“Are you ready?” Saying she was ready was a huge understatement. She was practically trembling in her gown, unable to properly digest it was finally here. She was graduating. Four years of torturous work, of studying into the early mornings, of pining after a certain boy who was facing her right how with his hands on her shoulders, trying to placate her nerves. For a few weeks now she could not properly function, and the closer this day came, the worse her nerves became.

    “I’m not ready to say goodbye to this place,” the confession came out as a hushed whisper, and Junhoe’s eyes softened at her saddened tone. It was almost his birthday again, only now here he was as almost nineteen years old. Time absolutely passed by in a speed too great for her to fathom, and here they were. Four years of friendship, three years of unrequited love and one year of affection that seemed to be coming to a close very soon. And so was the beginning in which he promised to ask her to be his girlfriend when this night came to an end; to start a new chapter of her future with the one she loved.

    “I’ve been watching but the stars refuse to shine. I’ve been searching but I just don’t see the signs. I know that it’s out there- there’s gotta be something for my soul somewhere.” Junhoe quietly sang Hyebin’s favorite lines from one of those old songs her mother always played. It was ‘Way back into love’ by Hugh Grant and Haley Bennett, and she rubbed it off onto Junhoe as well. The lines seemed to give her hope- hope that her plans for the future were no mistake, and that she could move along from high school and transition to college without too many complications. She would need this comfort as well- there were too many things that made her feel unready for anything outside of the walls of their high school, and she felt the anxiety tug on her gut once more.

    “Remember how we danced to this song?” A faint smile tugged on her lips. Of course she had; the Winter Ball was something she would never forget. He was waiting for with his oddly shaped mask on his face, hiding the handsome features she loved to see. Her own mask was rather elegant, and she gained a confident air from hiding her face. It was like she was burying her insecurities, and she felt herself mature a lot in one night. She joined their friends at the dance floor, grooving along to the beat and not minding the inability to dance properly like her friends could. She did not mind the crowded areas of the venue, the endless pictures and posing, and even asked Junhoe to dance first as soon as this song had .

    Some say that there are pivotal moments of your youth that will follow you forever, whether you are still with the same people or able to even accurately recall such a memory. The emotions are set in your mind and it affects you regardless of the age. This was one of them; the dance the two shared was enchanting. Junhoe was nervous when he and Hyebin were swaying in the midst of couples, and even as their song came to an end, the two did not move. ‘A Thousand Years’ by Christina Perri was on, as someone had given a long string of slow songs regardless of the language, and this was quite a hit in Korea as well.

    “Four years of wishes for this moment, and I wouldn’t take any of it back.” Those were the exact words Hyebin had said, and now that they were only a few minutes away from entering the crowded auditorium to receive their diplomas, she realized how true these words were. She had believed she would be able to rely on time to bring the two together, and she knew that no matter what would happen, that dance would be the moment in her life that helped her grow into the young woman she was now. She was eighteen, the youngest of their year. She was not the top of the year, but recognized across the student body for her endless efforts. She was not the Winter Queen, especially because Youjung really did win the title of popularity, but she was the Ice Princess as third to only Soorim. And now here she was, receiving a piece of paper for her four years and she did not see a single moment as a waste.

    “Can students please line up? We will begin the ceremony in two minutes.” Junhoe gave her shoulders another squeeze, as if to reassure her that everything would be fine, and he vanished into the crowd that was dispersing, rushing to find their appropriate places. Hyebin gripped the sides of the graduation gown, which was appropriately colored black and gold for the school colors, and as soon as the mayhem seemed to die down, the music began, and the doors opened. Students marched in beat with the music, and soon Hyebin found herself striding into the open room with cameras flashing and families cheering, a smile plastered on her face. She could not figure out if it was supposed to be sincere or not; there were moments when she could not tell if this was reality or not.

    The ceremony itself was fast, but tears continuously formed in Hyebin’s large eyes as she met her mother’s proud gaze. Her mother aged so much in the past four years as she had struggled to juggle her job as a doctor and to pay the bills and such. There was no bitterness that she pushed Hyebin so hard, and the two were spending more time together as Hyebin took up an internship at her mother’s dermatology clinic. Yongguk was wearing a face mask, allowing himself to be disguised as a normal citizen while he too sent a thumbs up to her, and Hyebin forgave him for the pressure he had dumped on her for being so compliant to their parents wishes as an overachieving student.

    “Being an actress isn’t a dream of mine Yongguk, and neither was being a composer. I do it as a hobby, but we both know that writing was what I really loved. I get to act like another person when I put myself in the character’s shoes, and I get to put real meanings and issues into something personal without others realizing it’s my story,” she had told him one night, and he agreed that he could not see her as an idol of any type. She enjoyed her privacy too much, and was too introverted to love the attention.

    “Congratulations to the class of 2013.” And it was over all too fast, with their caps being thrown upwards into the air, and flashes of cameras trying to capture the moment in the most favorable way. They were whisked out of the auditorium in another march, and soon the school’s lobby was crowded with families trying to take more photos and find friends for even more. It was dizzying, and Hyebin could not quite follow along with what was happening.

