Jongin was chewing on his lips. He should really stop that, they were dry enough already.
He was also wringing his hands in his lap, blankly staring at his desktop. It was 8:25, and usually, Kyungsoo would be here before the official start of their work time at 8:30. Chanyeol was always either on time or slightly late anyways.
Only five minutes to go over the mess inside his head and secure everything that might fall apart.
He'd slept terribly the night before, and maybe his eyes were still a tad red. They surely burned a bit.
He'd been so close to admitting it to Kyungsoo the day before, when Chanyeol burst in and cut him off. Really, he was going to say it himself. Stupid Chanyeol. Of course he'd gotten the hint. Because Chanyeol might be stupid, but he wasn't blind. Still, the fact that Chanyeol even considered auality a thing was once more speaking for the dopey Southener. Because to most people, auality wasn't foreign, but it wasn't something that was on their mind either.
And now Kyungsoo wants me to be with them.
Be with them. As in a relationship? Or as in "we're tugging this poor, aual puppy along who's head over heels for us, yeah, he's totally part of our relationship, wink wink"?
Okay, no. Kyungsoo didn't do winking and Chanyeol wouldn't be this heartless. Kyungsoo wasn't this heartless, either. But then what was this all about? What did they expect him to do now? Give clever suggestions like that one time with the scribbled notes? To be honest, Jongin had definitely run out of clever ideas this time. The problem seemed so vague and overwhelming-
"Oh my god, if you don't stop whining in the next five seconds, I'll make sure you're here for work at six in the morning tomorrow," Kyungsoo grumbled as he entered the office with Chanyeol in tow. The latter looked a little ruffled and wore a half-playful, half-pained pout.
Jongin blinked at them, and at the clock on the wall. At exactly 8:33, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol had arrived together. They'd never done that before. Maybe they'd had a sleepover.
Images of the two lying in bed together flashed up and were quickly extinguished by Jongin's guilty conscience. He shouldn't think about them like that.
"Morning Jongin," Chanyeol greeted him as he shrugged off his ridiculously big, padded coat, and while it lacked the usual energy, it didn't seem like a fake smile.
Not that Jongin was in any way good at interpreting Chanyeol's smiles. He'd just come to accept that Chanyeol wasn't fake, no matter how much he'd wanted him to be when he first met him. Sure, he forced himself to smile all the time, but that didn't make the smile itself fake. Unlike Jongin, who considered himself an expert on faked smiles and friendliness.
He weakly nodded in response, and when Kyungsoo turned around to greet him as well, Jongin felt himself tense up from head to toe. The shortest even approached his table and oh no, this was it, what would they expect him to-
"There."
With a dull thud, a cup was set on his table, and Jongin flinched in the slightest.
"Chanyeol chose it. Because of course Chanyeol would find a way to make us late even though we're arriving with a timely bus. Of course."
The last part was mostly muttered to himself, with a whiny response by Chanyeol that went unheard by Jongin, who cautiously popped off the lid to reveal nothing but a thin Layer of whipped cream and red sauce skillfully decorating it.
"It's a fruit smoothie," Chanyeol piped up now, though he wasn't invading his personal space like usual, instead saying it from his own desk. "Because I know you don't like coffee."
Jongin couldn't help a short, huffy laugh.
"Just like you don't like coffee, huh?" he muttered, and the memory of that drunk incident where Chanyeol had claimed to not even like water, let alone coffee, left the Southener pretty flustered.
Jongin kept the lid off as he sunk his straw in the drink and took a cautious sip. It was hard to say what it all contained, but he could taste peaches and oranges, with a tiny, but distinct note of pineapple.
He nodded to himself before daring to meet Chanyeol's expectant eyes.
"It's good. Thank you," he said, almost as an afterthought. Because Chanyeol had never expected him to give anything in return, and Jongin had only recently found out that he wanted to anyway.
"You're welcome!" Chanyeol beamed, and started talking about the great menu of the place, and really, was that it? Shouldn't they... talk?
As if on cue, Kyungsoo shot the blabbering boy a glare.
"More working, less talking."
What?
"Shouldn't we talk about... yesterday?" Jongin burst out, losing his courage halfway. Kyungsoo didn't straight-out glare at him, too, but the no-nonsense attitude was clear on his face.
"Are we getting paid to talk about private matters? I don't think so. Designated working hours go to five and we wasted enough time yesterday already."

