Changmin stared at the reddish line on the side of his chest through the mirror. He was like that almost every morning. He got the scar during the summer vacation, his father saying the break is a good time for recovery. A simple repair and he no longer has to sit out P.E. or watch his friends run around while he sits on a bench and eats whatever Kibum feeds him. Though really, after 15 years of such a life, he’s used to it and he’s not going to start mountain-climbing and running marathons. He’s very laid-back to do anything.

He never really was conscious of this scar until a week ago, when school started. His classmates all flocked him, wanting to see the ‘cool battle scar’. Some wanted to touch it but Kibum wouldn’t allow it. She’s possessive that way.  Changmin’s grateful for that. Teenagers don’t realise there’s nothing cool about it.

It was no battle. The scar reminds him of what his grandmother and mother went through. It smarts when you move and itches under the clothes. It receives unwanted pitiful glances and remarks of how fortunate he is. It’s a reminder of the burden he carries, just like his mother and grandmother did.

How befitting! His grandmother died of this thing after she did something wrong leaving her daughter with the burden and disease who then passed it on to Changmin.   

“Changdola~ breakfast!” Changmin puts his shirt on and heads downstairs.

His dripping wet hair makes a pitter-patter sound on the white marble floor which is deafening in the large silent house.

“didn’t you dry your hair? You're not supposed to catch a cold….” The man whose back is faced to him speaks.

Changmin doesn’t say anything. He’s lost in his own world… he always gets contemplative when he sees his father cooking.

When he was eight and his father’s mother was on her deathbed, she told him that his father changed so much after Changmin and his mother entered his life. He stopped his workaholic ways. Became a devoted family man. Cared for people as humans and not sick patients. He began cooking and got better at it too. The man had tried to cook an egg with the shell in the microwave for crying out loud. And he’s a man of science!

Changmin always felt blessed to have such a father. Not just because he’s renowned cardiothoracic surgeon Dr Jung Yunho, but because he’s Jung Changmin’s father Yunho. Despite the demanding nature of his work, Changmin has never gone a day without a home-cooked meal. His father is always there to drive him to school and music classes, he told him bedtime stories, attended every music event he was in, made sure his illness never got in the way and most of all, made sure Changmin knew about his mother.

“Why are you so quiet? Are you hurting somewhere?” Changmin snapped out of his daze finding his father fully facing him. he shook his head slightly, almost blink-and-you-miss-it but his father was tuned to catch everything that is Changmin. Since his tension has dissipated a bit, Yunho then notices Changmin’s not wearing the black shirt and white vest of his school. there’s black jeans instead of the white trousers and smart black and silver shirt so no collar to put the red tie. “where’s your uniform? Did you burn your coat again? I told you not iron over the white clothes.”

“It’s Sunday dad…” Changmin deadpans and Yunho makes a surprised sound. “Ah! That means I have a holiday too!” Changmin rolls his eyes at his absent-minded father who toes of his hospital shoes. How does this man fix hearts?

Changmin sits on his usual chair while his father gets two steaming bowls of kimchi jigae. Mildly spicy for his son and himself, unlike a certain person Yunho used to watch dreadfully as she put red chilli paste in the soup.

 “Dad, can I have an advance on my allowance?” Changmin asks already halfway through the bowl. Yunho always loved his healthy appetite. “You need something? I can buy it for you.”

“Just a birthday gift…” Changmin shrugs while Yunho becomes thoughtful. “Kibum’s birthday was weeks ago. Did you forget it?” Changmin nods, but doesn’t say anything wanting to amuse himself. “did Kyuhyun declare he has a new birth date again?” Changmin’s face twists as he supresses laughter. Kyuhyun would declare its his birthday and have random parties any time of the year. “when is Suho’s birthday?”

“it’s not Suho. It’s a new guy.” Changmin finally says. “Minho transferred to our school this year. Sports scholarship and he’s in the music club.”

“New addition to Chang-line I see….” Yunho muses as he puts more soup in Changmin’s bowl.

“It’s Kyu-line dad…” Changmin corrects drily though even he knows he’s the leader of their mafia-like gang while Kyuhyun’s more like the face of the most popular group of the school. “are you going to give me an advance or not?”

