Dear Diary: Tell Me

(Chapter 12)

“Guess what”

“What”

Kyungsoo was probably the most chirpiest that I’ve ever heard and seen him, whereas I was still abit moapy about how Luhan worded his response to Sehun’s pestering. 

It had been a few days since Luhan told Sehun that it  wasn’t love ‘just yet’. I didn’t completely cut off communication with him, but I did keep my responses to our conversations to a low. 

I didn’t blame Luhan for feeling that way. I knew his story, didn’t I? I tried to understand but at the same time, I had to give way to my own feelings about.

Saturday afternoon was spent with Kyungsoo, on the other hand, who had called me over to Chanyeol’s place, where he was still residing whilst in Incheon. Apparently he had news that he could only tell me in person. 

Laying once again on Chanyeol’s childhood bed, Kyungsoo hovered above me from the side, waving his cell phone in his hand. He must’ve had good news.

“I’ve been speaking to your Uncle” He started off, and it made me wonder how he even had Uncle Choi’s number. “And after some pleading, he’s given me a job at the convenience store too! We are now fellow employees!”

“Wait- what?!” I closed my eyes shut for a second, trying to comprehend what he had just said. It was pretty sudden news and I was sure that Kyungsoo only just temporarily moved here, and suddenly he was working? 

Ah, don’t even mention work right now because I’m drained.

Now sitting himself besides me at the edge of the bed, Kyungsoo sighed contentedly. I guess he was really happy with the news. I tried to radiate back the same feelings but we’d both know that I was faking it.

“It’s still a while till college acceptance letters come out, and I don’t want to leech off Chanyeol’s parents. So I got a job” He confessed, with a smile on his face. “Plus, with the extra money, we can afford to go on more adventures and hang out with the group”

That’s right. Since going to Seoul, I haven’t seen most of the guys and girls, and they were yet to organise another karaoke marathon session. From what I heard, Suho was back from Japan, half the girls quit their summer jobs but Chanyeol and Seulgi were still going strong and apparently, painting their new apartment.

The last time we were an entire group together must have been the day that Luhan found out that I was rararang. It feels like so long ago, but I remember it still so vividly.

“I’m… Happy for you” I answered, now staring at the ceiling at the fan that circulated quite slowly. “I mean, my face doesn’t show it, but I swear, I’m happy”

Nodding gently, Kyungsoo studied my expression and furrowed his eyebrows before coming to a conclusion. It was sorta cute, like something a little kid would do.

“I read your blog post last night…” He mentioned quietly, as if not to startle me. “Is something wrong?”

“Blog post?” I mumbled out loud. “I haven’t blogged for a few days. Are you talking about the latest one, from a couple of nights ago?”

“Mm. The one where you said you were confused? I mean, Didn’t you see me comment?” Kyungsoo forced a nervous chuckle, where I was trying to remember the exact contents of that post. “My username is ‘wideeyes’?”

“Oh right” I rose from my laying position and now sat cross legged against the shaky child sized bed. “I knew that was you. After all, wasn’t it me who dubbed you 'wideeyes’ that night after karaoke?”

Kyungsoo smiled to himself and almost even forgot I was there for a moment before he looked straight into my eyes. His eyes weren’t so wide then but were quite warm. 

“Of course. That’s the reason…”

He was always so positive. I loved that. And I wished I could be the same. But ever since I started paying attention to my feelings for Luhan, I’ve been on a roller coaster ride that was on an infinite loop, going up down and back and forth.

“Since you were asking…” I pulled out my own cell phone from my back pocket and flicked through my posts on BlogNet. He wanted to know what was wrong right? 

“Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine”

—

“They’re planning to stay another week”

I spoke nonchalantly with Uncle Choi as I spent the afternoon cleaning the store. I’d be working the day after tomorrow, but he said that since he bought me lunch, I should  pay him back. 

“It feels like forever since I’ve last my parents” I sighed before taking a break, now resting against the front counter as my Uncle cleaned up the register. “Maybe I should head over to Busan? I mean, I don’t have much plans here for the rest of my break”

“And where is that suggestion coming from? I thought you and your gang AND your new friend, Kyungsoo, had so many things to do!” Uncle laughed to himself before locking up the register. “Plus, you just got your job back and now you’re asking for leave?”

“No. That’s not it” I wasn’t planning on giving all the full details of my life to Uncle Choi, and I was getting tired of hiding what I thought and felt. 

