{G}

There was an ache in her heart that Ga Eul was trying to ignore. A feeling that only considered to twist inside her chest and yet somehow here she found herself again. One week. One week since Yi Jeong had been injured and one week since she had seen the cold, distant, and broken. This was more than her pain. It was the pain that she could see in YI Jeong’s eyes when he last looked at her. The way his eyes tried to fight the pain. She could see all of it. His words hurt and Ga Eul kept feeling her heart sink when she heard him tell her he hated her. Fighting back tears and taking a deep breath she knocked on the door before walking in to find the room empty.

This was one of her many attempts that week to try and get Yi Jeong to react. She wanted to be able to talk things out with him. Each time she was not allowed to go in his room. Yet Ga Eul still had hope. Mainly because Yi Jeong had not asked security to her out and for that, she was sure that there was just a glimmer of hope. Deep down in her heart she knew Yi Jeong wasn’t really like this. She had seen him the past few weeks. The real Yi Jeong. The guy whose smile was charming yet boyish at the same time. The person who had been kind to her, friendly and had tried to open up to her. More than that, Ga Eul could not forget how sweet and gentle Yi Jeong had been to her through out their trip and time spent together. Even if his sweet side had only given her glances of who Yi Jeong was she believed in him.

She thought of those eyes and that person that had confessed he was afraid to be alone. Those eyes that spoke to her like an open book which she realized were begging her to stay with him and yet. That moment in the hospital where he had angrily spoken to her and told her he hated her felt like quite the opposite. His eyes were once again wild, like a wounded animal begging for mercy. Out of fear. Why did he fear her? How could he be afraid of her? Ga Eul truly believed in her heart that Yi Jeong was afraid to feel more. She could feel her heart being squished again and sighed.

“The patient is gone.”
Startled out of her thoughts Ga Eul turned to see a nurse and offered a weak smile. The woman smiled back kindly.

“He checked himself out quite early in the morning. I’ve had to tell his relatives and his friends.” The nurse explained.

“He’s technically still a minor.”
“He was. Quite persistent. We had no choice.” The nurse spoke. Bowing politely Ga Eul headed out taking her phone out only to realize she’d had it on silent and had missed the several calls and text messages from her friends. All of them telling her about Yi Jeong and none off them being able to contact him.

Worried Ga Eul sped out of the hospital toward her moped. Her heart racing. She was afraid for him. His wild eyes flashing in her head and she honestly hoped that for everyone’s sake he would get through this. For now, she was going to go find him.

{A}

It was a quarter to 3 and Ariel nervously bit her lip while she waited outside her school gate. Sending what felt like the hundredth text message to Ga Eul, having already left hundreds of voicemails Ariel continued to nervously shake her leg as she sat against the school gate.

“No luck?” Jae Ha questioned sitting beside her.

“No.” Ariel spoke.

“Yi Jeong isn’t answering his phone either. This is bad. For both of them.”
“It’s his fault you know. That Ga Eul is not answering. We both know.”
“I know.” Ariel spoke interrupting him.

“But I also know this isn’t Yi Jeong’s fault.” Ariel spoke her voice soft yet stern as she looked back at her friend.

“We shouldn’t just sit around he have to find her.” Jae Ha spoke to her.

“I know. Ji Hoo sempai is coming to pick me up. I asked him to help me look for Ga Eul and Yi Jeong. The guys have been out all day looking for them.”
“If only mom would have let me miss today.” Ariel spoke.

“You’ve missed plenty and besides. We were only informed after we were in class we couldn’t skip and we have important exams.”
“Ga Eul and Yi Jeong are more important.” Ariel spoke up.

The roaring of a motorcycle engine was heard from a distance and Ariel found herself smiling feeling just a tad bit relieved upon seeing Ji Hoo. He didn’t offer her a smile, nor did he acknowledge Jae Ha who was beside her. His expression was calm though Ariel could tell he was worried. Grabbing a helmet which he kept on his motorcycle Ji Hoo offered it to her.

“We’ll search around the city for her and you should go check around the area where we live, the park.” Ariel spoke to Jae Ha who nodded.

“I doubt she’ll be there. If she’s looking for him.” Jae Ha told her.

“Try anyway.” Ji Hoo spoke up as Ariel got on his motorcycle and they both took off.