“I have a better idea for your athlete friend and your allowance is not going to cover even half of it.” Yunho gets his bowl and puts it in the sink. “I’ll take you to the mall and Minho’s party since I just discovered I have a holiday.”

~~~

Changmin looks at the passing houses outside the window. It looked like a nice neighbourhood. Changmin always wondered how it is to live in a quiet suburb like this. Not that he has any problem with the three storey town-house of his father’s family a block away from his father’s hospital. His friends coming from well-to-do families live in luxurious apartments nearby too. Kibum lived in a terrace flat in the building near the school and she had an amazing garden on the terrace. Changmin would go to her house just for that garden making Kibum kick his shin for ignoring her.

“It’s the next left after this lane ends dad.” Changmin says while looking at his GPS fed with Minho’s address. He glanced at his father who looks suddenly blank. Actually, he’s been quiet since the neighbourhood began. Otherwise car rides with his father was always filled with talking about the next musical or the most recent cardio case. “that’s the house, there. No.12-WHOA!” the phone dropped from Changmin’s hand when Yunho abruptly braked. If it wasn’t for the seatbelt, Changmin would’ve hit the dashboard. “the hell dad!” Changmin said, trying to get his phone. He belatedly realises the belt is in his way and unbuckles it to get his phone.

“Sorry… I got surprised when you yelled…” Changmin hadn’t yelled, but with the way Yunho’s not looking at him, Changmin doesn’t pry.

Changmin takes the gift from the backseat using his long limbs and steps out of the car. He’s about 20 feet from the house. His father stopped the car too early. “Kyuhyun and Jonghyun took the bus.” He says while peeking at his father from the window. He would normally take a ride with them but he can’t handle the crowds of the bus and train. “should I take a cab back?”

“I’ll wait right here…” okay, Changmin didn’t expect that, especially with his father looking at Minho’s house with an odd look. If he’s waiting than Changmin would’ve told him to tag along but Minho and he aren’t that close yet for him to take liberties with him. “oh… okay. You can go to a café nearby or something if you want. I’ll call you.”

Changmin holds the decorated box on his side and walked to the house. He glances at his father twice and his still frame is quite disconcerting. He pushed those thoughts aside when he stood in front of the white and cream house. He could practically hear Kyuhyun, Jognhyun, Suho and Jongin’s voices from the upper part of the house, probably Minho’s bedroom. If Kibum was here, the boys wouldn’t make a peep. He shifted the gift to the other hand and rang the bell.

“Coming~!” a woman’s voice echoed. Changmin saw a flash of a face from the window nearby before the door clicked open. “Hi. You're Minho’s friend right?”

Changmin however doesn’t answer. His voice died at the sight of the woman. He’s seen the beautiful face…. In the photographs among his mother’s belongings. He knows his mother’s and grandmother’s past and his father’s behaviour all made sense now.

“hey, are you okay?” the woman frowns stepping closer and Changmin instinctively takes a step back.

Go farther a voice in his head says, turn back and go away.

The woman’s worried eyes trail lower. She’s heard of Minho’s friend who had heart surgery. Though she can’t see the scar behind the shirt, she wonders if it’s hurting or something that the boy went silent. Though really, he scrutinising gaze is making Changmin’s repaired heart palpitate crazily.

“Mom, is it Changmin?” Minho’s voice echoes from some far corner of the house and Changmin jolts. His brain is getting overworked connecting all the dots.

Choi Minho… Choi Heechul… Kim Heechul and Kim Junsu…. Kim Jongkook…Kim Jaejoong.

“Hey Man! What’s wrong?” Changmin suddenly found Minho’s worried face looking at him. Behind him, his mother reaches out and holds Changmin’s arm. “Come in first. It’s hot outside.” Heechul tells her son’s friend.

In his dazed state, it’s quite easy to get Changmin to move but the boy snaps out of it when he realises he’s being pulled into the house.

No. He can’t step into this house. He carries his mother’s burden. No, he can’t cross their threshold.

“NO!” Changmin doesn’t realise how loud he said it until Heechul and Minho stare at him with wide eyes. He looks down and finds his right foot is half inside the house. Changmin steps back as if he stepped on burning coals.

“Changmin…” Minho reaches out to his friend and is found pushed back with a blue gift box in his hands. It looked like Changmin shoved the gift at Minho to keep him away from him.

“I’m sorry…” Changmin whispered which couldn’t be heard. Though Heechul could make out by the movement of his lips.

“Chang you don’t look so good. I’ll get Kyuhyun.” Minho says and was about to go and get Changmin’s childhood friend when he heard a meek voice.

“I’m sorry…” it was audible this time and before Minho could ask ‘for what’ Changmin had turned and ran away.

Minho was so surprised he didn’t know what to do. He looked at the direction Changmin went and then at the present in his hands. He didn’t even realise his mother going after Changmin. Minho opened the box and gasped at the very expensive gift.

An original FC Korea jersey and a football autographed by the whole team.

Changmin ran to his father not caring that he can’t exert himself yet. It’s not that big a distance and he had to get away.

His father had kept the engine running  when Changmin had put his seatbelt, Yunho turned the car and drove off pretending he didn’t notice Heechul or that Heechul recognised him.  

