Chapter 3: The Last Farewell

It’s today.

We are going to bid farewell to Mark today. There’s a heavy feeling building up in my chest right now. I’ve lost a friend – a very reliable friend in terms of taking care of my only love.

But more than I’m concerned with what I’m feeling right now, I’m getting myself ready to handle Ashin’s pain later on.

She hasn’t been eating well and she lacks sleep. She doesn’t even stop crying. It’s as if her eyes are waterfalls. They don’t even run dry.

“Daddy, can’t I come with you?” Sooyoung asked me as I fixed my bowtie.

I shook my head. “You can’t come with me, Sooyoung. There’ll be a lot of people and it’s hot.” I told her. But the truth is, I don’t want her to come because I would be busy with calming Ashin down that I wouldn’t have time to look after her.

She pouted and nodded. “Okay.” She said sadly. “Take care, Daddy.” She finished as she turned her back on me and walked to the door.

I sighed as I saw her sad figure. I’m sorry, Sooyoung. I just have to take care of Ashin right now that she needs me the most. I have disregarded her in the past and this is all I could do to pay for all the heartaches I have given her.

Even though I know this wouldn’t be enough.

I walked to my car and drove to the cemetery. The final farewell as well as the eulogy will be held in the cemetery.

“Kris!” I heard Minho call me as soon as I stepped down from my car.

I looked at him and nodded. “How’s everything going?” I asked him and he just smiled.

He’s also Mark’s friend so he must be really feeling lonely today. He might not show it but I know that he’s affected with everything that happened. He’s just trying to act tough.

Because if he didn’t, then who would?

Gina is about to break down. Ashin has broken down. Mark’s closest friends couldn’t handle the situation any better.

It’s just me and Minho. We’re the only ones who could be strong at this time.

We walked to the tent and greeted the guests that were already waiting for the ceremony to start.

I spot Ashin beside Mark’s parents. Her eyes are swollen – even worse than the last I saw her. I just want her to stop crying. How is it too hard to do?

Minho and Gina sat beside me, behind Ashin and Mark’s family.

Mark’s mother is crying on her husband’s arms and their children are crying quietly at the sides. How hard must it be for them to let go of a family member?

Not long after, the officiating priest came and the ceremony started – the last ceremony before we let go of our friend.

Everyone started bawling as soon as Mark’s parents finished their eulogy for their late son. Everyone even cried more when his closest friends gave their own reminiscence of how a good friend he was when he was alive.

Jackson, who always seemed to be the jolly one, is in tears as he remembers every memory he had with Mark. “We were always said to be the opposite duo,” he continued as he sobbed. “He was really quiet while I was very noisy.” He chuckled weakly before tears started pouring again. “But he was the person who knew me the best. He would listen to me no matter how useless I was babbling. He would listen to me no matter what.”

Everyone broke into sobs upon hearing Jackson’s story.

“He is my best friend.” Jackson continued. “He will forever be my best friend.” He wiped his tears with his bare hands. It’s so hard and too painful to see a very jolly person burst into tears. It’s as if I’m looking at an ocean running dry.

“Mark, Bro, don’t worry about us down here and be happy in heaven. We will take care of everything you left. We will take care of everything for you.”

His last words were too painful to here. It’s true. Letting a person go when you’re not ready at all is the hardest to do. Letting a person go when you can’t live without him is the worst of all the pain in the world.

Jackson stepped down from the podium and hugged Mark’s parents. Anyone could see how sad he is. Anyone could see how devastated he is to lose a best friend.

But if Jackson is this broken, I couldn’t even imagine Ashin’s pain.

It’s time for the last message. For Ashin to give her last message to the love of her life. She stood up on the podium wearing her black dress and broken smile.

She held onto the microphone and smiled weakly to the audience – that smile that I know will never be okay. That smile that I know is shouting sadness and despair.

She took a deep breath that was loud enough to be heard on the speakers. I know that she’s trying to be brave. I know that she’s trying to be strong. But really, how can she be strong when the source of her strength is gone?

