I can’t.

I sat down helplessly on my older brother’s bed and felt its soft blanket with the palm of my right hand. I wish he can tell me to stop crying every single time I remember him. I wish he can give me a warm hug. I hope he can sing me a song when I feel this pain inside my heart.

I stared blankly on his cabinet opposite to my direction. His clothes were still there, folded nicely and his scent is still evident in this cold chamber. I clutched his graduation picture on my other hand and rubbed it on my chest. I hope the wound that I have right now could bleed. I seriously wanted to get this deep hole in my heart healed but it is not possible. It cannot happen as soon as I like.

“Oppa, you are so selfish.”  - was the only sentence that I can say over and over again. I want to punch his face for not telling me that he is dying. I want to scream at him for not letting me know that we do not have enough time left to hang out. If I just knew, I could have visited him sooner. But my ignorance caused me all these regrets.

Now he is gone. Leukaemia took him from me.

He did not even allow me to attend his burial. He is so mean that he even wrote it down not to let me know until I finish my final exams. Now, how am I going to endure this? I am not going to let this pass just like this. I stopped all my silent sobs. I stood up and went to his table to open his laptop and discovered that he even changed his password without me knowing.

Okay, I will forgive him on this part since I will be avenging myself soon after all the things that he did.

“Do you really have to do this Kahel?” I heard my mother’s voice outside the room. She kept asking me this question a couple of times now.

“You know I won’t stay put until I get it by myself.” I told her roughly.

“I know you are also mad at me because I conspired with your brother but you shouldn’t take his last note seriously. It can be a trap.” she is sincere with her words but I don’t think it is enough to stop me.

“Mom, please stop thinking that I am mad at you. I am just upset on what you’ve done but looking at it closely, you do not have any other choice when he begged for your help.” I understand what she went through. Her emotional pain might be a lot deeper than mine but being stubborn is one of the things that I am best at.

“Okay, I trust your brother’s plan. Now, I will convince myself to trust you too with your decision. Always remember that we are here for you.” She paused while trying to control her tears.

“Your father already arranged the documents. Your grades are not a problem as well. You can transfer to your brother’s school anytime you’d like. Give us a call when you need anything.” She walked towards me and squeezed my hand.

She touched my cheek for the last time and said - “Do your best.”

“Ya! Are you still planning to do an ugly cry?! Come, I’ll drive you to the bus station.” My father interrupted. He gave me a warm encouraging smile as he showed me his car keys dangling on his index finger.

Our parents are the complete opposites. My mother is a very emotional person while my father is someone who goes with the flow. She is an introvert and he is an extrovert. I do not really know how they fell in love but their weaknesses and strength seemed to compliment in a good way.  Now that Oppa is gone, I am the only one left to balance them.

“I think Ace had a very awesome reason why he left that for Kahel. I trust his judgement since he is our son. And I also believe that you‘re going to gain something from it too my daughter. Now let’s go!” he said with a determined voice. I followed him while my mother held my hand on our way out.

 I sat at the back seat as usual; both of them sat side by side and began to exchange stories on different things while on our way. I need to distract myself. I pulled out my brother’s letter from the pocket of my bag and tried to read it again subjectively.

DongSaeng,

You can’t be mad while reading this. You might end up tearing this apart if that happens. I know you cannot avoid it but kindly read until the end and after that, you may decide whether you’ll abandon this letter or not.

You do not know that I am sick. I am not ready to leave you yet and I know that you cannot say goodbye properly as well. I’d love it if we can end things in a cool way just like the way we always do.

You need to transfer to my school before this year ends. I know that it will ruin your school calendar but I believe that you’d be excited to be in an adventure with my memories right? I have a gift for you but you need to solve a puzzle first to open it.

Other than you, I have 6 more people that I totally treasure. They will be my substitute. Call them Oppa when you meet them. It will lessen your pain. I am not sorry.

Each of them has a riddle for you to answer. They will ask you when they think that you are ready but keep it in mind that it will only happen once. A key will be given to you in every correct answer together with an extra item too. Exciting isn’t it?

I prepared this specially for you because I love you so much my little sister!

FIGHTING! ♥

Your Awesome Oppa,

Ace

P.S. The box has 6 locks sooo you won’t be able to open it if you miss one key XDDD

Is this supposed to be funny? A good bye letter with this kind of message makes me want to dig his grave and shove this to his throat. Ugh.

Until the end, he wanted to paint a smile on my face but I cannot understand why it has to be this way.

My dad stopped the car in front of a convenience store near the bus station. He said that I would need to get down on that area since it is already rush hour and it is impossible to find a free parking spot. I nodded in an instant and went out with my baggage.

My mother opened her car window and tried to shout – “Keep safe!”