~~~       

''so Minho is their son....'' Changmin only nods. Just thinking about yesterday drained him that he forgot today is Monday and he will see Choi Minho again. He felt a warm delicate hand wrap around his wrist and stop him. ''you can't avoid him forever.'' Kibum says softly mindful of the students passing them on the way to the school building.

''why not? Dad understands. He told me he'll agree to whatever decision I make. I can transfer school-''

''and leave your life behind?'' Kibum hissed, ''leave Kyuhyun and all your friends behind? What about me?''

''it's not like we'll go our separate ways our anything...''

''no ing way. I won't allow it. I'll talk to uncle Yunho if I have to. He's just letting you transfer coz he doesn't want you to stress.''

Changmin stared at his girlfriend. He’s quite surprised at her outburst. He feels bad about wanting to leave her and ten years at this school behind when she's ready to fight for them.

''okay... Before you go all hulk... I'll stay here.'' Changmin loved how her eyes sparkled when he said that but pretended like he's not affected, ''it shouldn't be a big deal. We only have homeroom together and how hard can it be to avoid someone on the largest campus in the country.''

''thank you.'' Kibum tugged him forward and placed a kiss on his lips. With their hands intertwined they made their way to the classroom. Kibum walked normally but stumbled backwards when Changmin stopped dead in his tracks. He looked like he was hiding by not stepping inside the class. Kibum peeked inside and understood why.

Choi Minho was there sitting on a desk with Changmin's friends surrounding him. They we're talking like any normal group of boys would, probably about the fun they had in Minho's party yesterday.

 ''you can switch places with me.'' Kibum tells her boyfriend. She sits by the window with that fat Seungho as her partner. Seungho is like a wall through which notes and whispered calls can't pass.

Changmin doesn't even respond as Kibum pulls him in. She intended to head straight to the seat but as luck would have it Kyuhyun had to intercept them. ''hey Min. What happened yesterday? Minho told us you just left from the doorstep.'' Kyuhyun looked at his friend worriedly but Kibum wanted to shave him away from Changmin. ''were you not feeling well yesterday?'' when Minho asked his question Kibum gulped.

She could feel Changmin's hand sliped out of hers like sand slipping through your fingers. it really felt like that and Kibum didn't like it.

Without a word, Changmin simply asked out of the classroom. Like Minho yesterday, Kyuhyun and the other boys were too stunned to react.

''wh.... What?'' Kyuhyun asked shakily. The way Changmin left, so blank-faced like he gave everyone the cold shoulder almost hurt Kyuhyun. He's known Changmin since they were a few months old and he never saw him like this.

Minho slumped on the edge of the nearest desk in dejection, ''I told you guys he doesn't like me....''

''what! That's bull!'' Jonghyun scoffs, ''how can he have a problem with you so suddenly. He was fine last week.''

''Yeah and... He did give you that football yesterday.'' Suho points at the ball under Minho's arm, ''he wouldn't give you that if he hates you. If Chang doesn't like anyone he makes it obvious. Like how he once ignored me for eati...ng...his.......sorry.'' Suho apologised quickly when he realized he's narrating a similar incident.

 Kyuhyun looked at Minho who seem very depressed. Kyuhyun would pick his diaper buddy over his other friends any day but Minho doesn't deserve this kind of treatment when he's the new transfer student. ''I'll go talk to him.'' Kyuhyun moves to the door before he spoke but Kibum stands in his way. ''I'll talk to him.'' and when Kibum says anything the boys don't counter.

