DOUBLE UPDATE please make sure you've read chapter 17! :D 

I wasn’t well enough to go to school until the next Monday, so I missed two and a half days of school. Thalia came over often, and was kind enough to have picked up my homework on her way. Hana came by as well, to help me understand what I’d missed in our shared classes. She also told me what kind of drama took.place at school while I was away.

There wasn’t much I cared about, other than the other “13th grader” Andrew got suspended again, so the whole school was doubtful as to if he would graduate this year.

“Right. I never got to tell you about the thing I was going to tell you on Wednesday. I kept remembering when I got home,” she said, Sunday evening.

“What is it?” I asked, not really wanting to hear it.

“Well Thalia was going to try to get her parents on board to help you get to Korea. As in, talk to your parents.”

I bit my lip. Now all I could think of was Jongin when Korea came up as a topic of discussion. “Hana. I need to tell you something serious, but you can’t freak out. You have to promise me.”

Jongin was sleeping, so he wouldn’t hear me.

“Of course. I promise,” Hana said, worry in her eyes.

My stomach did Olympic-level flips that had nothing to do with my sickness as I confessed to her, “I think Jongin likes me.”

Hana nodded, thoughtfully.

“What, you’re not going to ask any questions?” I asked, surprised.

“You told me not to freak out!”

“Now you’re freaking me out! It feels like you’re not surprised at all.”

She sighed. “To a certain extent, I’m not. I mean, sure I always joked about you two loving each other, but I really did have a feeling a little bit of it was true.”

“Oh…” I replied.

“So… how did you find out?”

I told her about how he’d said it to me in my dream. I mentioned that I didn’t remember what the dream was about, but that it was a nightmare and he woke me up from it by comforting me and that that was all I could remember.

“And… how do you feel about it?”

“I… I don’t know.”

That seemed to surprise her. “You mean it’s not a definite ‘no’?”

“I don’t think so. I mean, there are factors.”

“Like..?”

“Like… he’s always there for me. He gets me through things no one else can, not even you,” I said. “Not that I hold that against you at all, it’s just because he can feel me at a much deeper level.”

My friend nodded.

“And… I don’t know, maybe it’s because I have access to his mind 24/7, but I feel like I know him so well, and, you know, vice-versa. Like he’s the only one who knows me as well as I do.”

“Naturally so,” Hana agreed.

“Also, I don’t know if this is me or him, but it hurts to say that I hate him, or even that I don’t like him.” A thought struck me. “What if all of this has nothing to do with my feelings? What if I’m only feeling confused because it’s my ‘no’ mixed with his ‘yes’?”

She shrugged. “That is something only you can figure out. Think about it this way. Imagine there was a guy exactly like Jongin, taking everything you know about him into consideration, but you two weren’t telepathically linked. Would you return that Jongin’s feelings?”

I stared at my hands. “I… I don’t know? I’m not good at putting myself in hypothetical situations.”

“That’s okay. Just think about it. No rush. These are feelings we’re talking about. You will gain nothing, and possibly even lose something if you run head-first and blindly into something.”

I scoffed, half a grin appearing on my face. “Says the girl who started dating a man two months after meeting him.”

“Well, I’m good at putting myself in hypothetical situations,” she answered.

My mom came in, interrupting us, and she gave me the last of the pills my doctor had prescribed. With those down my throat came drowsiness. I couldn’t fight it, so Hana  retreated and went home.

She was back the next morning, and so was Jongin. ‘Good morning,’ he said.

Morning.

‘How’re you feeling?’

Much better.

‘That’s good.’

“Shall we go?” Hana asked me, getting my attention.

“Yeah,” I replied.

“Have you… thought about it..?” she asked.

I nodded.

‘Thought about what?’

Can I at least have the illusion of privacy?! I snapped, maybe a little too harshly.

‘I’m… I’m sorry. I won’t pry. I promise.’

I sighed as he went on with his life, forcefully (and successfully) pushing me out of his mind.

“Okay, he’s awake and the feelings are stronger,” I revealed.

“So what does that mean?” Hana asked.

“I… I think it means the confusion was all me.”

“Oh. That’s tricky.”

“Why?”

“It would’ve been easier if he was the reason behind your confusion. Then you would’ve been able to clearly differentiate between your feelings and his.”

“So… what now?”

“We’re back to that hypothetical situation.”

Damn it.

I tried to envision it. I tried to envision Jongin as I knew him, right in front of me with his corny jokes and his cheesy compliments. In my mind his arms were stretched out, waiting for me to jump into them. And for once in my entire lifetime I was finally certain about something.

I wanted to jump into them.

“Hana,” I whispered, stopping in my tracks. “I have the answer.”

She stopped with me, staring at the place where Jongin was materialized in my head. “So, what is it?”

“I do,” I mouthed, no sound leaving my throat.

“You do?”

“I do.” With a gasp, I clung onto her arm. “Hana, I have to go to Korea.”

She smiled. “I will get you there, even if it gets me grounded for the rest of my life.”

While we thought of a plan, our safety net was that I would be eighteen by then, as much as I didn’t want to use that tactic, now it’s become ten times more crucial that I get there.

It would be hard to keep it a secret from Jongin too, but I didn’t want him to find out with this unconventional way. I wanted us to be, if we ever would be, a normal couple. It bugged me, too, that I wouldn’t ever be able to do cute things like surprise him, or sneak up on him. My consolation was that he wouldn’t be able to cheat on me without my knowledge. But… what if we broke up? Then we would have to forever be each other’s “invisible conjoined twin” in his words. Permanent third-wheels.

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