“We’ll find them both won’t we Sempai?” Ariel questioned with worry while they sped through the streets. Her question however was met with silence and that only worried her and caused her to grip on to Ji Hoo’s waist just a little tighter.

{G}

Empty. This place which she had gone with Yi Jeong where the grass seemed the greenest and the earth the most beautiful while the flowers had danced and the earth seemed to sparkle with the ray of the sun was empty. She’d checked the mall, the skating rink, even that restaurant that Yi Jeong had taken her on that awful date and there had been no sign of him. She’d called, messaged, texted him and had not received any reply. It felt as if he had somehow left her behind and there was this pain in her heart which could not go away.

She doesn’t know just how long she’d been standing there out in that empty flower bed field but she’d missed the sound of her phone ringing again. She wanted to be strong. But the truth was that she was heartbroken. This beautiful place where she had once stood along side Yi Jeong felt dead. The flowers did not dance, the wind did not whisper and its beauty had faded away.

Her mind flashes back to the moment when they were here. Yi Jeong’s smile is still in her head and the way he had looked at her that day. The sweet and relaxed moments they’d had here together which now felt so far away. She can see both of them laying on the grass while she reads and Yi Jeong sleeps. His head resting on her lap. She recalls him frowning in his sleep and wishes this time it would be like that. She wishes all she had to do was reach out and take away that frown but this was more than a nightmare. This was a pain and a sad reality which Yi Jeong had lived with his entire life. This was more than his broken hand which Ga Eul understood was part of his pain. She understood that this pain went beyond more than even she had imagined. All Ga Eul wanted was to be by Yi Jeong’s side to comfort him and make him realize that not everyone would hurt him. She wasn’t going to hurt him. She loved him. She recalls the time at the ocean as she gazes out into the empty field of flowers and it somehow seems like she’s back by that beautiful view. Her memory so vivid as if watching a movie of her and Yi Jeong play out.

When Ga Eul wakes up she thinks she’s by the ocean. There’s that soft scent as the wind blows and she smiles to herself. She feels so well rested and only sits up when she hears a chuckle. Gasping and quite startled she pushes herself away from the warmth thinking that someone had come into her room. Instinctively she places her arms around herself trying to cover herself from whatever ert has come in her room. She wants to scream but when she realizes she’s outside and So Yi Jeong is staring at her with an amused look on his face she blushes.

“I fell asleep.” She states dumbly and Yi Jeong nods before turning back to what he was doing. There is a book in his hands and Yi Jeong is quite amused by it. His eyes seem to be rapidly reading the words and then he turns the page.

It takes Ga Eul a second to realize it’s her book and she instinctively takes it away feeling like someone has suddenly read her diary which contains her deepest inner thoughts. There’s a look of surprise on Yi Jeong’s face and then he chuckles and shakes his head.

“Sorry. I. It’s my book.” Ga Eul managed to say to him.

“Yes. I know.” Yi Jeong tells her. The amusement in his voice not leaving.

“It’s quite interesting.”

“Thank you.”
“For a fairytale.” Yi Jeong added with a smirk which caused Ga Eul to frown when she realized he was making fun of her.

“You don’t believe in soulmates?” Ga Eul questioned him.

There is a long pause and Yi Jeong seems quiet and Ga Eul knows his answer before he even speaks.

“No.”
“Do you believe in love?” Ga Eul asked. Something quick flickered in Yi Jeong’s eyes and it was clear to her that it was pain.

“No.” He spoke to her again.

She hadn’t realized it then but now she does understand him better. More than she’s ever had. She’d been so wrong and so blind to not realize just how vulnerable Yi Jeong had been or why it was that he felt that way about love and who were the causes of Yi Jeong’s pain. She could understand as much and yet, why had he chosen now to push her away. Why now that things seemed to be heading in another direction for both of them. She’d felt it. His actions had spoken louder than his words and Ga Eul truly believed and felt in her heart that Yi Jeong had also begun to feel the same things she had.

Tears welled inside her eyes and her lip began to quiver before a sob escaped her lips interrupting the silence. Placing a hand to as she shook Ga Eul could only cry.

“I love you Yi Jeong Sunbae. Do you love me?” She thought to herself only for her question to be met by silence. The sound of her phone was heard yet again and Ga Eul was about to turn it off only to realize it was her parents calling from home again. With a large sniffle she tried to even her breaths while wiping her tears and forcing a smile as she answered her phone.

