Chapter 10: Again

“Your hand is killing me, Ashin.”

I spoke when we entered the elevator. She’s been holding my hand for too long. I don’t exactly know how long it was but it was long enough for my palms to sweat.

She narrowed my eyes at me and let my hand go.

Suddenly, I felt really regretful that I told her honestly about what I am feeling. It’s true that I am not comfortable with her touch but that doesn’t mean I don’t like it. ! What I’d give to hold her every day. That’s all I’ve ever dreamed of.

“You’re really killing me.” She stated as she crossed her arms on her chest. Her eyes are on me and my heart is going to explode. Damn.

“Are you jealous?” She asked me.

My eyes widened. I was taken aback by her question. I don’t want to answer her because I don’t want her to think that I’m taking advantage of the whole situation. We’re cool and I totally understand that she isn’t into getting in a relationship with anyone else – even with me.

She looked at me and waited for my answer.

I’m torn between lying and admitting my feelings. Admitting that I still love her is easy but it’s going to kill her. Lying to her is going to kill me.

The elevator door opened and I was never this glad it happened in an awkward atmosphere.

“Let’s just eat, Ashin.” I told her as we walked out of the elevator and went straight to the cafeteria.

Oh, God, I’m aware that I need more than courage and patience if you want to be with her more. I know that ever since I decided to get her back. I knew it would be this hard and I wanted it. I should deal with it. this!

Ashin didn’t talk even when we already bought our food and came to sit on a table near the center of the cafeteria.

People are looking our way, especially those men, probably, because it’s their first time seeing a woman as beautiful as Ashin. I wanted to stop them from looking by glaring at them but I’m afraid Ashin might catch it. I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable with me.

“You’re quiet.” I spoke because she’s still isn’t talking. I’m not used to a quiet Ashin. She’s intelligent and she always has something to say. That’s what I like about her. She always speaks her mind.

She looked at me briefly before looking at her food again, completely ignoring me.

What the did I do this time?

I let out a deep breath and lifted her chin to look up at me. Damn. I shouldn’t be doing this. Why am I doing this? My heart is running forty miles per minute and it’s hard to keep up but I have to look at her face. I have to know why she’s ignoring me. It’s ing killing me!

“Come on, Ashin. Tell me what’s wrong.” I told her softly as I looked into her eyes. “I need to know what’s wrong.” I want to hold her hand. Damn. Minutes ago I was dying because she’s holding me and now all I want her to do is own me.

My mind and heart are ing s today.

She stared at me for moments before she finally sighed. “Kris,” she started as she brought her spoon and fork down. “I need to know if you’re jealous.”

I couldn’t move when I knew what her problem is.

“Why?”

I didn’t even notice myself talk. It’s just that the words came out of my mouth. I don’t know how.

She took another deep breath. “Just because.” She replied as she placed a string of her loose hair behind her ear. “I want to know if you still like me.”

My eyes widened as I heard what her plea is. I was shocked and I couldn’t move an inch. She’s asking me if I like her. Is she crazy? It takes more than forever to forget a woman like her. I like her. In fact, I love her. I’m even starting to think that love is an understatement of my attraction for her.

She’s my life. There’s no denying to that fact.

“What if I still do?”

I’m laying all my cards. If she doesn’t like me back, I’ll make her like me again. I’d promise her that this time, my daughter won’t be the problem. My daughter won’t be our big challenge.

She stopped and looked at me with her unreadable expression. “So you do.” She breathed. “You still do.” She breathed deeper.

Seeing her expression made me hopeless. Suddenly, I was regretful of what I just said. She’s not ready for this yet. I shouldn’t have confessed. It’s too early for her open up her heart to anyone, anyway.

“I don’t.” I retracted my previous statement and she looked at me, confused. “I like you, Ashin. But as a friend. I like you because you’re the first friend I had in Seoul.”

Her expression changed but I still can’t read it. Come on, Baby. What are you thinking? I need to know.