She bit her lip before starting to speak. “Mark, my love,” she started and I can clearly hear how she’s breaking inside. I can clearly hear how she’s trying to look strong to deliver this speech.

Everyone was in all-ears for what she is going to say. Everyone, I know, is waiting as to how she would handle this loss.

“You’ve been the source of strength and light in my life.” Just as she started to speak, her tears started to fall nonstop. I lost count on how many liters of tears she had shed. I bet she could still manage to cry a river after this.

“It’s too selfish of me to still want you to be with me when I know that you’ve fought hard enough for your life and that you’re happy in His arms right now.” She sobbed. “But what can I do?” She asked as if Mark was in front her.

“What can I do when you started being my life for the past seven years?” She cried again. “How can you actually expect me to accept the fact that one minute, you’re here, you’re talking to me, telling me how much you love me, then next hour, you’re gone?”

Everyone broke down with her words. No one could be as emotional as Ashin right now. Even Mark’s parents accepted his death better than Ashin is doing right now.

She’s devastated. Her world’s gone. Her life’s gone.

“I was broken when you first came into my life. I didn’t know what the right thing to do was. I don’t know how to get my life back.” I’m rather hurt that she’s talking about me right now. She’s talking about how I hurt her in the past.

This is the first time that she’s ever talked about this in front of me. And I’ve never been this hurt before. I’ve never felt this bad for letting her go.

I’ve never felt this bad for not going after her.

Now I know. Now I know how hurt she was. Now I know how important Mark was to her. I’m a bit late. But now I know.

“But you were there for me.” She smiled weakly. “You tried your hardest to make me feel alive again.”

I am hurt because she, the woman that I love the most, is talking about someone else, the man that she loves the most, in front of me. But why am I hurt more that she’s hurting while uttering those words?

It hurts more because she’s talking about how she’s hurting because she’s never going to be with the man she loves the most.

“Now how do I live without you? How do I even do the same things the same way I did before when you’re everywhere I look at?”

Her heart is breaking right in front of me and I am disappointed of myself because I couldn’t do anything for her to be whole again.

Ashin chuckled weakly. “I don’t even know if it’s a good thing that I remember you in every single thing I see or if it’s a burden because it just reminds me that you can never be with me no matter how hard I try.” She looked down. She’s not holding anything unlike the others who said their farewell messages. She didn’t have to. Just standing there makes everyone know what she was going to say.

“But aside from all these questions, I wanted to thank you, Mark.” She smiled brightly. For the first time since that day, I have seen her bright smile again.

“I’m grateful because you showed me that I could love again even after all those failed relationships I had in the past.” She spoke. “And I would never be thankful enough that you showed me what true love is.”

“You showed me that forever was real. You showed that forever is not about being together for a long time. It’s about surpassing love and all its challenges in a given period of time.”

She took a deep breath and wiped her tears.

“From now on, I’d try to be a stronger Ashin. Not just for myself but also for you. I don’t want you to get upset with me because I couldn’t get over the fact that you had to go and leave me alone.” She was smiling but tears are constantly falling down.

“I’m sorry that you and everyone had to see this side of me for the past few days. I’m sorry that I was weak and I couldn’t accept the fact that he’s never going to be with me.” She looked at each one of us in the audience. “I’m sorry for troubling and making myself a burden to all of you.” She bowed at everyone.

I watched her try her best to act strong. What can I do? In my eyes, she’s still breaking. She’s still too fragile for anyone to hold.

“Mark, I just want you to know that it doesn’t matter if you’re here or not.” She continued. “My love for you is as endless as the flow of water in the river. My love for you is taller than the highest peak in the world.”

My heart is breaking with every word she’s speaking. It’s as if she’s indirectly telling me that she’s never going to love again.

“I won’t be able to love someone else as much as I loved you.” She smiled. “You’re my one and only true love. No one could ever take your place in my heart.” She spoke. “I’m not going to say goodbye. I don’t ever want to bid farewell… Because love never fades, Love. Because I’m sure that I won’t love you any less until my last breath.”