Dear Diary: What If?

(Chapter Eight)

“We’re late for breakfast!”

Chaeri was quite the busy body, as I could hear her racing around the hotel room from outside our shared bathroom. It was the first morning in Seoul, after the events of last night with Kyungsoo and Luhan.

It took me hours to even fall asleep, knowing that Luhan, the one person I wanted to get away from, had followed me all the way to Seoul. Also, the fact that Kyungsoo almost ran away kept up till 3AM. Instead of escaping the mess back home, I brought it with me. 

My hair was still dripping from my shower and I stared plainly at my reflection in the mirror. Luhan’s words replayed in my head.

“If I knew it was you, then I wouldn’t have fallen in love with rararang… I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you, Aera”

So did that mean that Luhan loved me? Or he only loved rararang and was instantly turned off at the fact that I was her? Why’d he have to be so mysterious about it?

“They’ve stopped serving waffles!!!” Chaeri knocked on the bathroom door, “I mean, if it’s okay with you Aera, I’m going to go ahead? Meet you downstairs?”

I gave my reflection one last glance, as if to say goodbye to the person staring right back at me. 

“Yeah, I’ll see you guys then”

—

Taking each step down the small fleet of stairs with care, I finally made it to the breakfast buffet but it appeared that 80% of the food was finished. It seemed as if it took me more than just a few minutes to put my outfit together and do my makeup and hair.

Usually, I’m not overly concerned about my appearance. I know that it’s my character that’s been keeping all the people I need in my life. Well, until now. 

As much as I want to keep being mad at Luhan, part of me still yearns for his approval- if he could fall for rararang, then what was it that kept him from falling for me, Aera?

rararang was all my personality, character and wit. The only thing and part of me that Luhan never ‘saw’ was my appearance. Frankly speaking, I’m not supermodel material, neither do I neglect to brush my hair- I just need some refining and a few outfit changes. Maybe it’s enough?

Appearances are everything, right? It’s shallow, isn’t it? If Luhan, or any guy, can’t see past my exterior than they don’t deserve my interior. Is that the saying?

But isn’t it just as shallow to like someone because of their personality, in hopes that it ‘covered’ their exterior? 

Whatever the answer, the question kept me up all night and eventually lead me to this moment as I approached Chaeri, Kris, Kyungsoo and Luhan, sporting my best skinny jeans, leather jacket and heeled boots. Not my usual attire, but I came prepared with an outfit fit for the season (and for some shameless flirting. i just didn’t anticipate that I’d be using it in attempts with Luhan).

“Sorry, I’m late”

I ran my fingers through my hair and intentionally looked in Luhan’s direction. He stared blankly with his ‘deer in headlights’ expression- not exactly what I was hoping for.

“It’s okay” Chaeri smiled, seeming to catch on with what I was going for “I saved you some food”

A large plate with fruit, waffles and syrup lay on the round table opposite of Kyungsoo and coincidentally by the empty seat between Chaeri and Luhan.

“Isn’t she great?” Kris gushed at his almost girlfriend, before taking a sip of his morning coffee. “But it’s nice of you to finally join us, Aera. Honestly speaking, it’s been a bit awkward”

Kyungsoo forced a smile in my direction whilst Luhan became nonchalant, his eyes never crossing paths with mine. 

“I see” I grabbed a fork and stabbed a slice of strawberry whilst glaring at Luhan. “I wonder why”

—

Wearing heeled boots weren’t the wisest of decisions as I cringed at every step I took. I should’ve just worn flats instead.

Kyungsoo had suggested that we see Namsan Tower, and that the most authentic way was to see it by foot- meaning we had to climb every single staircase. I wanted to disagree but I didn’t want to send him running away again. 

Kris and Chaeri had advanced a few metres ahead from the awkward two and myself. As much as this trip was supposed to be spent getting to know my online friends from Blognet, it was beginning to become nothing else but the Luhan Show.

“At this rate, I’m going to reach the tower in my bare feet” I complained, ready to throw these pair of boots a good hundred metres down towards the city. 

“You wanna swap shoes?” Kyungsoo teased, pointing to the simple Nike sneakers that he obviously wore so comfortably. “Though I might need to squeeze my feet into those boots”

“Ah, it’s fine” I chuckled, slapping him on the arm. Kyungsoo and I were great when it was just us two, but with Luhan lingering on my other side, it was hard to have a good time. “Hey look, there’s a gift shop. Maybe they sell slippers?”

Nodding his head, Kyungsoo flashed a cheesy look. 

“Did you want me to check it out for you?” 

“Yes pleaaaaase” I groaned before limping towards the closest bench with Luhan tailing behind me. 

Waiting for Kyungsoo to finally enter the store, Luhan cleared his throat and inched towards me; seeming somewhat more confident in his approach than before.

“Trying to impress him?” 

“Excuse me?”

“Aera, I have never seen you try so hard to impress anyone. I know you” Luhan looked straight ahead but his words were like daggers headed straight for me. “This isn’t you”

“Different city, different me” I bluffed. Who did he think he was?

“Just for a guy?” He faced me this time, even with one eyebrow raised in curiosity. “You went to all this trouble for Kyungsoo?”

I shook my head, Did he really think that this was for Kyungsoo? Did Luhan forget the moment where I broke down and confessed that it was him that I liked?

“This has nothing to do with Kyungsoo” I stood up to my dismay. The pain in my chest overwhelmed the strain in my feet. “It’s you Luhan, it’s always been you! It’s you that I like, doesn’t that process through your head?!”

“..You don’t mean that. You don’t like me” 

Luhan’s gaze dropped straight to the ground. Of course I knew how I felt about him. So why was he saying that it wasn’t so?

“I’m a mess, Aera. We’ve been friend for years now, but I still keep things away from you and I’ve distance myself from you and the other guys. How could you like me?”

“That’s the thing, isn’t it?” I had almost choked on my own words as stray tears brimmed my eyes. “Even through those things, I still do. That’s what stands out the most, if I could still like you after you straight up reject me, in favour for a girl you met online, who was also me; then why would I give up so easily?”

Your words weren’t making sense to yourself as you let the tears finally drop, but Luhan started to get your point.

“I don’t deserve your feelings” Luhan rose up from the bench and met you face to face. The other tourists around the two of us probably thought that somebody was shooting a drama, yet it was all real. “Not Aera’s and not  rararang’s”

“It doesn’t matter because I’m the one willingly falling for you” 

I beat my fist against his chest, with the impact, I had sent myself stumbling backwards instead; my feet had given up one me for today. 

Ready for the impact of the ground to slam against my body, a different pair of hands halted my fall. I could hear a bag of items drop onto the floor at the same time. They had fallen instead of me.

I opened my eyes only to see the all too familiar wide eyes staring back at me.

“Aera, are you alright?”

A/N: has it been a while lol? HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE IT :D

What’s up with kyungsoo getting into every intense moment? Am I right? LOL. Aera and Luhan are a mess, that I can’t even deal with haha. Sorry to frustrate you guys! huhu

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Till the next chapter 💛