Triple update. Hope you like it. :)

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Chapter 4: Living Again

 “Daddy, is Aunt Ashin alright?”

I stopped drinking my coffee midway and looked at Sooyoung. We’re eating breakfast and she’s about to go to school.

She knew that Mark died and now Ashin is devastated about it. She knew that Ashin is not the same anymore because she doesn’t smile like she used to.

Ashin was too transparent. It doesn’t take a genius to know that she’s breaking. She’s trying so hard to look like she had moved on. But the thing is, moving on isn’t that easy. I know. I know the feeling. Because until now, I’m still on that process. Seven years and I’m still in love with her. She’s still the one in my heart.

Martyrdom? No.

“Aunt Ashin is just sad but she’s alright.” I replied as I gave her another piece of bread.

She nodded at me and pouted before looking at me with questioning eyes. “Is it sad, Daddy?” She asked me.

“What’s sad?” I asked.

She shrugged. “Having a loved one leave you? Loving someone who couldn’t be with you anymore?” She replied.

I smiled weakly and took a sip on my coffee. I looked at her. “It’s too sad I don’t want you to feel it your entire life.” I told her. “The pain makes you want to die.”

She narrowed her eyes on me.

“Sooyoung, don’t love too much, alright? Don’t make yourself capable of hurting.” I told her.

Her eyes are still narrowed on me. “What do you mean, Daddy?” She asked innocently.

I smiled. “Your Aunt Ashin is hurting and sad like this because she loved your Uncle Mark so much. Her life has depended on him and now he’s gone, she doesn’t know where to start again.” I tried my best to explain it to her.

But what does Sooyoung know? She’s just ten. She wouldn’t know anything about love and commitment yet.

She nodded at me. “I promise I won’t love someone as much as I love you, Daddy.” She beamed.

I smiled and kissed her forehead. If there was one constant thing in my life, it’s Sooyoung’s love for me. No matter how hard life is, no matter how hard moving on is, I’m still happy because she’s with me. She’s one of the most important blessings in my life.

“Sooyoung! Your school bus is here!” Mom called Sooyoung out.

I smiled at her and hugged her. “Go to school and make me proud.” I told her.

She smiled and kissed my cheek. “See you later, Dad!” She beamed before heading out to catch her school bus. She’s still a kid. She’s my kid.

I watched her as she went out of the door and Mom looked at me smiling. I smiled back at her.

“You look like a real father.” She commented.

I narrowed my eyes on her. “I am a father.” I told her.

She chuckled. “I know,” she spoke. “But this time, you’re really acting like one.” She continued. “I’m so proud of you.”

I smiled. “Sooyoung’s the only one I have, Mom. I can’t let her feel small.” I told her.

Mom looked at me meaningfully. “You can have her back now, too.” She told me.

I know that she’s talking about Ashin. If there was one person who saw the pain I went through, it’s my mother. She was the person who saw me break down into pieces when Soojin cheated on me. She’s the person who watched me self-destruct when Ashin left me.

“Mom, she’s madly in love with Mark. I think it’s impossible for her to be with someone again.” I replied. Well, I heard her eulogy for Mark. It was clear how she stated that she would never love someone as much as she loved Mark.

That meant I lost, right? I ing lost to a dead person.

“She only says it now because the pain is so fresh.” She told me. “Give her time to move on and maybe accept you again.”

I looked at her and smiled. “That’s what I’m going to do exactly.” I replied. “But if she really couldn’t make herself love again, I’d be contented to be a friend.”

She looked at me and sighed. “If you really want something, you won’t think of those kinds of things,” she started. “The only goal you would have is your victory.”

I stared at her.

“When you start a business, Son, you’ll only think of the profit. The rest are just blurry details.”

--

I knew I would see her here. I knew she would be coming at Mark’s mound. I sighed and walked to her side.

“He’s gone.” She spoke with an unreadable expression as she looked at Mark’s name.

