Chapter 19: My Choice

Both law and crime exist for profit.

In crime the profit is driven by greed.

In law the profit is justice.

My dream had always been the stage yet I somehow ended up in the gutter. It was not the limelight that swallowed me, it was the darkness. Over and over again I fell, my clothes got dirty and my face smashed into the pavement. My trembling hand would reach for a gun, a knife, any weapon I could find. That was exactly my job, to be worthless and irresponsible, to forget myself and let go of the morals. It was deceivingly easy.

It was supposed to be only temporary, only for a while but… “You are on your own now.” I was betrayed and abandoned. I will not forget. I won’t forgive. I will always remember your eyes when you looked past me as if I didn’t exist. Even if it was for the sake of the justice, even if you fooled me, even if you came for me in the end, I… will never trust you again. It might have taken me ages to realize how futile everything had been. But now I know for certain, that between justice and greed there is no profit. You go for either one or for nothing. Greed is power and justice is a weapon. Which one do you choose?

*

Every Thursday morning 2am.

Showtime

Four police cars with flickering lights were parked on a narrow road between old shabby buildings. Two officers loitered around waiting, glancing into the dark silent alley. It was past midnight, Thursday early morning and there weren't many by passers at this hour. Soon, sounds and voices emerged from somewhere behind the buildings, cursing, shuffling and loud steps. In five or seven minutes four more members of the swat team emerged from the deceiving darkness of the alley mazes, they were dragging four beaten men along with them. Another car arrived at the scene and three people – dressed in white overalls – came out, each carrying a metal box. They passed the swat team and handcuffed men, soon disappearing into the dark alley.

From outside, it looked like another apartment in a shabby two-story house. At first look, there was nothing special inside, just a mess. But one of the rooms was full of refrigerators, most of them housing organs. Human organs.

“This is a total slaughterhouse...” Jongin clicked his tongue as he looked around. Bloodstained metallic table, knives hanging from a knife rack and Styrofoam boxes piled in a corner, this was a white tiled bathroom.

Stifling a yawn, he stepped out, his hands tucked behind his back. He was wearing straight pants, a collar shirt and a loose pullover, topping this all with a black trench coat. His hair was messy and his eyes tired. He was not like Sehun who could work days in a row; Jongin needed sleep, eight hours every night. He found the prosecutor outside the apartment, giving orders to the officers. Sleepy Minho was staggering around with a notebook.

“You okay?” Jongin placed a hand on Sehun's shoulder, the latter let out a strained sigh. He was pale. “Should we go home?”

“Go home?” Sehun shrieked, his unfocused eyes darting at the bright yellow police tape. He forgot what he was thinking about just now. “There is still s.hitloads of work”, he muttered while squeezing inside the apartment between the tape. Dressed in his jogging outfit, he looked out of place at the crime scene and it was hard to say how he had even ended up there.

“Come on”, Jongin whined, trailing behind Sehun. The latter stopped to look in one of the refrigerators, smell of blood and human flesh hitting his nostrils. He grimaced and slammed the door shut, his face turning even paler. This smell was so familiar it sickened him.

“Will you finally tell me how you knew about this?” Jongin asked in a low voice as he stubbornly followed Sehun around.

“It's a long story...”

“Trust me, I have all the time in the whole world because I sure am curious about this. I mean...underground human organs trade circle? Seriously! And you didn't tell me anything!” he complained. “And to think you left me with the boring money laundering case while working on something this awesome. Sure, go ahead and hog all the fun.”

“This is not fun”, Sehun raised his voice, tossing a glare at Jongin, which went ignored by the latter as he was peeking into one of the cupboards. “What part of this looks fun to you, eh?” Sehun was in a bad mood and didn’t even try to hide it.

“You look like ”, Jongin commented after closing the cupboard’s door. There was nothing interesting inside.

“If you want to go home so bad then go. I need to investigate.”

“We can do it tomorrow morning. It's 4am already and you look like you haven't slept for days.”

“Now is tomorrow morning”, Sehun pointed out with sarcasm.

“What do you have to do here anymore? There is no one to question and the detectives are here. All you need to do is to wait for a report.”

