Chanyeol inhaled deeply, getting a whiff of his own shampoo and the distinct scent of Jongin lingering on the boy's sleep shirt. He didn't know how many songs had passed, but they were still sitting here, embracing each other. It was pretty intimate, the way he felt the boy's chest rise and fall. Soft and steady. And though it was definitely not uncomfortable, it couldn't quite compare with the familiarity that had become Kyungsoo. Chanyeol was good with words, but he felt like there were none to describe the difference in their scents and feel.
Both he and Jongin had stopped crying, and maybe this should feel awkward, but it didn't. The only thing he felt was quiet, simmering guilt watching his every move. Relentlessly reminding him that this was not his boyfriend. Warning him not to enjoy this.
I'm loyal, he thought to himself.
I'm loyal.
All of a sudden, Jongin huffed out a breathy laugh. Chanyeol felt it.
"Why are we like this?" he asked into the room, so quiet that his voice broke into a whisper along the syllables. Was he talking about their current position, their odd push-and-pull relationship, or the fact that they had both started crying pathetically over a song?
Chanyeol didn't know. So he hummed noncommittally. He felt Jongin's fingers tighten on his back, as if preparing himself, but it took him a few tries to actually pull away. He was probably dying of embarrassment right now over being so lenient with him, Chanyeol guessed. He could basically hear Jongin's inner conflict of having to face him. He'd noticed it before, more than once even, that Jongin was much less reserved when he wasn't forced into direct confrontation.
Squabbling with Chanyeol over a video game while staring at the screen came easy to him.
Getting playful with him -in a questionable manner- while facing away? That had caught him off guard, but he'd taken it as a sign of affection. Now he'd even held him for comfort while hiding his own face. It was a big step, and he could only imagine how hard it must be for the withdrawn boy to face him now. To be honest, Chanyeol was rather distraught himself, and worrying over Jongin was strangely grounding. It helped push his own conflicts to the back for the time being. He had already cracked way too hard. It was like he was being held together by nothing but a thin, silken thread at this point, and he couldn't break down completely in front of Jongin.
He kept his gaze studiously lowered as Jongin probably looked him up and down, both palms resting on Chanyeol's upper arms.
"Why would this song remind you of me?" he ultimately asked, voice still quiet and almost dull. Chanyeol peeked up at him, and seeing the other this raw and vulnerable was almost too much. It didn't help that Chanyeol didn't know. He couldn't put it into words. It was just that the song was about someone who looked further than simple love and lust, questioning social rules and striving for nothing but a state of completion. He couldn't help it, Jongin would just keep popping up in his mind.
"I... don't know. I thought that it suits you. I felt like you'd just want to be happy," he uttered lowly, correcting himself with an unsure grin, "I mean, sure, everyone wants to be happy, but not... like this."
Alright, he really couldn't find the appropriate words. Jongin still seemed to get him for once - maybe because this was about him, not Chanyeol. His expression melted into one of mild resignation.
"Why don't I hate you anymore?" he asked, more to himself than anything, voice quiet and almost gentle. Chanyeol ignored the shudder running down his spine at this, jumping in to cool the situation in advance with a light response.
"Because we're friends now."
To his surprise, Jongin's eyebrows twitched in annoyance and he averted his gaze again.
His hands were sinking down Chanyeol's arms to rest in the crook of his elbow. They stayed there.
"I hate the word friends." he breathed out, and the actual agony lacing his words was strong enough to have his voice break. Chanyeol tensed in worry, thoughts racing as to what he'd possibly done wrong. Usually, he had a pretty good idea as to what was moving Jongin. Right now, he didn't, though.
"Why?"
Jongin silently shook his head, a gesture of pulling away, while his fingers tightened. Others would be irritated at Jongin's habit of giving mixed signals, but Chanyeol knew which ones to trust. If Jongin truly wanted him to back off, he'd have shoved him off long ago. Jongin wanted to talk, and if he needed time, Chanyeol would give him as much as he needed. He waited. Patiently.
"Did you hear that one line of the song? Who invented the kiss?" he finally asked, still not meeting his eyes. Chanyeol hummed in affirmation.
"Do you ever ask yourself that?"
He blinked, not having expected this type of question. Chanyeol was a naturally curious person, but this was not something he'd ever consciously wondered about.
"Not really." he replied a little helplessly, unable to see where this was going.
"I do. A lot." Jongin whispered, sounding almost broken, and in a careful attempt to console him, Chanyeol placed his own hand over one of Jongin's. His fingers felt slightly cold, suggesting that Chanyeol's skin was warmer. They also twitched, but remained where they were.
