dating. Their break up is only known between them. And, well, Kai.
 
“I’ll call Sowon out, please wait here.”
 
Jongin nods while the teacher merrily walks off to find the child.
 
He stares blankly at a patch of grass by his feet while his ears are ringing.
 
The child.
 
His child.
 
.
 
“Oh, Uncle Jongin!” a voice calls out before Sowon runs up to him. “You’re here!”
 
“Hi Sowon,” Jongin greets, voice strangled as he bends down to pick the child up into his arms.
 
“Where’s daddy?”
 
“He’s not feeling well. That’s why I’m taking you to see him, so you can cheer him up. Is that alright?”
 
“Is daddy sick?” Sowon’s face drop.
 
“No, he’s just tired from… work. I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you and he’ll feel better in no time!”
 
“Okay, then let’s go! Bye-bye, Ms. Hwang!”
 
As the child cheerfully waves at his teacher, Jongin takes the time to glance at his face.
 
And stares.
 
Because if you study closely, Sowon does have Jongin’s features. Then again, given that Kai and him are twins, it wasn’t far-fetched to think he has Jongin’s features because he has Kai’s features.
 
It’s not like he hasn’t entertained the thought before. As soon as he found out it was Sehun who who had given birth and the timeline, the only conclusion he could come to was that he had gotten pregnant during his second year in high school, or Kai and Jongin’s last year.
 
He had entertained the thought―the possibility―but he had brushed it off, as frevently as he could, because he didn’t believe in hope. Not anymore. Not when there is no such thing as hope in this world and every opportunity that you can get―you have to snatch it and fight for it yourself.
 
So even though the timeline matched, he had told himself that Sowon was still Kai’s child since, surely, Kai and Sehun must’ve had together before while they were dating. Jongin and Sehun only had one time―one night that barely lasted for a few hours, so what are the possibilities that Sowon is his child instead of Kai’s?
 
Not very high at all.
 
But apparently high enough that it’s actually true.
 
“Oh god…” Jongin mumbles unconsciously.
 
“Uncle Jongin?”
 
Jongin snaps out of his thoughts to see the child staring at him curiously. “Hmn?” he hums as they approach his car and get inside the backseat. His chauffeur knows where to go.
 
“You look like you’re thinking of a hard problem. Like how Sowon looks like when I’m counting apples!”
 
Jongin chuckles, patting him on the head. “You’re so smart, Sowon. I do have a hard problem. I wish I know the answer to it, though.”
 
“What is your problem?”
 
“On what to do to make your daddy happiest.”
 
“Daddy says he is happy as long as the people he loves are by his side!” Sowon divulges with bright eyes. “That’s why Sowon is always by daddy’s side, so he won’t be lonely!”
 
“Yeah, that seems like Sehun alright,” Jongin comments lightly, but he only feels his heart prickling inside.
 
Sehun is happy as long as the people he loves are by his side…
 
But Jongin doesn’t think he is one of those people.
 
He can’t make Sehun happy.
 
“Uncle Jongin? Why do you look so sad?”
 
Jongin blinks. Sowon is exceptionally perceptive for a child. Maybe because he takes after Sehun.
 
“Because…” he replies slowly. “I have something, but I’m not sure I deserve it…”
 
“What is deserve?”
 
“It’s… like, when you do something good, and you get a reward for it.”
 
“Oh! Like how Sowon gets candy from teacher when I turn in my homework every morning?”
 
“Haha, yeah.”
 
“Then what is your reward?”
 
You, Jongin wants to say. And I don’t know how to deal with this. Don’t know if I have the capabilities to be a father to you.
 
Don’t know if I can be a good father for you.
 
Jongin knows there is something wrong inside him. Something very intrinsically wrong. There must be, for he has no physical nor emotional attachment to anyone, no matter how much he tries. Everytime he meets someone new, he will automatically categorize them into either ‘people who can be of use to me’ and ‘people who can’t and will be in my way’.
 
Because that’s how life is: you either use others, or let yourself be used by others.
 
Every man he had befriended to get a business contract. Every woman he’d charmed to use her family’s connections. His parents, whom had given him the company reluctantly after Kai left, and didn’t know he had been making secret deals w