She smiled at me weakly. “So you don’t like me like before anymore.” She spoke with a very, very soft voice.

What?! What does she mean? I can’t read her mind. I can’t read what she feels for me. I need to know. I needed to know, too, Baby.

“Ashin,” my voice trailed when I saw her smile.

Did I hurt her? Damn.

I shouldn’t have retracted my words!

She looked at me and smiled. “So, do you like someone else?” She asked, trying to sound lively again.

ing , Wu Yifan. This is some serious kind of ing and you have to fix this before she slips out of your fingers. Again.

She’s within damn reach. I can’t let her slip away again. Not now. Not in forever.

I don’t want to answer but I shook my head. I’m not going to lie anymore. If she asks me one time if I like her, I’d ing confess. I’m not going to be a coward again. Damn!

She frowned at me. “Why?” She asked again.

Because I haven’t stopped loving you, Baby.

Damn. This is so hard. Now I know why they say ‘Love is difficult’. It’s very difficult to explain your feelings to someone you love.

I’m so scared of hurting her. But I’m more afraid of losing her again. It’s so hard.

I shrugged. “I just don’t have time to look at other girls.” I told her and she was taken aback. By other girls, I mean, other girls aside from you, Ashin. Aside from you, they’re all dusts.

If only I could speak my mind. If only I could read her thoughts.

“You have Sooyoung.” She told me. “I’m happy you took care of her.”

I smiled weakly and nodded. I can take care of you too, Ashin. Just let me. Please, Baby?

“Must be hard being a single parent.” She commented. “I wouldn’t want to be one.”

I shook my head. “It’s fun, though. You know, being close to your own child more than anyone else.” I replied. “But you won’t be a single parent. I could assure you that.” Because I will be with you.

She chuckled and continued eating. “I was thinking…” her voice trailed. She slowly looked at me. “…am I holding you back from dating other girls?”

I narrowed my eyes at her. What does she mean?

“Am I being such a drag to the point that you can’t date other girls because I’ve been so dependent—”

“No, Ashin.” I cut her words when I knew where it was going. There’s no way that she’s going to give me away. There’s no way that I’m going to give up on us.

Her eyed widened as she looked at me.

“I’m not open to dating because I don’t have to time to date. I don’t need to date other woman.” …when I have you by my side.

She frowned at me. “Kris, if I’m holding you back, you can just tell me.” She spoke. “I am better now. I can stand on my own again.”

I looked at her, mad that she’s starting to slip away from me again. I won’t let that happen.

I didn’t speak afterwards. I didn’t want to add anything anymore because I’m afraid that the things I’d say would make her go away. Damn. I don’t want to part from her.

We walked silently to my car after work. Silence was enveloping us until we reached the front of her porch.

“Thanks.” She told me as she unbuckled her seatbelt. I looked at her and nodded. She smiled. “You can go to the office tomorrow alone. I can drive my car.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “Are you really trying to kick me out of your life now?” I asked her. It’s not meant to be offensive but I saw her expression sadden.

“It’s not like that, Kris.” She told me. “I just think that maybe I’m making it hard for you.” She looked into my eyes.

I shut my eyes and held the steering wheel tightly. I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t want to talk about her leaving me.

“You can stand on your own but I can’t.” There, I started it. “You think I want to be with someone else, but it’s not like that, Ashin.”

She looked at me, surprised of what I just said. Who wouldn’t when she expected me to be over her by this time? Was I too pathetic because I’ve waited for her all through my life?

“Kris…”

I shook her head. “I want you. I want you alone.” I confessed. “All the other girls won’t matter to me when we’re together because you’re everything that I see.”

She stared at me, surprised of what I’m telling her.

I shook my head. “You’re making it hard for me, Baby. You’re making it hard for me to find someone else because I haven’t stopped loving you.” I held her cheek, making her look at me in the eyes.

“You don’t know, Baby. You don’t know how much I’ve been dreaming of kissing and holding you again.”