“Hello.”
“Where are you?” Her mother asked her voice filled with worry.

“You didn’t attend school today.”
“Sorry mom.” Ga Eul spoke.

“I just. Needed a few moment to myself but I’m alright.”
“Come home.” Her father spoke through the line his voice firm.

“Yes dad.” Ga Eul spoke.

“I’ll be home soon.” She spoke with a kind voice just before hanging up. Wiping at the few stray tears that fell down her cheeks Ga Eul sighed.

“There’s still that place.” She speaks to herself recalling the kiln. Heading to her moped she forced herself to smile. There was still hope. And Ga Eul was determined not to lose it.

{J.H}

It was well passed midnight. The streets were empty and Ji Hoo was exhausted. He’d spent most of the day out with Woo Bin, Jun Pyo, Jae Kyung and Jan Di searching for Yi Jeong and Ga Eul. Ji Hoo was aware that Ga Eul was alright. Mainly because she seemed to be level headed most of the time and he knew that she was no doubt looking for Yi Jeong. He’d dropped Ariel off at her house a few hours ago and had spent the rest of the night out scouting clubs and for Yi Jeong with Jun Pyo and Woo Bin. He’d received a message from Ariel a few minutes after he’d left her at her house in which she told him Ga Eul had arrived safely at her home.

Ji Hoo knew that at some point Ga Eul and Yi Jeong would need to talk. Sooner rather than later an encounter between them would happen. Mainly because they did both attend the same school and now, they both shared their friends with one another. It was a relationship which Ji Hoo and the rest of F4 had known was headed in a good direction. Ga Eul was good for Yi Jeong. She seemed to provide what Yi Jeong needed, what he lacked and they seemed to just fit together upon glance.

Yet, here Yi Jeong was nursing a drink at a bar more than a little drunk from the way he swayed back and forth. All hope was not lost however, Ji Hoo noted. Simply because Yi Jeong was not accompanied by the usual dumb and dumber bimbos that usually surrounded Yi Jeong.

“You haven’t picked up any of our calls.” Ji Hoo speaks. Though Yi Jeong doesn’t answer and simply swings his drink back cringing at the burn of the alcohol and asking the bartender for more.

“Cut him off.” Ji Hoo speaks and motions for the bartender to leave them alone. Something the man does knowing exactly who Ji Hoo is.

“What are you my mother?”

“Ga Eul’s missing.” Ji Hoo speaks and immediately Yi Jeong stiffens. It’s subtle, and quick but Ji Hoo notices. Just like he notes that Yi Jeong is not using his broken hand as he grips his empty glass of scotch.

A chuckle escapes Yi Jeong as he continues to gaze forward, his mind seems to be far away as he speaks.

“She’s fine.”
“You wouldn’t be this calm if Ga Eul was missing.”
“She was missing.” Ji Hoo speaks.

“She spent the entire day out looking for you.”
“She wouldn’t want to see you like this.”

Another chuckle. Yi Jeong then turns to look at him.

“What do you want?”
“I’m your friend. I care.”
“Do you remember that time when we were kids. You all. Came to my house and I had to tell you all about my psychotic mother.” Yi Jeong speaks bitterly.

“I didn’t want to talk about my feelings then and I don’t fell anything for it now.”
“You wouldn’t be this way if that were true.”
“I’ve become useless. This hand is useless.” Yi Jeong speaks.

“There’s therapy-”
“It won’t be the same.” Yi Jeong speaks.

“You can’t be sure even if that were true what about Ga Eul?”
“She means nothing to me.” Ji Hoo speaks.

“Are you sure?” Ji Hoo asks only to be met with silence by Yi Jeong.

“So if I were to date her. If I were to pursue her in the same way you did. If I were to get her to love me would you be okay with that?”

Yi Jeong is silent and Ji Hoo watches something brief flicker in his friends’ eyes before he laughs and speaks.

“Didn’t think she was your type.”
“What with you being in love with Seo Hyun and all. I thought there would never be another girl. If anything, I thought you’d go for Ariel. But sure. If you want to date Ga Eul then do so.

Ji Hoo feels anger at Yi Jeong’s statement and he can only suppress it as he watches Yi Jeong call the bartender over and order another drink.