“Aish! Fine”, Sehun groaned. “Fine! Let's go then. Take me to the office, I'll sleep there.”

“How about I take you home?”

By home Jongin meant his own home because there he could at least keep an eye on Sehun. If it was Eun Yoo she would let him go to the office and if he went there now he would not sleep, he'd work. Jongin also knew that Sehun had his tux fitting scheduled for the afternoon and he couldn't possibly go there to faint. So, he took Sehun to his own place and forced him to take a shower, lending him some spare clothes. Meanwhile, he grabbed whatever food he had in the fridge and fixed a quick stew. “I’m not just a best friend. I’m a fu.cking saint…”

It was not usual for Sehun to react in such a way after visiting a crime scene; usually he'd be in good spirits and it would take a lot more convincing to actually make him go home. Today was an exception. Gloomy silence was all Jongin got in response when he tried to talk to Sehun. The latter locked himself in the bathroom for good 20 minutes and when he walked out he didn’t look any happier. Since he was taller, Jongin’s clothes were a bit short for him but he was a lot skinnier so they were loose too. It was a funny contrast.

Eventually, both men sat in the kitchen. Jongin had an unsatisfied look on his face because Sehun wasn’t really eating anything, just drinking one shot after another. He looked like he had been hit by a train, totally crushed. His dim eyes expressed no emotion and his face was ghastly pale, his red lips and black hair creating a strong contrast. Jongin couldn’t deny that Sehun looked extremely y like this but he also knew that now was not the right time to get .

“Will you tell me?” he asked softly, pouring himself more beer. Since he had pretty weak alcohol tolerance he decided to keep away from soju. It always gave him the worst hangover.

Sehun closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I just...” The words got stuck in his throat.

“You know you can tell me anything”, Jongin flashed a rest assuring smile. “I will understand.”

“I don’t remember very clearly”, Sehun spoke slowly, his eyes fixed on the stew. He was holding a spoon in his hand but didn’t make any effort to actually use it. “I…” His eyes widened and he dropped the spoon, disgust, fear and anger swarming over him in waves. He felt hot and cold at the same time and the alcohol he had drunk just now burned his throat. He got on his feet in an abrupt manner and rushed to the bathroom, fell on his knees in front of the toilet bowl and hurled out everything he could. Even after there was nothing left he couldn’t stop the reflex.

“You okay?” Jongin kneeled next to him and his back. This panic attack was one of the milder ones. “You want some water?”

“I don’t know Kai”, Sehun mumbled, falling against Jongin’s chest. “They made me do it.” His body shook violently and he broke in cold sweat, trying his best to surpass the waves of panic, which struck him one after another. “But I still can’t remember much…”

“You mean, that organ trade ring, you were part of them?” Jongin asked in shock. “When you lost your memories and became homeless?”

“Yeah…”

“Sh.it.” Jongin wrapped his arms around Sehun’s body and held him closer to his chest. “I think you really need to see a psychiatrist after this or something.”

Sehun uttered a dry chuckle. “It’s not that bad, this will go away soon. I…”

“What? What will go away?” Jongin growled, despair and frustration mixing in his voice.

“Once I remember everything, don’t you think this will all end? These pathetic moments…” He pushed himself away from Jongin’s embrace and flashed a rest assuring smile.

“No, but you, what did they make you do?” Jongin asked helplessly, he followed Sehun’s suit and got on his feet as well. He crossed his arms over his chest and watched how the latter started brushing his teeth as if nothing much had ever happened in his life.

“Errands at first, just errands”, Sehun muttered before rinsing his mouth.

“And then?”

His eyes grew darker, dimming. “They taught me how to harvest organs, but I didn’t get to do much of that, I was still too new.”

“Yeah but… any murders or anything like that?” Jongin asked worriedly, following Sehun out from the bathroom. The latter shrugged.

“Those people were already dead.” He grabbed the opened soju bottle from the table and brought it to his mouth, taking a long sip from it. His eyes were fixed on the fridge, somehow it disgusted him. “I remember that getting rid of bodies was mostly our job.”

“That’s sick”, Jongin tugged at his hair. “Are you okay?”

“Do I look okay to you?” Sehun asked with an ironic undertone. “I feel like vomiting my insides out.”