"Why would you think about that?" he asked softly, and Jongin looked up. He should have felt it sooner with their close proximity and the heavy question about kisses hanging in the air. But it was something about the look in Jongin's eyes, something searching, something vulnerable and soft.
This atmosphere is wrong, Chanyeol thought, and his chest tightened.
Wrong.
"Because I wonder about the value of kisses." he said quietly, and Chanyeol wanted to squirm under the uncharacteristically steady eye contact, "if it's not that, what about this song is getting to you?"
In a split second, Chanyeol's eyes had flitted down to their hands, feeling caught red-handed. He should've expected that Jongin wouldn't let his slip up go like that. Because whenever Jongin did actually notice something to be off about him, he wouldn't stay passive.
Usually, Chanyeol would revel in the chance to get closer to Jongin, but now things were different. He couldn't possible tell him about this stupid crush he's had on him since he first laid eyes on him in person. This stubborn little infatuation that was now becoming a serious issue. Because Chanyeol was with Kyungsoo now, and he had to quickly get over this. But like the song said, falling for someone was all-too easy.
Jongin was still looking at him in serious intrigue, and Chanyeol fumbled for appropriate words.
"I just. I'm just scared I might up. That I might ruin... things." he trailed off, hoping that Jongin would simply interpret it as him being worried about being in a relationship in general. It always filled him with regrets to do so, but if he wanted to, it was decisively easy to misguide Jongin with words.
It seemed to work, and Jongin actually smiled in fond exasperation. He looked a little tired now, maybe the aftermath of his earlier emotional breakdown.
"You're really just the opposite of Kyungsoo, aren't you?"
Because he's a good person and I'm not, because I'm fickle?, Chanyeol thought, but bit his lips to keep the comment to himself.
"You pretty much lack all intuition regarding what you're capable of, just like Kyungsoo, and yet completely unlike him. Kyungsoo overestimates himself all the time, don't you think?"
Chanyeol gave his best not to show the shock he felt at this accurate statement. Jongin hadn't been present, of course, but it was true, and Chanyeol only really understood it during their trip. That despite looking collected and in control, Kyungsoo was overly ambitious, simply lunging himself into challenges, spurred on by confidence. He had confessed to Chanyeol, exuding this perfect certainty, when in reality he wasn't prepared for an actual relationship at all.
"His strong resolve alone gets him pretty far," Jongin voiced out Chanyeol's thoughts, "and it just makes you want to rearrange the world into a state wherein his believes work. There's no need to do that for you though, because you accommodate without breaking all the time..."
He didn't know whether he should blush at this or not, but it definitely felt like a compliment he wasn't sure he deserved. Jongin sighed, and again it felt like Chanyeol wasn't in on his worries, like the sigh was directed at something bigger.
"Both of you at self-evaluation so much."
Chanyeol attempted a self-deprecating grin, which slowly died at Jongin's next words.
"Unlike you, I know what I can take. I always do," he began, voice dying down into a whisper, "and I know I can't take any of this much longer."
"Any of what?" Chanyeol asked immediately, worry chiming louder than his own fears and conflicts, because he felt that he was getting close to something important, an essential information he was lacking.
"What don't I understand?" he prodded urgently, and Jongin snapped back into it, looking at him with poorly concealed pain, mouth opening and closing, before settling on a simple question.
"When did we all stop hating each other?"
Again, Chanyeol hesitated, and Jongin didn't give him the time to think it through, finally drawing away. The Southener wasn't sure whether he felt relieved or sad at the loss of warmth. He looked up at the other, who had gotten to his feet, toweling his damp hair a last time. Their eyes met, and Jongin looked almost defiant, as if a bit of his child-like defense mechanisms had returned by now.
"I shouldn't be the only one pondering the value of kisses." he began, and Chanyeol blinked as he tried to keep up with the sudden throwback in their conversation.
"Why do people regard them so highly, anyway? After all, you make me feel everything, and we never kissed."
What?
Chanyeol could do nothing but look after the Eastener, who disappeared into his bathroom.
Was this... a confession? An actual confession?
Why? Jongin used to hate him though. And Chanyeol was with Kyungsoo now.
He couldn't do this.
Unable to do anything at all, Chanyeol just sat there on the floor, mind mostly blank. It didn't necessarily have to be a confession. There were all sorts of feelings Chanyeol had certainly sparked in him before. Anger, annoyance, exasperation, yes. But lately he could probably add joy, security and maybe even affection. Platonic affection.
Yes, it didn't have to be a confession, and Chanyeol still felt like he was missing another piece of information. Just... something.