    “Congratulations Hyebin!” “I can’t wait to see how you do as a doctor!” “See you next year!” The comments being thrown at her from faces she could not name quickly enough piled up, and she had countless times when she would have to snap a picture with someone that would retreat quickly before she could properly tell who it was.

    “Someone is popular. You okay?” Yongguk asked with a deep chuckle as he saw her expression. He grabbed her wrist, steadying her as she stumbled slightly on her heels. “You’re not okay.” He said grimly, before leading her away. She had already taken more than enough pictures: there were pictures of her with Youjung, Soorim, the boys, her mother and Yongguk, and just of her with different teachers she had grown fond of over the past four years.

    “I’m fine.” She tried to put some strength on the word but it was hard to. She felt drained of energy, but she needed one more picture- with Junhoe. She was looking for him, but could not find him after their group picture, which was taken right after the graduation. He promised to look for her again, didn’t he?

    “We’re going home.” Yongguk said in a firm voice, and began to tug her towards the car. She had recently moved back to the family apartment with Bomi, who became something of a therapeutic family member for her mother. Bomi brought out the motherly emotions as she would bark for attention, and her mother seemed to miss raising children as she would constantly nag the dog fondly. The two became quite the inseparable pair, much to Hyebin’s relief.

    “Wait. I just need one more photo with Junhoe.” She was beginning to see double vision- definitely not a good sign. Everything was a little dizzying, kind of spinning around now. She grabbed Yongguk’s forearm for more stability, and he glared at her with his strict eyes. He knew what was happening, and he was also sure that if she did not leave the venue, there would be bigger issues than a single photo.

    “Hyebin, you can’t. When was the last time you ate?” He said the words gently, as if to coax a frightened child out of hiding. She tried to think- it was hard to do that in the moment with so many busy bodies brushing past.

    “Maybe yesterday morning?” He grabbed her and threw her over his shoulder. She dangled there hopelessly, and people began to stare as he moved briskly to the sleek black car that waited for the two. Her mother had left for home to prepare the food for their festive family dinner that would probably not occur.

    “You promised you would tell me if this happened. I was waiting for you to say it and you never, not even once admitted it to me. How could you?” He was practically shouting now as they drove away from the school’s grand building, which quickly became nothing in the night’s darkness. She tried to not flinch, but he was right. She was too stubborn and cowardly to admit it.

    “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to worry you. I relapsed, happy?” She let out a sigh, her thin hands folded over her lap. She did not want it to be like this- she was supposed to graduate happily, but then it happened. Her insecurities flew back at the upcoming title of officially being Junhoe’s girlfriend. She was not good enough for it, nor did she deserve it. She was like this once before, and it was when she had broken up with Chanwoo. She did not eat, and when she did, she would only eat in portions so small it would not be logical to even call it a snack.

    “Don’t be sorry to me, but to Junhoe. He doesn’t want to see you like this. He told me he was worried about you.” Hyebin ducked her head in shame, her hair shielding her from his blazing eyes. She caused Junhoe to worry about her when she did her best to make his last days as a high school student the most memorable. She had no idea he even contacted Yongguk about this- the thought sickened her.

    “I tried to fix it, I really did.” She did not know what to think. It was never diagnosed as anorexia nervosa, much to Yongguk and her relief. It was rather severe social phobia, but only for boys. Or rather, boys that she was romantically linked to, which were Chanwoo and Junhoe.

    “I know you did. But it’s not working Hyebs, and you knew that too. You’re bright, kiddo, so why can’t you ever ask for help?” He petted her head as they pulled into the parking lot of their apartment complex. “We’re going to get you help, and this time for good. Mom definitely knows people who would love to assist you. What do you say?” She nodded.

    It was not for herself that she chose this way out. She chose it because she needed it to be like this in her future- in their future. She couldn’t harm herself out of doubting her self worth in front of Junhoe, and she could not allow herself to keep him from dating only a healthy girl. That girl was not her, or at the moment it was not.

    And this was why when she told her mother, she knew it was truly coming to an end. Her innocent years of high school and making wishes would come to a sudden halt, and the rest of the world would come knocking in. And it had- because the only health professional her mother could trust her daughter with was in the US, and so was her college. And she could leaving tomorrow like she had planned, but without a graduation picture of Junhoe nor a goodbye from him. And sometimes the future just could not be planned, like theirs.

--

AN:

Hello my lovelies! (Don't kill me...) 

I know, this was really sudden wasn't it? I hope it wasn't too much of a bomb, because I really tried to hint at it along the way. Hyebin was obsessed with her calories in the past, and she said at one point that she would spend hours running to burn it off (post- Chanwoo). She also mentioned in the beginning that she did not want to really talk about her past with Chanwoo, which hints that something went wrong, but she says later that it was not the person himself that was in the wrong. I hope my reason on how they became separated wasn't a disappointment- I really wanted it to be within reason of Hyebin's perosnality traits, and this was how I planned it. 

On a second note, I think this is going to end in maybe two- three more chapters. I already have another story started (please do check it out for all you Daehyun and Kai lovers) and I have another one in my mind that's beginning to form (I'm thinking of one for Suga ft. J Hope). 

Thank you for the support and love, and please shed some more! :)