“How about getting some sleep?” Jongin suggested. “I don’t think drinking is the best idea.”

“Tsh”, Sehun scoffed. “I can handle more than this!” he announced.

Then he fainted.

Soft sunlight seeped through the thin curtains, illuminating Sehun’s tranquil face. He had slept without seeing any dreams, temporarily freed from the nightmares he had lived through, completely relaxed. He breathed steadily into Jongin’s bare chest; his arm draped over the latter’s torso and their legs tangled together. This is how Jongin woke up, with certain familiar warmth spreading throughout his body. He loved having Sehun in his arms and he would be the happiest man alive if he could wake up like this for the rest of his life. Rubbing his eye with his fist he groaned sleepily, arching his neck so he could see the clock. It was still early and he let out a relieved sigh, delighted that he could cuddle with Sehun for a bit longer.

He rolled to his side, planted a kiss on Sehun’s forehead and hugged him closer; his hand moving up and down the latter’s back in a slow gentle manner. His thoughts were on the previous evening as he stared blankly in front of himself. He didn’t know what more he could do for his friend, he had no idea how to handle this kind of situation. What to say to him? How to comfort him?

“What time is it?” Sehun murmured into Jongin’s chest.

“You are awake? Umm… 20 to 8.”

Warmth enveloped Sehun and he inhaled the familiar scent, finding himself getting lost in it. Despite everything, Jongin had stayed with him throughout all these years, putting up with his tantrums and difficult character. There was a reason why Sehun had fallen in love with him in the first place; this man was nice, gentle and sweet. What was there not to love? So, it was odd to waiver, at least Sehun found it odd. After getting over all the obstacles, he had thought that maybe later, maybe after a few years he could end up with Jongin, after all. However, now everything felt different. He had still not quite grasped what that different was all about, but he knew it was there. His heart ached, but he had no idea why. Actually… he had an idea but he was afraid to admit anything.

“I feel like s.hit”, Sehun groaned, the pounding pain in his head getting stronger. When he opened his eyes everything was blurry and colorless, every throb of the damned headache made the world shake as if he was being repeatedly hit. So he closed his eyes, his body growing limp and lifeless. He was so tired and drained out of energy he knew he wouldn’t be able to get up for a while. The alcohol, the mental shock and countless sleepless nights mixed together creating heavy chains which held him still, captured into Jongin’s gentle embrace.

“I don’t doubt.” Jongin chuckled dryly. “But… don’t you have the tux fitting later this afternoon?”

“Right”, Sehun sighed, burying his face into Jongin’s chest. “I’m not sure if I can go.”

“You still have time to rest.” Jongin made an attempt to sit up, but Sehun held him down.

“Don’t go.”

“You need to eat something.”

“Just thinking about food makes me nauseous.”

“Stop whining. You need the energy.” Jongin Sehun’s hair. “Sleep some more, baby”, he whispered sweetly.

For a moment, a peaceful silence fell between them.

“Are you… okay?” Jongin asked hesitantly.

“I guess so. I don’t feel out of ordinary or anything.”

“Maybe you should meet up with Doctor Park?”

“I’m not sick.”

“I didn’t mean it that way”, Jongin groaned inwardly, his fingers tangled in Sehun’s messy hair. “But you have been through a lot, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to open up a bit.”

“I don’t need s.hit like that.”

“There you go again.” There was an unsatisfied undertone in Jongin’s voice. He looked away from Sehun’s head, his lips curving downwards. “Maybe if you talked to someone about this all you wouldn’t be suffering from those panic attacks. Just saying…”

“I don’t want to talk about this”, Sehun said lifelessly. He was in no mood to discuss his own mental health, especially when he felt completely fine.

“Look, people don’t just cut up bodies and then miraculously go back to living a normal life.” Jongin’s words stabbed Sehun painfully in the chest and his heart trembled, the tension growing inside of him. His fingers gripped on Jongin’s t-shirt and he swallowed hard, his face paling.

“I’ll get over… just like…”

“Fu.ck”, Jongin grunted in annoyance, hugging Sehun closer to his chest and burying his face into the raven black hair, which smelled of his own shampoo. “I’m just so damn worried, baby.” Every single muscle in his body tensed and he inhaled sharply.