With his hands lifted in playful defeat, Chanyeol shot Jongin a helpless look and shrugged, sinking into his seat.


Needless to say the day wasn't overly productive. How could anyone even work under this circumstances?
...was what Jongin wanted to ask, but the others seemed to be doing quite well. Kyungsoo was fine-tuning the presentations about their next possible projects, while Chanyeol was calling all the people Jongin had pinpointed as possible supporters.
And soon enough Jongin ended up bickering with Chanyeol about what he'd offered them, as if yesterday (or the previous weeks) had never even taken place - because that's how they were. This morning, he wouldn't have thought it possible behaving anything close to normal around Chanyeol, and yet it just happened naturally. Maybe he was able to push back conflicts, after all. Then again, their whole situation wouldn't be as messy if they weren't all so fantastic at pushing back important matters.
The nervousness had returned around half past four in the afternoon, but when the clock struck 5:13 (because Kyungsoo never finished work on time, almost on principle), Kyungsoo got up and slipped into his jacket nonchalantly.
"Alright then. About yesterday..." he began, massaging his neck with one hand as he looked over at where Chanyeol and Jongin had been bickering without any real venom.
"You know where I stand, and you two are the flighty ones. How about you talk it out? Talk about whether you want this, what you want, I don't even know. Whatever it is you wanna talk about. I'll just take my leave for now. Since Jongin won't talk in my presence anyway," he said, and his last words surprisingly lacked active accusation. Then again with Kyungsoo, it was all about facts. It wasn't that he was lacking emotions though - the way the Northener's fingers grazed Chanyeol's hair as he passed by him was such a subtle, but clean display of affection that it had Jongin's heart twitch.
The stunned silence stretched on until the hallway's door cut off the sound of Kyungsoo's footsteps.
Then Chanyeol laughed rather quietly for his standards - because it was always him breaking the silence.
"Aww man, it's like being locked up with that scrawny girl I had a fight with at school all over again. I bet Soo won't grant us with his presence before we hold hands and present handwritten apology letters or something."
"Yeah..." Jongin muttered, shutting down his laptop purposefully slowly as he gathered his notes.
The ball was in his court now. An Jongin didn't even know what game they were playing.
"How about we hang out at my place? Get something at the pizza place downstairs?" Chanyeol suggested lightly, and Jongin snorted.
"Do you ever eat something that's not pizza?"
Unperturbed, Chanyeol watched him patiently with his jacket in one hand and leather bag in the other.
"Okay, but consider this: they also sell pasta," he earnestly said, and at the judging look of Jongin, he rolled his eyes with an exasperated smile.
"Fine. Then we'll go to the supermarket and I'll cook something for us, how does that sound? Wouldn't wanna risk ruining your fit body. Up with you, come on!"

 