“It’s just, when I went to Seoul, it was supposed to be a getaway, you know? From everything but even there, all my problems still followed”

Headed towards the back fridges, Uncle took a bottle of banana milk and handed to it me. This was his way of saying that he was all ears and ready to listen.

“Is this about that red headed boy who was there when you fell asleep on the job?”

He was sure good at guessing. He and my Mom were the absolute same. It was nice having someone who knew you just that little bit more than you did. 

“How could you tell?”

“He came around here this morning, saying that he couldn’t find at your house and that you weren’t answering his calls” Uncle took a sip of canned coffee and gave me a funny look. “At first I asked him why he was peeking through your house then he told me that you guys were really good friends”

So maybe he didn’t catch on about the whole dating part? Maybe…

“But when I was your age… my really good friends, even the girls, never randomly turned up to our house looking for me. Maybe it was my looks? I don’t know, but your Dad would do that. He’d come looking for your Mom, and your Grandma would tell me to chase him away”

“So they’ve been together almost since their high school days, huh?” I gulped the last of the banana milk then tossed it like as basketball into the waste bin in the corner by the door. I was familiar with my parent’s love story but I didn’t know all the small yet significant details.

“Well, as about as old as you are now”

That wasn’t helping the feelings at all. It made me wonder, at my age at that stage of their relationship, did they figure out that it was love already? Did they already know that they’d be marrying each other one day?

As for me, marrying Luhan is way beyond the horizon of prospects. I wouldn’t say that it was unthinkable but it wasn’t on my immediate future goals. I’m going to college and graduating before that even crosses my mind.

“It wasn’t love yet" 

I swore that Uncle Choi was reading my mind like a book. Either that or he was a mind reader. But I don’t think the latter is the case. "Your Mom would come home crying whenever she went on a date, hoping that your Dad would finally tell her that he loved her”

I was beginning to wonder why my parents never told me this story themselves. 

“…when did Dad finally say it?” I dared to ask the question that could possibly change that way I felt about this entire situation. 

“When he was sure” 

The moment would’ve been a dramatic scene from a movie but after Uncle Choi’s reply, he gave a hearty laugh as he slapped the counter top. He definitely knew that he was teasing me. Ahhh.

“Listen, Aera” He now gave a solemn expression, as if leaving me to my own for now. “Your red headed friend came around looking for you, because he wanted to tell you that your friends are going karaoke… Right about now?”

Glancing to the clock above the front door, I realised that the late afternoon had gone by so quickly and it had soon become 6PM. 

Karaoke? It was tempting. But knowing that Luhan was there and sought after me, I wasn’t sure if I was ready. I didn’t think that actually dating Luhan would be like dodging bullets. 

“So stop thinking. Just go!”

—

“No more Girls’ Generation”

Sehun stood defiantly, arms crossed with a microphone in one hand. We were all in our favourite karaoke room, already downing drinks and snacking on bits and pieces of the entire menu; and now deciding on what song to start the night with. 

“And why is that?” Suho flicked through the song book despite having the entire catalogue burned into the back of his brain, “No more 'I Got A Boy’?!”

“SM haven’t replied to my audition that I sent almost a month ago” Sehun in his smile as he punched in an array of numbers into the karaoke machine, “Almost all of you guys have your future after graduation already planned out. SM Entertainment was my plan”

About almost everyone besides Kai didn’t know about Sehun’s post graduation dreams. None of us. At least I thought he’d be following Kai to study at a dance academy or major in something along those lines at Incheon University. Sehun did mention trying to audition, but no one thought that he was serious.

“None of us are sure of our futures” 

Luhan piped in from across the room where I was seated. No one except Sehun knew about us being together so it wasn’t entirely unexpected that we were not seated together. But Luhan gazed at me the entire time he spoke those words. Was this him apologising or defending himself?

“The only almost certain thing is right here, right now. And we all know deep down inside you want to sing something SNSD”

Everyone began to cheer on Sehun and before we knew it, his childish grin returned to his face as clicked on the play button and the familiar opening of 'Gee’ blasted through the speakers. Our karaoke marathon was now beginning. 

One entire album into the night, I even surprised myself at how I was able to resist from caving into Luhan and let him completely free from hurting my feelings. 

Sure it wasn’t love. I can accept that. But inklings of love means being aware of your partner’s emotions, right? It’s trying your best to not hurt them, isn’t it? So wasn’t there even the smallest traces of love?

“Aera” 

Luhan waved at me from the other side of the room as he sat next to Chanyeol and Seulgi who probably needed a room for just themselves. 

“Let’s get some more drinks?”

