‘Hey, Kyuhyun-ah, I’m breaking up with you.’

You tried to close the pain away as you toss and turn at the bed. You pulled the quilt to cover your shivering body in order to draw away the cold December wind. You hugged your knees tightly while at the same time, shaking furiously—you don’t know if either because of the pain or because of the anger. You shut your eyes close and forced yourself to sleep but you just couldn’t.

‘I’m breaking up with you…’

You cover your ears with your cold and frozen hand in order to keep the whispers away from your already aching head. You laugh at how pathetic you look just because of those simple words he told you during you second and last Christmas together. You run your shaking fingers through your already messy hair and heaved out a frustrated sigh.

You were angry at him.

You hate him.

You despise him.

He was a good for nothing bastard whose only goal is to play with the hearts of those who loves him dearly and when he’s already done playing with you, he’d throw you away like some dirty rag before laughing at your miserable state.

You hate him to the point of dragging him to hell with you. Only that even in hell, he wouldn’t want to be with you. And that pains you because even if you two are in a different realm, you would always desire for him. It was him that you would only want always want.

Too bad the feeling isn’t mutual.

You clenched your fist tightly due to the pain suddenly appearing inside your heart. It was the expression of hatred that was residing inside your heart and somehow, you felt that he deserves to be hated. Yes, he deserves to be hated. He doesn’t deserve to be loved. You hate him to the point of loathing him.

The pain was there again and this time, it was making you unable to breathe. Wobbly, you sat up and caressed your temple. You didn’t cry the time you parted with him because the only thought that was inside your head was to run away from the rest of the world and leave him the hell alone the way he left your heart out cold.

You tossed and turn on the bed once again and tried to close the pain from—what?—your already bleeding heart but still, it was persistent enough to shatter you into tiny pieces. Without him, there was nowhere for you to go. You couldn’t live in a world where someone like him doesn’t exist. You can’t live without him at all. 

The wind outside your bedroom made loud sounds bringing his harsh words along with it. Your head hurt—almost exploding. This was too much. He was too much.

It would have been better if he said I don’t love you anymore. In the least, you would’ve accepted that. But no, it wasn’t what he intended to say in the first place. And it only made the acceptance harder to do. 

Along with those lines as he said it, you tried to do those long yoga breathes your Mom taught you every time she’d tag you along with her. But you just couldn’t and it pains you even more. Because every breathe you do would only worsen the pain you’re experiencing.

‘Hey, Kyuhyun…’

You wished for it to stop because whatever you do, it was him still that you want. The warm sensation behind your eyes appeared but you fought blindly against it to stop the thing—you don’t want to say the word—from coming. But it was all futile effort because you know that whatever you do, all things are set to be broken.

Yes, he broke your heart. And he shattered it so deeply even if it took you a millennium of fixing it, it wouldn’t be brought back to the way it was before. And just by thinking of starting the day tomorrow without his constant nagging presence makes you want to throw up because as what you have said before, you can’t live without him.

A life without him—even if it’s an endless one—would feel empty.

‘Kyuhyun…’

‘Kyuhyun…’

You wish for it to stop but it just wouldn’t.

‘Kyuhyun…’

Violently, you stood and rushed to the open windows and without thinking, you climbed up to the rails to sit on it letting the cold December wind mess your already messy hair. You look up at the sky only to see the snow slowly falling down.

It was the first snow of the year.

The sky looks dark and dull on your perception and somehow, it lulls you to sleep. You heaved out a depressed sigh and slowly, you inhale and exhale once again.

‘Kyuhyun… I didn’t love you for a bit.’

Once again, you laughed and before you knew it, you were already falling from the window you were sitting at. You wish for everything to end up more painful than what you were already feeling right now. You want the impact to be so painful you wouldn’t notice the pain in your heart.

That’s because you don’t want to be the broken hearted one.