I stared at her and kept quiet. To be honest, I don’t really know what to tell her. I don’t know the feeling of having someone I love die.

She took a very deep breath. “I won’t be able to see him again.” Her voice was too monotonous and I grew scared. If she continues to be like this, would it be possible for her to lose her mind?

She looked at me and smiled. It was a very sad smile and I know that tears are threatening to fall. Without a word, I pulled her in my arms and hugged her really tight.

The last thing I want to see now is the image of her crying her heart out. I’ve had enough of her tears. For once, even though I know how hard it is, I want her to be happy.

“Don’t cry. Stop crying.” I told her but her tears started to pour out like waterfalls. I sighed to myself and caressed her back. How hard is it for me to see the very person I want to be happy crying like this because of another guy? Now, I’m starting to get the feeling of being a supporting male role in movies.

“I love him.” She sobbed. “I love him so much.”

I love you, too. I love you so much, too.

I wish I could tell her to just look at me instead. I wish I could tell her that I am here. She can come back to me now and I would accept her with arms wide open. But if I do that, I’d be another version of how her exes tried to get her back before. I don’t want to be one like them. I want to be someone who tries his best to understand her.

“He loves you, too.” I told her as I her hair. “He loves you so much, too.”

Go on, Kris. Slowly kill yourself with those words.

“I know. And it hurts so much.” She told me. “I know I told everyone to try to be a stronger Ashin but how can I be strong when the source of my strength is gone?”

I paused and looked into her eyes. I held her shoulders and made her look at me. “You can move on, Ashin.” I told her.

She shook her head. “I can’t move on, Kris. I can’t.” She sobbed.

I smiled. “You can.” I contradicted. “Don’t say you can’t when you haven’t even tried.”

She looked at me. Her eyes are swollen and sad but they are still the best set of eyes I have ever laid my sight on. They are still the eyes that I would ever want to see staring back at me.

It won’t change.

I still think that Ashin’s the one for me.

“It’s hard but it’s not impossible.” I told her. “You just have to let go.”

She stared at me and I could feel my heart beating really, really fast and pounding really, really loud. “That’s the thing, Kris.” She told me. “I couldn’t let go. I can’t let him go. I can’t forget him. I won’t ever for-“

“No one told you that you have to forget him to let go of him.” I told her and I’m almost talking based on my own experience.

She continued to look at me.

“Trust me, Ashin.” I told her. “The pain goes away with time. It won’t be as painful as it is now. It won’t be as torturous as it is now.”

She took a deep breath and wiped her tears. “Will you be with me?” She asked me.

I was rather shocked that she asked me that question. My heart is beating over the limit and if I couldn’t help myself, I could kiss her right now.

Damn. How I wanted to kiss those pink lips.

“Kris, I’m asking you,” she started. “Will you help me get through this pain?” She asked. “Will you be with me as I let go of Mark?”

I swallowed and smiled. “I will.” I said. “I will be with you, Ashin. I will help you live again. I promise you.” I told her.

She smiled at me and nodded. “You don’t know how I’m thankful I still have you here, Kris.”

She didn’t even say she loves me but my heart is about to leap out of my chest. Just knowing that she’s thankful that she has me makes me happy.

What will I even hate about her when I adore her despite her flaws?

“I’m not telling you it’s easy.” I told her.

She nodded. “I’m secured by the fact that you’re with me.” She told me. “Just don’t leave me again. I can’t promise I’d be alright when you leave me, too.”

I looked at her and smiled. “I won’t leave you, Ashin.” I told her. “I will always be here.” I reiterated.

She smiled weakly. “I’m sorry, Kris.” She told me. “I’m sorry I’ve become this selfish to want you by my side as I cry for Mark. I’m sorry you’re the one who has to see me break down every time. I’m sorry you-“

I placed my finger on her lips. “I’m happy I’m doing you a favor, Ashin. I’m happy that you need me right now.” God, I want to kiss her.