“I’m fine”, Sehun murmured. He looked up and moved a bit higher so he could plant a kiss on Jongin’s jaw. “Relax.”

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Still…”

“Let’s fuc.k”, Sehun whispered, trying to lighten the atmosphere somehow.

He knew the extent of Jongin’s worry; he could feel it and he hated to be the cause of it. Even Da Hyun was always saying how she was only trying to protect him. Even his father… Everyone was saying the same thing, but he didn’t need any of that. He knew perfectly fine how to take care of himself and, even though, there were certain difficulties and setbacks, he was still confident in his own strength. There were weak moments and sometimes he felt like he was falling apart, but none of that was the end of the world for him. All he needed was for people around him to trust him like Eun Yoo did. Perhaps, she was the only one who knew what he needed the most. Perhaps not….

 “Are you kidding me? You can barely move!” Jongin grunted with an unhappy frown on his face.

“I’m so relaxed right now”, Sehun chuckled weakly, moving his head so he could look up at Jongin’s beautiful jawline. His almond eyes glinted with mischief. “I bet it’s going to feel super good.”

“A.sshole”, Jongin pinched his cheek. “I have always been an easy way out for you, haven’t I?”

Sehun pouted his lips. “At some point I loved you so much I almost went crazy”, he complained cutely. “How can you act so indifferent now?” He wanted to glare at Jongin, but he was too weak, so his glare turned out to be nothing but a pathetic joke.

“Get some sleep”, Jongin sighed. He sat up and covered Sehun with the comforter. The latter snuggled against a pillow, his eyes closing instantly.

“Do you need anything? Painkillers, water?”

“That would be good.”

For a moment, Jongin sat on the edge of the bed and gazed upon Sehun, unable to get enough. There was just something about his pale face, how the dim light illuminated it with such a soft gleam. The latter opened one eye and smirked.

“Nice morning wood…”

Jongin’s face became dull that instant. “ ert…” he muttered in annoyance as he stood up and strolled out from the room.

He soon came back with the promised painkillers and water, helped Sehun to take them and then urged him to rest. The next few hours he spent cooking and watching some TV, mainly waiting for Sehun to get up, wondering what questions to ask and what to keep to himself for the time being. Somehow he drifted to sleep on the sofa, his tired body sprawled on the cushions. He wanted to go back to the bedroom but he was afraid he’d distract Sehun, and he was also afraid that he’d be too weak to temptations. As easy as it had always been to sweet talk Sehun into , it was even easier to be sweet talked by him. But Jongin didn’t blame Sehun, if it was him he would like to forget about everything too.

I’m fine.

When Sehun woke up without a single memory of his past, on a small alley all beaten and covered in blood, he didn't really know what to do then. It was a miracle that he was even alive, the pain was immense but it never dimmed the joy of still being able to breathe freely. He didn't know where to go and who to talk to, so he didn't do anything. He waited. Sadly, even by doing nothing he somehow managed to get in trouble. He saw something he was not supposed to see and then he was pulled into a nightmare.

Those people followed him for a week, he knew that someone was keeping an eye on him, but there was nothing much he could do about it. After confirming that he was just a homeless man, they forced him to join the gang. They forced him to choose to die then and there or to live an indescribably dirty life in darkness. After choosing the latter option, he had never wished to die so bad.

They offered him a place to stay but he refused, he didn't want anything from them, it was all tainted with innocent blood. Suddenly, afraid of so many things, he felt an urge to hide his face, to hide everything. He was always wearing loose clothes and a wig, which he had fished out from a dumpster near a red light district. The wig offered him solace of some kind. Black dirty locks covering his face, he didn't deserve to be clean or see the sunlight. He didn't shave even once.

There were certain places where certain people would bring bodies and there were people in these places who would get rid of these bodies without asking a single question. There were also certain people who harvested the organs for sale on the black market. Sometimes they all worked together, most of the time each gang on their own. The circles were small and everyone knew each other's faces. There was no space for betrayal and it was impossible to escape.