I made a quick turn to wave on their direction and boarded the bus as soon as I see its destination sign.

I’ve seen my brother did this so many times whenever he will leave in this same station. He told me that he need to get inside when there are still a lot of empty seats because it will just take a short while when people will be on a standing ticket purchase.

I took the seat at the back of the driver. I miss him by my side. He is always my seatmate in every trip but now – I guess I will be sharing my space with a stranger. I wore one of my brother’s denim long sleeves to top my oversized grey shirt and had jeans to partner my white sneakers. Oppa’s huge duffle bag contained all my stuff while my back pack stayed close to me as it hanged on my shoulder.

I took out my phone to check on the school’s website and I just discovered that it is still under development.

Why did he study here? I suddenly felt a strong desire to talk to the admin and fix this website myself. I cannot imagine that I left the best IT school for a rural university. I hope their curriculum matches mine. I am an unofficial graduate from my university and currently taking a rest while waiting for diploma’s release to find a job.

Snidley University, please be good to me.

One of the things that made my mother worried about this is the fact that I will be in a very unusual situation soon. Upon giving me the last letter from my brother, she already knew that this will happen. Ace Oppa is the person who orchestrated all of these and it will be one of the strangest setup ever. He already did all the negotiation and asked for their consent of course.

It is almost the end of the school term. The university is a 4 hour drive away from the city where our house is located; I need to rent a dormitory for sure. The time frame is not ideal since there is a very low possibility for vacant rooms. I knew how hard it is. Oppa had to endure 6 months of travelling back and forth in order to go to school on his first year. He lived like a homeless person before for about a year and a half hunting for a suitable space for him which is conducive for learning – he’s such a poor soul.

It was his 3^rd year when a brand new dorm opened and he got the chance to somehow get in. Remembering the story about it, the President of the school who owns it did not want just any tenant to occupy it. It sounded like; they applied to live there so that it will be maintained in a good condition and at the same time, serve as a model sanctuary for students.

He was the seventh person, more like a special one because there are originally 6 rooms designated for boarders and the one given to my brother was the room for the landlord. Ace Oppa had the chance to apply his talent as a young architectural design student on that structure too; he downsized the number of rooms into three instead. The owner seemed to trust him to remodel it. I don’t know if I should be thankful that I will be occupying my late brother’s room in just a matter of hours from now.

I didn’t have any roommates in previous school. Now, this scenario will be completely amusing for me. My mother refused to describe them. She told me that Oppa also asked her not to. It is okay. I am not curious.

Since I took a trimester course, I already finished my degree. I just took a special course in their university to play a bit with them. I think I am more fascinated about the mysterious items.

It did not take long for my hypothesis to come true when the bus suddenly erupted with a lot of people and I am glad that a young girl took the seat beside me. From her looks, I can say that she is on her teenage years. Well I am not that old, I just turned 20 not so long ago. According to my brother I am one of those people who raced with their age. I want to hurry up with my maturity and I think his existence became one of my reasons.

He will always exclude me from a lot of things and will always put my age as an excuse for it. Now that I remember it, I cannot even see the future saying the word Oppa again. He is the only brother that I will ever acknowledge.

“Eonnie, can I ask you a favour? I know it is rude but can we switch seats?” the young girl said.

I don’t want to. Why would I?  - I am not as generous as I appear and from the looks on her eyes, she knew that it will not be an easy conversation.

“This is my first time to travel alone. I used to seat near the window to avoid getting dizzy. I will really appreciate it if –” I think I know what she is trying to say and with that I stood up to change our places. She smiled at me in gratitude.

It’ll be better to give up that seat rather than to suffer later on with the scent of vomit on my shirt. I put my earphones on and played some ballad songs on my shuffle. It is surprisingly hot inside the bus even if the air conditioning system is already turned to its highest level. People are all sweating like crazy. If we were breads in an oven, I think we will all go out over cooked in no time. This is indeed a free sauna kind of ride.

I decided to give up music, my mp3 is overheating. I reached for my folded fan inside my backpack to ease this hell. Using it made me more exhausted and my arm is already tired even if I just swayed it a couple of times. It’s too hot.

I suddenly heard the driver apologizing to one of the standing passengers that some outlets are not working. So I guess that is why it is unbearably hot. My seatmate is already on a sleeping beauty mode because the entire remaining cold breeze is being delivered at the top of her head.

I was about to return my fan inside my bag when the person standing near my chair asked for it.

“Can I borrow it?” and I looked up at him. His height made him stood out from the crowd of people. His tight well-toned body is suited with a white shirt which sleeves are folded halfway to his masculine arms. His left hand is holding tightly on the bar to support his weight while the bus is moving. I think that is the reason why I didn’t notice him; he is controlling that polite space between us.