Yes, maybe Chanyeol was just as good as him at avoiding pressing matters. It was kinda ridiculous how he was skirting around the matter in such a nonchalant, light-hearted manner.
They made it to the market, to Chanyeol's home, and now they were facing empty plates after a more than healthy portion of homemade casserole without touching any critical topic.
"Okay, maybe this will kill my physique more than pizza," Jongin admitted, much to the lazy amusement of Chanyeol, who was also too stuffed to move from the couch right now.
The seconds ticked by, and when had Chanyeol's oddly minimalist apartment had become so cozy?
"You know, I've been thinking," Chanyeol began, rousing Jongin from his drowsy state.
"It's probably a surprise to you, but I actually did think a lot the past days," he added, weakly joking.
Jongin hummed in a negating manner and sat up straighter to regard the other.
"It's not... surprising," he said quietly, eyes trained on the fabric of the couch.
Because he wasn't anywhere near as brainless as Jongin had originally taken him to be. He knew that now. And he knew that what he felt for him wasn't all that platonic either. Ever since that song, he'd come to realize that.
"I thought this was a pretty bad idea at first. What Kyungsoo suggested," Chanyeol elaborated, and now Jongin was forced to look at him, trying to interpret his reactions. He looked a little hesitant.
"After all, this whole construct would be so fragile, right? And to be honest, I'm just... scared I might up."
Jongin blinked at him. It wasn't a surprising statement. But why did it feel so important then?
Maybe because Chanyeol didn't usually talk about his fears to Jongin.
"But as I said, I've been thinking," Chanyeol hurried, downplaying his previous statement, "and there was this thing you kept saying. About Kyungsoo always overestimating himself and lounging into challenges too big for him and me doing the opposite and underestimating myself. So I thought that I could maybe just trust you on this. And if you're right, I might be worrying for nothing, you know?"
"Where is this going...?" Jongin asked carefully, and Chanyeol squirmed in his place.
"I'm saying that yeah, I'd try to be with you and Soo. I'd genuinely like to try. If you want me to."
With a sigh, Jongin sank back into the couch, head thrown back.
"Why does this sound like a sacrificial offering? Are you pitying me that much, Chanyeol?"
"What are you- why would I pity you?"
Because I'm aual and I can't have what you have.
"Stop the bull, we both know what I'm talking about," Jongin returned with a frown directed at the ceiling.
"You're already with Kyungsoo. You shouldn't feel entitled to care about some guy's emotional drama."
"But I do like you!" Chanyeol began, only for Jongin to cut him off.
"Oh really? But do you like me any more than the dozens of colleagues you greet every day, huh?" he began, now sitting up to shoot the other an angry look. "Do you like me enough to be in a relationship with me? Are you okay with it or do you want it? Do you want me? Would you get if I kissed you right now?" he asked in a challenging tone, realizing his mistake the second the words had tumbled out of his mouth, but it was too late now. Chanyeol grimaced, but instead of getting angry, he only sighed in something akin to frustration.
"Would you get by kissing Kyungsoo?" he asked in a perfectly calm manner that only helped rubbing the humiliation in. Of course he was right, how could Jongin insist on other people's bodies being the most reliable proof, when he himself didn't fit into this schematic? It was like clinging to cheap tricks, exploiting the fact that other people had a more active libido than him, while at the same time undermining their feelings.
This statement had been nothing but pretentious and stupid and... why did he have to be like that?
Jongin hid his face in his hands. This was such a terrible mess and every step he took made it worse.
"I wouldn't," he whispered ultimately, and a careful palm on his shoulder caught him by surprise.
"See?" he heard the deep voice ask softly, void of any sarcasm. Jongin wanted to hit his head on the table in frustration.
"I'm the worst. No wonder Kyungsoo hates my whiny . It's because he's smart."
Chanyeol chuckled, started to gently rub his shoulder.
"He hasn't even seen any of your whiny attitude yet."
"Shut up," Jongin protested halfheartedly and leaned forwards until his forehead was resting on the other's shoulder. Chanyeol pulled him against the back of the couch, seeking a comfortable position.
"This is such a horrible idea. Kyungsoo doesn't even casually like me. He's tolerating me at most," Jongin voiced out what was actually troubling him the most. Chanyeol hummed somewhere above him, fingers idly tapping a rhythm onto Jongin's thigh.
"Really though, he doesn't even know you. You shouldn't give up that easily. He told you to try him, didn't he?"
When Jongin didn't reply, Chanyeol continued all on his own, talking into the silent room as they both stared out of the window front and into the sea of skyscrapers.