Someone taught Sehun how to cut a body open, what needed to be done to the harvested organs and how to keep them unspoiled, where to take them and who to sell them to. He knew the prices by heart. At first, he couldn't do it without throwing up several times, the smell was sickening and the bloody mess disgusted him. They referred to him ‘the weak one’ and usually sent him to do errands, never ending errands. He was still new to the scene and this job was risky, if he managed to not get caught for long enough he could be promoted, or so he was promised. Sehun was liked because he was trustworthy; he was too scared to not obey the orders. And they let him do whatever he wanted to do during his free time as long as he showed up in certain places at certain times.

What saved Sehun in the end was his memory loss. When he woke up in the hospital his memories of those horrible four months were gone. Maybe they were too atrocious to remember so his brain had voluntarily shut them away. No one came to find him because they didn't know his real name or how he looked like clean, with shaved chin and short styled hair. They probably thought he had died. They were so wrong.

It was not before Da Hyun appeared in his life when he started remembering instead of just suffering from the panic attacks. Why her? Why would she trigger those memories? He didn't know. But apparently, there was something worth remembering, perhaps something wonderful amidst all that wicked darkness. Four months. That was enough to fu.ck him up in an unexplainable way, even more than those two years had. He couldn't stand blood anymore, not a drop of it. But at the same time he lost his fear of death. He thought that maybe if he remembered everything, the panic attacks would end and maybe then... maybe he'd finally find peace. Maybe.

20 Hours Before.

“Where are you going?” Eun Yoo asked in surprise when she saw Sehun marching to the hallway, dressed in track pants and a hooded shirt.

Ever since their date he had started coming home earlier, always staying the night and asking her to be there too. She knew that something was up with him but didn’t know what. He had been acting out of his character, all sweet and romantic; he even brought her flowers the other day. Their discussion in the park flashed through Eun Yoo’s mind, but she still couldn’t pinpoint what was bothering him. It’s as if he had suddenly gotten this thought into his stubborn mind that he needed to be a perfect boyfriend and now he was executing it. She couldn’t complain, but she wasn’t happy about it either. She liked him more when he was being himself instead of forcing himself to be someone others wanted him to be. When she told him about this he ignored her words, like usually when he didn’t agree. Even felt different now. He was clearly putting more thought and effort into pleasing her, way more than before, more than necessary.

“I'll go for a run, hun”, he said as he put a cap on his head.

“All right, but be careful. It's getting dark already”, Eun Yoo flashed him a sweet smile.

“See you later. Love ya.”

She grimaced at his tacky behavior but couldn’t deny that surge of warmth, which spread throughout her body. However, at times she felt like… it was something rather motherly than … and this was extremely disturbing. No matter how good he always made her feel, having with him was becoming harder. It just felt… wrong, like she was betraying someone. Herself perhaps?

Whenever Sehun's mind was clouded with thoughts he wanted to get rid of, he always went for a run. He had to take a cab or drive to Hangang Park since he lived a bit far from it, but he didn't like to run anywhere else. Ever since long ago, he had always gone to the Hangang Park, there was just something about that place. That's where he made his way now too. The sky was dark and it was slightly drizzling but he didn't care. He needed a distraction from everything and he wanted to exhaust himself to death so he could finally have a good sleep. Lately insomnia had been keeping him awake.

While he was jogging, minding his own business and enjoying the sunset, someone ran past him. He wouldn't have cared about this person, but it was a woman with a short hair and familiar posture. It didn't take him long to recognize Da Hyun. “So she jogs here too? Splendid, eventually she had to ruin even this little pleasure for me….” He picked up his pace and jogged past her, throwing her one sideways glance and a smirk. Teasing her didn’t seem like a bad idea either.

“Hey there shrimp, wanna race?”

“Huh? What?” she asked in surprise when she saw him. This was rather random and unexpected. “Are you stalking me?”

“Are you stalking me?” Sehun asked mockingly.

“Yah”, Da Hyun frowned when he ran faster, but she caught up to him in no time.

“Maybe you are living in a delusion that I am your boyfriend or something...” Sehun ran ahead after saying what he wanted. “Drunk calling me and telling me that I am handsome…”

“You are the one who is trying to seduce me”, Da Hyun huffed, her cheeks turning pink. She wasn’t proud of that episode and didn’t need to be reminded of it either. “Drunk texting me and all that…”

“You are so freaking delusional...” Sehun left her behind again.