Kibum looks at Minho apologetically before running after Changmin.

 Kibum only had a hunch but he really was there. This corridor is generally empty because no one wants to climb the stairs at the farthest curve of the school.

Changmin always did. When the whole class was in PE, he'd come to this place. Kibum only saw it last year when she had to sit out swimming class on account of a broken hand. The school building was a European gothic marvel but this had to be the best part. With tall black black and red stone arches overlooking the wild garden and aviary behind the school.

Changmin was sitting under one of the arches. He was looking at the parrots on the branches below when he turned to face Kibum. No words are spoken as Kibum walks to him. When she's an arm's length away he pulls her close and buries his face in her stomach.

''you okay.'' Kibum tries not to laugh at the ticklish feeling of Changmin shaking his head against her belly. She wrapped her hands around his head and leaned her cheek on it, ''hey... Tell me your parents story again...''

''you already know it.'' Changmin looks up at her face but doesn't move from their position. ''hmm... I want to remember ...to know if your suffering is worth it...'' Changmin pulls away and faces the garden again. Some would take it as no but Kibum knows him well. She sits opposite him, her face calm and encouraging unlike the first time where she cried like she's watching a Nicholas Sparks movie.

Changmin feels like a bad friend. Here he has such a loving and supportive girlfriend only because he wanted to tell her about himself. And there's his best friend Kyuhyun who he's known for as long as he's alive. Kyuhyun's parents even treat him like he's their son. But Changmin never told him about his family's past. Part of him fears losing his best friend but he sometimes wished he did just for that little extra support.

''he won't hate you.'' Changmin looks at Kibum and an eyebrow. He hates it when she can read his mind. Kibum giggles innocently, ''I won't do it again. Now tell me... Story time.'' she's like an eager could now and that makes Changmin laugh little. He sighs And takes a deep breath. ''Story time...''

 ~~~

16 years ago

''Dr Jung?''

''ye-'' the young doctor choked on his words and nearly dropped his file when he saw the angel standing by his desk. Her head tilted cutely and those large she's blinked in earnest ''are you okay?'' those were the words from the pink lips and it snapped Yunho from his daze.

''uh...yes. I'm Dr Jung Yunho.'' Yunho gestures for the girl to sit.

''the board outside says you're a cardiothoracic surgeon. I don't know why my regular doctor told me to come see you.'' she says while sitting on the chair opposite the doctor. Yunho looks at his file then back at her,

''you're Kim Jaejoong? Dr Han's patient....'' the girl nods. Yunho was just reading her file, ''well he recommended me to take your case because your heart needs repair''

''you sound so unromantic for a heart guy.''

''I'm sorry? '' Jaejoong only laughs at the stupefied doctor when she finds a handful of brochures on the man's desk.

''you're going on a holiday?'' Yunho is caught off guard by the sudden change in topic but answers nonetheless,

''yeah. I'll be going on a month long holiday after I repair the hole in your heart.''

''you can go right now coz I'm not going cut open.''

Yunho was taken aback by her statement. He composed himself and went into professional mode immediately, ''miss Kim it’s a very simple surgery. The risks are quite low and dare I say I'm bloody good at this.''

''oh I have no doubt about that.'' Jaejoong says quickly before the doctor got offended, ''but I dont want the surgery. I was prepared for death years ago.''

''But you don't have to die. The sooner you fix it the better. I can book an OR right now… better than a slow death.''

''I deserve a slow death...'' Jaejoong mutters under her breath but Yunho catches it to his dismay. Why does she want to die? ''because I hurt some good people and this is my punishment.'' when Jaejoong says that Yunho realises he thought aloud.

Jaejoong fishes out a piece loud paper from her bag. It’s ripped from a lined notepad and refusing to straighten out after being folded so long. Jaejoong holds the paper in front of Yunho's eyes. He sees a few sentences scribbled on it and a few have a tick on the side and one cancelled by a long line drawn across it. It didn't need a smart man like Yunho to figure out its a bucket list.

''I've been resigned to my disease since my dad died. No... Actually earlier, when mom died and we later came to know she had heart disease.'' Jaejoong put the paper back in her bag and stood up, ''look doctor…. you're not my father, brother or husband to make me do this surgery. I was resigned to my fate just like my mother. So I'm going to Florence tonight and you should go on your holiday soon. Buh-bye!''

''w-wait!'' Yunho called but Jaejoong was already gone.

Yunho was at a loss. Jaejoong had a curable disease but she's going to die. That would mean he failed as a doctor.

Yunho shifted when he felt crumpling paper under his palm. He looked at the picture of sunny Arno River in Florence, one of the places he was going to in a few days. ''Kim Jaejoong, you're not dying on my watch.''