"I mean, think about it. When did Kyungsoo ever really turn you down? Like, really turned you down. Refused to help or acknowledge you when you had something to say?"
Despite feeling whiny, Jongin did think about it. Kyungsoo snapped at him a lot at work, though it had become decisively less scalding ever since his ideas had proven to be efficient more often than not. And now that he was getting some strict lessons on how to handle the programs, he could watch out for the Northener's pet peeves.
There was that time when Kyungsoo had yelled at a crowd of demonstrators to have them stop harassing Jongin, after he'd seen him cry.
He'd given him tips on how to draw after Jongin himself had bravely approached him with tips of his own.
He'd given Jongin a lesson on how to handle phone talks after seeing how much Jongin needed it. He'd even laughed together with him at the cinema, where Jongin had badmouthed the cheap blockbuster.
In short - whenever Kyungsoo was prompted to react, he'd do so in favor of Jongin.
Whenever Jongin had approached him, Kyungsoo hadn't turned away. Even if he was annoyed, he never flat-out rejected him.
Kyungsoo was always there. Maybe not waiting, but not going anywhere, either.
So if he approached him earnestly, maybe... just maybe...
"So? Did he?" Chanyeol asked finally and Jongin gave in.
"No. He didn't."
"Look, you've always known Soo better than I do. It's a fact. You always seem to know what's going on in that cryptic mind of his," Chanyeol continued, fingers finally coming to a rest on his kneecap. "So you should know he'd give you a chance, if even I know that much."
Jongin nodded vaguely into his shoulder. It made sense. He'd just have to try it.
He drew away from the comforting warmth that was Chanyeol, who seemed a little disappointed. In one swift move, Jongin plucked his phone off the table and unlocked it. Dialed Kyungsoo's number before his brain could catch up with him.
He had to do something right now, before he could change his mind.
It rung three times before a faint crackling resounded.
"Hello?"
Jongin swallowed, suddenly completely out of things to say.
"Hey. It's me, Jongin."
"Yeah, I saw your number on the display. What's up?" he asked, and even though his naturally warm voice was soothing, Jongin had no idea how to proceed.
Chanyeol observed him attentively, and when Jongin shot him a helpless look, he replied with an encouraging smile. Alright then. Alright. Approach him.
"I was just thinking... maybe we could meet up some time," Jongin stammered, internally cringing at his awkwardness, "When you're free, I mean."
"I'm free right now," came the neutral reply, and Jongin felt a wave of panic.
"Right now? Uhm. Yeah. Sounds great," he muttered, absently playing with Chanyeol's fingers. Kyungsoo huffed on the other end.
"It's your choice. You know where I live. You can come over whenever."
"Oh. Okay. Then... I'll be there in an hour or something," he said stiffly, and Chanyeol interlaced their fingers, squeezing them.
"Sure. See you later."
"Yeah."
He all but held his breath as he ended the call, waiting for the main screen to appear before he exhaled deeply. A side glance told him that Chanyeol was grinning, and their fingers were still intertwined.
"That wasn't all that hard," he stated quietly and Jongin hummed.
"So... I should leave now. I guess."
"Yeah, maybe you should," Chanyeol replied lowly, and neither of them made a move. Jongin knew he was owing Chanyeol a proper apology.
He was the one making this hard, and he'd thrown way too many ugly words at him today. Without a warning, Chanyeol leaned in, slinging his free arm around Jongin's shoulders to draw him even closer, mashing their cheeks together. Even though his whole presence was warm, his cheek felt cold, probably because Jongin's was burning up from all the emotional tumult. But then he felt his lips brush his cheeks, and those were warm. And soft. Jongin felt his heart rate pick up as Chanyeol placed another kiss to his cheekbone, slow but firm, and he suddenly felt so light. As if he could drown in this sensation, just like that. In an unhurried move, Chanyeol dragged their intertwined hands below his own shirt, gave Jongin the fleeting feeling of bare, hot skin, while he placed another kiss close to his ear. Up, and up, until he had Jongin's palm pressed into his chest, right over his heart.

It was racing.

Ah, this was getting so long that I had to put a cut here.
It may be obvious, but the way Jongin keeps clinging to the fact that others have ual desire, the way he's almost in awe of this difference and turns it into this huge wall separating him from others... might already tell you what the real problem at hand is.

Anyway, I'm drowning in deadlines and this is my safety buoy! *to keep up with the silly metaphors*

Love,
Sugar-and-Salt ♥

P.S.: I got the notification that this story was nominated for the Exo Fanfic awards. I'll talk about it more when the categories are unveiled and stuff, but this means that at least one of you guys thinks this story is outstanding in some way. So I'll give a shoutout to whoever thinks so - you're awesome ♥