“You are the one who thinks I'm hot”, Da Hyun smirked and ran faster. “Sorry, you are just not my type!” she yelled from ahead.

“I didn't admit to anything!” Sehun hollered before catching up to her.

“But you didn't deny either.” Da Hyun was ahead of him again.

“Sorry for not being homeless”, Sehun snarled. “I know that's your type.” He took off and left Da Hyun behind, but she was not going to give up. She was a fast runner, after all.

“Are you looking down on homeless people?” She caught up to him. Her voice came out uneven and hoarse since she was getting out of breath.

“Should I put them on a pedestal?” Sehun asked mockingly, also sounding tired already. He sprinted forward, but Da Hyun was soon next to him. It was harder to shake her off than he had imagined. She was maybe even in a better shape than him. “Impressive.”

“Who is looking down on the poor now?” she taunted, jogging ahead.

“How can you fall in love with someone dirty who smells of urine and ?” Sehun asked in disbelief as he caught up to Da Hyun. “I just don't get it.”

She didn’t know how to answer. Lately, she had come to a conclusion that when it came to the matters of the heart things just happened. Just like he had once told her: “She likes him. He likes her. What’s the problem?” But this didn’t mean it was smart to lunge into all sort of relationships. It only meant that love happens. That’s all.

“He didn't smell bad after he took a shower…”

“I don't think I want to know any more”, Sehun sneered, picking up his pace.

“Like... you don't seem to shower often either...” Da Hyun commented from behind.

“Psh. That's because I am busy working.”

“Doesn't make you any less dirty.”

“Maybe dirty is your type since you are delusional about me being your boyfriend. Even introducing me to your family and all that.”

“I didn't like him because he was dirty”, Da Hyun yelled, caught up to him and ran past him. “I liked him because he made me feel…” she stopped abruptly and Sehun almost bumped into her back. “I don’t know… I just felt good I guess”, she shrugged, flashing a helpless smile.

Sehun shook his head, now jogging beside her. She didn't look at him, her eyes were concentrated into the distance as if she was looking into the future, far ahead. He glanced at her and then followed her gaze. “I don't get you sometimes. Scratch that, I don't get you at all.”

She stopped to catch her breath and he did the same, a few steps ahead of her. He angled his body sideways and gave her a questioning look, peering at her face with a thoughtful expression. “But you liked him?” his voice came out quiet and hesitant.

She nodded. “I really liked him.”

When their gazes locked his heart skipped a beat, he couldn’t breathe. She was so beautiful, it struck him how beautiful she was, his lips parted but, like a fool, he couldn’t say anything.

“You are acting weird”, Da Hyun eyed him with suspicion. “Why are you obsessed with this topic?”

“I…” His voice came out hoarse and thick.

“Anyway, the last one at the vending machine is a loser with no balls!” Da Hyun suddenly grinned and took off.

“Wait… I”, Sehun breathed out, his body spinning around in her stead, but his feet glued to the pavement. He thought he was going to faint and he had no idea what was wrong with him, he was overwhelmed but he didn’t know by what. Then her words finally sunk in. A ball-less loser… “Yah!” he protested, running after her but too late, she had already reached the destination.

They bought bottled water and loitered around the vending machine while drinking it.

“So, ball-less loser”, Da Hyun snickered teasingly. “You are a bottom anyway, what for do you need balls?”

“Tsh”, Sehun whipped his head at her, his eyes narrowing. “So you could them.”

“Whoa! We got a bada,ss over here.” Da Hyun laughed. “What a pity there is nothing to ; I was just in the mood.”

He shook his head, tossing her a flat look, before emptying the rest of the water over his head. She watched how crystal clear water droplets fell from his raven black hair and rolled down his face, trailing his chin. He shook his head and ran his long fingers through the y mess. He was hot and Da Hyun could feel that hotness at the bottom of her stomach.

“You got a haircut.” She averted his face. “I didn’t even notice.”

“Are you hungry?” he smirked.

“No, why… hey!” She grunted. “I didn-“

“You looked kind