~~~

"you stalker! You creep! You insufferable leech!''

''I think it's this way.''

''AARGH!'' Jaejoong stomped her feet and trudged after the doctor.

Well he hardly looked like a doctor. The white coat and navy scrubs were traded for smart travel casuals and a giant backpack that looked so small on the giant of a man. Instead of a stethoscope, he had a small of Florence and a GPS on a tablet.

Jaejoong had only deposited her bags in the quaint room of the Florentine pensione that morning and she heard a knock on the door. Jung Yunho had barged in with a backpack and what looked like a picnic ice-box for keeping meat.

Jaejoong rues telling Dr Han her travel plans, rues going to a stubborn cardiologist and rues her weal physique for not being able to shove Jung Yunho out of her room. ''no reservations he says...'' Jaejoong sneers, ''of course he had no reservations. He had to stalk me to Florence instead of going on his own vacation.”

What Jaejoong didn’t know is Yunho didn’t mean hotel reservations but that he had no reservations about sharing a room with a girl and following her around Europe so he could throw her in an OR first chance he gets.

“Hey! I think that’s it.” Yunho points at the classic bridge in the distance. Jaejoong eyes sparkled seeing the canvases among the figures of people and hurriedly pulled her bucket list from her side bag. She was about to tick an item when, “You're supposed to strike them after it’s completed.” Yunho deadpans.

“Are you the bucket list police?” Jaejoong scowls but shoves her list back in her bag. She walks towards the Ponte Vecchio, this time ahead of Yunho.Yunho skips a few steps to her and walks by her side. “Why do you carry that?”

‘That’ which Jaejoong refers to is not with Yunho at the moment but he knows what she’s talking about. “It’s Band-Aid for your heart.” Jaejoong stops and looks at Yunho incredulously. Yunho chuckles, thinking this as payback for flustering him at his office, “I’m carrying the part I’m going to use to patch that hole in your heart.”

“You're carrying a Friggin’ Heart!” Jaejoong shrieks stepping away from the man.

“it’s not a complete human heart….” Yunho deadpans, “a part… and artificial.” Jaejoong now looks even more confused and stumped. Yunho internally smirks but sticks to a professional appearance, “the latest trend in medicine- 3D printers and materials best suited to a particular person.”

“Wow! That’s both remarkable and creepy…. Like Frankenstein…” Jaejoong’s face looks thoughtful and Yunho can tell she’s picturing herself as Frankenstien’s monster. “Can you carry such a delicate thing around?”

“emergency transport of such things is not uncommon. I just had to do the required paperwork to show I’m not part of some illegal organ trafficking ring.”

“and what? You're going to wait till I reach the point where I can’t give my consent so you can stick that thing inside me?”

“…. Yeah….”

Jaejoong rolled her eyes at his answer. It was such a grave matter and he makes it so uncomplicated.  

“Just leave me alone….” She mumbles and walks away from him.

“H-hey…” Yunho stumbles after her, “why are you so adamant? It’s a simple fix I can do till your last breath. But the more you delay it, your quality of life after the surgery is going to suffer.”

Jaejoong stops and Yunho, who was in a momentum, stumbles a bit on his feet and looks at her. “refusing the surgery and dying or doing the surgery at the last minute and only exist but not love…. Which way I suffer more?”

Yunho doesn’t answer because by what he can see, Jaejoong is hell bent on hurting herself for what sin she thinks she has committed. Yunho just wants her to live, without punishing herself if possible. So he doesn’t answer.

Jaejoong scoffs and continues walking.

“Hey Jaejoong!” Yunho catches up to her, “want to know why I’m on a vacation?” Jaejoong looks at him curiously. Most people wouldn’t care about weird doctors who stalk them to get them to surgery. But Jaejoong’s a curious one. “would you believe if I told this is my first holiday since I was 15?”

“the !”

“yup! I never even had Sundays off since I became a med student.” Yunho says with unnecessary pride but then deflates when he re