Taking a break from one song after the other, most of the gang had separated into their smaller friendships in the group, seeming to have more intimate conversations. Sehun and Kai were being counselled by Suho, Seulgi and Chanyeol couldn’t keep their lips off of each other, Lay, Kyungsoo and the girls were discussing about a sighting of Kai with a mysterious girlfriend, leaving Luhan and myself staring awkwardly at each other. 

“You don’t even drink” I replied sarcastically, but my body was already moving up and onwards towards Luhan who was already making his way out the door of the room. 

“I didn’t ride my bike here, so it looks like tonight I am”

—

“Aera, I’m sorry”

Luhan took one sip of his beer and savoured the taste before placing the bottle down on the small table at the bar. 

“I’m not good with words when I don’t have the time to think” He admitted, “I’m only good with them when I’m writing online”

I nodded once in return as I dared to pull out his cell phone from his front pocket, and handed to it to him screen side up. 

“I don’t know your passcode” I mentioned once and once was enough as he unlocked his phone, waiting to see what I would do next. 

Right on his homepage was the BlogNet app, of course. Tapping into it, I clicked for a new blog post before giving Luhan back his phone. 

“Then say what you want to say, because I really need to know” I confronted him even though deep inside I was hurting him, even just that little bit. 

Luhan needed to stop living in his past, even it meant doing so slowly, especially when there was a present and future waiting; and that future right now, was me. 

“I..I just can’t post it up there like that” He reasoned as he took another sip of his drink. “Everyone can read it”

“But no one knows that it’s you, no one knows that you’re manlymaaan, Luhan!” It was becoming more frustrating than I had imagined. Luhan was stubborn and thinking of every reason possible, but I wouldn’t buy into any of them. 

“Look, now I understand why you don’t want to say it’s love. I get it” I was ready to give up, and just about to leave him for the rest of the group, but I had to leave him with one more word. 

“You don’t have to tell the world that you love me… But at least tell me”

Anyone could see that Luhan’s heart wrenched at that second. A sense of guilt rushed over him as he found it difficult to even take one more sip. 

Taking one step back towards the karaoke room, some part of me expected Luhan to grab me by the wrist again, before he would pause everything going on around us and stop me with a single kiss. 

But he didn’t even flinch. Not one budge, not a single move. 

“I love you, Kang Aera” 

It sounded as if it took every single ounce of energy inside of him to even say the words. What hurt more is that we both knew that he didn’t mean it. 

His body signals made it seem like it was forced as he shrugged his shoulders ever so slightly and his eyes avoided mine completely.  

“Is that what you wanted me to say? Are you happy now that you hear them?!”

“-You don’t mean it!” 

I shook my head, unable to take his words in. The Aunty working the bar even disappeared to the backroom to give us some sort of privacy. 

“I’m not going to shout it, I’m not going to scream at the top of my lungs!” 

Luhan retorted as calmly as possible. With a single grab, he took my hand and tugged me closer to him. But I refused to look into his eyes. It’d hurt me just as much to see how much he was breaking down on the inside. Why do I do this to him? Why do I do this to myself?

“Not even a whisper?” I jolted my hand from his grasp before crossing my arms with my head tilted low. “Maybe it was too much to want you to love me in the first place” 

“Kang Aera. Don’t go”

Once more, Luhan pulled me into his embrace with the side of my face touching his chest as he took in deep breaths. It was as if the same amount of adrenaline rushing through my veins was rushing through his. 

“Every part of me is screaming I love you” He spoke quietly to my ear, “My mouth.. My words, they’re just not ready”

“Your lips” I answered and slowly retreated, his cheek before resting one hand on his shoulder, “Tell me that you love me”

Without a second thought, I caught his lips with a single kiss. Luhan wasn’t expecting it but it didn’t mean that he didn’t want it as much as I did. 

“…Kiss me again” He grazed his lips by mine, as his hands hovered by my waist. It was as if he wasn’t planning on letting go.

“Tell me that you love me”

---

Sorry for the long wait but here it is!

KYAHHH more kissy kissy business between Aera and Luhan WAHAHAHAH (gosh, how old am I that I am reacting like this). But yay for another chapter! I quite like how things are turning, are you guys? ;)

What do you think about everyone’s hopes and dreams? And who is in the wrong? Aera or Luhan? AND what’s up with Kyungsoo wanting to work all of sudden? Well… you will have to tune into the next chapter!!!

Thank you so much for reading! Please don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE / COMMENT / UPVOTE / talk to me! I appreciate it all :D