He was still sitting there when Jongin emerged, now fully dressed as he muttered something about how he should probably go home now. Only when he straightened up after tying his shoe laces, did Chanyeol call after him.
"Wait. You asked when we stopped hating each other." he said, standing in the hallway at a fair distance, looking probably as lost and distraught as he felt.
"I think it was around the time you proposed we be honest with each other." Chanyeol said, sounding much braver than he felt. Praying for Jongin to enlighten him, to open up and really be honest. He didn't. A second of hesitation later, Jongin turned away and after a soft click of the door, he left Chanyeol to stand in his lone apartment like an abandoned kid.
Left him alone, surrounded by the echo of their conversation that kept replaying in his mind. Again. And again. The way they had held on to each other, the way Jongin had looked at his lips while talking about kissing...
Chanyeol silently cursed as he slowly sank to his knees, one hand on the wall for safety. His surroundings were starting to blur.
I'm loyal.
He recalled the tempting, heavy atmosphere earlier, and how an undeniable part of him wanted Jongin, and it was wrong. He tried to think of Kyungsoo, of the wonderful comfort he'd felt the day before, when he'd forced the shorter guy into back hug he eventually reciprocated, offering him shelter and a break from all the work. He liked Kyungsoo. Really. He really, really liked him. It was more than just practicality. Really.
But there was also Jongin, and the conflict was crushing him. As if the stress was manually increasing gravity, pressing the air out of his lungs, and oh no, not this.
Not now, not ever, please, Chanyeol chanted inside his head, one hand pressed against his chest, vainly attempting to relieving the pressure on his lungs. His insides constricted and inhaling became tortuously difficult. He knew the signs, and he knew that keeping calm was the most important thing right now. The sudden cold, the fear, shivers... he definitely must not give in to them. But his mind was incapable of not thinking about it.
I'm loyal, I'm loyal, I'm loyal.
It had been years since this last happened, and Chanyeol knew he shouldn't do this. But he had to go to work tomorrow, and it was late already, so there was not a lot of time left to recover. So instead of forcing his body through the wave of panic, he stumbled through the apartment until he found the pills stuffed into a forgotten drawer. His fingers were shaking so badly that he broke a glass, and instead messily drank from a plastic water bottle to speed up the medicine's effect. Afterwards, he blindly stumbled towards his bed, and tried not to curl himself together, in order to ease the strain on his twitching muscles. Tried to just breathe.

The next day, Chanyeol didn't appear at work.

You're probably asking yourself: Whaaat, another update already? What's wrong now?
Well, the previous chapter has been pretty short, and... alright, I just love writing this. Sue me.
This chapter is even shorter, but as things are happening at a quicker pace, the intervals of pov-switches have to shorten, as well.

I usually don't impose on people's opinion, but please don't be disrespectful towards Yeol, calling him a wuss for lounging into a panic attack over something 'this minor' - because emotional stress cannot be measured.
(Also I feel like Yeol gets enough hate in real life already, for being sensitive)

Love,
Sugar-and-Salt ♥

P.S.: Yes, there is a medication that dulls your panic attack, but it's nothing to take lightly, since it's basically a drug and highly addictive.