“Don’t regret this late then.” Ji Hoo says sincerely.

“You won’t forgive yourself if you let the person you love go.”

{Y.J}

There was nothing left. It felt as if everything was an out of body experience. The world felt full of smoke. It was cold and it was dark. Yet, Yi Jeong felt unaffected. Like the world had gone numb and he could feel nothing. At this point. He no longer cared about anything or anyone.

He’d checked himself out that morning from the hospital. Mainly because it was suffocating. The worst part for him was having Ga Eul visit every single day. He wouldn’t allow her inside. He’d felt stupid and out of place with Ga Eul. It had been more than a little naïve to have ever thought of having anything with her. She was a light, an innocence, and kindhearted person who was too pure to even touch. All her qualities were things that Yi Jeong felt that he never had and if he did at one point; he had lost that a very long time ago.

The only thing that he could offer Ga Eul, the one thing he believed was his own; pottery, had been taken from him. Finding himself alone in his home was not that unusual. In fact, from the moment Il Hyun had left a few years ago, it was not uncommon for Yi Jeong to be alone. Most of the times he could block things out with women, alcohol and his friends. But by the end of the day he would always come back to this emptiness. He was on his way to his room when he was startled by Ariel’s mother. It was weird to even picture that this woman had actually taken care of him as a child.

“Your home.” Mr. Lee spoke with a kind smile.

“I don’t mean to intrude but because you didn’t want to come to our home I thought it would be best if I came and made a few things for you to eat.”
 

It was miniscule but just for a moment Yi Jeong wondered what it would have been like had he been raised by this woman and not his mother. It was yet another thing he felt that he had been cheated of all because his parents could not pull themselves together long enough to raise or care for he and his brother.

“It will be okay.” Mrs. Lee spoke, earning Yi Jeong’s attention once again.

“Life has many pains and struggles but there are joys and things like love that can always lessen the scars given to us by our pasts.”
“Not for me.” Yi Jeong wanted to say instead he offered her a fake smile.

“I won’t ask why you’re not in school nor will I say anything in regards to what happened. But feel free to come talk to your uncle and I. I know we weren’t there for you or your brother for a very long time.”
“Il Hyun’s let me know the circumstances.” Yi Jeong spoke up.

“Good.” Mrs. Lee spoke to him softly.

“You do have a home and a family. When you’re ready you can come live with us or even visit. It would make everyone happy. Even you.” With those words being spoke Mrs. Lee offered Yi Jeong a kind smiled. There was hesitation as she wanted to hug Yi Jeong but opted not to. Yi Jeong was glad for that. Affection or any type of kindness at the moment felt sour.

The main door of the large house closed. It’s echo once again leaving Yi Jeong alone. Where as before he hated this feeling he now welcomed it. Heading to the kitchen he found a few side dishes and food that he’d never had before. His mother usually had a personal chef to cook for them. But it was no secret that they would be fired once every three months at the latest. The quickest had been three weeks. The house was once again emptied of maids or servants for that matter mainly because it always felt pointless to keep anyone around after his mother had an episode. His father was never home as it was and Yi Jeong mostly spent his time away from home as well.

“She’s gone that’s good.” His father spoke coming out of his study. It was something Yi Jeong was not ready for and honestly it would have shaken him if he had cared. He knew there was no point in asking his father why he had done what he had. Just like there was no point in asking him if he felt guilty for ruining his career as a potter. There was too much to be angry about and YI Jeong was done. He wanted to feel nothing anymore.

His father was silently standing before him his eyes landing on Yi Jeong’s hand which was still bandaged up. At any other time other than this maybe Yi Jeong would have moved his hand away from his father’s view but he felt like none of that mattered anymore and allowed him to stare.

“You won’t ask me anything?” His father questioned.

“Would I get an answer from you?” Yi Jeong questioned back.

“They say you could gain your hand back with therapy”

It was odd. Almost as if his father was caring at that particular moment and Yi Jeong found himself laughing. As if it had been the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard. His father did not say a word to him instead continued to watch as he laughed.

“It’s always so simple for you.” Yi Jeong speaks.

“We both know it should have been you instead of me. And yet here we are.”
“Don’t pretend to be civilized with me when you have always hated me. Or is this some sort of way to rid yourself of guilt that you feel for what happened?” Yi Jeong questions only to laugh once more.

“Would the great So potter care for me?”
Once again Yi Jeong’s questions were met by silence which only confirmed something Yi Jeong always knew.

“Of course not. Because as always this is about you.” Yi Jeong says to him.

“You should be proud of yourself. To have made your wife go mad.”
“I did nothing to her.” Mr. So speaks up. His voice remaining calm as he looks back at Yi Jeong.

“She’s the one who refuses to accept a reality that has always been part of our relationship. From the moment she accepted an arranged marriage between our respective families. She pushed for us to be together knowing I felt absolutely nothing for her.”
 

This wasn’t something that Yi Jeong hadn’t already heard of form both his parents. It was a reality that he’d learned of long ago and he’d learned to live with it.

“I know. But this is much your fault as it is hers. You’re the coward that still remains with her even when you don’t love her.”
“I had no choice the person I did love would have been destroyed by my own father.”
“Then you should know how to let go so you don’t hurt the people you care about.” Yi Jeong speaks his mind flashing an image of Ga Eul. He doesn’t realize that he’s shown emotion but his father does. His expression catches the other man off guard once again.

“You care too much about what society thinks. People that are not and will never be your friends. Grandfather died years ago and yet here you are still poisoning this family like a plague.”
“You’ve ruined the lives of every person living in this house including yours. What have you gained from this life?”

With nothing more to say Yi Jeong simply turned to leave.

“That girl. From the hospital. Ga”

“Means nothing.” Yi Jeong cut his father off before finally walking out of his house and leaving his father there. He could hear his phone vibrate for the hundredth time and simply turned it off as he once again ignored another call from Ga Eul. His throat ached as if begging him to drink. This was something he was use to. It was a feeling of being immune of many emotions and this was something he needed to rely on. Women would naturally flock to him and in order to forget that face that continued to flash in his mind he would use someone else to get rid of that person.

***

The ground was shaky as Yi Jeong walked. He’d left yet another bar and couldn’t really tell just how late it was only that Ji Hoo’s visit had been hours ago and the sun was starting to rise once again. There was nothing more to say regarding that person. The alcohol was doing things to his mind just enough for him not to really think too much about her. He was sure that at one point women had approached him at the many clubs and bars that he had visited during that night but that face continued to flash in his mind and it irritated Yi Jeong to be unable to really do anything. Just when he would begin to flirt with a woman her face would popup in his head and he’d send another one away.

Yi Jeong could hardly manage to stay on his feet but he did so by holding on to the wall for support. His driver had dropped him off at his kiln and while he stumbled to make his way inside. He barely manages to sit on the bench he has inside and he sighs. His body feels tired again. Like a weight has settled on his shoulders once more. He remembers that his phone has been off and reaches inside his pant pocket for it turning it on in the process.

It comes as no surprise to him when he sees hundreds of text messages, voicemails and missed calls all from his friends. Including her. His first instinct is to erase everything on his phone but while his friends have left hundreds of messages and voicemails she has only left one voice message. Yi Jeong stares it his phone screen for a moment willing himself to delete this message but before he can change his mind he decides to hear it.

“Yi Jeong Sunbae” Her voice brings pain back to his chest and yet he can’t stop himself from listening to her.

“It’s late. I’m standing outside your kiln. I thought… I just thought…” Her voice trails off without really finishing and Yi Jeong can tell that she’s crying.

“Why won’t you see me?”

“I know you’re in pain Sunbae. You might feel like no one will understand you or stay by your side because of what’s happened. But you aren’t alone. You have your brother. Your aunt and uncle, Our friends. They’re all so worried about you. And Sunbae…” There’s a long pause again and Yi Jeong doesn’t know whether or not he should continue listening to this.

“You have me.”
“And Sunbae. I’m not going anywhere and I won’t give up on you even if you’ve given up on yourself.” With those words the voicemail ends and without realizing it Yi Jeong finds himself crying again.

{G}

It felt draining and painful to wait for a reply. Morning was almost there and Ga Eul was sure now more than ever that Yi Jeong was not going to answer her. While she lay in her bed comforted only by her blanket she thought about what was to happen next. One of the people she cared about was pushing her away. The person she liked was in pain and Ga Eul felt so powerless. One thing to her was clear. She was not going to give up.